Am I overreacting?

[Lifegoeson12]

I’ll cut it short. My bf and I where meant to go to a concert with his friends today. 
 

The concert was outdoors and it was raining so my bf said to me the day before that we would skip it, now all week he was will we go maybe we won’t. 
 

Because he said he wasn’t going to go I said that’s fine with me we can skip it. 
 

cut to today. We made plans this morning, plans for the whole day. I asked him again before we left the house if he wanted to go and he said no. So we continued with our plans. Halfway through the plans when we should have been heading for dinner he turns to me and says I’m going to drop you home and go meet the guys and maybe go to the concert. 
 

I was disgusted, which I’m pretty sure he knew cause he then asked after he saw my face if I wanted to go. I said no, my reasoning behind it was because he was so set on me not going that I didn’t want to push an invite. 

Im really annoyed over this, he went from being I’m not going to go to I’m going to go without you. 
 

The only reason I gave him that I didn’t want to go was because he said he didn’t want to go. Am I overreacting? I asked him all week what the plans where for today and he kept saying we’ll decide closer to the date, then we wake this morning and he says he isn’t bothered going and then changes his mind.

What I’m annoyed at is he didn’t even ask if I wanted to go until he saw I was annoyed. He cancelled our dinner plans, and plans to go to his place and just dropped me home and went off. 

I really am upset over it, do you’s think I’m over reacting and what advice would you give to show him that it really hurt me because I don’t think he’s getting it. 
 

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I really am upset over it, do you’s think I’m over reacting and what advice would you give to show him that it really hurt me because I don’t think he’s getting it. 
 

You're not overreacting. You don't have to show him you're hurt, you have to tell him. You can say the exact words you use here. Something like "I was really looking forward to spending the day with you, and was hurt when you decided you wanted to go out with your friends instead of me after we had already made plans. It made me feel like I wasn't a priority for you."

 Of course use your own words, but something like that will communicate to him pretty clearly what he did hurt you. Remember you're not trying to hurt him in return - no point in playing passive aggressive games even though that's sometimes our initial reaction.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Weezy1973
Spelling

[Lifegoeson12]

22 minutes ago, S2B said:

You aren’t his priority. He’s not considering your feelings. 
over reacted? I don’t know - how did you react? I’d certainly let him know he hurt you by being a total jerk.

either way, he wanted the day with others, not you. I would start dating other men. I hope you don’t live with him.

how old are you two?

I’m 30 and he’s 32. 
 

I wouldn’t have minded if he went and didn’t make plans with me but he did, and then dropped our plans and me halfway through the day. 
 

I always include him in my plans. And I have no issue with him going with his friends but what angers me is how quick he dropped me. 
 

he literally went to the bathroom and when he came out it was like ok I’ve totally changed my mind now I’m going to meet my friends without you instead. 
 

then he said he didn’t think I wanted to go, I said I didn’t want to go because  he said he didn’t want to go at first. 

[Lifegoeson12]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You're not overreacting. You don't have to show him you're hurt, you have to tell him. You can say the exact words you use here. Something like "I was really looking forward to spending the day with you, and was hurt when you decided you wanted to go out with your friends instead of me after we had already made plans. It made me feel like I wasn't a priority for you."

 Of course use your own words, but something like that will communicate to him pretty clearly what he did hurt you. Remember you're not trying to hurt him in return - no point in playing passive aggressive games even though that's sometimes our initial reaction.

I did, I explained I didn’t mind if he wanted to meet his friends without me but I was hurt at how quick he dropped our plans to see them. 
 

The friends he was meeting don’t live in the area so he doesn’t seem them that often. But this morning he was fine about seeing them in two weeks and not tonight and then it all changed. 

[poppyfields]

How long have you been dating him? 

The reason I ask is there are different expectations at every stage and different responses to disappointments, depending on the stage you're in. 

For example, if you're in early stages (first three months or so) wherein you're simply observing actions to determine if he's the right fit for long term, say nothing and just break up with him. 

That's what I wouid do and have done.  Bye.  Done.

If you're in an exclusive committed relationship, talk to him.

I wouldn't complain that you're hurt and don't feel like a priority, that sounds whiny and will NOT going over well, he will feel criticized and attacked. 

Tell him you're disappointed and discuss perhaps ending the relationship because frankly it does appear he's on his way OUT imo.

That was just a cr@ppy thing to do and not something a boyfriend who cared would do imho.

Bye. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I did, I explained I didn’t mind if he wanted to meet his friends without me but I was hurt at how quick he dropped our plans to see them. 
 

The friends he was meeting don’t live in the area so he doesn’t seem them that often. But this morning he was fine about seeing them in two weeks and not tonight and then it all changed. 

Well I think you've done all you can then. If this is a one off, then really it's best to forgive and forget - a valuable skill in long term relationships. But, if this is a pattern, and you often find yourself feeling hurt, it might be time to reassess the relationship.

[Lifegoeson12]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How long have you been dating him? 

The reason I ask is there are different expectations at every stage and different responses to disappointments, depending on the stage you're in. 

For example, if you're in early stages (first three months or so) wherein you're simply observing actions to determine if he's the right fit for long term, say nothing and just break up with him. 

That's what I wouid do and have done.  Bye.  Done.

If you're in an exclusive committed relationship, talk to him.

I wouldn't complain that you're hurt and don't feel like a priority, that sounds whiny and will NOT going over well, he will feel criticized and attacked. 

Tell him you're disappointed and discuss perhaps ending the relationship because frankly it does appear he's on his way OUT imo.

That was just a cr@ppy thing to do and not something a boyfriend who cared would do imho.

Bye. 

 

 

We’re together just over 5 months. 

I’m so angry at him. I think it’s because he discarded me like I wasn’t important. 
 

I usually never feel this angry but for some reason I’m furious over it. I think it because I value my time, and he wasted it and he made me feel like I was worthless. 
 

Something I know is part an issue of mine but still he really did make me feel worthless and I think it scared me how quick he could go from wanting to spend time with me to deciding not too. 
 

otherwise our relationship has been going well. But he’s one of those men’s men so maybe that’s something that should be considered 

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I usually never feel this angry but for some reason I’m furious over it. I think it because I value my time, and he wasted it and he made me feel like I was worthless.

The wasting of time thing, is definitely a real thing. I mean just planning something together then out of the blue changing the plans is not great. But again - is this a pattern or a one off. No partner is perfect; they will "mess up", act selfishly once in awhile etc. It happens. Holding a grudge or staying upset will do more to damage a relationship than the initial incident. Being able to forgive him will go a long way. Believe it or not, you'll mess up to at some point, and when you do, he hopefully will be forgiving to. This is not an unforgivable offense in the grand scheme of things. The feelings of worthlessness I suspect stem from something beyond this relationship - people who don't struggle with self-worth, wouldn't suddenly feel worthless because of this type of incident. More realistically you felt he didn't value you or your time, and you felt hurt. But the worthless piece, is not something to put on him.

[Lifegoeson12]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The wasting of time thing, is definitely a real thing. I mean just planning something together then out of the blue changing the plans is not great. But again - is this a pattern or a one off. No partner is perfect; they will "mess up", act selfishly once in awhile etc. It happens. Holding a grudge or staying upset will do more to damage a relationship than the initial incident. Being able to forgive him will go a long way. Believe it or not, you'll mess up to at some point, and when you do, he hopefully will be forgiving to. This is not an unforgivable offense in the grand scheme of things. The feelings of worthlessness I suspect stem from something beyond this relationship - people who don't struggle with self-worth, wouldn't suddenly feel worthless because of this type of incident. More realistically you felt he didn't value you or your time, and you felt hurt. But the worthless piece, is not something to put on him.

I 100% agree. 
 

I definitely don’t put the worthless feelings on him. I plan everything we do, even with his friends I have to plan. This was meant to be his day to give me a break of planning and it turned into a disaster. 
 

He also moved into a new place, and today was meant to be the day I saw it. I was excited to see it, I was also excited to go to the concert as well, I didn’t tell him that because he wasn’t sure on going to it so I told him I didn’t mind. 
 

Maybe once I get a good sleep I’ll calm down. I’m usually hot headed but I kept my cool, but I am sad and I hate that I gave him the power to cause a sadness like that in me. 

[Rider on the Storm]

24 minutes ago, S2B said:

Please don’t make excuses for his rude behavior.

 

I agree.

OP - This was highly inconsiderate on his part and nothing about it was ok. It's obvious that he didn't want you there. It leaves the door open to wonder why that is. Even if it was "so he could hang out with the boys" that doesn't make it ok. As someone else mentioned, you are not his priority.

Should you decide to stay with him, I would keep him on a very short leash from this point forward. Unfortunately, if he was ultimately willing to do this, but hunch is this won't be his last inconsiderate action.

[smackie9]

The way I see it this concert was just them going but he didn’t have the ballz to tell you. IMO you should just boot him to the curb for his troubles. 

[BaileyB]

I don’t think you are over reacting.

I agree, I think he realized there were no other wives/girlfriends going which is why he tried to back out and then decided to go with “the boys.” I would be pretty unimpressed - IF that is the case, just be honest with me. Instead, he tried to avoid the confrontation by deceiving you. He essentially gave you the old bait and switch. Had he been honest, I may have said “go and have fun” or we could have gone to the concert and/or done something else together. But you essentially got dumped so that he could go to the concert with hai friends and that would make me angry too…

Edited September 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

Definitely inconsiderate on his part. 

Do you recall any disagreements that took place between you two before this happened? Did you have any hesitation at all about going to the concert beyond the fact that he had said he did not want to attend? 

Occasionally, boyfriends do or say certain things to appease their girlfriends. It's possible that he really wanted to attend the concert but sensed that you didn't. 

It may be that he tried to appease everyone and then when crunch time came, he broke the weakest link. 

That would be you. 

The first step would be to sit down with myself and carefully articulate what is causing my anger. My first assumption would be that he would put his friend first. His friend was more important than me. Second assumption, he prefers his friends over me.

It's there I'd have to check myself. 

Taking things personally hurts me, so I should be careful here. It's possible his decision wasn't related to priorities or that I don't know the context. It may also be that he just wants to be with his friend, and not with me. I can put my anger into a more balanced perspective when these two very natural, yet inaccurate conclusions are removed. Keeping things in perspective helps me.

My boyfriend and I already had a plan. By changing them like that, he wasn't considerate.

I can discuss the lack of consideration, but that doesn't mean I don't matter.

I have a right to be upset. I need to calibrate how upset I am and how I'll manage it.

Lifegoeson12, his inability to promise that it won't happen again is fine.

But you can promise him that you don't play when it comes to breaking plans so he can act like a 20 year old.

[Lifegoeson12]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t think you are over reacting.

I agree, I think he realized there were no other wives/girlfriends going which is why he tried to back out and then decided to go with “the boys.” I would be pretty unimpressed - IF that is the case, just be honest with me. Instead, he tried to avoid the confrontation by deceiving you. He essentially gave you the old bait and switch. Had he been honest, I may have said “go and have fun” or we could have gone to the concert and/or done something else together. But you essentially got dumped so that he could go to the concert with hai friends and that would make me angry too…

It annoyed me as it was his friend and his friends wife going. I was invited but some reason he saw for to go without me yesterday 

[Lifegoeson12]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Definitely inconsiderate on his part. 

Do you recall any disagreements that took place between you two before this happened? Did you have any hesitation at all about going to the concert beyond the fact that he had said he did not want to attend? 

Occasionally, boyfriends do or say certain things to appease their girlfriends. It's possible that he really wanted to attend the concert but sensed that you didn't. 

It may be that he tried to appease everyone and then when crunch time came, he broke the weakest link. 

That would be you. 

The first step would be to sit down with myself and carefully articulate what is causing my anger. My first assumption would be that he would put his friend first. His friend was more important than me. Second assumption, he prefers his friends over me.

It's there I'd have to check myself. 

Taking things personally hurts me, so I should be careful here. It's possible his decision wasn't related to priorities or that I don't know the context. It may also be that he just wants to be with his friend, and not with me. I can put my anger into a more balanced perspective when these two very natural, yet inaccurate conclusions are removed. Keeping things in perspective helps me.

My boyfriend and I already had a plan. By changing them like that, he wasn't considerate.

I can discuss the lack of consideration, but that doesn't mean I don't matter.

I have a right to be upset. I need to calibrate how upset I am and how I'll manage it.

Lifegoeson12, his inability to promise that it won't happen again is fine.

But you can promise him that you don't play when it comes to breaking plans so he can act like a 20 year old.

I did say I wasn’t bothered going either way. I explained that if it was raining I wouldn’t go as standing outside in the rain isn’t my idea of fun. 
 

I don’t mind if he went on his own but it’s the fact he dumped me To the side and went after telling me he wasn’t going to go. 
 

if he said I’m going to go, you’re more than welcome to join if you wanted but I’d like to go I might’ve gone or might’ve said go enjoy yourself. But I didn’t even get that choice. 
 

He tried to shift the blame To me because I didn’t give him a definite answers to what I wanted to do, where I simply said I’m letting you plan the day because I plan everything and I’ll do what you want to do.  
 

Then said he didn’t bring me cause he didn’t think I wanted to go, where he didn’t even ask if I wanted too. 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

He tried to shift the blame To me because I didn’t give him a definite answers to what I wanted to do, where I simply said I’m letting you plan the day because I plan everything and I’ll do what you want to do.  
 

Then said he didn’t bring me cause he didn’t think I wanted to go, where he didn’t even ask if I wanted too. 

It's one thing if he had been honest and said something like, "I just really feel like blowing off steam with my friends at the last minute, and could I drop you off and we reschedule?" and apologized for it, it would have been one thing, but to turn it around to you, this is a really a jerk move.

Like, there could be exceptions to this scenario, such as when your boyfriend discovers an old friend is visiting during dinner, for example. But even then, he could explain why he wants to change plans and ask you if you two could change plans so he could see this old friend or offer to take you along.

How great is the relationship otherwise, is this common for him?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

. But he’s one of those men’s men so maybe that’s something that should be considered 

Sorry this happened. He blew you off after messaging his pals in the bathroom.

It this the first incident of disrespect?  It may be time to step back and consider if this lack of character and respect for you is something you want to entertain in the long run.

By men's men you seem to be rationalizing that it's ok to blow you off (and lie about it) whenever his pals contact him? 

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He blew you off after messaging his pals in the bathroom.

It this the first incident of disrespect?  It may be time to step back and consider if this lack of character and respect for you is something you want to entertain in the long run.

By men's men you seem to be rationalizing that it's ok to blow you off (and lie about it) whenever his pals contact him? 

It’s just annoying, he’s now saying he didn’t know we where meant to have dinner together when it was his idea in the first place. 

He made the plans yesterday but is now trying to say they weren’t set in stone. Which is infuriating me cause they where. 
 

Sorry by mans man I meant, I don’t think he realises or knows how to handle me being upset and instead of actually properly apologising he is saying we both see two different sides to it. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

It annoyed me as it was his friend and his friends wife going. I was invited but some reason he saw for to go without me yesterday 

Then that would absolutely annoy me. I’m sorry.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

It’s just annoying, he’s now saying he didn’t know we where meant to have dinner together when it was his idea in the first place. He made the plans yesterday but is now trying to say they weren’t set in stone. Which is infuriating me cause they where. I don’t think he realises or knows how to handle me being upset and instead of actually properly apologising he is saying we both see two different sides to it. 

He's gaslighting to cover his butt. He's a grown man. He knows what a weasel is and how not to be one.

[kleaners]

You're not overreacting. I'd be upset too. Make it a point to tell him you were disappointed he opted to go to the concert with his friends, and not initially inviting you, after telling you he didn't want to go and making alternate date plans.

[Weezy1973]

I think the main thing to consider is if this is a one off or a pattern. Isolated incident, not a dealbreaker. Pattern, probably end of the relationship. 
 

In long term relationships though, and this is only five months I realize, giving our partner the benefit of the doubt goes a long way. Take his word that what he’s telling you is truly what he believes. You didn’t want to go to the concert in the rain. The dinner was more a suggestion than a plan. If he truly believed that, his actions make more sense. Again, benefit of the doubt.

After the strong emotions subside, you’ll need to talk to him about it. Set expectations moving forward. Early stage of relationships are often about setting boundaries and coming up with compromises. You’re two different people and see the world differently. Like every couple. That’s why communication is so important. 

[poppyfields]

On 9/11/2022 at 2:24 PM, Lifegoeson12 said:

I explained I didn’t mind if he wanted to meet his friends without me but I was hurt at how quick he dropped our plans to see them. 

Exactly.  It's not so much that he didn’t make you a priority, imo it's OK that a man has other priorities.  So do I. 

It's that he made a commitment to take you, to spend the day with you, but broke that commitment because he'd rather be with his friends. 

That's dismissive, disrespectful, and insulting imo. 

Is there an update OP?  How are you feeling now? 

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

This was, IMO, beyond inconsiderate.   He disrespected you AND then the gaslighting.   Is he a reasonable boyfriend in general, because this is pretty far off the charts into unacceptable territory.

[IrinaM]

Methinks there was going to be another girl there he was hoping to get to know