He got in touch again but is still lukewarm

[Alpacalia]

It is also possible for people who talk a lot about themselves and shift the conversation back to themselves often to have egotistical traits (or they are just highly insecure) but I would not venture so far as to label them narcissists.

Regarding his comments? It's just general B.S.

Do a better job of shutting down those remarks by not providing them with an opportunity for such comments to begin with.

Try to be mindful of signs of disinterest sooner so that you don't allow someone to waste your time and/or frustrate you.

You cannot be available for an available relationship if you’re making yourself available to someone who is unavailable.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 that I was ‘thinking things about him that he hadn’t even thought of himself’.

Sadly there's a lot of lunitics out there. The key for you is to prevent burnout by not entertaining their communications out of curiosity or boredom.

The best way to prevent this type of anger and burnout is to delete and block the timewasters early on.

Make sure you're not just communicating with men as a pastime or to grind an ax about old issues. 

If you would like to meet someone mutually attractive and compatible, spend your time wisely on viable options.

Edited September 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

BB, you started this thread 5 days ago, already knowing that this guy was low interest.  Four days and three pages later, you are congratulating yourself for recognising what you knew at the outset.  I am baffled, frankly.  Were you hoping to hear that it would be a good idea to meet up with this guy?  You told us yourself that you had to twist his arm to get him to agree to a meeting, so everyone here wisely told you not to follow through.

To be clear, I think it's good that you decided to cancel the date, although I agree with those who've said you could have done so without theatrics or labeling him with a disorder. Gently, if anyone's actions here are disordered, they are yours. You don't have to share the answers with us, but I think it would be a good idea to think through what you were hoping would happen given the facts that you've stated: guy made contact a year ago, never bothered to seek an in-person meeting, returned a year later, still had no interest in meeting, you forced his hand, then canceled.

[ ] 

Understand that you are not hurting the men when you decide that they are rude or deceitful or narcissistic or whatever label you apply.  The only person you are hurting is yourself.

Edited September 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove historical discussion

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Understand that you are not hurting the men when you decide that they are rude or deceitful or narcissistic or whatever label you apply.  The only person you are hurting is yourself.

Agree, very much. They will go with their lives while you continue in this very unhealthy dating pattern - falsely reassured that you have successfully stood up for yourself and avoided another narcissist. Counselling would be a very wise idea indeed. 

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Having been the subject of interest of many a narcissist in the past, I saw right through this. I realised that I’d been talking to a narcissist yet again- it explains a lot here. I gave him a piece of my mind before saying the final goodbye and am *so* glad I dodged a bullet. 

Did you finally block him this time so he can't reach you again?

[babybrowns]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I suspect OP that you are just chasing men that are out of your league, which is why they have low interest. Pretty common, especially with online dating. 

This is a quizzical comment indeed- please read the title of the thread and my opening post again. It is the other way round. I don’t know who else you’re referring to here either.

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It is also possible for people who talk a lot about themselves and shift the conversation back to themselves often to have egotistical traits (or they are just highly insecure) but I would not venture so far as to label them narcissists.

Regarding his comments? It's just general B.S.

Do a better job of shutting down those remarks by not providing them with an opportunity for such comments to begin with.

Try to be mindful of signs of disinterest sooner so that you don't allow someone to waste your time and/or frustrate you.

You cannot be available for an available relationship if you’re making yourself available to someone who is unavailable.

This is such a good post, I thank you for it, and to most others here, very useful posts. I agree that one cannot simply diagnose narcissism ‘off the cuff’ as it were, but there were some signs here that were concurrent with it. Sending me photos of himself every day, flipping out the first time I ever said anything negative to him and when I cancelled the date. Gaslighting me in his rage. The first ‘long’ message I got from him this time round infact was that angry one  

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you finally block him this time so he can't reach you again?

Not yet but I will in a few days! I’ve always needed a bit of time before blocking someone

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

Not yet but I will in a few days! I’ve always needed a bit of time before blocking someone

Why?  Do you like to waste your time?

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I agree that one cannot simply diagnose narcissism ‘off the cuff’ as it were, but there were some signs here that were concurrent with it. Sending me photos of himself every day, flipping out the first time I ever said anything negative to him and when I cancelled the date. Gaslighting me in his rage. The first ‘long’ message I got from him this time round infact was that angry one

I agree, but… I still think he is a narcissist. 

Because of this one conversation, you have decided that this man you have never met in person is a narcissist.

 

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

Hey BB, first off I am glad you canceled.

Secondly, it sounds like you're learning from all these different experiences, even if it's baby steps, which is good. 

I agree with not labeling however I think it's human nature to do so in certain circumstances so won't judge you for it.  Especially since you are doing so privately with us here versus publicly disparaging and doxxing him on social media or out in "real" world.  

Sometimes we just need to vent and share thoughts /feelings in a safe place which I think is ok.

That said, whether he is in fact a narcissist or not is irrelevant.  He's just not for you, that's really all you need to focus on.

Going forward and as I said in previous, trust your own instincts and stop chasing unavailable men.

Had you done that last year, none of this drama would have happened this year. 

No need to analyze behavior, label or even judge.   Its wasted energy and unnecessary.

You discover an incompatibility or a characteristic you dislike, simply delete and move on to next. 

When I was OLDing, I cannot even count the number of messages I sent to trash after a couple if brief chats, too many to count.  

Didn't care how handsome or good on paper they looked, I was able to sense very quickly who I felt I would "click" with and who I wouldn't.

How?  By trusting my own intuition and utilizing good common sense. 

That's my advice for you going forward. 

Stop wasting time and energy on men who are indifferent or appear unavailable to you.  Immediately delete. 

No need to give benefit of doubt, or hoping when they meet you, they might feel differently.

There are too many men out there, good quality men who can provide what you need, but you won't meet them if you're wasting time attempting to convert the disinterested unavailable into men who are interested.  

I rarely say this, but total waste of time.

All the best moving forward BB.

 

 

Edited September 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Sending me photos of himself every day, flipping out the first time I ever said anything negative to him and when I cancelled the date. Gaslighting me in his rage. The first ‘long’ message I got from him this time round infact was that angry one. Not yet but I will in a few days! I’ve always needed a bit of time before blocking someone 

Is arguing with these strangers worth your while? Be freer with the block button to stop getting worked up and upset over jerks. Why are you even entertain "angry" messages? If you have some baggage or ax to grind/need to argue, therapy would be a better place to unpack and sort that out than with dating site weirdos.

[Despin]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

This is a quizzical comment indeed- please read the title of the thread and my opening post again. It is the other way round.

It's not the other way around. The other poster was saying you probably are trying to date men out of your league, which is why they're not all that interested in you. It seems that there aren't many if any guys interested in you, otherwise why would you try so hard and post at least 2 threads about this one guy who is barely even giving you the time of day?

I know it's easy to blame some sort of mental health issue for bad or unwanted behavior or lack of interest but you're way too quick to throw the word Narcissist around, the term is overused, and there's nothing to indicate this guy is anything of the sort. All those other "narcissists" who contact you aren't narcissists unless they've been diagnosed by a mental health professional.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 I agree that one cannot simply diagnose narcissism ‘off the cuff’ as it were, but there were some signs here that were concurrent with it. Sending me photos of himself every day, flipping out the first time I ever said anything negative to him and when I cancelled the date. Gaslighting me in his rage. The first ‘long’ message I got from him this time round infact was that angry one  

Kindly, it seems as if your ego is taking too much of a hit here.

There's no gaslighting or rage.

This is just a guy using dating apps.

A lot of people use these dating apps not just to date or build relationships. For some, these apps can be an outlet for entertainment, an ego boost, or casual sex. 

Though, in fairness, there are many success stories too.

Wouldn't it be better if you learned to protect your energy and time instead? Focus on effort. That's it. In the beginning, at least. Vet your potential matches carefully. Listen to your inner voice when you interact with them. Don't rush the process out of fear, loneliness, desperation, or pressure from others.

In the words of the great Iyanla Vanzant, “everything that shows up ain’t for you." 

You are quite free to say no thank you to anyone or anything that "ain't for you."

Edited September 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I agree that one cannot simply diagnose narcissism ‘off the cuff’ as it were, but there were some signs here that were concurrent with it. Sending me photos of himself every day, flipping out the first time I ever said anything negative to him and when I cancelled the date. Gaslighting me in his rage. The first ‘long’ message I got from him this time round infact was that angry one

Well, not that it matters but this^ goes beyond your typical joe schmo on a dating app.

The label does not matter.   I hope you're able to understand that now BB.

When you experience this BS from.men, you simply block and delete.  Immediately.  No need to even create a thread about it or villainize him. Wasted time and energy. 

That's on YOU. 

He can sort out his own sh*t you  sort out yourself and why you attract and entertain these weirdos.

That's the bigger issue. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’ve always needed a bit of time before blocking someone

You continue to stand in your own way. 

Rather than trying to assign these men with any particular labels, use your energy on analyzing your own behaviour here and what exactly you get from keeping the lines of communication open with men you decide are not it. It's a pattern for you, as evidenced by several previous threads of yours. 

Your own conduct here is a lot more important and noteworthy than theirs. 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Not yet but I will in a few days! I’ve always needed a bit of time before blocking someone

Now is time to try something new. Let this man be the very first that you block & delete without giving it time. Try it....see how it will empower you, you will like it.

The world is full of men to date. This one is nobody, you won't even remember him in a couple of week!

So do it ! Push yourself, see how good it feels.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I agree that one cannot simply diagnose narcissism ‘off the cuff’ as it were, but there were some signs here that were concurrent with it. Sending me photos of himself every day, flipping out the first time I ever said anything negative to him and when I cancelled the date. Gaslighting me in his rage. The first ‘long’ message I got from him this time round infact was that angry one  

^ Not signs of narcissism

1. Lots of people send photos to each other in the early stages.  In an era where "selfie" is a word, it's not an abnormal thing to do.

2. Perhaps the negative thing you said to him was interpreted by him to be rude?  

3. When you ended it, your approach was to state your assumption about his feelings as fact.  That will get up anybody's nose. If you'd have said "I've noticed that you haven't been asking questions to get to know me.  This makes me feel like you're not really wanting to get to know me as a person".  If you do this, you're giving him the reason you're interpreting his actions as you do to help him understand.  And you're also stating how his actions make you feel.  You're not stating fact, you're stating your own feelings and therefore, it's not nearly as offensive on your part.  

With regards to gaslighting, this is only when someone twists facts.  Gaslighting does not apply when someone feels unfairly judged and defends themselves.