KrogerBeetle Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 I'll try to keep this short. I matched with this woman a month ago on the dating app Hinge, said her location was few miles away. We started messaging for a few days. I then found out that she's based 150miles away, and she changed her location while she was in my city (Cardiff) but had just left Cardiff that evening. We continued messaging and swapped numbers, we flirted, messaged about our days and about ourselves, even a few voicenotes. We started to make plans for me to come up and visit her this coming weekend. We started sexting and had a few video calls. I found out that she ended a 5 year relationship about a month ago. Last week her tone as increased somewhat, that she likes me and sending the kiss emoji (something I wouldn't do before meeting in person), and sometimes double texting (which isn't a bad thing but sometimes its a sign). I'm having slight second thoughts about visiting her next weekend. While she's really pretty, great personality, similar interests and all that, I'm not sure long-term is possible at that distance as if this worked out. We'd need to book out whole weekends to see each other and plan stuff (and I'm not always free weekends), plus there'd be none of the little things I love like seeing each other maybe a few hours/spontaneous nights/activities (I'm ideally after something long-term, and her tone seems that she's after that too). The visit this coming weekend seems so pressured as a first date (£60 journey fee and her hosting me overnight on the first date, and doesnt help we've built it up) Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know I can only blame myself for continuing this up to now but I'm not sure how I feel about continuing it. Appreciate any advice! Thanks
introverted1 Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 27 minutes ago, KrogerBeetle said: We started sexting and had a few video calls. 27 minutes ago, KrogerBeetle said: her hosting me overnight on the first date I'm not usually in the worst-case-scenario camp but... Are you sure you aren't being set up? It's incredibly risky of her to invite a complete stranger to her home. Assuming she is legit, I'd say this lady is not ready to date anyone seriously. She's 1 month out of a 5-year relationship and appears eager to sow some oats at this point. You have to assume she is meeting others on the app and also sexting/video-chatting them, as well. I can't imagine this has legs. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 22 minutes ago, introverted1 said: She's 1 month out of a 5-year relationship and appears eager to sow some oats at this point. That was my first thought, too. I personally would not have a sleepover as a first date in any case, OP. What if you get there and realize you aren't attracted to her in person? Or vice versa? It happens, even after video calls and whatnot. You don't know how well you will mesh (or not) and if you're meant to be staying the night, you're kind of stuck if it falls flat. I would rethink this whole idea. At most, meet in the middle somewhere, and not for an overnight. 1
Author KrogerBeetle Posted September 12, 2022 Author Posted September 12, 2022 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: I'm not usually in the worst-case-scenario camp but... Are you sure you aren't being set up? It's incredibly risky of her to invite a complete stranger to her home. Assuming she is legit, I'd say this lady is not ready to date anyone seriously. She's 1 month out of a 5-year relationship and appears eager to sow some oats at this point. You have to assume she is meeting others on the app and also sexting/video-chatting them, as well. I can't imagine this has legs. I understand your point completely, although she's made it very clear that she's not talking to others. The amount she messages I'm suprised how she's able to do her job never mind message anyone else
Author KrogerBeetle Posted September 12, 2022 Author Posted September 12, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: That was my first thought, too. I personally would not have a sleepover as a first date in any case, OP. What if you get there and realize you aren't attracted to her in person? Or vice versa? It happens, even after video calls and whatnot. You don't know how well you will mesh (or not) and if you're meant to be staying the night, you're kind of stuck if it falls flat. I would rethink this whole idea. At most, meet in the middle somewhere, and not for an overnight. This is where the issues come into it. She's having to house-sit her parents place and look after their dog so meeting in the middle isn't really possible, and I'm only free Friday evening/Saturday day-time, as I'm booked up next three weekends as it stands. It's already been a month of talking, I don't fancy having to wait more. So I don't have many other choices but either to go or not go (and by not going this will probably fade)
kleaners Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 Sounds like she's looking for a booty call. As a first date I would at least find a restaurant halfway and meet for dinner and see how things go from there. Two hours is a bit far (but I just started seeing someone who's 90-120 minutes away depending on traffic). My mom made a good point, you meet people in college and don't know how far apart you live. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 2 hours ago, KrogerBeetle said: I found out that she ended a 5 year relationship about a month ago. I'm having slight second thoughts about visiting her next weekend. Your instincts are correct that things are not adding up and there are glaring red flags, that this is problematic. Cancel. You've wasting a lot of time on chitchat which is typical of scammers, catfish and assorted others who are best avoid. Anyone who contacts you from a distance and seems "too good to be true" is someone to view with caution. If you go, come back with both your kidneys. 3
Author KrogerBeetle Posted September 12, 2022 Author Posted September 12, 2022 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Your instincts are correct that things are not adding up and there are glaring red flags, that this is problematic. Cancel. You've wasting a lot of time on chitchat which is typical of scammers, catfish and assorted others who are best avoid. Anyone who contacts you from a distance and seems "too good to be true" is someone to view with caution. If you go, come back with both your kidneys. Omg she's not a muderer or a scammer just because we've done some sexting and she finds me attractive she's legit on the video calls we have, same with her active social media usage. The 'red flags' was more if this distance was doable in the long run rather then her and if head will end up on a spike haha 1
poppyfields Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 2 hours ago, KrogerBeetle said: We started sexting... Who initiated the sexting? To me, the answer is obvious, cancel the meet, there's nothing good or positive about any of it. I'm like you. A spontaneous, live in the moment person. All my boyfriends and now husband knew/know this about me; long distance would never work for me unless it was something short term, like for business or something.. Also you mentioned "pressure," I understand and totally agree. First meets are pressured enough without adding long distance into the equation and committing yourself to an entire weekend with a stranger. I can't say what's going on with this girl but any woman open and willing to sext with you and who invites you into her home before ever meeting in person is someone you may want to avoid. Stick with local, seems more your style.
kleaners Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 If you honestly think a long distance relationship isn't for you, don't waste your time or hers. If she's piqued your interest enough, go ahead with the meeting. You never know what might develop. Yes, it will be challenging, but if the driving is shared it won't be so bad. Plan for weekend stays at her place and yours on alternate weeks. An hour to meet somewhere for dinner during the week isn't terribly unreasonable. 1
poppyfields Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Anyone who contacts you from a distance and seems "too good to be true" is someone to view with caution. Excellent advice! For everyone. 1
glows Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 You wouldn’t be here if you felt comfortable with the arrangement. It sounds like a waste of time. It was fun in the moment texting and pretending it might be feasible but it’ll burn out quickly anyway if you’re looking for something long term. Her inviting you over does make it sound like a booty call. It might have come from a good place but I don’t imagine a person in their right mind would have a stranger stay over. Have dinner somewhere and stay at a hotel. The overnight routine gets very dull when it’s too much too soon in longer distance relationships. You observed that yourself in your OP when you mentioned lack of spontaneity and meeting up more often during the week.
fred123 Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 read my post. just had a similar situation. difference is i spent 4 months and i didnt stay with her. big mistake. i have a question for you- would you go see her if she didnt invite u to stay at hers?
Amy4love Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 Long distance relationship are to be view with caution, love can come from anywhere though.
basil67 Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 So her location changed and she didn't think to tell you for a few days? Fishy. I wouldn't continue with her on that alone. Add the distance and it's a double fail. At this point, I think a good response would be "You seem nice and all, but I would not have messaged you had I known that you were no longer local. I really have no interest in having a long distance thing, so I wish you luck in your dating endeavours"
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 9 hours ago, KrogerBeetle said: The amount she messages I'm suprised how she's able to do her job never mind message anyone else This, to me, is another huge red flag. I’m always leery of people who are quick to jump with people they have never actually met - kiss emojis - and text constantly. This plus the fact that she is JUST out of a long term relationship would really give me pause - As to the long distance thing, I know several couples who dated long distance including one who married after meeting online in a chat room (they lived in different countries). So, it is possible but it takes commitment. That said, it would not be for me. And, I think it’s more likely work if you have dated in person for a while before going long distance - it’s harder to begin a relationship with someone when you can’t actually spend time together in person.
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2022 Posted September 12, 2022 8 hours ago, poppyfields said: any woman open and willing to sext with you and who invites you into her home before ever meeting in person is someone you may want to avoid. Absolutely OP: what would you think if your sister told you she connected with a man 150 miles away and has invited him to her place, you'd think she's lost her mind right? 1
ShyViolet Posted September 13, 2022 Posted September 13, 2022 Long distance relationships are a massive waste of time. Why would you put yourself in this position? What if you do start a relationship, then you'd have to travel all that distance every time you want to see each other? And I'm sorry but anyone who would invite a stranger that they've never met to stay overnight in their home is a bit off and has poor judgment. That's just not smart for a first date. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2022 Posted September 13, 2022 15 hours ago, KrogerBeetle said: It's already been a month of talking, I don't fancy having to wait more. So I don't have many other choices but either to go or not go (and by not going this will probably fade) Then that is exactly why I wouldn't bother with this. She's too far away to see with any regularity or date in a normal, measured way.
poppyfields Posted September 13, 2022 Posted September 13, 2022 (edited) On 9/12/2022 at 3:51 AM, KrogerBeetle said: I'm having slight second thoughts about visiting her next weekend. While she's really pretty, great personality, similar interests and all that, I'm not sure long-term is possible at that distance as if this worked out. We'd need to book out whole weekends to see each other and plan stuff (and I'm not always free weekends), plus there'd be none of the little things I love like seeing each other maybe a few hours/spontaneous nights/activities (I'm ideally after something long-term, and her tone seems that she's after that too). The visit this coming weekend seems so pressured as a first date. ^Nuff said. You claim you're having 'slight' second thoughts and ''not sure." Based on what's written above, it sounds like your second thoughts are more than 'slight' and you are sure. @KrogerBeetle this is a total bust and a complete waste of time. Listen to your gut, and follow accordingly. There's nothing good here Edited September 13, 2022 by poppyfields
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