He prioritizes his friends too much?

[glows]

I didn’t mean date right now but when you feel ready eventually. 

About the friend yelling to come over, don’t take it too literally to actually go over. A wave is fine and just hang out with your own friends. You were both in line at the bar getting drinks? It must have been a very long line for him to have time to say so much. Next time just say you’ve gotta go, bye. It’s inevitable you’ll run into each other again.

Don’t keep putting yourself out there acting nice around him. The chapter is over. Enjoy the trip wherever you have planned. 100% agree on traveling solo where you can. 

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I didn’t mean date right now but when you feel ready eventually. 

About the friend yelling to come over, don’t take it too literally to actually go over. A wave is fine and just hang out with your own friends. You were both in line at the bar getting drinks? It must have been a very long line for him to have time to say so much. Next time just say you’ve gotta go, bye. It’s inevitable you’ll run into each other again.

Don’t keep putting yourself out there acting nice around him. The chapter is over. Enjoy the trip wherever you have planned. 100% agree on traveling solo where you can. 

Not that long, I was waiting in line when he came over and talked to me, I just assumed he came for drinks. He interrupted. There was no accurate line, just a bunch of people trying to get the the bartenders attention. I left before he ordered.

I will definitely avoid him from now. 

I went over to show that I wasn't bothered, that it wasn't awkward, I shouldnt have now. If it happens again I will just wave. 

I love solo traveling and have done it before, but always find it a bit lonely to come home and have no one to share it with 

[Runninggirl]

Today he made the effort to remove me as a follower on instagram, but he still follows me. Neither of us are even posting anything, maybe once every other year. We didnt really have much contact there even. Im not doing anything about it, Im not "removing him back" so he can see that it affects me. Just pretending like Ill never notice. I won't do anything back regardless of what he does. But its very strange behavior. Would be more normal to unfollow me. I know he's at work right now, which makes it stranger. Why is he sitting at work thinking that he should go in an remove me. This behavior is very strange. He also removed his location on snapchat, but doesn't unfriend me. It feels like he's trying to get some reaction out of me. I won't react obviously. Just let life go on. 

I feel ok today, which is nice. No contact is always the way to go, never any doubt

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I know he's at work right now, which makes it stranger. Why is he sitting at work thinking that he should go in an remove me. This behavior is very strange.

It's no stranger than how much thought you are giving it, to be fair. Perhaps his new girl got wind of your chat with him at the bar and requested that he remove you. 

You are also not No Contact if you're still at all connected on social media. I understand what you mean, but you are still letting him occupy too much space in your mind by staying connected. Don't make excuses for yourself to not block him. Do it so you can let go. 

[Runninggirl]

@ExpatInItaly 

I think its less strange that it occupies my head considering he was the "dumper". Would make sense, but it would make more sense if a girl asked him to unfollow or delete me. He is still following me.

I dont believe in blocking and deleting, I think it just makes me seem bitter and childish. As if Im trying to get a reaction. If he was texting me I would believe in blocking, but he is not. So we are in no contact, neither of us are contacting each other. Also if he was active on social media I would use the tool to hide content from him so it wouldn't appear in my feed, and then just slowly delete after a long period of no contact, which I think is more natural and mature. 

I feel like he wants a reaction and that his ego feeds off it. I won't give him the ego boost it would be to see that it gets to me. Better to play it cool, than reward such behavior with a reaction. 

[poppyfields]

@Runninggirl

He sounds conflicted to me and I think he still has feelings; to me it's obvious otherwise he'd be indifferent.

NOT losing his **** like he did when you ran into him and he motioned you over. 

His response was emotional and men who no longer care do not motion you over and become emotional the way he did. 

They're aloof, indifferent towards you. 

You were cool as a cucumber , there was no reason for him to lose his * the way he did. 

Him removing you on IG but still following you, yes he's thinking about you and either seeking a reaction or scrambling around attempting to work through his conflict. 

Typical behavior of someone with commitment fears and conflicts.

 

 

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Runninggirl]

@poppyfields I have no idea, never experienced a guy being like this before. And especially since we according to him weren't even dating almost. 

I will just continue to appear cool as a cucumber, and hope this is the last dig from him. 

NC was easier with other guys because they just left me alone, they didnt react in any way, just accepted whatever, and when Ive ran into them way later they were just nice and polite and cool. No drama

About the girl I thought he was seeing, Im just assuming based on I think they were on two dates as far as I know. I really hope it blows up for her as it did for me, so he can be left alone and realize that maybe he's the problem. He seem to have commitment issues

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

@poppyfields   I have no idea, never experienced a guy being like this before. And especially since we according to him weren't even dating almost. 

 

25 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

He seem to have commitment issues

@running, I have quite a bit of experience dealing with men with commitment fears/issues, I have dated a couple of men who actually admitted it later, saying their conflict is what caused all their crazy confusing behavior.   After a while they realized it was a pattern in their interactions with women and they sought help.

My brother also has extreme commitment issues and his behavior was/is very similar to your guy's.  I myself experienced these fears as well, both actively and passively.

There are many books written about it  - "Men Who Can't Love," was a best seller in its day, and "He's Scared/She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships" is one of my favorites as it refers to the fears both women and men experience and how they're drawn to each other.

Both these books are still in print and can be purchased on Amazon.com.  I would suggest reading them for better understanding so you're aware of the signs and what to look for next time, and the type of men to avoid.    They will also give you insight into your own behavior and reactions.

Knowledge is power.

Best thing to do is continue what you're doing and try to not pay him or what he's doing any mind.   NOT your problem.  Don't allow it to confuse you.

LIke others have said, no more allowing him any head space.

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I dont believe in blocking and deleting, I think it just makes me seem bitter and childish.

I disagree with this. Delete and blocking is as prudent as locking your car or house. Is locking your car/home childish because you have boundaries as to who can enter or not?

It's important who you do and don't give a window to your life to and allow to occupy your head space. He is not sending some sort of message. He may just be cleaning up his social media and getting rid of oversharing such as location etc.

Go through your social media and clean out the deadweight and unnecessary friends/followers. Use discretion in who you expose yourself to. Be carful about your content and who can see what.

Edited November 14, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I dont believe in blocking and deleting, I think it just makes me seem bitter and childish. As if Im trying to get a reaction.

No. 

It's you removing white noise from your life, and knowing where to draw a boundary for yourself. You are seeing why keeping him on your social media is doing to a disservice to yourself and causing you needless grief. 

I don't think he has commitment issues. I just think he wasn't that into you and met someone he was more interested in. That hurts, I realize, but it doesn't mean he has some kind of deeper problem. 

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I really hope it blows up for her as it did for me, so he can be left alone and realize that maybe he's the problem. He seem to have commitment issues

He obviously doesn't have commitment problems or he wouldn't have made her his gf.  He just wasn't interested in you that way.  That's no reason to wich him bad luck,  you knew what was happeniing.

[NuevoYorko]

I just looked back at your first post about this guy.

 You were not "official."   

You saw him once a week OR every other week.  

The point of this whole thread was his prioritizing his friends over you.  He was fine not seeing you for 2 weeks because he was busy gaming with his friends.  Then he started seeing someone else. 

As this thread has moved forward, it's morphed into something like he was your "boyfriend," things  were going so well, you felt "safe" with him, that it "seemed serious."

People are responding as if the guy "motioned you over" in the bar, which did not happen - it was his friend. 

You are rewriting history.   The things the guy said to you in line for drinks were mean, but he said them out of frustration.   As you described it, it WAS casual, and now you are talking to him as if he led you on and owed you something.

In reality, he saw you infrequently and was open with you that it depended on whether or not he was doing something with his friends.  

Thus, this thread.

Please let this fade behind you.  

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I just looked back at your first post about this guy.

 You were not "official."   

You saw him once a week OR every other week.  

The point of this whole thread was his prioritizing his friends over you.  He was fine not seeing you for 2 weeks because he was busy gaming with his friends.  Then he started seeing someone else. 

As this thread has moved forward, it's morphed into something like he was your "boyfriend," things  were going so well, you felt "safe" with him, that it "seemed serious."

People are responding as if the guy "motioned you over" in the bar, which did not happen - it was his friend. 

You are rewriting history.   The things the guy said to you in line for drinks were mean, but he said them out of frustration.   As you described it, it WAS casual, and now you are talking to him as if he led you on and owed you something.

In reality, he saw you infrequently and was open with you that it depended on whether or not he was doing something with his friends.  

Thus, this thread.

Please let this fade behind you.  

The original post was for a specific time period where I felt like he wasn't prioritzing me, I felt a change in the dynamic. I think the first post reflect poorly how things were prior to that. The first post was probably my intuition noticing he was pulling away. We were seeing each other much more before this. 

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

The original post was for a specific time period where I felt like he wasn't prioritzing me, I felt a change in the dynamic. I think the first post reflect poorly how things were prior to that. The first post was probably my intuition noticing he was pulling away. We were seeing each other much more before this. 

You posted it on September 10 and said you started seeing him in the beginning of July.  That adds up to 2 months of dating.  

 

On 9/10/2022 at 6:50 AM, Runninggirl said:

He hangs out with his guy friends every, or every other weekend.

You had at most 8 weekends included in the short time you dated the guy.  And this is how he spent most of them.

On 9/10/2022 at 6:50 AM, Runninggirl said:

He spends most of his free time at home gaming, or hanging out with his friends. He has told his mother about me, but I haven't officially met his family yet.

 

Again - not sounding like anything more than quite casual.

Read your first post, please.  You clearly say that his friends were "hoping he'd make it official."  So you weren't official.  And he was stil on Tinder.  

Please look at your relationship with this guy realistically.  

[Runninggirl]

10 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You posted it on September 10 and said you started seeing him in the beginning of July.  That adds up to 2 months of dating.  

 

You had at most 8 weekends included in the short time you dated the guy.  And this is how he spent most of them.

Again - not sounding like anything more than quite casual.

Read your first post, please.  You clearly say that his friends were "hoping he'd make it official."  So you weren't official.  And he was stil on Tinder.  

Please look at your relationship with this guy realistically.  

I meant to we started more seriously in july, I thought it was more a casual get to know each other--phase before that. The last time we met he called me his girlfriend. We talked every day for months, met regularly. I think its fair that I didnt assess it as something "casual". And I didnt think we were girlfriend and boyfriend, like they meant with official, but I definitely thought it was going somewhere and I previously pointed out to him very clearly that I only date exclusively. He also introduced me to a few friends, and his mother. He also once said in front of his friends a joke that referred to me being the future mother of his children. We also talked about holidays, where when I suggested a particular one he said "if you did that I would propose!!!", he also made a few statements about moving in to my apartment because he liked it so much.

When he said it was casual, I said "I didnt know you were a casual type of guy" and he responded angry that he wasn't just in it for the sex. I asked him what he was in it for, and he said "I met you because it was nice to do things together, watch movies, go out, play videogames".  

Im trying to look at it realistically, and I feel like the realistic is that he used to view it as dating, but as he slept with someone else he has made it up to just be a casual thing so he doesn't feel bad. He wants off scotch free. I believe he now believe that it was just casual. I was shocked when I saw him on tinder. if anything I just feel used, I definitely dont feel like I just didnt get the memo it was a casual thing. 

[Weezy1973]

39 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

. if anything I just feel used, I definitely dont feel like I just didnt get the memo it was a casual thing. 

Casual just means not exclusive and no commitment.It doesn’t necessarily just mean casual sex.  

I know when I was dating just because I was interested in someone didn’t mean we were automatically an item. We needed to get to know each other first and that takes time. Most of the time these things would end due to a lack of compatibility. Normal stuff. Didn’t mean I was using her or leading her on. He wasn’t using you regardless of you feeling used.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

When he said it was casual, I said "I didnt know you were a casual type of guy" 

It doesn't really matter whatever he wants to call it when it's already over, does it? Let him think whatever he wants, who cares? His opinion doesn't matter.

The key is to appropriately delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, contact lists, messaging apps and devices.

You also need to stop running into him, but if you do, don't get sucked into bickering about what you were etc. Just move along.

Be polite and very busy. You'll feel a lot better letting this go and not hanging on to him or arguments or "what were we?" conflicts. It actually doesn't matter what you were because you're no longer anything and therefore free of him.

Consider this a bullet dodged and your ticket to freedom to find someone more compatible.

Edited November 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I previously pointed out to him very clearly that I only date exclusively.

To say this is saying you have to be exclusive with a guy before you even go on a date.  It doesn't make sense.  People are rarely exclusive on a first date.  If you consider a date as a sign of exclusivity you should confirm thats what it means before the first date.  Don't assume so just because you've stated it in an earlier conversation.

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I said "I didnt know you were a casual type of guy" and he responded angry that he wasn't just in it for the sex. I asked him what he was in it for, and he said "I met you because it was nice to do things together, watch movies, go out, play videogames".

He's right he wasn't just in it for sex as he considered you a casual friend from his description above.  Why did you continue to have sex with him without clarifying what your relationship status was?  It's not fair to accuse him of using you when you wanted sex with him.  I didn't see where he actually asked you to be his gf, you just assumed you were heading in that direction.  Then he met the other girl and made her his gf.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He also once said in front of his friends a joke that referred to me being the future mother of his children. We also talked about holidays, where when I suggested a particular one he said "if you did that I would propose!!!", he also made a few statements about moving in to my apartment

Take this with a grain of a salt in the early stages of dating. 

Sometimes people get carried away with the fantasy but they don't necessarily mean it. It's too early to take that sort of talk seriously. It might be nice to hear but it usually doesn't mean much when you're still getting to know each other. 

[introverted1]

On 9/10/2022 at 9:50 AM, Runninggirl said:

Ive been dating this guy since the start of july, and he seem very sweet and nice. He spends most of his free time at home gaming, or hanging out with his friends. He has told his mother about me, but I haven't officially met his family yet.

He hangs out with his guy friends every, or every other weekend.

This is from your OP.  It's pretty clear that this was, indeed, casual.  Especially since the rest of your OP is about you inviting him to do something on a Saturday and he responded that he was going to hang out with his friends but could maybe stop by later. 

Nothing you wrote suggests a deep emotional connection.  Best to stop fixating on what could have been and start accepting what is, and move on.

[glows]

Block and delete his contact. It’s time to move on. 

Even if he changed from interested in a relationship to casual he is certainly not interested now.

Keeping him in your orbit is about you still needing to control the situation and wanting to keep tabs on him. It has nothing to do with being mature/not childish about the situation. 

You have to learn to walk away from individuals who show you they aren’t meant to be in your life.

Edited November 16, 2022 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

Ok, well, you completely rewrote the trajectory of your short period of dating this guy between your original post on this thread and this most recent one, including some outright contradictions (you hadn't met his family, to you had met his mother -it's either one or the other; no grey areas there).

There's no way of telling whether you are interested in spinning a yarn here on LS for us to engage with, or you legitimately have told yourself a very different story about what went on than what did.

Assuming that you aren't messing around with us, I would like to point out to you that a "casual relationship" doesn't just refer to sex.  It means that people get together when it is convenient and suits both people.  If they both feel like having sex, they do.  As you describe this "situationship" I would classify it as  this.  He's a person that was in some way present in your life and when he wanted to change it up from gaming and hanging out with his friends, he'd hit you up.  Pretty much what we call "FWB,"  as evidently he's part of a group of people you've known socially for a while (you wrote this at one point - I'm not going back to look for quotes).   

According to your version you told him you "don't do casual" but in fact you DID "do casual" because ... you described a casual relationship.

I'm not surprised that you're freaking the guy out when you meet in public and he's unpleasant towards you.  

Block him and do not go over to him or his group of friends when you see them.  If the friends want to interact with you they can come over to you.  

 

Edited November 16, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Runninggirl]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

To say this is saying you have to be exclusive with a guy before you even go on a date.  It doesn't make sense.  People are rarely exclusive on a first date.  If you consider a date as a sign of exclusivity you should confirm thats what it means before the first date.  Don't assume so just because you've stated it in an earlier conversation.

 

Just to clarify I didnt say that from the start obviously. We went out a few times, started seeing each other more and more, and had some more "serious" talk every now and then, but not planned, just chatting when walking or in bed or on the couch, and he asked a question where it was natural for me to reply and say that if Im dating someone and we're sleeping together I dont sleep with other people, and I think I stated "I wouldn't go behind that persons back, I would end that first". And he actually said he really liked that about me. He made a few statements that suggested that OF COURSE he wouldn't either. I also said I wouldn't continue to date someone if they were out looking for someone else. I felt very safe that we were in fact dating exclusively. If he wanted to that of course that's his right, but I feel betrayed that when I expressed this boundary, he didnt respect that, he kept seeing me both on "dates" and also sleeping with me regularly.

I didnt think I was his girlfriend, but what hurt me and surprised me was how he made it out to be that we weren't even dating and had never. Which I think is delusional on his part, and just justification to not feel as if he did something wrong. 

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Ok, well, you completely rewrote the trajectory of your short period of dating this guy between your original post on this thread and this most recent one, including some outright contradictions (you hadn't met his family, to you had met his mother -it's either one or the other; no grey areas there).

 

No, but I didnt write the whole story in the OP, the OP was just about one specific problem that I was sensing in that moment, I didnt expect that to actually be the end of the relationship, I didnt describe the whole "relationship" with him. I wasn't formally introduced to his family, but I met his mother once. I also tried to keep the details short so it wouldn't be recognizable for him or any friends of his, if they happen to be here. 

A situationship is fine, but I feel like I made it clear enough to him that I wasn't looking for anything casual, my expectations, and also the contact developed to a point where I feel like he should have said something and not continued if he wasn't looking for the same. And certainly not pretend he didnt do all the things he did after. Like he said we only "met a few times", but we met many many times, and also talked endlessly every day for months, up until the last few weeks where he was more distant. 

Im just disappointed and confused. I have obviously not contacted him at all since our last conversation, and Im not planning to, Im moving on, but its just a process. And it doesn't feel linear, some days I feel like s***, some days I feel fine and like I dodged a bullet. 

 

[Weezy1973]

On 11/16/2022 at 11:28 AM, Runninggirl said:

I feel like he should have said something and not continued if he wasn't looking for the same.

He may have been looking for the same but after getting to know you better found the two of you weren’t compatible so lost interest. This happened to me all the time. I’m a relationship guy, but the vast majority of women I met and dated were not compatible in a way that would work in a relationship. Just because I’m relationship oriented doesn’t mean I jump right into a serious exclusive relationship right from the hop just because I find someone attractive. That’s a ridiculous way of doing things and a surefire way to create false attachment to a veritable stranger. A common theme in the various threads on here…

[stillafool]

On 11/16/2022 at 2:28 PM, Runninggirl said:

We went out a few times, started seeing each other more and more, and had some more "serious" talk every now and then, but not planned, just chatting when walking or in bed or on the couch,

So he didn't ask you to be his gf before you had sex with him but you had sex anyway.  He didn't use you, you had sex with him because you wanted to whether you were his gf or not.  He never asked you to be his gf and you guys were never in a relationship.  Now he's in a relationship and the proper thing for you to do is to stay away from him.