Times have changed for the worst. Struggling

[JasonLaidlaw]

I am a 32 year old male who lives in London, I have a 6 year old son, I work very hard and my hobby is going to the gym. I have no weight or mental issues and I take pride in taking care of myself.

Over the last two and a half years I have had dates with friends, friends of friends and people on dating apps and nothing has came out of it. I have been honest from the start (seeking a long term relationship) and almost all have deceived me, lied straight to my face and made up fictitious scenarios in their head where it is not real or has no bearing on reality.

I don't know if this is a generational thing but I am struggling to come to terms with the insane double standards in this current climate of dating and the unrealistic expectations that have no bearing on reality.

Almost all of my dates don't want to be with a single dad, most of them get surprised that I do not own a house by myself (I own a flat), single mothers have told me they wont commit to anything serious with a single dad (when they are a single mother), most of my dates admitted they expected me to initiate all contact and make every intimate move, all of them stated they do not want to get married (when one of them has recently gotten engaged), the single mother I dated accused me of being "shady" for not having "fun" with her because I was looking for a long term relationship - as if I existed for her benefit, a couple of dates got frustrated and irritated that my hobby is gym and healthy eating... That I should stop going and eat out... Even though I compromised and got something as healthy as possible on the menu.

Every single one of them wanted me to "compromise" on their expectations when none of them had the standards they claimed to have and when I put my foot down they claimed I was being unreasonable or controlling.

Is this seriously what the dating pool is now? I am taken aback at how fake and uncompromising this is that none of these women couldn't bring themselves to truly assess their own value.

Edited September 13, 2022 by JasonLaidlaw

[Ami1uwant]

Let’s separate out friend of friends vs online dating.

 

istherr a commonality with those you date expect you to lead the entire way? Have you looked at those and found some common traits about them that you might be able to indirectly screen prior to even doing a date?

 

 

[JasonLaidlaw]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

istherr a commonality with those you date expect you to lead the entire way?

This is broad, in what way? I will try and answer this from what I think you are insinuating is; in terms of friends of freinds (mutual friends), one of these dates I offered to meet half way at a point to go go karting, she agreed. Once we met up (this was a place in Woolwich) near a go karting place, she told me she changed her mind and wanted us to go to the pub instead where our friends go. So I compromised and agreed to go to. Then after the date, she goes and tells a mutual friend that she wasn't happy that I suggested the go karting and that I should have known the pub was the best place to go.

15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Have you looked at those and found some common traits about them that you might be able to indirectly screen prior to even doing a date?

Half of the dates are people I know from around my area and friends of friends that know people from my area (indirectly), all of which tell me would be a good match and we would get along fine.

[Rider on the Storm]

What is your understanding as to why single mothers won't commit to a single dad?

Edited September 13, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[JasonLaidlaw]

4 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

What is your understanding as to why single mothers won't commit to a single dad?

From the two experiences, one explained that she doesn't want to care for someone else's children and the other date said she didn't want any more children in a long term relationship.

[basil67]

There's a whole lot here where I feel your frustration.  As a woman, I really don't understand those who sit around expecting a guy to do all the legwork.   What kind of things do you get lied to about?   And what are these 'fictitious" scenarios' you've found women inventing?

That said, I can also see their own perspectives.  I'm all for guys having hobbies, but if his hobby means that takeaway or restaurants become a compromise on his part, then it's gone too far for me.  Not suggesting that I'd want to eat out 4 nights a week, but a weekly date night or an Indian takeaway or pizza is something to relax and enjoy.  

When one of the women complained that you wouldn't have "fun" because you want a long term relationship, what exactly was she talking about?  What is "fun" in this context?

Edited September 13, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

From the two experiences, one explained that she doesn't want to care for someone else's children and the other date said she didn't want any more children in a long term relationship.

These are actually good reasons to not pursue things further.  Better they be honest now than string you along when you're not wanting the same thing.

[Ami1uwant]

38 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

This is broad, in what way? I will try and answer this from what I think you are insinuating is; in terms of friends of freinds (mutual friends), one of these dates I offered to meet half way at a point to go go karting, she agreed. Once we met up (this was a place in Woolwich) near a go karting place, she told me she changed her mind and wanted us to go to the pub instead where our friends go. So I compromised and agreed to go to. Then after the date, she goes and tells a mutual friend that she wasn't happy that I suggested the go karting and that I should have known the pub was the best place to go.

Half of the dates are people I know from around my area and friends of friends that know people from my area (indirectly), all of which tell me would be a good match and we would get along fine.

I’m not trying to insinuate anything.  I’m trying to help you out.  Maybe you are dating the wrong people.

 

have you talked to these friends who they set you up with…have you asked them to describe what they think you are as a person?    If they know you and know their friends then things should go better.
 

some people ina similar group were raised the same way. Did they go to the same church ? We’re theytaught it was up to the man to lead in dating.  If you’ve known people from elsewhere they view it very differently.

 

the issue on children…at your age you run into single moms. If they have no kids they likely frown upon inheriting a child in a relationship.  Men can be the same way.

 

what my help is if you find a fellow single parent who has children around yours.

[JasonLaidlaw]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There's a whole lot here where I feel your frustration.  As a woman, I really don't understand those who sit around expecting a guy to do all the legwork.   What kind of things do you get lied to about?   And what are these 'fictitious" scenarios' you've found women inventing?

Three things, most would lie that they are not in contact with there ex, some would lie about what job they have and if they are a regular at the gym. Some when confronted about it would laugh and tell me they are using their ex anyway, or claim they are a nurse when really they work in retail and the time after a coffee I suggested to take a date out to my local gym and she agreed while she had no clue what free weights were despite her telling me she was a regular at the gym... I just don't get it.

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

That said, I can also see their own perspectives.  I'm all for guys having hobbies, but if his hobby means that takeaway or restaurants become a compromise on his part, then it's gone too far for me.  Not suggesting that I'd want to eat out 4 nights a week, but a date night or an Indian takeaway or pizza now and then is something to relax and enjoy.  

That's the thing, on a date night, despite ordering a healthy option on the menu they are still not happy, it screams of insecurity or they don't take their health seriously.

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When one of the women complained that you wouldn't have "fun" because you want a long term relationship, what exactly was she talking about?  What is "fun" in this context?

Just sex. I was straight up from the start that I was only looking for a long term relationship.

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

These are actually good reasons to not pursue things further.  Better they be honest now than string you along when you're not wanting the same thing.

Okay? The fact one stated she didn't want to care for a potential partners children when she was looking for a long term relationship is genuinely disgusting and delusional. This woman is 34 with two daughters.

[JasonLaidlaw]

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Maybe you are dating the wrong people.

I am dating my options and most of them are either not honest or uncompromising to the point where they are being unreasonable.

11 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

have you asked them to describe what they think you are as a person?    If they know you and know their friends then things should go better.

Absolutely, I have done this. Most of the time they get exacerbated when I mention to do something or go somewhere that doesn't revolve around going to places where our mutual friends go or we have previously met before. It's either go out to the pub we have met before, go to restaurant that our friends go to or eat in some takeaway. Any suggestion of going go karting, indoor skiing, going on the london eye at night, go down the thames river or go on the cable car its met with instant resentment. Almost all utter the "I expected to go to the pub" or something along the lines where it has some sort of consumption (eating and drinking) behind it, despite there are pubs and restaurants inside or near these places. 

21 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

some people ina similar group were raised the same way. Did they go to the same church ? We’re theytaught it was up to the man to lead in dating.  If you’ve known people from elsewhere they view it very differently.

None of us are religious, but I suspect they were taught that we men lead in dating. But when you lead they don't like it. Get your head around that.

23 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

the issue on children…at your age you run into single moms. If they have no kids they likely frown upon inheriting a child in a relationship.  Men can be the same way.

Men can be. In my experiences every women I have met either doesn't want more kids, doesn't want to have to deal with my son or believe they can find someone without kids. Most of my dates are in their early to mid 30s

25 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

what my help is if you find a fellow single parent who has children around yours.

.I have dated a few but they don't want anything serious, just fun with no responsibilities. Yet, all of them ironically have stated they want married. It is astounding. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You really should be able to screen out these people with your dating profile.  You need to mention loud and up front that you are a single dad. You can even put in there your economic situation. 

What your experience means is that you are writing a generic profile and hiding yourself. In fact, you want to put out there the qualities that people might not like (like your kid) so that those women stay away from you, and the women who respect a single dad can find you. Again, same with the flat, same with long-term relationship. 

All three of those points need to be mentioned prominently in your profile. 

Now, you are really fit. I'm going to assume muscular as well. Any chance you're featuring yourself in your pics as a hunk? Nothing wrong with that, but you might be so well built that you're attracted the wrong type of women. That's why your profile needs to be clear and your photos need to include hunk pics and some pics of you in other contexts.

Good luck. This is a profile problem. Revise the profile to be more direct about the person you are. You might even make clear how often you see the kid. You want to screen out all "iffy" people. 

[JasonLaidlaw]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You really should be able to screen out these people with your dating profile.  You need to mention loud and up front that you are a single dad. You can even put in there your economic situation. 

What your experience means is that you are writing a generic profile and hiding yourself. In fact, you want to put out there the qualities that people might not like (like your kid) so that those women stay away from you, and the women who respect a single dad can find you. Again, same with the flat, same with long-term relationship. 

All three of those points need to be mentioned prominently in your profile. 

Now, you are really fit. I'm going to assume muscular as well. Any chance you're featuring yourself in your pics as a hunk? Nothing wrong with that, but you might be so well built that you're attracted the wrong type of women. That's why your profile needs to be clear and your photos need to include hunk pics and some pics of you in other contexts.

Good luck. This is a profile problem. Revise the profile to be more direct about the person you are. You might even make clear how often you see the kid. You want to screen out all "iffy" people. 

You have this all wrong.

I have had two dates on Bumble and that is the only dating app I have and will use (thinking about plenty of fish).

All my intentions are stated.

Here is a copy of my profile: "Father of a beautiful son. 6"3. LTR only. Veracious, territorial and euhemeristic." the five photos I have are; portrait of myself with my son, one at work, one with friends, one of me driving my car (inside my BMW, laughing) and one in the gym (not shirtless).

Two of the dates that I got from bumble were never representative of their texts and bio. They both lied when we went on dates.

[Ami1uwant]

19 minutes ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

You have this all wrong.

I have had two dates on Bumble and that is the only dating app I have and will use (thinking about plenty of fish).

All my intentions are stated.

Here is a copy of my profile: "Father of a beautiful son. 6"3. LTR only. Veracious, territorial and euhemeristic." the five photos I have are; portrait of myself with my son, one at work, one with friends, one of me driving my car (inside my BMW, laughing) and one in the gym (not shirtless).

Two of the dates that I got from bumble were never representative of their texts and bio. They both lied when we went on dates.

Territorial doesn’t sound like a good word to use,

 

what did those on bumble lie about?

womrn are the ones who initiate conversation on bumble.

 

match and fish are more open communication.  Eharmony is controlled matching of people based on personality profile.

 

i think where you live has some sort of mindset you don’t fit where they only want to stay in their neighborhood and don’t want do anything.  This is one of the characteristics of your group.

[JasonLaidlaw]

3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Territorial doesn’t sound like a good word to use,

How come?

4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

what did those on bumble lie about?

womrn are the ones who initiate conversation on bumble.

They were looking for a long term relationship; both of them stated they just wanted fun after confessing they were still in contact with their ex and none of them truly were into hill walking which were both in their profile.

7 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

match and fish are more open communication.  Eharmony is controlled matching of people based on personality profile.

I have recently downloaded eHarmony and will give it a try.

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

i think where you live has some sort of mindset you don’t fit where they only want to stay in their neighborhood and don’t want do anything.  This is one of the characteristics of your group.

You are correct, they believe Woolwich is the centre of Earth. I have tried everything to leave this characteristics of these women but they wont do it.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

How come?

They were looking for a long term relationship; both of them stated they just wanted fun after confessing they were still in contact with their ex and none of them truly were into hill walking which were both in their profile.

I have recently downloaded eHarmony and will give it a try.

You are correct, they believe Woolwich is the centre of Earth. I have tried everything to leave this characteristics of these women but they wont do it.

I’m in the USA…

 

territorial is how you describe dogs or wild animals.  Being territorial can mean something negative to some women such as thry are your possession and you are going to be controlling.

[NuevoYorko]

Sorry to say this, but you need a break from dating and an attitude adjustment.   

I do understand your frustration.  During my time with online dating, I had plenty of frustrations myself.  I have stories ... That said, I met a few women along the way who expressed almost the identical attitude that you have expressed here:  EVERY guy  misrepresented themselves,  ALL the guys had unrealistic expectations of them,  wouldn't date single mothers even if they had kids (common)  etc.  

This was an absolute turn off for me, and I would not see these women again; thus, confirming their already negative opinions about "all men."  I am one of ALL men who did all the creepy things, from their point of view.  

I also met  some great women who just were not a match, some ok ones who had aspects that were dealbreakers for me,  or vice versa, and ultimately,  a woman who was one of 2 great loves of my life.    She'd had similar experiences with a few fellows with your attitude.  

I will tell you with absolute certainty that the majority of these women you are disparaging are NOT 100% bad.   You are projecting some bitterness that you're carrying around onto women that you meet.  The people you date are definitely picking up on it.   You won't be able to be open to the right person, when you two cross paths, if you don't clean up your side of the street a little first. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Those photos all say "fun." All say "looking for a hookup." 

Yes, you mention your son, but after you say 6'3" ... you have to indicate that you are looking for a long-term relationship, in those exact words.

You also need to share some activities or interests that align with someone interested in a long-term relationship. Besides the gym, what do you do for fun? What type of movies do you like? ... and on and on ...

Veracious, territorial and euhemeristic.  Just me--and others might be different--but I understand "territorial" but I don't really understand it in the context of dating. You mean jealous? But "veracious" and "euhemeristic"--I confess: I have no idea what those words mean. Literally none. I would say go for more direct and relaxed language in a profile. 

But again, there is nothing in your profile that indicates you want more than sex, even more than a hookup. And if "veracious" and "euhemeristic" say otherwise, the problem is, those women don't know what they mean. And people looking at profiles ain't going to check the dictionary. 

Edited September 14, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Veracious, territorial and euhemeristic. 

 EUHEMERISM:  an approach to the interpretation of mythology in which mythological accounts are presumed to have originated from real historical events or personages.  (I don't get it, outside of a scholarly context)

VERACIOUS:  Truthful; honest.  (This is a positive that I can wrap my mind around, though what's wrong with "truthful; honest"?  It kind of seems like a vocabulary test.  Also I just keep reading it as "voracious," which is somehow compelling ...) 

 

 

[Clarity1]

12 hours ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

I am a 32 year old male who lives in London, I have a 6 year old son, I work very hard and my hobby is going to the gym. I have no weight or mental issues and I take pride in taking care of myself.

Over the last two and a half years I have had dates with friends, friends of friends and people on dating apps and nothing has came out of it. I have been honest from the start (seeking a long term relationship) and almost all have deceived me, lied straight to my face and made up fictitious scenarios in their head where it is not real or has no bearing on reality.

I don't know if this is a generational thing but I am struggling to come to terms with the insane double standards in this current climate of dating and the unrealistic expectations that have no bearing on reality.

Almost all of my dates don't want to be with a single dad, most of them get surprised that I do not own a house by myself (I own a flat), single mothers have told me they wont commit to anything serious with a single dad (when they are a single mother), most of my dates admitted they expected me to initiate all contact and make every intimate move, all of them stated they do not want to get married (when one of them has recently gotten engaged), the single mother I dated accused me of being "shady" for not having "fun" with her because I was looking for a long term relationship - as if I existed for her benefit, a couple of dates got frustrated and irritated that my hobby is gym and healthy eating... That I should stop going and eat out... Even though I compromised and got something as healthy as possible on the menu.

Every single one of them wanted me to "compromise" on their expectations when none of them had the standards they claimed to have and when I put my foot down they claimed I was being unreasonable or controlling.

Is this seriously what the dating pool is now? I am taken aback at how fake and uncompromising this is that none of these women couldn't bring themselves to truly assess their own value.

Online dating apps, IMO have not made things any easier when it comes to meeting people organically. Yes, an online profile can get you quick matches but as your issue states, it's not necessarily the best thing, especially when you meet them and they're not who they say they are on their profile. 

It sounds like you take care of yourself, and you have values and boundaries. Have you considered joining groups that resonate with your interests and hobbies? Are you shying away from meeting people in social environments, like going out with mates to places? 

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

Here is a copy of my profile: "Father of a beautiful son. 6"3. LTR only. Veracious, territorial and euhemeristic." the five photos I have are; portrait of myself with my son, one at work, one with friends, one of me driving my car (inside my BMW, laughing) and one in the gym (not shirtless).

"Territorial" conjures images of a caveman swinging his club at anyone who gets near his woman.

I know what euhemeristic means, but I don't understand its relevance in the context of a dating profile.

Are you the primary care-taker for your son?  If so, make that clear.

I'd leave out "LTR only."  There are other ways to say this (perhaps there is a place in the app where you can indicate what you are looking for). Unfortunately, I think many people see this sort of non-nuanced, without context, statement as the opposite of veracious.  I'm not saying that this isn't what you want, but many men say this in an effort to present what they think women want, so it's not something many women put a lot of stock in.  It would be more appealing to say something like "Looking for a partner to enjoy go-karting, the London Eye, a walk along the Thames, or whatever else we cook up" or something like that.  That not only humanizes you a bit but also gives a clear indication of the sorts of things you like doing and will hopefully attract a partner who enjoys similar activities.

Finally, what is your relationship like with your son's mother?  Is there anything on that front that might be off-putting to the women you meet?

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

Here is a copy of my profile: "Father of a beautiful son. 6"3. LTR only. Veracious, territorial and euhemeristic." the five photos I have are; portrait of myself with my son, one at work, one with friends, one of me driving my car (inside my BMW, laughing) and one in the gym (not shirtless).

I am a woman who is in a long term relationship with a man who has a son. So, obviously that didn’t turn me off but I will say, the bolded in your profile really would turn me away. As was said above, territorial is a pretty intimidating word to put in a dating profile. And if I may, I would encourage you just to put a close up photo of yourself when you are smiling. Men who put up photos with friends, other women, fancy cars, motorcycles, big fish or other game - I just used to laugh because the thought that went through my mind was “who are they trying to impress - not me obviously.” What’s more, I would take the photo of your son off the dating profile for safety and privacy reasons. You can share a photo with the woman you are dating when you feel like things are starting to progress. 

Good luck - I do believe good women are out their but as was my experience with dating, particulalry online, you have to weed through a lot of people to find the right one. 

Edited September 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

Honestly as a woman I feel you take yourself way too seriously.  You need a fellow gym rat for starters.  A lot of people go to the gym and don't use free weights.  

Also, wining and dining is part of dating for a LOT of people.  It's fun, it's relaxing, it's conducive to good conversation.  You seem to genuinely hate it.  That's not romantic at all.

I think it's perfectly within everyone's rights to decide against dating a parent.  Even if they themselves are a parent.  That's not for you to decide for a woman and then disparage her for it if it doesn't align with what YOU think she should want.  What if she doesn't like your kid?  What if your ex is a pain in the ass?  

With the gym pic/BMW pic, use of pretentious wording and the big muscles I'd pass on your profile because it would seem to me you're very into yourself and not a fun date.  For ME.  

Can you meet other women at your gym?

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Honestly as a woman I feel you take yourself way too seriously. 

With the gym pic/BMW pic, use of pretentious wording and the big muscles I'd pass on your profile because it would seem to me you're very into yourself and not a fun date.  For ME.  

Agree!!

With kindness OP, my thought reading that profile was this guy has high expectations and thinks pretty highly of himself and/or is trying too hard to impress women. It would be a pass for me too because that (as a first impression) is not appealing to me.

I’m sorry, just offering honest feedback. Take it for what it’s worth - 

Edited September 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JasonLaidlaw said:

I have recently downloaded eHarmony and will give it a try.

That's good. Forget hookup apps.

At 32 and a single father it won't be easy. Realistically you can expect a few questions.

Such as: Were you married? Are you legally divorced? How long have you been single? What is your contact with your child's mother/ex? How is your co-parenting and custody/visitation schedule. 

These may seem nosey, but they are all fair questions in screening.

The key is to have a good profile and pics, contact those who interest you, see who replies, suggesting meeting for a brief coffee/drink after a few messages.

It's hit and miss, however you can prevent burnout by screening well and ruling out losers early on.

[smackie9]

What do you have to offer the relationship in the way of hobbies and interests, future passions, things you do for fun?