I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[BaileyB]

edith, you really need to find yourself a another hobby.

 

In all seriousness, if you have decided to stay with this man then you really need to stop reading his every text message to these other women. It’s clearly not healthy for you. Whether his identity is wrapped up in this affair remains to be seen. What is very clear is that your identity is wrapped up in following every movement of your cheating husband and that is really sad...

 

Enough already. If you have decided to stay - regardless - let the man engage in whatever affairs he so choses and live your own life...

Edited October 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

Does this man do anything with you at all? Do you even stay in the same house?

[Allupinnit]

How does he have all this time for his numerous affairs?!

 

Don't you have a business and children?

 

How do you interact with one another? I'm curious how you both just tiptoe around each other with this huge elephant in the room - his cheating and you knowing about it but both pretending like everything is ok...? That's not a marriage it's a farce.

 

Are you intimate? Does it feel ok with him in that way knowing that he's sleeping with other women?

 

How are you able to read all of his messages? Usually men who cheat to this degree have a way of communicating under the radar. This seems way too easy.

[merrmeade]

Ditto all of the above on this page. There’s a lot that keeps us shaking our heads and rubbing our eyes in disbelief.

 

I just want to repeat what I still think is operational with the BH. It’s not about whether or not he’s more emotionally involved with the 11year ow. It’s because h can’t get her. It’s the mesmerizing sexual tension of her give and take, push and pull. He thinks he has her, then she slips out of reach. There’s enough tease and flattery with her burning desire that keeps coming back to “haunt” her. How can he resist those smoldering soap opera declarations?

 

But make no mistake. We’re talking about what keeps DESIRE alive, which is very different from “true love” or just love. Does anyone in this story care about that?

[merrmeade]

Edith,

I know you haven’t posted in a while , but I found some notes I took on a talk about male narcissists. The part about how they view marriage made me think of you. I think the insight could interesting though difficult for you to see if it applies.

 

A relationship with a narcissist is imbalanced. They lack empathy, cannot be loving, caring or sharing.

 

How The Narcissistic Male Views Marriage

 

1. Uses marriage as a tool of credibility

2. Shames others not married - bragging

3. Wife is property; later, children

4. Relationship imbalance increases after marriage: doesn't have to work for it any more

5. Easy for narcissist to cheat on wife because...

- Didn't marry out of love or admiration

- Married because she fit skill set needed for social role

- Unable to see spouse as a person

- Believes he’s done enough; therefore, gives himself to affair partners

[edith]

The reason I haven’t posted in a while is because I’ve been more and more convinced that he has feelings for this woman. I truly, deeply appreciate the thoughtful posts - Mermeade, thank you for the narcissist summary. That is my husband to a tee.

 

He has totally changed his behavior this week. I’ve been able to get a hold of his phone more easily than usual this week - my usual way of snooping, he’s pretty detached from it, which shows me he really doesn’t care that much about getting caught, and he never deletes anything; I’m also able to snoop on the desktop mote easily, but he uses apps more easily, which is why I’ve had to resort to looking at his phone -. So I’ll try to make this story short, I’m still able to see his activity log on Facebook and he’s still checking the woman’s profile, which I’ve also done, and over the weekend she posted about how great it is to be with a man she can trust, then in another posted and a picture of her husband captioned “He’s beyond reproach and he’s mine”, meaning he’s a moral man. Then my husband talked to the current mistress on Sunday, and there’s been very little communication between them since. He’s staying away from the app he uses with the 11 yr ow, where usually he used it to spend a couple hours a night chatting with the current mistress. I also went over chats with current mistress and it’s sex only - he stopped replying to her.

 

But he’s still going to the 11 yr ow’s FB daily. And to answer other questions, yes, we share the same house, he’s very active with the boys, we go out together, he blows off work continuously to reply to these women, but things get done, and I can’t tip my hand, so I pretend it doesn’t impact me. We are like roommates. Sometimes I ask for sex because I have hope that he will want me more than he wants others. But then I check his phone again, and nothing changes.

 

This week, I keep thinking of his remark to 11 yr ow that he understood why she was torn about meeting him, and that it wasn’t easy for him either. Could this be true? Maybe it is emotionally difficult for him to cheat on me? Or was he just trying to make her believe he’s a good man? This coupled with the change in his behavior this week has kept me distressed. That if this woman ever wants my husband, he would go to her.

[Artdeco]

I’m going to keep this short, because everything already has been said multiple times.

 

No - it is NOT emotionally difficult for him to cheat on you.

Yes - if this woman ever wants your husband, he would go to her.

BTW this doesn’t mean he would treat her any better than you after a few months/years of living together ........ however, I feel VERY sad for you.

[Londy]

I ask for sex because I have hope that he will want me more than he wants others.

 

 

Edith for that strategy to possibly work you've got to change it up. A LOT.

 

 

Get wild. Swallow. Offer up a threesome. Allow anal. Think outside the box. Watch porn moves for more ideas.

[BaileyB]

^^^ With respect, this is not going to change anything in your marriage. If anything, I would think it may cause you to lose whatever self respect you have left.

 

Furthermore, it would be unwise to engage in risk(ier) sex acts with your husband if he is having sex with other partners. I said risk(ier) because you are already putting your own health at risk by having sex with a man who is engaging in multiple extramarital affairs.

[Londy]

^Agree with BaileyB above- however it's clear that Edith doesn't actually take any of the advice she receives and continues to do whatever she believes will work. So, given that she's going to keep having sex with the guy in an attempt to win him back over his numerous affair partners, she might as well do it right. I forgot to include "messy facials" in my post above.

[edith]

You guys hit the nail on the head.

 

All the sexual things you mentioned are things he talked to the 11 yr ow about - except for anal sex and threesomes. And she acted as if she was so into them. I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve read where he’s just so thrilled that she “swallowed” and wanted “every drop of him”.

 

I will never lower myself to her level.

 

Now, if he’s so into her, why hasn’t he contacted her in two weeks? Am I right to assume he’s trying to establish this “isn’t easy” for him?

 

Please don’t refrain from giving me what you think is the truth. I am taking all of this in and am seeing an attorney (again) in two weeks.

[BaileyB]

Now, if he’s so into her, why hasn’t he contacted her in two weeks? Am I right to assume he’s trying to establish this “isn’t easy” for him?

 

Please don’t refrain from giving me what you think is the truth.

 

Maybe he lost her number? Or, he has been preoccupied with work?

Edited October 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[edith]

Bailey, I will take that answer as sarcasm. You can’t possibly be serious.

[RecentChange]

Edith it's hard to answer these questions that have answers as clear as day.

 

OF COURSE it's easy for him to cheat on you, it's a walk in the park! I mean why not, you do everything in your power to keep it as easy as possible for him.

 

It's like some one asking "is the sky blue?" And the answer is of course it's blue - but then the asker is not convinced. "how do you know it's blue? Maybe it's not blue. I am hoping it's not blue"

 

Of course it's blue, and you know it's blue. There really isn't another way to spell it out.

[Londy]

he’s just so thrilled that she “swallowed” and wanted “every drop of him”.

 

I will never lower myself to her level.

 

 

Here's the problem. He enjoys the excitement of the sex with these women, you're plain vanilla and think of swallowing and anal as "lowering yourself". It's really not. You're just unwilling to loosen up and try something different.

 

 

That is of course your right, but here you are using sex as some sort of manipulative tool to "win him back" but you're doing it wrong. Don't even both, you cannot compete with a woman who takes it on the chin.

Edited October 26, 2019 by Londy

[edith]

Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying all along! HE’S IN IT FOR THE SEX. Then everyone tells me he obviously has feelings for the 11 yr ow, I start looking at his behavior, remember everything I’ve read here, then I start to believe he really does have feelings for her. But the real question doesn’t get answered- what in his behavior has shown he has feelings, instead of only wanting sex?

 

I can handle just sex. I cannot handle an emotional involvement on his part.

 

Do men go six years not having sex with a woman and still want her, after having been with several others? Is that alone proof of feelings? Then why do I have this pain in my gut as if someone has just kicked me every time I see he has gone to her profile? Why do I tell myself it’s plain to see he has feelings for this one, but then convince myself she means nothing because he goes weeks not talking to her?

 

All of this seems to be so cut and dried for you guys. I feel like I’m in complete darkness and these posts - sometimes - shine a little light I can follow.

 

Does my husband love someone else?

[mark clemson]

It's very hard to say. I suspect your husband may not love anyone really (and this may not be entirely his fault, but certainly his actions are his choices and this doesn't mean you should be tolerating what he does).

 

Many men bond emotionally over sex. Some don't. Even ones that don't tend to appreciate it a lot. Is appreciation love? Maybe it's as close as some people can get, I don't know.

 

 

Please don’t refrain from giving me what you think is the truth. I am taking all of this in and am seeing an attorney (again) in two weeks

 

I think the truth is that you're clinging to this "he probably doesn't love them really" stuff because it's a tiny shield against the full awfulness of your situation. I hope can you find a strategy to get out of it that also lets you be ok (e.g. financially) in the end.

[Londy]

Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying all along! HE’S IN IT FOR THE SEX.

 

Edith you say he's in it for the sex. You say you are trying to win him back with the sex, but then you say you aren't willing to do much more than you've always done and the wilder stuff that he craves in the bedroom (that he's getting from the other women) is somehow lowering yourself.

 

You're wallowing because you're not swallowing.

[BaileyB]

Edith it's hard to answer these questions that have answers as clear as day.

 

OF COURSE it's easy for him to cheat on you, it's a walk in the park!

 

If you don’t believe Recent Change, just ask any of the other woman with whom he is cheating...

 

The simple fact that he has carried on multiple affairs proves the point. It is absurd to think that it’s not “easy” for him to cheat, considering that he has done in multiple times and is, as you have said, so careless as to leave his phone around the home such that he could easily be caught.

Edited October 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

A relationship with a narcissist is imbalanced. They lack empathy, cannot be loving, caring or sharing.

 

How The Narcissistic Male Views Marriage

1. Uses marriage as a tool of credibility

2. Shames others not married - bragging

3. Wife is property; later, children

4. Relationship imbalance increases after marriage: doesn't have to work for it any more

5. Easy for narcissist to cheat on wife because...

- Didn't marry out of love or admiration

- Married because she fit skill set needed for social role

- Unable to see spouse as a person

- Believes he’s done enough; therefore, gives himself to affair partners

Mermeade, thank you for the narcissist summary.

That is my husband to a tee.

 

Ok so now that is established, is that really acceptable to you?

You have gone off at a tangent and are now obsessed with this one woman, whilst your husband is disrespecting you, your marriage and your children daily...

Whatever he feels for this woman or any of the others is immaterial, as each one takes from your marriage.

Instead of getting on with your life, you are desperately monitoring his phone for any sign that he may be "getting involved".

"Phew! This one is just for sex, Thank God for that"

"OMG, it's HER again..." Panic panic panic...

What kind of a life is that?

[jspice]

 

Does my husband love someone else?

 

He doesn’t love you.

[Prudence V]

Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying all along! HE’S IN IT FOR THE SEX.

 

Edith, you’ve been clinging to this while every one else has told you that’s not the case. You can keep clinging to that, or you can listen to the input you keep asking for.

 

But if you keep asking for input and ignoring it, eventually people will stop giving you input. It’s a choice you need to make.

 

 

I can handle just sex. I cannot handle an emotional involvement on his part.

 

Have you considered that the answer might be, both? Several people have suggested this, but you seem to think that if he mentions sex, then that’s all he’s interested in. Despite any other evidence...

 

 

Do men go six years not having sex with a woman and still want her, after having been with several others? Is that alone proof of feelings?

 

Can men do this? Of course. There are many such cases of that happening, including many on these boards. Is that the case in your H’s situation? Probably - there is evidence to suggest this.

 

You mentioned that your H is, or was, some kind of sportsperson. That suggests that winning matters to him. I suspect his identity is tightly bound up in this - he wants to win her, not just her body but her, and that does mean feelings.

 

 

Does my husband love someone else?

 

Inasmuch as he loves anyone (other than himself - and that’s also moot) yes. He might love your kids as extensions of himself, but he doesn’t love you as he ought, and that won’t change while you carry on letting him walk all over you.

[edith]

I absolutely take all the advice on here to heart. You guys don’t know how often I’ve contemplated divorce since I’ve started reading your posts - it was unthinkable to me before. I so deeply appreciate everyone’s input. I wish there were a more overt way of stressing how important it is for me to talk about this on here, but I guess I’m just not a gifted enough writer.

 

Last night I got a hold of his phone again. I went back to their messages and figured out why he hasn’t reached out to her - I think. Her last message to him was two days after he had replied to her. She wrote “Thinking of you tonight... I can’t talk but just wanted you to know”. She said she can’t talk - they had been discussing her ambivalence and guilt over just talking to him, and she said he should text her “some other time”. Then in her subsequent message she says she “can’t talk”. So he probably thinks she doesn’t want to talk at all and hasn’t reached out to her. But he’s obviously still thinking about her because his behavior has changed so much this week after her “man who can be trusted” posts.

 

So it’s not what I wanted it to be. I wanted him to not be reaching out to her because he doesn’t want her. I wanted it to be because she doesn’t mean anything. But I’m pretty convinced it’s because of her last message and thinking she can’t talk or doesn’t want to.

 

We have lots of sports with the kids today - I’m already running late - so for a few hours, I’ll have my husband all to myself. I miss him so much. Emotionally- I miss him. I don’t know what to do about the desire I ha e to be the only one he wants.

[Amethyst68]

How can he be in it for the sex when they haven't had sex for years!

[seren]

Very often men do things in the bedroom with other women that they wouldn’t want their wives to do. Hypocritical? Yes, but often how it is. No one should feel they have to compete sexually with another. If it doesn’t feel right for you, don’t do it, if you feel you have to do things you aren’t comfortable with, you need to ask yourself why you’re even feeling you have to compete.

 

I imagine the OW is asking herself if your husband still loves you as he’s still married to you. If he loved her that much he would have left years ago, children or not. So many marriages survive a divorce, children adapt and adjust too. No one has to stay in a marriage they don’t want to be in. Maybe you need to think more about that.

 

Personally, I’d call his bluff, I’d tell him I knew and that if he still wanted to see the OW then fine, but you were going to agree to an open relationship if it’s only with the OW, but you will explore seeing other men too. Most married people who cheat would never agree to that, hypocrisy again. If he does agree I’d make sure he thought I was seeing someone else if only to get him to feel what it’s like to think their partner is getting their needs met by someone else.

 

It’s risky, it’s sneaky and it shouldn’t be necessary, but I’d be damned if I sat back and gave him carte blanche to screw around. When my H told me he’d been having an A I told him to leave if he would be happier with the OW. I said I was glad he told me so I could find someone who appreciated me and believed in monogamy. I also told him about the man in work who would jump through hoops for me so he needn’t worry I would be on my own. My H had already dropped the OW like a stone when she began making plans to tell me. If he’d chosen to be with her, then I would have wished him well, but, I would never sit back and passively accept a third party in our marriage. I don’t do second best, never have.

 

Know your own self worth, it’s not easy divorcing, but it’s easier than tearing yourself in bits while he sees someone else. Get your ducks in a row, get your finances in order, then drop the bomb. I know how much being deceived hurts, it’s bad enough when you are part of it unwittingly, worse when you know. If keeping my H meant as little as a BJ or anal, I’d pack his bags tomorrow. Marriage and love are more than sex, vanilla or otherwise. Value who you are and what you value. You deserve better.