burt Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Among my other problems with my marriage is the lack of sexual intimacy. We do it about 1 time a week if that, She knows I love to receive oral and used to give it to me regularly when we were dating. Now that the ring is on the finger I am lucky to get a good hummer 1 time a year. I am up for anything in the bedroom, but she is always tired and most of the sex we have is in the mornings, which is not bad, but I prefer the evening when there is no morning breath or pajamas involved...
JadeStar Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I read your other post as well, and yes sounds like some issues thats going on that needs to be addressed. Have you told her how you feel about the "oral" aspect of things you want? I think it all boils down to what you both want. If you and her both feel this is a fixable situation then I would suggest some marraige counseling. If both of you or even just one of you is not willing to put forth the effort because you feel its not fixable then maybe not being together is in order. But please understand I'm only saying that if you all have tried everything there is to try or if one just simply doesn't want to work on things. It can't be one sided. Jade
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 She wants to go to marriage counciling, but I do not. I tried going to a councilor for my issues after I was Diagnosed with depression, I stopped going because I was not getting anything out of it. I honestly believe that the only reason I am depressed is because of having to live where I live for her. She seems to be fine with the idea of me being on anti depressants as long as it does not affect her career.
JadeStar Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Ok well are you saying you have given up? If you feel that counseling for you the first go around didn't do anything for you, doesn't mean that it might not another time. I see you went for individual counseling and thats great, but whats the harm in marriage counseling with her? I think if you feel you have made up in your mind you don't want to work on things then yeah maybe you need to move on. Sorry just trying to understand. Sounds like maybe you're at your wits end. I guess the real question is do you want to save/work on your marriage or are you ready to get out of the situation? Jade
Outcast Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Get your butt to a counsellor. And don't think that the issues in your marriage are exclusive of the sex; they are all tied in together. Trying to wish them away won't work. Ignoring them won't work. Seeing a professional will.
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 I would see a professional but that would be giving in to her ways once again. She basically has had her way since moving to the new town. I am tired of thinking that there is something wrong with me, when I was fine before the marriage. It is wearing me out man...
Outcast Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Well if all you're going to do is battle each other in a power struggle, all's lost. You're being pigheaded - this is called 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. It's just plain not smart.
a4a Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Hey Burt whats the deal? Your wife is working and going to school and she is tired.(did I read that correctly?)...well I wonder why? She is attempting to save your marriage by getting help and you are ranting about oral sex? Sorry but I don't know you or know how awful you have it but from your postings it seems kind of selfish on your part. You say your wife is the bread winner......so guessing the financial responsibility falls on her shoulders.....regardless if you want it that way or not, it is now. Maybe her lack of respect and lack of giving you sex is because she needs a break and is worried to death about things, not just about where she is living and missing her family and friends. If she is seeking help for your marriage she must be stressed out about that too. Your reply to her is NO? Well I would lose respect for you too if you were not willing to do your part to save a marriage by seeking help together. I would not want to have sex with you either. Maybe you have a bit of anger lurking over her success? Don't blame this all on moving, don't blame this all on her...... go get the help she is offering....you may not get another chance. If it does not pan out well at least you know how not to screw up the next relationship you may get into after seeing a MC. a4a
RainyDayWoman Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I would see a professional but that would be giving in to her ways once again. She basically has had her way since moving to the new town. I am tired of thinking that there is something wrong with me, when I was fine before the marriage. It is wearing me out man... this kind of attitude is exactly why you can't get any. you won't "give in to her" by going to counseling, but you want more blow jobs? sounds like a little give and take would work here, and being immature and stubborn means there is something wrong with you--it means realizing you're married and you need to grow up.
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 I respect your comment, She is not the sole breadwinner I am employed. She chose to go to school and I support her, I am not perfect and do not blame her for anything. I chose to move with her and so here I am. We are a team and I want her to be successful I thought that was how marriage worked. But since we've been married, a majority our lives have been based around her work. We are 32 not 50 I think the sex and oral should not drop off like it has in 5 years. I have discussed this with her before and it always ends up going back to the same ole routine.
Outcast Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 We are a team BS. Team members don't say that would be giving in to her ways once again. Team members understand they have to work together to solve a problem and don't begrudge one another credit for coming up with solutions. You're not a team; you're a two-person power struggle.
JadeStar Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 BS. Team members don't say . Team members understand they have to work together to solve a problem and don't begrudge one another credit for coming up with solutions. You're not a team; you're a two-person power struggle. I agree with this. You say all this in your post here, but earlier in your other posts it came across as you NOT being a team member. You're not even willing to go to counseling with her. Maybe her not wanting to be as sexual with you is exactly what Rainyday said, you wont go to counseling with her but yet you still expect things to be great in the bedroom department. It usually doesn't work that way. Also, if you do decide to go to counseling, DO NOT go just because she wants you too, or just to shut her up. Go because YOU want to help work on things for youself and for the both of you. Jade
Scott S Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I am up for anything in the bedroom, but she is always tired and most of the sex we have is in the mornings, which is not bad, but I prefer the evening when there is no morning breath or pajamas involved... Perhaps there are some ways to reach out that you hadn't considered. You prefer the evenings, you say? Suppose it was early evening, about 7-ish, instead of right at bedtime? Yes, I realize you have issues beyond this. But any way to start re-connecting is a very good thing.
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 I understand, I guess I will have to compromise even more than I already am in hopes that it will get better. I will concider marriage counciling, maybe we can find one that can help.
JadeStar Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Yippee!!! Good for you burt, hope all works out! Jade
Scott S Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I understand, I guess I will have to compromise even more than I already am in hopes that it will get better. I will concider marriage counciling, maybe we can find one that can help. Good for you. Rather, good for the both of you. Relationships are all about compromise. I would be willing to bet that she makes compromises that you are not even aware of. I think you have great subject matter for some communications exercises.
lust4life Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 The top 3 reasons men cheat all relate to sex. However sex is not usually the motivating factor for cheating wives. The top 3 reasons women cheat relate to unmet emotional needs or a desire for attention. Listed below are the most common reasons cheating husbands and cheating wives use to justify their extramarital affairs: Why Men Cheat The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include • more sex (the desire for a more active sex life) • sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex) • opportunistic sex ( taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught) • to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female) • a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat) • the “thrill of the chase” • the desire to feel important or special • sexual addiction Why Women Cheat The reasons most frequently cited for female infidelity include • a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy (someone caring to confide in and bond with on an emotional level) • a desire for attention (wanting be the center of a man’s attention again) • to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman) • to re-experience feelings of romance • a desire to feel “special” • boredom • loneliness • sexual excitement Men Cheat for Sexual Reasons, Women Cheat for Emotional Reasons
lust4life Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 differently since being married also. Add some of that dating fun back into your marriage. Get a sitter and tell her not to come home from work and meet her OUT right after work, then get a little crazy in one of the cars or get a room. Make your marriage about the two of you!! Date your wife. Also, be blunt and tell her you are feeling neglected. Try the dating first though!
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 hmm, Sex is important especially when you are younger, the problem is what do you do when you wife acts like she is 50 when she is only 32? What would you say is an average sex life for a 32 year old?
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 I have been blunt with her, She has almost got me to the point where I don't even think about it most of the time.
lust4life Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 You need to get going buddy and start learning how to seduce your wife! Make her want you. Hey, give me a sec, I saw a book about that today! Womens sexual peak is late 30s early 40s. Hey, get some toys too!
lilmoma1973 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I have to agree with the other posters you have to go to counselor in order to work on your marriage and if you aren't willing you might as well say you are through!!! I think you want this to work or you wouldn't be making a post about your situation or that you are just confused and don't know what to do... Please reconsider counseling it could save your marriage and help you work through your issues within your marriage.. Good luck
Author burt Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Toys? right I have tried that, didnt work. I am up for anything but she is not. Seduction is not the problem, her lack of energy is. I am willing to learn stuff if that was the problem but according to her it is not. It's simply the fact that she is tired and for the most part lazy. She went from victoria secrets to sporty hanes for cryin out loud, what's next granny panties?
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