I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Libby1]

You guys hit the nail on the head.

 

All the sexual things you mentioned are things he talked to the 11 yr ow about - except for anal sex and threesomes. And she acted as if she was so into them. I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve read where he’s just so thrilled that she “swallowed” and wanted “every drop of him”.

 

I will never lower myself to her level.

 

I wouldn't say that a woman is lowering herself if she actually enjoys the act in question. But I do think that if you were to attempt to mimic this woman (in her participation and her enthusiasm) when you're really not feeling it - and in an effort to score points with a man who has betrayed you pretty abysmally, then that would definitely constitute lowering yourself.

 

It seems as though you had a deal (unspoken, maybe, but understood) with your husband whereby because he's good looking and you feel lucky to get married to a guy like that, he had a pass to cheat sexually on you so long as he didn't get too attached to any of the women. It's hard to imagine how anybody could feel happy and secure in a marriage which has that sort of unwritten understanding.

 

I suppose that perhaps you feel it's a realistic outlook to have. A lot of men do cheat, and the more opportunity they get to cheat obviously the higher the likelihood of them doing so gets. Nevertheless, by having this implicit understanding with him, you set a very low standard for your marriage. And you've discovered that for the past 10 years at least, he has happily flouted that very low standard you set. No wonder you feel like crap. Investing so much time and energy into tracking the behaviour and trying to analyse the thoughts of a husband who has demonstrated that level of indifference to the marriage can only send you spiralling ever lower down.

 

I really sympathise, because a friend of mine is in a somewhat similar place. She's a very smart, lovely woman...but this situation has altered her in all sorts of ways. I and her other friends can only watch in dismay as the situation grows ever worse. She searches and latches on to the tiniest indicators that her husband cares for her and has any sort of commitment to the marriage, when it's blatantly obvious to everybody who cares about her that what she should actually be doing is consulting a lawyer and putting her energy into trying to get as quick and clean a divorce as possible for this man so that she can get on with the rest of her life.

 

I wish she would do it, and I wish you would do it also. It's always terrible when somebody drives themselves into a state of feeling worthless and anxiety ridden as a result of persevering in a relationship that will only ever bring them unhappiness.

[edith]

I’m right in between meetings - yes, on a Friday - but I’d like to redirect this thread toward my husband’s possible emotional involvement. So many wonderful insights, but none concerning whether he has feelings for this specific woman.

 

In other news, I meet with an attorney next week!

[lana-banana]

Is that a joke? Yes, he's emotionally attached to her. Without a doubt.

 

Good luck with your meeting.

[stillafool]

I’m right in between meetings - yes, on a Friday - but I’d like to redirect this thread toward my husband’s possible emotional involvement. So many wonderful insights, but none concerning whether he has feelings for this specific woman.

 

In other news, I meet with an attorney next week!

 

I think you should print out this thread and show it to your therapist. She should be able to give you insight whether he is having emotional involvement with his OW.

 

Why are you meeting with an attorney?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I’d like to redirect this thread toward my husband’s possible emotional involvement. So many wonderful insights, but none concerning whether he has feelings for this specific woman.

 

Yes, he has feelings for this woman!

[edith]

I’ve met with an attorney even though there hasn’t been any further communication between my husband and the ow. It is as I suspected - the business structure would have to change substantially in order for the divorce to be even close to going smoothly; I would have to convince my husband to change the ownership structure without arousing suspicion, which would be close to impossible, and entering divorce procedures with the way things are now would result in a very long process before a judge and both of us would exit the marriage in a much worse financial condition than we have now.

 

I continue to track him. He is seeing one other woman, and contact even with that one has been sporadic at best. I’ve been able to see the 11 yr ow’s Facebook through his, and last week she posted something like “Complete silence is the best solution “, and he went to her profile 3 times that day according to his activity log. Then yesterday, she posted that she would like to be one of those people who do whatever they feel like doing, because she always needs to do the right thing or her “conscience” won’t let her have any peace... My husband went to her profile 5 times yesterday. I wish I could see how much time he spends looking at it, but FB doesn’t give you that capability.

 

My gut tells me he’s staying away from her to prove that cheating on me is hard for him - then she will see him as “a good man”. Even though they’re not together, he’s still thinking about her. And from her posts, she’s doing the same. She is also moving away to a neighboring state 3 hours away next year! So this could be the chance that they will no longer be together and all of this will be over. There’s no way that he will want her if she moves away. My feelings right now are all about relief - he’s staying away from her, she’s staying away from him. I still check but try to set aside the feeling that his absence is calculated. He’s trying to achieve something even worse by not going after her - does this sound plausible?

[stillafool]

Edith, no one said divorce is easy. You don't know what your husband will do and say about a divorce until you sit down, tell him what you know and ask him for the divorce. He may surprise you. How is therapy going?

[BaileyB]

entering divorce procedures with the way things are now would result in a very long process before a judge and both of us would exit the marriage in a much worse financial condition than we have now.

 

My best friend’s mother divorced her husband when he cheated on her, while she was recovering from a stroke. They owned a business together - he bought her out of the business, and he pays spousal support. It was a long drawn out and very stressful court process, but it can be done. And, she is in a much happier and healthier place now.

 

It can be done - when it’s harder to stay than it is to leave, and you are clearly not there yet.

[edith]

How does she not allow it? She texted him “Thinking of you... I can’t talk but just wanted you to know” and he never replied. He’s the one staying away.

[edith]

I haven’t gone to a new counselor yet. I really didn’t get along with the one I had last time.

[stillafool]

What was wrong with that counselor? They told you to divorce your husband, huh?

[BaileyB]

What was wrong with that counselor? They told you to divorce your husband, huh?

 

Also my thought. I’m assuming that it will be difficult to get along with any counsellor who doesn’t support your preoccupation with this woman and your decision to stay in the marriage despite the numerous infidelities.

Edited November 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

Edith, besides your husband suddenly becoming completely faithful to you, what would be your ideal outcome in this situation? I know that a divorce would be drawn out and troublesome because of your business, but I wonder what would be best for YOU. I think staying in this situation, witnessing his every move with this woman, is going to continue to chip away at your sanity and self-esteem.

 

You didn't like your previous therapist. As a woman who has been to many therapists with her daughters and husbands over the years, sometimes you have to keep trying new therapists until you find one with whom you click (which is why I have been to so many.) My practice used to be to give them three sessions. If after three sessions I still wasn't feeling it (or my daughters were not feeling it), I would change. A good therapist understands that and WANTS you to be successful (and will even recommend a different therapist for you.)

[edith]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I agree about the therapist. I have all of these feelings about his infidelity and they go dormant once this one affair is on the back burner.

 

What I really want to know is if I have something to worry about in terms of him leaving or being in love with her. I hate him with all of my might when I imagine him having feelings for her, and forgive him when they’re not together. To look at this objectively, he hasn’t seen her in 6 years, and now they’re not even talking.

[BaileyB]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

Unreasonable? No. Unrealistic? Yes.

 

It’s not unreasonable to expect a husband to be faithful. A husband who has sex/feelings for another woman would not be acceptable to the majority of women.

 

Considering that your husband has been engaged with this woman for many years, and has had multiple affairs with other women, the thought that he is somehow magically going to drop her and become faithful to you is totally unrealistic.

 

And again, I will ask, why is your ideal outcome focused on his relationship with this other woman? Your ideal outcome is focused on something that you do not control. What we are all trying to say is that you will not possibly find happiness if your happiness is dependent on whether your chronically unfaithful husband ends his relationship with (any)other woman. You have no control over that, and it’s a terrible way to live your life.

Edited November 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[SolG]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I agree about the therapist. I have all of these feelings about his infidelity and they go dormant once this one affair is on the back burner.

 

What I really want to know is if I have something to worry about in terms of him leaving or being in love with her. I hate him with all of my might when I imagine him having feelings for her, and forgive him when they’re not together. To look at this objectively, he hasn’t seen her in 6 years, and now they’re not even talking.

 

Edith, If your H is the garden variety cheater - which from your posts it does seem likely - he's not going anywhere. He has you to provide a stable and respectable family home; and other women for extra fun, kicks, fantasy, whatever. Seriously, why would he give that all up? Sweet package for him by all accounts!

 

What fundamental difference does it actually make to you - in practical terms - who he loves? Lets assume he loves you in his own way... What if he loves this long-term OW as well? What if he loves his other shorter-term OW as well in a way? What if he loves everyone?! What if he loves some, or none?

 

Let's assume the most likely course of action here in that he is highly unlikely to be going anywhere regardless of his feelings for anyone else... Let's take him leaving off the table and ask what's the actual so what for you?

 

You hate him when you imagine him loving someone else. Seemingly even when that doesn't threaten your life as you know it, and your carefully crafted wilful ignorance. Why? What about him having other partners, as long as he doesn't care for them, is okay? Why is it not okay when he loves them, but the outcome for you is the same?

 

Let's get to the nub of your discontent. He's not leaving. And I think you know it. But there's something about him caring about someone else that does something to you emotionally. That's what you need to explore.

[Prudence V]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

He hasn’t looked for her... recently. As far as you can tell. But then, as you’ve reported elsewhere, he does go through periods of no contact, so this might just be one of those. It really isn’t something you have control over. You’re literally pinning your hopes to a whim - if the mood takes him to contact her, your heart will be smashed against the rocks again. Your hope only endures as long as he doesn’t leave any traces of contact with her.

 

Is that really how you want to live?

[Allupinnit]

To answer your question, no he's probably not in love with her. She most likely just presents a challenge that other women (including you), don't.

 

Your husband isn't going anywhere and you don't need to worry about busting up your family our your business. He likely wants to stay together for a lot of the same reasons that you do, but still have his fun on the side. Pretty cake sitch for him.

[Allupinnit]

P.S. this OW sounds totally lame when it comes to her social media posts LOL.

[ABernie]

He hasn’t looked for her... recently. As far as you can tell. But then, as you’ve reported elsewhere, he does go through periods of no contact, so this might just be one of those. It really isn’t something you have control over. You’re literally pinning your hopes to a whim - if the mood takes him to contact her, your heart will be smashed against the rocks again. Your hope only endures as long as he doesn’t leave any traces of contact with her.

 

My xMM would only use his work computer/phone to contact me after BW found out. He would ask me to come to his work or "forget" his phone at work to see me, because she was tracking him on Life360.

[edith]

I thought it was over. He reached out to the woman last night, after 7 weeks.

He asked how she’s been and she replied “It’s too late, Jack. I’m moving away. It will be better for me in the long run if I don’t see you again. After 12 years, our time has come and gone. I know what happened between us meant different things to both of us, but it would affect me too much if I saw you again. I wish you all the best.”

I can see the time stamp on the messages and it took him almost 10 minutes to reply. He wrote “Have a wonderful life. Enjoy that family of yours.” She wrote “You do the same.” He should have left it at that, but he wrote back “Will do. At least we will have the memories.” She wrote “Haha, you never give up. I know where this is going.”

Then now it gets weird. He just wrote back “Good night.” She wrote “Wow, I’m impressed. Good night, Jack.” He couldn’t leave it alone and said “Haha. You know me too well. I am so hard thinking of you.”

And off they go dirty talking. She keeps resisting setting up a date for them to meet, but he invites her to go to NY with him! He goes there for business once a week and stays overnight. He said she could go with him. I have never seen him do that in any other messages. He keeps telling her he wants “one more day”, then they can “move on”, and it would be “a proper goodbye”. He also wrote “I *need* to see you”.

He wrote these really detailed messages of everything he wants to do to her - at one point, he says “One more day together... But anything goes. Anything.” They’ve only had oral, her on him, and now he’s talking about going down on her and how much he wants “to taste her”, and she was going along with it. They were talking for 2 hours straight. Then he told her that he “jerks off thinking about her every day”. I was destroyed.  He hasn’t seen her in 6 years and this is what he feels.

I feel that this has now escalated. There’s no way that his plan is to see her just one last time - opinions? From what I’ve been able to piece together, she will be living 30 minutes away from us until next June, then move to another state 3 hours away. At one point she asked if he can wait for her to make up her mind because it’s a big decision, and he agrees. They left it with her asking him for time to think and him agreeing.

I read the messages this morning and I’m believing everyone in this forum who says he’s emotionally involved - he’s trying to escalate everything about their relationship- am I right? I haven’t gone back to see the attorney because I honestly thought he had dropped her after she blew him off twice in a row. You guys should have seen his messages to her. I am beyond hurt and in disbelief.

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[vla1120]

I am sorry that you are hurting. It looks like he is going to aggressively pursue her until she moves three states away. Even then, depending on where she moves, and his travel schedule, if he can get her to escalate their relationship before she leaves, he may continue to try to see her after she moves away. Based on what you said, that means he has until June to get as much time with her as he can. She does not seem to be able to resist talking to him. I wonder if she will be able to resist meeting with him one or more times. 

 

He has betrayed you so many times and on so many levels, I cannot understand why you stay. Of course, the choice is yours. I would have been long gone by now. I cannot remember whether you have ever confronted him about her, specifically. Do you think it would help you if you did confront him? You have to decide whether keeping your business intact is worth this anguish you're feeling right now. What good is the business if you are this hurt and unhappy with no end in sight?

[BaileyB]

He is emotionally involved with this other woman. What does that realization mean to you edith? What are you now going to do with that information?

[Prudence V]

On 12/9/2019 at 8:38 AM, edith said:

I thought it was over. He reached out to the woman last night, after 7 weeks.

<snip>

I am beyond hurt and in disbelief.

This is pretty much what everyone predicted. I’m sorry you’ve been left blindsided and hurt. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[edith]

What did I expect? I expected that after having her blow him off twice in a row, he would have dropped her, which he has done to other women.

She texted him yesterday afternoon saying “Hey, do you have a minute?” This was at 3:00 in the afternoon, and he didn’t reply until 9:30 at night, saying “Hey there - just seeing this now”. No reply from her... until this morning. Early, before we started working, she wrote “That’s ok. I didn’t want to text you in the middle of a workday, but I knew I was going to be busy last night.” Then she added “I just wanted to ask where you stay in NY in case I want to book a room.”

He replied right away “Ok. It varies from week to week but I’ll let you know when I book a room.” Then she replied asking if 1/22 would work for him, because she’ll have guests in her house until after New Year’s and it’s a busy time for her to take two days off in NY. They plan on spending the night together.

He replied that it works for him, and asked “Are you ready for this c**k?” He is so graphic with her. My heart drops every time I can see how intimate they are with each other, and they’ve never had sex. She replied “You don’t know how much I’m craving sex today. I wish you were here.” He replied “Haha”. She didn’t reply at all.

Now, knowing my husband, I know exactly what he meant. He’s upset that she pushes him to the end of January, but then says she wishes he were with her. And this is what upsets *me* most of all. He won’t argue with her, he’s passive aggressive. My husband is not the type to hold back. He could call her on her s**t and leave it at that, but he thinly conceals his anger. With other women, he just stops replying if they get clingy or if he doesn’t like something, it’s very clear to me that he is not engaged. With this one, he “feels” everything. And he cares about how she takes it.

I don’t know what will happen from now on. I’m still holding out hope that they won’t meet. She might just get sick of his antics and change her mind. At one point she asked if he wanted to spend the whole day together or one afternoon, he said “As long as you can”. If this really is goodbye for them, I can see how I can hold out a little longer.

What do you guys make of his behavior? Am I right to have this gut feeling that he treats her differently?

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed excessive formatting