Times have changed for the worst. Struggling

[mark clemson]

If you go by anecdotes, there do seem to be plenty of dysfunctional people (men and women) in the dating pool. I think some people, for whatever psychological reasons "hide" behind e.g. unrealistic "standards", lists of demands, etc. Some appear to be in a sort of extended "shopping mode" WRT to online dating as well.

The flip side of this is that there are ALSO plenty of happy, reasonably well-adjusted couples out there too.

I think that for someone they see as "the right guy" many women will drop whatever "standards" they have made. Who cares if he's "only" 5'9" if she attracted to him on a "primal" he's-the-one-for-me level. Like men, women tend to recognize what they want when they experience it.

With that is mind, I'd suggest you work on making yourself as attractive as possible. That includes "physically" but attraction for women is different, and what you might call "psychological" factors play a greater role. Confidence and independence are actually pretty significant ones, so you might actually be better off being somewhat less willing to cater to all their "conditions".

You could consider reading the chapters on female attraction in the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts," which might be of some help. Despite the title (which was, I believe, essentially done for marketing purposes) this is not a book on "seduction" - it's a scientific study of sexuality using a thematic and "big data" approach. While every woman is ultimately unique, in terms of making generalizations it does a reasonably good job of "explaining" what attracts women. I believe understanding this can be of significant help.

I'm also going to echo @NuevoYorko's great sentiments as (like apparently a lot of folks) I'm getting an undertone of "built up frustration"/negativity in your posts that probably comes across when you date as well and may create a self-defeating feedback loop as you try to date. It's about finding something close to the right person, not about them catering to your needs or you catering to theirs or trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with women who are attractive but not a good match in terms of their personalities and/or dating goals. That only leads to more frustration.

Edited September 14, 2022 by mark clemson

[JasonLaidlaw]

17 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

territorial is how you describe dogs or wild animals.  Being territorial can mean something negative to some women such as thry are your possession and you are going to be controlling.

Territorial meaning to protect my son. He comes first no matter what. Is this a problem?

[JasonLaidlaw]

19 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I will tell you with absolute certainty that the majority of these women you are disparaging are NOT 100% bad.   You are projecting some bitterness that you're carrying around onto women that you meet.  The people you date are definitely picking up on it.   You won't be able to be open to the right person, when you two cross paths, if you don't clean up your side of the street a little first

I have never once insinauted that all are? [ ]  I am literally explaining my situation here. Its fustrating and I 100% agree but why is it that I have to compromise on their part when they wont do it for me? What is wrong with setting boundaries and wanting to go to places where there is fun activities?

Edited September 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[JasonLaidlaw]

15 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You also need to share some activities or interests that align with someone interested in a long-term relationship. Besides the gym, what do you do for fun? What type of movies do you like? ... and on and on ...

Nearly all the dates want to go to the Pub and thats it. They wont compromise going to the cinema or some other activity. Yet I would do it for them. It's ridiculous.

[JasonLaidlaw]

8 hours ago, Clarity1 said:

It sounds like you take care of yourself, and you have values and boundaries. Have you considered joining groups that resonate with your interests and hobbies? Are you shying away from meeting people in social environments, like going out with mates to places? 

Not at all. My friends are into Football, we will play Football and go to the Gym, sometimes we will go out to the Pub. Meeting people isnt really a problem, when meeting new women they either want a one night stand or go out to the pub. They wont compromise on a date or want to have a long term relationship.

[JasonLaidlaw]

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

It would be more appealing to say something like "Looking for a partner to enjoy go-karting, the London Eye, a walk along the Thames, or whatever else we cook up" or something like that.

I will do this.

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Finally, what is your relationship like with your son's mother?  Is there anything on that front that might be off-putting to the women you meet?

Everything is fine, it is cordial and healthy. I wouldn't suggest anything is off-putting in that respect.

[JasonLaidlaw]

19 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Now, you are really fit. I'm going to assume muscular as well. Any chance you're featuring yourself in your pics as a hunk? Nothing wrong with that, but you might be so well built that you're attracted the wrong type of women. That's why your profile needs to be clear and your photos need to include hunk pics and some pics of you in other contexts.

I have been clear on this and I haven't.

I mean, I have had more dates in person than anything, a simple ask for a womens number usually gets good results, it seems to be harder online. 

[JasonLaidlaw]

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Honestly as a woman I feel you take yourself way too seriously.  You need a fellow gym rat for starters.  A lot of people go to the gym and don't use free weights.  

Whats wrong with taking myself seriously? Does it intimidate women? In my experience I get the impression it does because they cannot represent their own standards or at least match mines.

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Also, wining and dining is part of dating for a LOT of people.  It's fun, it's relaxing, it's conducive to good conversation.  You seem to genuinely hate it.  That's not romantic at all.

Wining and dining is not part of the date when the date says she is also interested in a long term relationship. You can't have it both ways. All of these dates have stated they want something serious then have either backtracked or stated they can't commit because I have a son (yet they knew this going in).

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I think it's perfectly within everyone's rights to decide against dating a parent.  Even if they themselves are a parent.  That's not for you to decide for a woman and then disparage her for it if it doesn't align with what YOU think she should want.  What if she doesn't like your kid?  What if your ex is a pain in the ass?  

Of course it is everyones right, but why are they saying one thing and doing the other knowing fine well I have a son. It's ridiculous. What she thinks? What on earth do you mean?

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Can you meet other women at your gym?

Yes, I met my ex there and don't want to do that all again.

[JasonLaidlaw]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

What do you have to offer the relationship in the way of hobbies and interests, future passions, things you do for fun? 

Passions of mine is ancient history, going to locations on earth that have pyramids in them (Bosnia and Egypt, for example). Reading is also a passion. My main interests are keeping fit and healthy.

To be honest it is about exploring places, reading and keeping fit and healthy.

[JasonLaidlaw]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Agree!!

With kindness OP, my thought reading that profile was this guy has high expectations and thinks pretty highly of himself and/or is trying too hard to impress women. It would be a pass for me too because that (as a first impression) is not appealing to me.

I’m sorry, just offering honest feedback. Take it for what it’s worth - 

Okay that's fine. I respect people who are upfront and honest.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

Territorial meaning to protect my son. He comes first no matter what. Is this a problem?

Not a problem, except that you there is no explanation/no context in the profile. As a woman, the word “territorial” could mean controlling, possessive, abusive - when considered in the context of a relationship partner. Just something to consider, from a different perspective.

Edited September 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

 

1 hour ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

Wining and dining is not part of the date when the date says she is also interested in a long term relationship. You can't have it both ways. 

 

I'm confused about the above.   Why can't someone who wants a long term relationship do wining and dining with you?

[JasonLaidlaw]

56 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm confused about the above.   Why can't someone who wants a long term relationship do wining and dining with you?

They can.

I am taking this from my experiences here, when I have went out "wining and dining" (it is always online for some reason), they have stated in text (on Bumble) that they are looking for something serious/ltr. Yet, after wining and dining one has stated they do not want ltr and one just never contacted back. It's ridiculous and pure manipulation. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

They can.

I am taking this from my experiences here, when I have went out "wining and dining" (it is always online for some reason), they have stated in text (on Bumble) that they are looking for something serious/ltr. Yet, after wining and dining one has stated they do not want ltr and one just never contacted back. It's ridiculous and pure manipulation. 

Your words are switching from "they" to "one".   Is it many women who've decided that they don't want a relationship with you after going out for a nice meal? Or was it one woman?   Had you already established that there was mutual attraction over more low key activities before splashing out on a something really nice?

Could it be that dining wasn't the issue and the truth was that they didn't simply didn't vibe with you?  

 

[JasonLaidlaw]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your words are switching from "they" to "one". 

No, one gaslight me into switching her stance from ltr to just wanting fun. The other one never contacted me back.

(below) 

36 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

Yet, after wining and dining one has stated they do not want ltr and one just never contacted back

 

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Could it be that dining wasn't the issue and the truth was that they didn't simply didn't vibe with you?  

If that was the case, I don't know why they were never honest with their intentions in the first place - I would consider this an indication of cowardice behaviour. 

[Rider on the Storm]

43 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

They can.

I am taking this from my experiences here, when I have went out "wining and dining" (it is always online for some reason), they have stated in text (on Bumble) that they are looking for something serious/ltr. Yet, after wining and dining one has stated they do not want ltr and one just never contacted back. It's ridiculous and pure manipulation. 

Is it possible that these women were interested in a LTR, but didn't feel as though the dates went well and that's why they told you that they changed their mind about wanting to be in something long-term, and/or why they never contacted you back, altogether? 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

No, one gaslight me into switching her stance from ltr to just wanting fun.

That was with you. When she met you she decided she didn’t want an LTR with you - likely due to incompatibility - but was open to something casual and fun. 
 

You’ve just described dating. Most people aren’t compatible,  and that’s what you’re seeing and sure it can be frustrating if you don’t have the right mindset. Good that you didn’t end up in relationships with these women due to them being a bad match. Just keep the search going. It’s a numbers game after awhile. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

No, one gaslight me into switching her stance from ltr to just wanting fun. The other one never contacted me back.

So it was only two women.  This does not equate to the broad description "Wining and dining is not part of the date when the date says she is also interested in a long term relationship. "   Eating out is very much a part of many LTRs

Quote

If that was the case, I don't know why they were never honest with their intentions in the first place - I would consider this an indication of cowardice behaviour. 

Again I ask, had you already established that there was mutual attraction and a desire for the same things over more low key activities?  I'm wondering if you spent good money on a nice meal before getting to know each other.

Edited September 15, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Is it possible that these women were interested in a LTR, but didn't feel as though the dates went well and that's why they told you that they changed their mind about wanting to be in something long-term, or why they never contacted you back, altogether? 

Also my thought. When I dated, I was interested in a LTR and went out with many men once or twice before one of us decided, it was not the one. That’s why people generally start low key - coffee, a drink at the pub, a walk in the park, a movie and dessert… Save your money for someone you know is truly interested in being in a LTR with YOU!

[JasonLaidlaw]

57 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Is it possible that these women were interested in a LTR, but didn't feel as though the dates went well and that's why they told you that they changed their mind about wanting to be in something long-term, and/or why they never contacted you back, altogether? 

I mean this is a lot of assumptions, "that's why they told you" when you are not them. Again, one did, one didn't I have went over this twice now. I find it ironic the one who changed her mind from ltr to just wanting fun told me after the meal and never had the courtesy to ask to split. The other one did split but never followed up, I clearly got the hint she wasn't interested, but that's fine. 

[JasonLaidlaw]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

That was with you. When she met you she decided she didn’t want an LTR with you - likely due to incompatibility - but was open to something casual and fun. 
 

You’ve just described dating. Most people aren’t compatible,  and that’s what you’re seeing and sure it can be frustrating if you don’t have the right mindset. Good that you didn’t end up in relationships with these women due to them being a bad match. Just keep the search going. It’s a numbers game after awhile. 

No, she told me through text she was only looking for ltr. Then she decided to tell me she is only interested in some fun.

I am aware most people aren't compatible but to conclude that as some sort of standard of dating is shocking, especially in my experience, clearly people have not been brought up right with proper decency and self respect.

Well over 10+ dates in this time period is not only frustrating but ridiculous. My mindset is perfectly fine, I do not go into dates with gaslighting, manipulation and dishonesty.

[JasonLaidlaw]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

So it was only two women.  This does not equate to the broad description "Wining and dining is not part of the date when the date says she is also interested in a long term relationship. "   Eating out is very much a part of many LTRs

Luckily this was from online dating only. In person it is completely different. Of course it doesn't, but what I have came across is this behaviour is only associated with online dating rather than knowing a date before hand.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Again I ask, had you already established that there was mutual attraction and a desire for the same things over more low key activities?  I'm wondering if you spent good money on a nice meal before getting to know each other.

Of course, all of what you stated was established.

Both presented that they went hill or mountain walking and were into activity oriented interests and hobbies (which is aligned with myself). Incredibly the one who never reached back out admitted during the date she never went mountain walking anyway, it was used as a mechanism to get dates (that was the red flag that appeared). So, it is no wonder she never contacted back.

Both the bills were around £80. I paid the full whack on one. Split on the other.

[JasonLaidlaw]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Also my thought. When I dated, I was interested in a LTR and went out with many men once or twice before one of us decided, it was not the one. That’s why people generally start low key - coffee, a drink at the pub, a walk in the park, a movie and dessert… Save your money for someone you know is truly interested in being in a LTR with YOU!

I did offer coffee first, but both said they have done it before and it would be "boring" - so I compromised. I don't want to do pubs but I am willing to compromise. A walk in the park was suggested but they both wanted to go straight to a restaurant.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

Territorial meaning to protect my son. He comes first no matter what. Is this a problem?

maybe "protective" would have been a better choice of words.

[JasonLaidlaw]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

maybe "protective" would have been a better choice of words.

"protective" is feminine. Territorial is much better since it is masculine, but thanks for the suggestion anyway.