He got in touch again but is still lukewarm

[basil67]

If you're up for some hot sex, sure he may get interested in you sufficiently.  But he's clearly not interested in you as a person.

What is it that you're looking for?

Edited September 16, 2022 by basil67

[Amanda92]

Is he so handsome that you want to meet him? I understand you because I was like this too. I always was patient and thought - maybe one he will show more efforts. You need to work on your self-esteem because you deserve better.

[Alpacalia]

The benefit of the doubt doesn't apply here.

A waste of time.

No, "hi, how have you been babybrowns?"

Just straight to "hi, here's a selfie of me, want me to drive to your place?"

Definitely not.

You should pass on this.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 leads me to be curious about whether meeting up would spark something more. 

What exactly are you hoping it "sparks"? Because if he's just killing time or in a dry spell, why bother?

If your time is precious to you, don't waste it on indifferent men.

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He changed his mind because he thought maybe he'll get sex out out it.

Gently, BB, he can sense your desperation.  This is why he is agreeing to meet - he thinks it will be easy sex.  And he's scheduled for far enough in advance that if something better comes along, he can bow out.

[poppyfields]

OP, we literally teach people how to treat us through our actions and responses to their actions. 

What do his actions tell you?  Now, before even meeting?  Very clearly that he's an insensitive, self-centered noob who is NOT interested in you.

By you inviting him out, essentially chasing him, the message you're sending HIM is that this is OK with you, you may even find his crass insensitive behavior intriguing!

The message you're covertly sending him is that you dislike nice men who are interested in you. And that you're drawn to men who are aloof, indifferent and disinterested.

It does not matter if your intention is to determine if there is some sort of "spark" in person, it's important to be aware of how HE (or any man)  is interpreting your responses to their behavior and actions.

So, if you DO meet him, even assuming he becomes entralled with your beauty or infectious energy which is what it sounds like you're banking on, that still isn't going to change his general insensitive character and noob behavior.

Remember you responded positively to these traits by continuing to talk to him and asking him to meet, so in his eyes, why change what works?  

He will view you as a woman who responds well to cr@p behavior from men and thus he will continue the behavior.

Again we teach people how to treat us.

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment, frustration and BS later. 

 

 

Edited September 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

If this was someone who met me and treated like this, it would be a very different story. But this is someone who knows nothing at all about me, just has 2 pictures to go on, which leads me to be curious about whether meeting up would spark something more. I’m still contemplating whether or not to go ahead with it; it’s not motivating at all and our time is precious.

Why don't you reread your last thread about the guy.   You were even proud of yourself for facing the reality of what he had shown you:  That he is not interested in you, and also that HE HAS NOTHING TO OFFER YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP.

In a way, your ego is very at the fore as well.  You just think about how "into" you or not a guy is and you.  If he's "into" you enough,  you are in.  You don't seem to assess the individual's personality traits.

I have to say that it was hard to read that he'd "lost" you.  There was not anything between you.  Please try to be realistic. 

In this case - HE DID NOT EVEN WANT TO MEET YOU.   Coupled with this, he has given you  solid evidence that he is very self centered.  As someone else pointed out, he wants a "fan."  This is about who HE is as a person more than it is about his interest level in you.   I mean - even if he were interested in getting to know you, I think this guy would be pathetic boyfriend materiel for any woman, if they actually want a relationship beyond being a "fan" of his.

For 2 go-rounds, he has confirmed with crystal clarity that he doesn't care one bit about you and is not interested in seeing you in person.  On the other hand, he IS interested in sending you selfies and info about his own life.

Clearly this worked great - because you have finally, after a whole year, gotten him to AGREE to meet you.   All those selfies and bragging really worked great!

I am sure you will be defensive about this post but I hope you will consider what I am saying.  You've posted a lot and most of the stories have similar trajectories where you move forward based on stories you've told yourself and without any consideration at all of what information has actually been provided to you by the man in question.  If you like your relationship history and look forward to further years of the same, keep going.  Otherwise please step out of your own way and let men show you who they are.  

 

Edited September 16, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

On 9/14/2022 at 5:42 PM, Alvi said:

 

It is totally up to you. A date is a date after all. As long as you have zero expectations regarding this guy.

 

There are already expectations.  The OP has spun this into a situation where he "lost" her last year (he didn't want to meet), so perhaps he will value this opportunity.  Except, she asked him again to meet and finally he has "agreed."  And the 3 pictures he has to go on have been mentioned a couple of times; clearly there is an expectation that "in person" will change that.   

OP if it sounds like I am harshing on you I'm truly not.   This is just a bad move, full stop.   You might be the most gorgeous,  captivating woman on Earth, or a complete dud - it won't really matter because the guy is just self absorbed to an extreme.  And clueless.   If you really are so stunning that he will get a "spark" of interest that compels him to ask you out or at least have sex with you once he beholds you, he will be a self absorbed date. Probably bad at sex too, as many selfish people are. He has let you know this.  Yet, you are in what appears from this perspective to be fairly desperate pursuit.  I wish you wouldn't but I do understand that it takes what it takes for us to learn, and also it's never too late to learn.  Sooner is better than later though - and last year you felt good about stepping away.  

Why the change.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

which leads me to be curious about whether meeting up would spark something more

It sounds like you're trying to prove to yourself that you're an interesting and desirable woman, by hoping this vaguely lukewarm stranger sees your value. 

 

[Rider on the Storm]

Not going through with this sounds like a no-brainer, unless you are just looking for no strings attached sex.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is just a bad move, full stop.   You might be the most gorgeous,  captivating woman on Earth, or a complete dud - it won't really matter because the guy is just self absorbed to an extreme.  And clueless.   If you really are so stunning that he will get a "spark" of interest that compels him to ask you out or at least have sex with you once he beholds you, he will be a self absorbed date. Probably bad at sex too, as many selfish people are. He has let you know this.  Yet, you are in what appears from this perspective to be fairly desperate pursuit.  I wish you wouldn't but I do understand that it takes what it takes for us to learn, and also it's never too late to learn.  Sooner is better than later though - and last year you felt good about stepping away.  

Why the change.

So on point.

There is no interest on the part of this man in forming a connection with you.

Self-absorbed is the best way to describe him.

There's been no talk of your likes, dislikes, nothing.

If you really must go on this date, I suggest having his picture framed and giving it to him. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

A lukewarm date is like warm beer paired with cold pizza.

[lovesbooks]

My vote is no about this guy.  He seems like my last boyfriend...emotionally unavailable and emotionally undeveloped.  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lovesbooks said:

...emotionally unavailable and emotionally undeveloped.  

Or just not that interested in OP. 

[babybrowns]

17 hours ago, poppyfields said:

OP, we literally teach people how to treat us through our actions and responses to their actions. 

What do his actions tell you?  Now, before even meeting?  Very clearly that he's an insensitive, self-centered noob who is NOT interested in you.

By you inviting him out, essentially chasing him, the message you're sending HIM is that this is OK with you, you may even find his crass insensitive behavior intriguing!

The message you're covertly sending him is that you dislike nice men who are interested in you. And that you're drawn to men who are aloof, indifferent and disinterested.

It does not matter if your intention is to determine if there is some sort of "spark" in person, it's important to be aware of how HE (or any man)  is interpreting your responses to their behavior and actions.

So, if you DO meet him, even assuming he becomes entralled with your beauty or infectious energy which is what it sounds like you're banking on, that still isn't going to change his general insensitive character and noob behavior.

Remember you responded positively to these traits by continuing to talk to him and asking him to meet, so in his eyes, why change what works?  

He will view you as a woman who responds well to cr@p behavior from men and thus he will continue the behavior.

Again we teach people how to treat us.

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment, frustration and BS later. 

 

 

This was a fantastic post Poppyfields, so much so that it helped persuade me to cancel this date and delete him as a contact on my phone forever. You’re such an asset to this site where people come for help

Thank you to all of you for your help, I must admit I am a little embarrassed to think I was actually going to go through with this! 

 

[NuevoYorko]

[ ] Maybe your expectations of men "showing interest" in you are somewhat unrealistic.  There is a lot of mention of "boxes ticked" and how much interest the person is showing, and almost never any mention of the person themselves.  Do you really get to know these men?   Are you actually interested in them, apart from the boxes ticked and how attentive they are to you?  I haven't got the feeling that you are.  You may be experiencing a mirroring of what you are putting out there.

Of course a certain amount of "interest" is required for someone to even match with a person on a dating app.  After that, the level of interest has to develop.  

In my life experience, interest is generally mutual; a give and take type of thing.  It's not that much about asking questions and getting answers, but more about people sharing and learning about each other.   It's a two way street.  That is how interest grows.   

When this falls flat, it generally means that there is a lack of compatibility / chemistry - or, maybe that one, or both of the people are not engaged in this give and take type of communication. Maybe they are boring.   So it just goes nowhere.  

Certainly there are self centered people who aren't interested in other people, and who mainly have relationships to feed their own egos.  I'm not talking about "narcissists" (bandied about way too much IMO); simply egocentric people.  The type who want "arm candy" or someone to provide a lot of material stuff or status.  Also, when we get a big "crush" or infatuation we are often not interested in really knowing about the other person; we are carried away with our own imagining of them.

In any case, you have more of your share of "low interest" situations and it might be worth looking at from a different perspective.  

Edited September 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thanks once again for your replies. Just to provide a final update; when I cancelled on him, citing the cause as not detecting much interest from him just as before, he got mad and tried to gaslight me. He said he had “actually wanted to meet me” but that it was ‘all my fault’ it didn’t happen, that I was ‘thinking things about him that he hadn’t even thought of himself’.

Having been the subject of interest of many a narcissist in the past, I saw right through this. I realised that I’d been talking to a narcissist yet again- it explains a lot here. I gave him a piece of my mind before saying the final goodbye and am *so* glad I dodged a bullet. 

Edited September 18, 2022 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

Well done!! And l'm glad you are making realization along the way. 

Concentrate on men that give you sustained attention. They exist! 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

Thanks once again for your replies. Just to provide a final update; when I cancelled on him, citing the cause as not detecting much interest from him just as before, he got mad and tried to gaslight me. He said he had “actually wanted to meet me” but that it was ‘all my fault’ it didn’t happen, that I was ‘thinking things about him that he hadn’t even thought of himself’.

Having been the subject of interest of many a narcissist in the past, I saw right through this. I realised that I’d been talking to a narcissist yet again- it explains a lot here. I gave him a piece of my mind before saying the final goodbye and am *so* glad I dodged a bullet. 

My curious question - why could you not just tell hm that you had changed your mind and decided that you didn’t want to meet after all. No additional explanation necessary, no need for all this imaginary drama. 

[BaileyB]

Sorry, maybe a better word is unnecessary.

I used the word imaginary because you don’t know this man. You’ve never actually met him. But here you are, villainizing a man that you have never even met… all while patting yourself on the back that you have identified and successfully avoided another narcissist. The truth is, he was never really a serious prospect and you identified that early on. You could have avoided all this unnecessary drama had you trusted your instincts, maintained a boundary, and treated him with kindness by simply telling him that you had decided you didn’t want to meet after all…

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You could have avoided all this unnecessary drama had you trusted your instincts, maintained a boundary, and treated him with kindness by simply telling him that you had decided you didn’t want to meet after all…

Yes but that's a lot to ask to a woman that is new to words like boundaries, instinct, respect, self-worth, self-control.

She will get there but one step at a time. At least she was able to identify the gaslighting and she dismissed him....in a dramatic way but at least dismissed him. 

Edited September 19, 2022 by Gaeta

[basil67]

There's nothing here to suggest narcissism.   

People who only talk about themselves are a dime a dozen.  It's not narcissism - rather, it's poor social skills. I know people who do this who'd also give you the shirt off their back, it's just that they become tedious to talk to because they don't ask about others.

Reacting like he did to the reason you gave for not meeting him was not surprising.  If he had actually been interested in meeting you (with no idea that he comes across as self focussed)  he will be annoyed at your assumption.  I think most of us get annoyed when other people make incorrect assumptions about how we feel.  It's normal.

If you don't want to be argued with when breaking a date, don't give a reason.  Simply tell them that you changed your mind and wish them well for their future.  

All that said, you did the right thing by ending it because he would have become annoying.  

 

[BaileyB]

Always the voice of reason basil. Well said.

Indeed, I would say that it is unlikely that he was a narcissist, more likely a man with poor social skills. Of course, we don’t know for sure because we’ve never met the man. All the more reason not to be making assumptions and passing judgments. 

I too have a friend (actually, he is married to my friend) who is a nice guy but I tend to avoid him at parties because all he does is talk about his work. Tedious is the word! But, he is a good and kind man who loves his wife and children. He’s just rather self-involved and he has poor social skills.

That’s what I’m saying, if you are not interested BB you don’t have to offer any explanation. It’s unlikely that he’s going to walk away and seriously consider the feedback you provided - unsolicited feedback like that is usually not welcomed… He is more likely to think that HE has dodged a bullet too. 

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

BB: To add to the subject of narcissist, when they want something from you they are extremely charming, and will deploy everything needed to seduce you. This man was simply  not interested, he was just a time waster. You saw the gaslighting, good for you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why the need to assign him a psychiatric condition?

People can be self-absorbed without having a personality disorder. And frankly, OP, you don't have anywhere near enough information about this man to presume anything about his mental health. 

It is good that you backed out and canceled, as he was obviously not that keen anyway. But try to resist the urge to label strangers as personality-disordered. It's extreme and unnecessary, and it's not the first time you have done so.