Making a choice between 2 ladies

[way_lander]

My ex and I, we've been together for about 6  years. We recently broke up due to me having [messed] up, getting into a relationship with one of my colleague/subordinate.

My colleague has been working with me for the last 9 years. In that time, she has grown to be my a pillar of the team I lead, and my motivation for going to work. We're very good friends, very good working partners and we spend alot of time together, hence the feelings developed. She is loyal to me, supports me in every way, and I can talk to her about anything. It just feels very comfortable with her. Only thing is she didn't know that I had a girlfriend, and I didn't tell her when we started developing feelings. 

My ex, after the affair came to light, broke up with me. But it wasn't a clean cut between us. She still wants the relationship to work, shes responding to my advances the last few weeks. My ex is also a fantastic lady. Capable in her own rights, and also supportive in every way. We have good chemistry, good and bad times together. Last few years the interaction wasn't as good, largely due to me pulling away. I have an avoidant issue, if you know about this.

Because of this big bust up, my mental state was very bad the last few months. I hurt 2 wonderful girls, created trouble in my workplace. And yet both of them are still willing to take me back. I've been back and forth on this and its not doing anyone any good.

The last 1 month i made a decision. I wanted to get my ex back. So I told my colleague, broke her heart, and transferred her out of my team to another team. I spent the the last few weeks trying to get my ex back and shes opening up to me. All these while, my mental state is still bad. One is handling the loss of my colleague in my life forever, and another is I'm handling being ousted by my partners out of the company due to the commotion created. 

Naively, I thought that me and my ex can get back smoothly together and be happy ever after. But things are still very tense between us. I'm still handling the work of my colleague, which cannot be delegated away for another few months, and that interaction is making my ex uncomfortable, and is a stark reminder everyday to me that I'll soon be losing my colleague/partner forever soon, and that is unbearable. And the worst thing is I can't tell my ex about this, I have to bear this alone. I totally understand why she cannot support me in this, but I just dunno if I can handle this alone for long, if I will cause the relationship to fail again because of this.

Also, we had a talk recently and she posed to me the questions, "Why should she trust me again? Why should she accept me back again. What am I going to do about it. Are we wasting each other's time? Are you sure you want me?" And I can't answer any of the questions.

I miss my colleague alot, and I know that if we get together she will be a very good partner as well. But I know that I will miss my ex alot, exact same scenario as above. The thought of my ex going out with other guys, doing the things that I did with her, just kills me and I can't bear to let go of her. 

1. How do I know I am holding on to my ex because of jealousy? or because of love? 

2. If i get back with my ex, I will lose my colleague forever in my life. And honestly, without her around in my team, I don't think I can have the motivation to really grow the team. I have never liked my job very much, but I have to stay on for practical reasons. I'm self employed by the way. Its not that without her, things cannot get done.Its more of without her, I don't feel like theres much purpose in work. 

3. How do I make a choice? Either choice will hurt another person very badly and I hate that I have to do it. I know some of you will say stay away from both. I know I'm an a**h***. But selfishly, I am in love with both of them. 

I am leaning towards my ex, but i know with that mentality and my state of mind, i think we can't last. My colleague is much more accepting and supportive, but it seems right that I should go back to my ex. Is it possible to love 2 person? Please help, I am really going crazy. 

 

 

 

Edited September 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

I say go with your colleague you cheated on your ex for.  You will only end up cheating again on the ex and again breaking her heart.  Look, there is no easy way out you will just have to make a choice.  You sound like you need your colleague more than your ex.  You are just used to your ex and don't want to let her go so she can find someone who won't cheat on her and make her happier.  She deserves that.  Let her go.

[smackie9]

Before you make any decisions go over the reasons why you went astray. And then ask yourself why you want to be with your ex. Then ask yourself where you see yourself in 5 years...married? with children? Nothing is going to be a smooth transition. You both need couples counseling because you both have unresolved feels about what happened. You can't expect in anyway for this to just be all sunshine and rainbows....it take work/communication/empathy/and compromise to make it work. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, way_lander said:

My ex, after the affair came to light, broke up with me.. So I told my colleague, broke her heart, and transferred her out of my team to another team.

3. How do I make a choice?

It sounds like choices are being made for you. Your ex left and your colleague lost interest due to your playing them. Beware of sexual harassment if you transferred her around for your convenience. In summary, you don't have a choice between two ladies, you have no ladies because you hurt them both.

Edited September 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Clarity1]

Both women are going to struggle to 100% trust you moving forward because of how you treated them. So you need to think to yourself, which one are you willing to put in the work to REALLY make it worth it? It's going to take a lot for either one to move forward with you. Yes, they've advised they'd want to get back with you, but with that comes the questions, doubt, and insecurity. 

You really need to go introspective and understand why you're attached to either one and why you were compelled to play both of them. If you have an avoidant attachment style, your ex is probably 'comfortable' for you. You've been together for 6 years, you made it work before this situation. You know each other. 

With the colleague, are you attached to her because she makes work more bearable for you, or do you have legit feelings for her? Would you connect with her if she was a stranger in a coffee shop for example? 

In my opinion, before you even consider going back to one of them, you need to understand yourself and why you acted the way you did.

 

[Alpacalia]

Neither, I say.

Their life force has been drained as you trap them in a state of entrapment. This act is not romantic, touching, or sexy in any way. Instead, it is deeply unethical and punishing, unfair, and harmful.

Even if you use the excuse of choosing between two women, it isn't about choosing the perfect person, but rather about finding the right one for you. It is the definition of real-life romance when you care so deeply about someone that you are inconvenienced, taxed, bored, pulled across hot coals once in a while, and even grossed out a little bit.

Milking two trapped animals at once is what you are doing in this case.

When it hits the fan, you'll feel like you're flaying them alive.

It’s not going to feel good.

[Calmandfocused]

Can we be real here for a moment Op? 

Your colleague is actually your subordinate. You violated your position of professional authority. 
 

However instead of actually thinking about her and doing the right thing ( which would have been to resign) she has to be “punished” by moving departments? 
 

You lie to her, turn her life completely upside down, she suffers the consequences, and yet the only person you feel sorry for is yourself. 
 

You have 0 empathy for either women which means you do not care for either of them, and therefore you shouldn’t be with either. 
 

My advice: accept responsibility and do the right thing by letting them both go. Why either of them still want you is unfathomable to me but you actually have a chance here to put both their needs first which is what they deserve.