He got in touch again but is still lukewarm

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

A year ago I matched with a guy on a dating site. Back then, after we had chatted for a couple of weeks it was clear to me that the interest was one-sided so I called things off. For example, our talk was entirely about him: he didn’t even know what I did for a living. Kept sending me selfies and pictures of his life. We never met or even chatted on the phone. He also didn’t ask me out to go on a date. So I didn’t want to proceed and I was frank when I told him why.

One year later, he messages me again. I asked him why and he said it was just to say hi. When the patterns are the same once again: him constantly sending me selfies, asking zero questions about me and my life, not asking me out, I reminded him of why I stopped talking to him last year.
 

Then he agrees to meet up this time, and we might be meeting up next weekend. He offered to come to my town to see me.

Aside from the lack of interest in me, he does seem like a cool person in other ways so part of me is feeling like giving the benefit of doubt here- perhaps things might change once there is a real in-person meeting.

Naturally though, I’m feeling very demotivated to go ahead with this. We are interested in people who are interested in us, and this guy hasn’t got a zilch of interest in me. He just wants to keep me in his sphere for some reason. I don’t want to waste my time. 

Should I cancel or go ahead? All he has to go on are 3 photos of me; he can’t even see my dating profile since I unmatched him back then on the app last year. Thoughts would be appreciated. thanks 

Edited September 14, 2022 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

This is just me, I wouldn’t waste my time. If you had decided last year that he wasn’t someone you wanted to date… I’m not sure why you would reconsider now. 

[stillafool]

You must be interested in him or you wouldn't have accepted to see him next weekend.  If he really has low interest why did he ask to see you next weekend or did you ask him?  It sounds like he just goes through women's profiles, maybe dating a few and then back around again which is what he's doing now.  If you do decide not to go just block him this time so he doesn't pop back up again or his next go round.

[Gaeta]

He will be wasting your time, time you should be using to search for the right man. Why do you concider it at all ! Makes no sense to me. 

[basil67]

And you'll be wasting his time.  If you're already only lukewarm, don't bother.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

For example, our talk was entirely about him: he didn’t even know what I did for a living. Kept sending me selfies and pictures of his life.

 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

When the patterns are the same once again: him constantly sending me selfies, asking zero questions about me and my life, not asking me out, I reminded him of why I stopped talking to him last year.

 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

and this guy hasn’t got a zilch of interest in me.

Babybrowns, do you think that he is looking for a long term relationship? Based on your description, I think not.  Sure, you could meet him if you want. I highly doubt that this meeting is going to mount much to anything. If you want a fling or a one night stand, yeah, I guess, do go meet him. But if you are after a long term relationship, don't waste your time on this guy. Are you talking to other men on a dating site? If so, why don't you actually arrange to meet with someone who at least shows some interest in you as a person? Many guys on dating sites do ask you questions and want to get to know you. 

This guy is a definition of a timewaster. Someone who only talks about himself, sends you his own selfies but in return doesn't give a hoot about you at all. Do you think he knows your name? lol. Wouldn't be surprising if he doesn't. Do you think that he remembers the two of you talking last years? Possibly not. Curious, why did you bother explaining to him what he did wrong instead of blocking him last year?

Oh, just re-read your post, he didn't want to meet you last year. Wonder why bother with him at all. A good thing is that there are plenty of guys out there who actually want to have a relationship. A bad news is that you are not going to find them if you are going to keep yourself attached to the guys like this one.

It is totally up to you. A date is a date after all. As long as you have zero expectations regarding this guy.

 

[ShyViolet]

Your first mistake was chatting with him for "weeks".  That is a great way to waste a whole lot of time and energy.  When you match with someone on a dating site, either meet for an in-person date very soon to find out if you have chemistry, or stop talking to them.  If you haven't met in real life, you really don't know whether you have chemistry or not.  

 

[NuevoYorko]

Can you give even one compelling reason why you are considering meeting him?   Because he "seems like a cool person in other ways"?  I'm sure you have friends who are actually interested in you as a person and with whom you have things in common who are also cool in various ways.  Spend your recreational time with them.  Not with a guy who has made it so clear to you that he doesn't find you interesting.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I would cancel. 

He isn't interested in you as a person. He's looking for a fan to make him feel good about himself. Next. 

[babybrowns]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I fully agree that the current situation renders this a complete waste of time.

But it’s also true that he doesn’t have much to go on- he knows literally nothing about me, by his choice ofcourse. Not even a dating profile to look at since as mentioned I unmatched him last year.

I am curious to see whether an in-person meet-up would enlighten some of his interest, as is often the case with OLD where a face becomes a living, breathing person upon meeting. He’s also coming to my own town to meet me (amidst a very busy work schedule) which is a glimmer of hope that there might be a seed of interest there to build on, else he might have tried to insist that we meet near him.

If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. But I do find him interesting enough to put 2 hours aside to see if it does. I’ll still consider it. Thanks for your thoughts 

Edited September 15, 2022 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 I’m feeling very demotivated to go ahead with this. 

How did he contact you? Once a match is over, delete and block them from your contact lists, devices, messaging apps and social media. There's no point keeping dead weight around. 

Sadly it seems like he struck out elsewhere and backtracked to see who's still around. No point wasting time on lukewarm men.

[BaileyB]

My experience has been that people who lack social skills and social awareness don’t magically develop these skills when you meet in person. My concerns were usually magnified and confirmed when meeting in person. 

[introverted1]

His well ran dry so he circled back. Unlikely that meeting you in person will change his interest once other prospects become available to him, although he might fake it for the duration of his dry spell.

Given his likely intentions and that you are already half-hearted, going on this date is likely to just ramp up your anxiety and, ultimately, bitterness.  I don't recommend it.

[Allupinnit]

The answer is no.  He is recycling you.

[smackie9]

Always let first impressions count...he was a dud. 

[Alvi]

Like I said before, if you want to meet him, you should. Yes, you are probably going to waste your time and be disappointed at the end but at least you are going to say that you have tried. Sometimes it is better to explore some options (even obvious dead end options) rather than have what ifs. Be careful that he may use you so keep your eyes and ears wide open.

In a meantime, talk and go on dates with other guys. Don't put your eggs in one basket or so to speak.

Anyway, good luck and keep us updated.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

One year later, he messages me again. I asked him why and he said it was just to say hi. When the patterns are the same once again: him constantly sending me selfies, asking zero questions about me and my life, not asking me out, I reminded him of why I stopped talking to him last year.
 

Then he agrees to meet up this time, and we might be meeting up next weekend. He offered to come to my town to see me.

It's hard to understand why you still find him interesting when he's treating you the same way he did before.  He "agrees" to meet up this time?  Did you ask him or did he ask you and why is it a "might be meeting up next weekend" instead of an actual date with a time?

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

It's hard to understand why you still find him interesting when he's treating you the same way he did before.  He "agrees" to meet up this time?  Did you ask him or did he ask you and why is it a "might be meeting up next weekend" instead of an actual date with a time?

It was me who brought up meeting up, and when he didn’t seem that keen to, I was on my way out again and told him to stop contacting me. The prospect of losing me again made him agree to it and propose a day, offer to come to my town to meet me.

I know it doesn’t look good, but atleast if I go ahead I’ll get it out of my system properly this time..

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It was me who brought up meeting up, and when he didn’t seem that keen to

Oh, girl. 

You need to save your dignity here and forget this guy. It is not a good sign when you have to threaten to disappear just to muster up some interest in someone. Don't lower you bar that much. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It was me who brought up meeting up, and when he didn’t seem that keen to, I was on my way out again and told him to stop contacting me.

BB I can't believe you actually asked to see him after the way he acted not only previously but this time too.  What is so special about this one guy that he gets to act this way and you still find him interesting?  Is he good looking or something?  And why is the supposed date scheduled for next weekend instead of earlier like this weekend?  He has plenty of time to wiggle  out of it.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It was me who brought up meeting up, and when he didn’t seem that keen to, I was on my way out again and told him to stop contacting me. The prospect of losing me again made him agree to it and propose a day, offer to come to my town to meet me.

Losing you again? He never wanted you, he never lost you. He changed his mind because he thought maybe he'll get sex out out it. And yes, men have sex with women they don't even like. 

[basil67]

It sounds like both of you currently have no better options and are scraping the bottom of the barrel out of desperation.  Please, save your efforts for someone who you actually enjoy talking with.

[BaileyB]

BB, if you need to meet this man in order to say that you’ve given it every opportunity - that’s your decision. Personally, I would receive more satisfaction spending the evening with friends or doing a hobby that I enjoy. 

If you asked this guy out and he seemed lukewarm and he accepted only when you told him that you were walking away, that’s not encouraging in any way. Most definitely, keep meeting other men and don’t over-invest in this man because it will just leave you feeling disappointed and frustrated - yet again. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

NO.  No no no no.  You cannot be serious.

Is this the same guy?

Regardless, I can't believe you actually asked this guy to meet you.  You understand perfectly that he has no interest in you ... but have you even considered what a gigantic egomaniac he must be?  I mean, you chatted with him for two weeks on your first go round and he never asked you anything about yourself.  That says a LOT about his character.   It's not just that he isn't interested in you ... but WHO spends 2 weeks chatting to a stranger without learning anything about that person?  A person with a massive ego, that's who.  I mean, he could have low to zero interest in you and still even just out of common courtesy asked you a few basic questions, but he didn't.

My point with all of this is that he has clearly outed himself as a profoundly self centered and discourteous person.  Not someone you should be practically begging to meet with you (your choice of words:  He "agreed" to meet.   Ugh.)

Looking for that thread I linked above, I noticed that your very first topic here, in 2016, was something about how your boyfriend seemed disinterested in you.

Why sign up for more of that?  

[babybrowns]

If this was someone who met me and treated like this, it would be a very different story. But this is someone who knows nothing at all about me, just has 2 pictures to go on, which leads me to be curious about whether meeting up would spark something more. I’m still contemplating whether or not to go ahead with it; it’s not motivating at all and our time is precious.