No longer dating 'my type'

[HazelBliss]

It's clearly not not working out for me and it took all these years to realize that.. going after the same type of man with the same results. These relationships would always start off on a high and then fizzle quickly. These SPARKS that occur in the beginning aren't always genuine and I see that now at my soon to be old age of 37. I am choosing to build with someone and grow with them.. someone I wouldn't usually go for and it has been beautiful so far and a learning experience so even if we don't work out, its not going to be because I sacrificed my sanity or peace for a "type"..

[Gaeta]

When you say 'a type' do you mean a physical type or character type?

I spent the last year dating men I was not attracted to in the hope I'd finally find someone with more substance and I would over time develop feelings for them. I'll save you the time and effort, it doesn't work. I have dated men up to 3-4 months hoping I'd get into them and I didn't. I think you are way too young to settle. I am 56 and settling didn't work for me, how could you possibly consider spending a life of 'no sparks' just to be with someone. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am 56 and settling didn't work for me, how could you possibly consider spending a life of 'no sparks' just to be with someone. 

You’ve stated many times that you weren’t particularly attracted to your ex on first meet. You gave him a chance and your attraction grew. He wasn’t your type initially, but now you consider him “the love of your life”. 
 

OP are you attracted to this man now, even if he wasn’t your type initially? 

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You’ve stated many times that you weren’t particularly attracted to your ex on first meet. You gave him a chance and your attraction grew. He wasn’t your type initially, but now you consider him “the love of your life”. 

Yes but attraction grew each time l saw him. By date 3-4 l was into him. I thought l could repeat that but discovered if it does not grow a little each time then it won't suddenly grow after 2 months. You will grow used to their attention, used to their presence, you will 'care' for their wellbeing but you won't fall in love, and that little spot in your heart will remain empty and that's dangerous.

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes but attraction grew each time l saw him. By date 3-4 l was into him.

Yes, that makes sense. But still not your type on the first date. If you never gave a man that wasn’t your type a chance, you never would have fallen for him. Definitely agree though if there’s still nothing there after three or four dates, it’s not going to happen. 

[Alpacalia]

That's great OP.

Slow can be an asset.

It is important that you actually like the person.

There is no point in wasting anyone's time just for the sake of attention, loneliness or trying to make something work.

[HazelBliss]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When you say 'a type' do you mean a physical type or character type?

I spent the last year dating men I was not attracted to in the hope I'd finally find someone with more substance and I would over time develop feelings for them. I'll save you the time and effort, it doesn't work. I have dated men up to 3-4 months hoping I'd get into them and I didn't. I think you are way too young to settle. I am 56 and settling didn't work for me, how could you possibly consider spending a life of 'no sparks' just to be with someone. 

I meant physically and I think you misunderstood the whole sparks remark. In reality, "sparks" aren't always instant. I felt initial sparks with all my types and the relationships were short lived as it was only based on sexual chemistry. There's more to a relationship than that. Sparks can certainly happen over time IMO from my experience. 

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

OP are you attracted to this man now, even if he wasn’t your type initially? 

He's handsome for sure I just never been with a beefy muscular man before, usually they're slim and lean.. but I'm appreciating his body more and more now as I feel protected and safe.. and SMALL lol. Im usually bigger than the men. But he is a gentleman.. and caring.. for right now lol and Im loving the experience. No red flags yet, nothing!. My "type" had all kinds of red flags and I'd still run with it until I couldn't.. its foolish. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You will grow used to their attention, used to their presence, you will 'care' for their wellbeing but you won't fall in love, and that little spot in your heart will remain empty and that's dangerous.

It's very dangerous because sooner or later your type will show up again and it can bother your mind so much that it put's your relationship in jeopardy.  You realize what you've been missing and those feelings are powerful.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He's handsome for sure I just never been with a beefy muscular man before, usually they're slim and lean.. but I'm appreciating his body more and more now as I feel protected and safe.. and SMALL lol. Im usually bigger than the men. But he is a gentleman.. and caring.. for right now lol and Im loving the experience. No red flags yet, nothing!. My "type" had all kinds of red flags and I'd still run with it until I couldn't.. its foolish. 

Beefy and muscular. hehe.

My first boyfriend was beefy and muscular (well, he had to be because he was in law enforcement) but he was a gem.

Enjoy the beefy! lol

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He's handsome for sure I just never been with a beefy muscular man before, usually they're slim and lean..

Yeah I've always been more into slim, lean guys too.  I like runner's bodies.

[HazelBliss]

55 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Beefy and muscular. hehe.

My first boyfriend was beefy and muscular (well, he had to be because he was in law enforcement) but he was a gem.

Enjoy the beefy! lol

Thats cool!! I sure am!!!!!!!!!!!! whewwwww lol

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

 I am choosing to build with someone and grow with them.. someone I wouldn't usually go for and it has been beautiful so far .

That's great! Good luck in this endeavor. An open mind opens up so many viable possibilities. 

[HazelBliss]

On 9/6/2022 at 5:59 AM, Wiseman2 said:

That's great! Good luck in this endeavor. An open mind opens up so many viable possibilities. 

Thank you!!! I don't think I am settling at all.. just going with what I am not used to I guess.. and it has been a wonderful experience SO FAR.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

and it has been a wonderful experience SO FAR.

Hip hip hurrah! Yay! 

 

[HazelBliss]

On 9/6/2022 at 5:59 AM, Wiseman2 said:

That's great! Good luck in this endeavor. An open mind opens up so many viable possibilities. 

Question, I might be overanalyzing.. but this evening we had our usual conversation and he stated "You're mine."... so I'm laughing not thinking anything of it and he asks "are you all mine?" and I told him hell yea.. so what does this mean? I need some help here as I don't want to screw anything up assuming things! lol

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

 he asks "are you all mine?" and I told him hell yea.. 

Does he want to be exclusive? Seems like a variation of that conversation.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

Question, I might be overanalyzing.. but this evening we had our usual conversation and he stated "You're mine."... so I'm laughing not thinking anything of it and he asks "are you all mine?" and I told him hell yea.. so what does this mean? I need some help here as I don't want to screw anything up assuming things! lol

It sounds as though he is expressing his desire to be with you exclusively.

It's a playful way to let you know you are his and that his romantic attention is on you.

He’s referring to your singularity in his eyes.

The intent was to find out if you felt the same way.

Try to just enjoy it for what it is if everything else seems to be going well. 

 

[HazelBliss]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he want to be exclusive? Seems like a variation of that conversation.

I’m assuming yes? He’s made it clear a few weeks ago that he wasn’t dating or sleeping with anyone else. Men don’t seem to “ask” to be a woman’s boyfriend anymore..it just happens randomly so I thought it was that moment but I won’t get too ahead of myself!

[HazelBliss]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It sounds as though he is expressing his desire to be with you exclusively.

It's a playful way to let you know you are his and that his romantic attention is on you.

He’s referring to your singularity in his eyes.

The intent was to find out if you felt the same way.

Try to just enjoy it for what it is if everything else seems to be going well. 

 

Good observation.. I automatically thought I was his girlfriend now.. YIKES!! LOL. Thanks for the reply.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Good observation.. I automatically thought I was his girlfriend now.. YIKES!! LOL. Thanks for the reply.

I'm glad to help.

It ought to be noted that "boyfriend/girlfriend" and "exclusive" can have a difference depending on the individual.

These two terms are sometimes used interchangeably but aren't necessarily the same.

For some, exclusive dating does not mean that this person is your boyfriend or girlfriend.

It's never a bad idea to talk about your definition if you're unsure.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[HazelBliss]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm glad to help.

It's never a bad idea to talk about your definition if you're unsure.

When is the best time? I don’t want him to feel pressured 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I’m assuming yes? He’s made it clear a few weeks ago that he wasn’t dating or sleeping with anyone else. Men don’t seem to “ask” to be a woman’s boyfriend anymore..it just happens randomly so I thought it was that moment but I won’t get too ahead of myself!

That's great. He wants to see and only you, so having a 'Define The Relationship' is unnecessary at this point. Let it grow, unfold and evolve naturally.

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

When is the best time? I don’t want him to feel pressured 

My relationships did not include discussions about the subject.

Then again, if I were to say, "hey honey, are you my boyfriend?"? He would say, "yes honey, of course!"

The fact that he brought up dating exclusively indicates that he thinks you're special to him. Sounds like you're in a good place!

I only mentioned it because dating cultures vary.

The topic of exclusivity, commitment, and future talk is generally avoided by men if they feel uncomfortable.

 

 

[Gaeta]

I agree with wiseman2. He's told you he's not dating anyone else, he teases you with things like 'you're mine', the relationship is already defined to me. If you leave it that way soon he'll make bolder gesture like ntroducing you as his girlfriend.