Instant connections are real?

[Gaeta]

I am so guarded when it comes to dating that I can't tell what's real and fake anymore. As a defense mechanism I've grown to assume it's all fake from the get go. Most of the fabricated 'instant connection' I've experienced in the past there was a little something annoying that I ignored but this time nothing.

I met someone and I have no red flags to report, I have no gut instinct talking to me, I have nothing negative to get bogged down in! I can't get enough of him, he can't get enough of me, but I can't fully enjoy it because I am soooooooo darn guarded and always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

Do we call that being guarded or it's just wisdom & experience? What ever it is, it sucks. 

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I met someone and I have no red flags to report, I have no gut instinct talking to me, I have nothing negative to get bogged down in! I can't get enough of him, he can't get enough of me.

This is a good situation in which to be cautiously optimistic.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 

Do we call that being guarded or it's just wisdom & experience? What ever it is, it sucks. 

 

Just enjoy each other and let time do it’s thing. Either it will work out or it won’t. If you want to be in a relationship, you’re going to need to live through the early stage anxieties. There’s no way around it. Just don’t let your thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy by pushing him away. There are never any guarantees and you’ll be fine either way.

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am soooooooo darn guarded and always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

What do you think might happen? Him being a criminal, or hiding his marital status? I can’t relate, as I’m usually not suspicious of people I meet, but I also don’t OLD.

BUT: If friends & family set me up with a date (friend of a friend or coworker or whatnot), or if I meet somebody at a family BBQ, or at a dinner party, and I get asked out by the guy, my worst nightmare and biggest fear is having to sit through a boring evening. Boring dates are the WORST!!! Not worried about anything else, TBH.

Edited September 4, 2022 by BrinnM

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

What do you think might happen? Him being a criminal, or hiding his marital status? I can’t relate, as I’m usually not suspicious of people I meet, but I also don’t OLD.

I'v been mislead a few times and it always happenned when the initial connection was strong. Men looking for money, sex, professional favors. There was even a man l dated 5-6 months and he knew he was leaving the country but he didn't tell me in fear l would not date him. 

So it's not so much l'm suspicious of men but l'm suspicious of instant connections. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmm … I struggled with this one as well @Gaeta. My conclusion now: I think you're framing this in an unhelpful way, in fact in the wrong way that only makes you vulnerable. Trust is not absolute. Trust is temporary and especially at the start of relationships, gut trust can be thoroughly unreliable. The gut may be good for avoiding something negative. It is not good at predicting a positive relationship. 

The immediate attraction brain (and gut) is not good at figuring out lots of important qualities in a person.

Immediate attraction (and gut comfort) is like a great seamless, effortless conversation with someone. Great, you feel a high. But here's what the immediate attraction brain does not notice, cannot notice: their past, their flaws, whether they have a gambling problem, an alcoholic mother, a violent father, trauma and pain and bad coping mechanisms based on this trauma, a history of addiction, whether they are incompetent and lazy at work, whether you have compatible attitudes about money, about socializing, hobbies, how they are when they are tired or cranky or sick, how they will be when you are tired or cranky or sick. The immediate attraction brain does not screen for whether this person is a chronic cheater or liar even!

I hate to be blunt: you cannot even rule out this person as a serial killer based on early attraction and a silent gut.  You have no precise observation and awareness of what they do and think away from you, what they're not telling you or showing you 

The solution here is to always--despite giddy feelings and bliss and a reassured gut-always just go to the next step. To the second date, to the third date. And so on: knowing you might discover something that means the relationship won't work for you--or they'll discover something that doesn't work for them.

You're framing this as you either trust or don't trust. All or nothing.

You can date with an open mindset AND keep up the critical mature voice that says there will be problems and I have to speak up and there will be differences and I have to acknowledge them. You can do this by reducing the time span here. You trust and let go (as long as things feel right) til the next date. Or next two dates. Period. And then when that next date works out (let's say) you trust only to the following date or next few dates.

Dumb example: I learned that I should NOT listen to romantic songs when I fall hard for someone quickly. All those songs do is flood the brain with attachment hormones. And again, those hormones aren't designed to figure out if the relationship really has serious potential. Those hormones presumably evolved for one reason (maybe attachment to good parents). They aren't designed and updated to accurate access for compatibility in modern relationships. 

I'm all for paying attention to our gut. Yes, person checks off a bunch of boxes, has great qualities, but the gut feels something is off. Yep, trust that gut. But the gut is not enough, especially at the start of relationships and doubly so when we fall hard for someone. The gut is NOT good--in fact, it's terrible--at predicting who we'll connect with two years down the line. We need the analytical brain for that.

Now I'm going to challenge you. You've had some great dates with great feelings of connections. OK, you want to snap that? Or at least keep yourself out of the gullible/sucker category, then turn on your critical brain. This is hard because those immediate attraction hormones are designed to shut off the critical brain. So you have to do turn on the critical-analytical mind even though you don't feel like it--because you are swamped with hormones right now.  You do this even though it feels mechanical. 

I can guarantee that this person has some differences with you that could be a problem. I can guarantee they have said things that don't agree with you. These differences didn’t provoke your gut. I get that, but stepping back, you can use your analytical brain to say if I’m religious and they’re not, that’s going to a possible challenge, one that might not be able to be worked out.

Disagreement isn't inherently wrong (we're not clones of each other), but differences are possible sources of conflict, especially when the hormones die down. Remember: we can describe a hobby, for example, and the other person early on smiles and says, "that's great." Hormones flood. We're similar! He gets me. Uh, no. He just said something good about a hobby on a date--he's just being pleasant.  The true test is how he would respond to your hobby as things go on. What actions he would take? Someone says they have a jerk of a boss, and they are dealing with that. Hormones suppress the possibility in us that this person is totally incompetent and lazy and mean on the job.  We can't imagine that possibility on this wonderful date facing this person smiling and laughing at our stories, telling us we're great.

Even in the most happily married couples (I know some) they speak their minds and hold their partners accountable day to day. They don't just grant some permanent trust and assume all is well. And this accountability isn't all negative: it also informs the other person of what we feel. Sometimes when they respond, we adjust our feelings. We feel safe. But other times, we agree to disagree, or we just face the possible conflict—eyes wide open. A relationship is dynamic. There is no bliss state in relationships. 

@Gaeta I'm wondering something else. I'm sensing that once you start with someone, once you trust, you think you can turn off all conflict or all need to speak your mind, all need to confront the other person, all need to notice odd clues and absences and the like. You've turned off the possibility that things won't work out and that that's OK!!!! Or you think you have to be totally skeptical and distrusting. No, you’re trust just til the next date or next few dates. I had a mentor who said people can fake things in relationship for at least six months. But really to develop deep trust in someone, a couple needs about two years. At least!

If it really is a good fit, the relationship will survive your complaints and ongoing speaking up  about things that don’t work for you. You actually don’t have to or want to give people the benefit of the doubt when later issues pop up that make you uncomfortable.

Bottom line: the gut feeling will change over time. Don’t assume that it’s locked in a permanent conclusion and that that conclusion is correct. We can’t know until we’ve been with someone a good amount of time!

You invest in and let your hopes stay at the level of the earned trust. 

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[BrinnM]

21 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The gut is NOT good--in fact, it's terrible--at predicting who we'll connect with two years down the line. We need the analytical brain for that.

I couldn’t agree more. Trust your gut is generally bad advice. Better: analyze, plan ahead, and trust your past practical experience that you have learned from. 

[Gaeta]

@Lotsgoingon: Thank you so much for the time invested in your reply. You make several good points. I will read it over a few more times.

*One date at a time* will be my new motto. 

 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

*One date at a time* will be my new motto. 

Hi G, this^ was always my attitude, worked well for me. 

I am a big believer in gut feelings, and trusting our intuition however I also believe in utilizing logic.

It's a balance - intuition, emotions and logic. 

You need all three working in conjunction with each other imo. 

I know you've been through hell and back but try to judge each man and each situation separately.

It's not a new man's fault you've been jerked around in the past, try to give him the benefit of doubt. 

Also, I think it's important to look within to determine what it was that attracted you to those "conmen."

Charm, style, good looks, status?  

I don't know, just asking however I do know with at least a couple of men, you weren't all that into them but continued to date and have sex with them and were disappointed and disillusioned at the end. 

You may be one of the most resilient women I've ever known so continue the journey and choose wisely! 

And good luck with this new man!  

 

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Maybe try this....instead of pouring out every detail of what your interests are, deep conversations, revealing intimate details about your life, just don't reveal much at all especially in your dating profile. IMO those players/psychopaths/predators, use that information you provide to create false intimacy, (mirroring). They do it to get you emotionally hooked and take advantage because that is when you are most vulnerable.

Edited September 4, 2022 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'v been mislead a few times and it always happenned when the initial connection was strong. Men looking for money, sex, professional favors. There was even a man l dated 5-6 months and he knew he was leaving the country but he didn't tell me in fear l would not date him. 

So it's not so much l'm suspicious of men but l'm suspicious of instant connections. 

It’s hard to know if they are leaving in 6 months.  Talk to them about their life and where they have settled down.  Those thst move around will likely do so again. Those that were married with kids in the area and likeky staying. If the kids  live elsewhere they likeky move to where a child is in the future.  Some types of employment tend to be movesblr.  There is no way of forecasting things like corporate moves or them being bought and jobs dissolve or get moved.

 

pay attention to where the difference are.  These might be shallow at first hiding a bigger divide.

 

I’ve only had sudden instant chemistry when I first talked to them a few times in my life. 

[Alpacalia]

I would simply suggest that you just let yourself remember that you might be reading too much into the situation and give yourself permission to wait it out until you know more about it.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s hard to know if they are leaving in 6 months.  

I was giving an exemple of how l was mislead in the past. When the person met me he knew he was leaving the country but he never informed me as he knew l would not date him. That's one exemple of being mislead out of too many. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I would simply suggest that you just let yourself remember that you might be reading too much 

 

Reading too much as in?

He deleted his profile, he told me he found what he's looking for, calls me 2-3 times a day, says he can't get me out of his head, ...i'm only reading what's there. 

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Reading too much as in?

He deleted his profile, he told me he found what he's looking for, calls me 2-3 times a day, says he can't get me out of his head, ...i'm only reading what's there. 

You can never predict the future and there’s always risk. Just keep going on dates and let time tell the story. How long did it take him to delete his profile and “know” you were what he was looking for? Do you think he knows you well enough at this point to make that bold of a statement? 
 

Again, time will tell. Don’t get ahead of yourself. As you said, one date at a time. The only “flag” I see is your tendency to fall for men that are “all in” early on. Doesn’t mean it won’t work out. Just likely the reason you’ve felt mislead in the past. 

[Ami1uwant]

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was giving an exemple of how l was mislead in the past. When the person met me he knew he was leaving the country but he never informed me as he knew l would not date him. That's one exemple of being mislead out of too many. 

I was agreeing with you.

tell me more about this guy and I bet I could have figured out his leaving was a risk….assuming he didn’t lie elsewhere.

 

there are certain career fields that are transient where you aren’t tied to the area or if you are on short assignment

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Reading too much as in?

He deleted his profile, he told me he found what he's looking for, calls me 2-3 times a day, says he can't get me out of his head, ...i'm only reading what's there. 

Gaeta, how long after you met did this begin happening? 

I think I'd feel totally suffocated by all that attention so early in nor would I trust it. 

Calling twice a day, can't get me out of his head?  He found what he has been looking for?  I'm sorry but ugh. 

I realize it can be flattering but this is where logic comes into play.  And intuition.

Logically this man just met you, how could he know you're what he's been looking for? 

It's too much too soon imo.  There's a common saying, I'm sure you've heard of it -  fast to rush in, fast to rush out. 

I think instant connections are possible, my husband and I connected the night we met.

However we still remained grounded and realistic, being careful to not overwhelm each other or ourselves before giving ourselves enough time to learn about each other and to decide if we're a good fit together long term. 

Once we did, things moved quickly but the first few months, we took it slowly and behaved prudently. 

Just something to consider. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He deleted his profile, he told me he found what he's looking for, calls me 2-3 times a day, says he can't get me out of his head,

He seems quite interested so relax and enjoy. No need for microanalysis. Try not to let past bombs or hurts taint your fun and future. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Reading too much as in?

He deleted his profile, he told me he found what he's looking for, calls me 2-3 times a day, says he can't get me out of his head, ...i'm only reading what's there. 

Reading too much into possible outcomes.

It is about you setting up perimeters in your life as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. 

The fondness he has for you can indicate many things, and you will either have to be patient or have an established understanding of what you are looking for in a partner. 

It is up to you to decide which actions you are willing to deal with. 

Initially, you won't know if the guy you are dating is in it for the short or long haul, but as things become more intimate and personal, the question will arise. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

 The only “flag” I see is your tendency to fall for men that are “all in” early on.

I don't fall fast. The last man that moved me was over a year ago and we dated 3 months and after 3 months it's normal to fall for someone. Every man l spoke about since last summer l did not fall for.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I was agreeing with you.

tell me more about this guy and I bet I could have figured out his leaving was a risk….assuming he didn’t lie elsewhere.

there are certain career fields that are transient where you aren’t tied to the area or if you are on short assignment

He was a welder. There was nothing indicating he had planned to leave. It was my very first thread when l became a member here in 2014.

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't fall fast. The last man that moved me was over a year ago and we dated 3 months and after 3 months it's normal to fall for someone. Every man l spoke about since last summer l did not fall for.

I didn’t say you fall fast. I said you tend to be attracted to men who fall fast. And I’m pretty sure you felt some strong attraction towards “Romeo” who was “all in” right away. Or at least was playing it that way. Are there ex’s who just took things slowly? Where they chose to get to know you before making any bold proclamations? 

[Gaeta]

49 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 Are there ex’s who just took things slowly? Where they chose to get to know you before making any bold proclamations? 

I don't have enough ex to compare. These men l date a couple of months l don't call them ex. 

People can experience an instant connection and still take things slow. It's fun to feel that mutual connection, discovering each other, having fun while doing it. 

My recent ex of 5 years was someone who was a bit slower. We were exclusive on 5th date. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

People can experience an instant connection and still take things slow. It's fun to feel that mutual connection, discovering each other, having fun while doing it. 

Absolutely agree Gaeta.

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I think instant connections are possible, my husband and I connected the night we met.

However we still remained grounded and realistic, being careful to not overwhelm each other or ourselves before giving ourselves enough time to learn about each other and to decide if we're a good fit together long term. 

Once we did, things moved quickly but the first few months, we took it slowly and behaved prudently

The guys who come on fast and strong with grand proclamations and gestures early in, personally I'm turned off by it, to me it's phony and disingenuous.  I don't trust it. 

But even if I weren't, it suggests they're fantasy-driven and once reality hits, they're off and running towards their next high.  

JMO based on experience, there are always exceptions of course.  

It's all a risk no matter what.

So who's this new man?  Are you into him? 

If so, I'm happy for you!  Relax and enjoy.

Edited September 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

It's like going from one extreme to the other.

Since the last man you dated disappeared. I don't see how your self-esteem didn't take a hit. 

I don't mean that rudely.

Anyone in your position would feel the same way.

Someone is now lavishing you with attention.

It wasn't too long ago that you dated someone who you really liked for four months. How long did you give yourself to process that? It's wonderful how resilient you are and I could use some of that myself. Why jump back in so quickly?