Taking it further

[Angel29]

I met a man at my running club. The past 2 months we have gotten closer. Recently we both confessed we have feelings for each other. Yesterday he took me out for the day, we have done this a few times now.

At the beginning of the night he said he sensed I had fear and I got upset and he told me to come closer and he held me and asked why I was upset. He is right I am anxious and a bit nervous because I haven't had a relationship in 10 years as I haven't met anyone. My last relationship was full of domestic, emotional and sexual abuse which has left me cautious - he doesn't know this but he has told me about how he has been in an abusive relationship before. I said I am worried I will fall for him and don't want to think if it doesn't work out and to make me laugh he said "you won't fall for me" which got me laughing. He said just enjoy the moment and don't think about the future.

We both have such a strong connection and he really cares for me and has told me all of this. I was able to relax a lot more after we spoke.

The one thing he doesn't know is I have never had sex before. I didn't have sex with my ex as the domestic abuse made me freeze with fear though pressured to do other extreme sexual things most people would not do. I feel really comfortable with this man. He said to me last night as we have been kissing a lot that he likes me because I am not like other women and respect myself not rushing into things. He said he does not want to have sex just yet and that it is my decision when this happes as the lady decides and must feel comfortable. I know he got quite in the mood last night but he refused to cross any boundaries. He said he isn't going anywhere and said he wants to date and see where things go but he doesn't want anyone else. He doesn't want to rush in to things, I said I am the same as he said he doesn't want to get hurt and I said I don't either.

I don't know what to do as I know he is the man for me but I don't want to drive him away with anxiety or the fact I am virgin may put him off. I know this isn't the case as he loves everything about me. I know he would be very caring when we have sex.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Angel29 said:

The past 2 months we have gotten closer.  Yesterday he took me out for the day, we have done this a few times now.

He said just enjoy the moment and don't think about the future. The one thing he doesn't know is I have never had sex before. I know he got quite in the mood last night but he refused to cross any boundaries. 

It seems to be going well and he seems like a respectful guy. Go at your own pace and try to relax.

[Gaeta]

Angel: Have you tried therapy for your anxiety and your abuse history? I think it would benefit you a great deal and not only for your relationship with this man but for the rest of your life. You have to lift some of that weight (anxiety) off of your shoulders. 

I think you should confine in this man and let him reassure you. Also, he needs to know what he's getting into, will you be ready for sex in 3 months or 3 years type of situation. We have to own who we are, present it to our date, and deal with what will be. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Angel29 said:

My last relationship was full of domestic, emotional and sexual abuse which has left me cautious - he doesn't know this but he has told me about how he has been in an abusive relationship before. 

Oh dear.  This is NOT good.  This was a covert warning and it's important to pay attention to it. 

@Angel29, I am not a negative person by nature, I typically trust men until they give me reason not to. 

I am also highly perceptive and reading about this man, it gave me chills, something sounds terribly off. 

When I read he's been in an abusive relationship (I am going to assume HE was the abuser?), I wasn't surprised. 

Please correct me if I am wrong and if HE was the abused person, that presents another different set of issues. 

In any event, you come off very sweet but naive. vulnerable and meek and abusers/predators are very skilled at choosing these types of women.

Of course I am only speculating and don't mean to be a downer, but it was my initial gut reaction and I think you need to be very careful here. 

His "niceness" sounds phony to me, a facade. 

It's too much, too intense, too over the top.

From what I have read, you haven't even been on a proper date yet. 

If me, I would stay away from him, but that's your choice, just be careful and good luck.

[smackie9]

You are here because all this intimacy he's trying to create has you nervous and rightfully so. Me personally would not reveal anything just yet. You barley know this guy....people lie and if I were you I would do some background checking. There is some caution to be taken when they say "YOU are not like other women" and "I was in a toxic relationship" etc. What scares me the most about him is that he's TELLING you to let your guard down and trust him....BIG RED FLAG. He's saying all the right things to you/hugs you and that's another big red flag. You are an adult, you do whatever you decide, but please be careful.

Edited September 4, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Angel29 said:

 - he doesn't know this but he has told me about how he has been in an abusive relationship before. The one thing he doesn't know is I have never had sex before. 

Good. These are issue  you need to sort out with a therapist, not a date.

[stillafool]

I don't know he sounds pretty nice to me.  Just take it slow as he suggests and don't reveal everything too soon.  However opening up to him will decrease your anxiety over time.  Hope he's a good guy.  You deserve one.