ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2022 Posted September 5, 2022 2 minutes ago, Leigh116 said: Ya I know. I just don't know what to make of it. They were a family for 10 years. He says this aunt who passed away was at all of the family gatherings, etc., etc. The Pall bearer thing is too much I think I have to agree. He can't have remained that close to the family if he hadn't even spoken to his ex-wife in more than a year. I can certainly understand him attending the funeral and paying his respects. But it seems a little odd to me that she wants him to take this specific role, given that they apparently haven't been in touch for some time now. Are you sure they haven't spoken since spring of 2021?
Author Leigh116 Posted September 5, 2022 Author Posted September 5, 2022 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: I have to agree. He can't have remained that close to the family if he hadn't even spoken to his ex-wife in more than a year. I can certainly understand him attending the funeral and paying his respects. But it seems a little odd to me that she wants him to take this specific role, given that they apparently haven't been in touch for some time now. Are you sure they haven't spoken since spring of 2021? I'm fairly sure. I guess I can't be 100% sure.
giotto Posted September 5, 2022 Posted September 5, 2022 He will always have feelings for his ex wife. I will always have feelings for my ex wife. I think it's normal. What's not normal is that he still seems very infatuated. Too much. 2
Mrin Posted September 5, 2022 Posted September 5, 2022 Hey OP! Wanted to offer this in hopes it helps you work though things. I am a dude who has connections (some close) with all of my exes. In fact, my connections with my exes make your husband's connection look like nothing. Ha! So this should provide some good contrast for you. You are not wrong for feeling like you feel. There is no wrong/right when it comes to feelings. You just feel. That being said, I think you're looking for confirmation of justification for feeling like you feel. You are justified IMHO. And... if you really want dig deep, I think you're looking for some sort of objective pronouncement that your husband's connection with his ex is objectively "wrong". This is where I stop. There is no objective standard here you can fall back on and get unanimous validation of a line being crossed - like you could with say, infidelity. Nope. Sorry. His connection with his ex isn't objectively wrong. It is just wrong for you. And that's okay. Being wrong for you is every bit as validating as being wrong in an objective sense. So, before I dive a little deeper - because there is something that hasn't been touched on yet that might be illuminating for you - a bit of my perspective. Like I said, I'm friends or have at least a FB connection with every woman i've ever been in a relationship with save one. I value those connections. I value those shared experiences. I strongly believe that just because the romantic aspect of a relationship is over, there is no reason to throw the friendship away. But, I also recognize that my mindset and perspective isn't everyone's cup of tea. Some women i've started dating have bristled hard at my connections. And when that happens, I just end the nascent relationship as I know it is pointless to continue on with a woman who is uncomfortable with those connections. Does that mean I am choosing my exes over her? Perhaps. But more it means that I realize we just aren't compatible. Now - do I think you are such a woman? No. Heck, you had two of your exes are your darn wedding. You have no other problems with his connections with other exes. So obviously, you're not that type of woman. So... I think it is important to ask.... why are you like this with his ex-wife? There is something about this one connection of his that makes you insecure or at least less secure. Right? Obviously, we have the whole "ex-wife" status thing that could be it. Could it be something else? I'm just going to toss a few things out for your to try on. Do any of these land for you? Attractiveness: where does she compare with you in your mind from an attractiveness standpoint? Success: where does she compare with you in your mind from a "success" standpoint? Better job? Wealth/income? Education? Age: is she younger? Intelligence: how do you feel you compare with her in the smarts department? Sex: did they share a sex life that is fundamentally different from the one you share with him now? Temporal: are the rest of his exes from much longer ago? Connection: Does he speak about the connection he had with her as being greater or more unique than his other exes? I dunno OP... I feel there is something here worth looking into. I think the easiest thing would be to sum up all of his exes that you know about and ask yourself, what makes her unique to the rest of his exes. That might actually be easier than trying to spot by comparing her to you. Hope this helps! Mrin 4
Author Leigh116 Posted September 5, 2022 Author Posted September 5, 2022 1 hour ago, Mrin said: I dunno OP... I feel there is something here worth looking into. I think the easiest thing would be to sum up all of his exes that you know about and ask yourself, what makes her unique to the rest of his exes. That might actually be easier than trying to spot by comparing her to you. Hope this helps! Mrin Great post thank you so much!! I don't have time to respond in detail right now, I have a lot of thoughts, so I will do that tomorrow but just wanted to thank you so much for answering!
Wiseman2 Posted September 6, 2022 Posted September 6, 2022 (edited) On 9/4/2022 at 11:55 AM, Leigh116 said: . I think it's just unfinished business. Agree. Sounds more like unfinished business. It doesn't seem like he's attracted to her or wants her back or anything like that. It seems like he had too many loose ends and the divorce was disorganized as far as his stuff because he was supposedly cheated on and resisting the divorce despite the obvious demise of the marriage. That may be how he is. A bit dense when it comes to accepting the here and now. He was that way in his marriage and he's being that way now as far as these unnessary interactions with her and playing deaf with you too. I don't think going to this funeral is a big deal. Do not go with him as it would be intrusive, as if you need to keep an eye on him. There's nothing to be jealous of nor worry about if she's this that or the other as far as attractiveness. So don't even ponder that. Please suggest marriage therapy so he can at least hear from a professional that he needs to discontinue being in denial of everything and living in the past until it's too late. He's done this before and sadly is doing it again. Edited September 6, 2022 by Wiseman2 1
mark clemson Posted September 6, 2022 Posted September 6, 2022 On 9/4/2022 at 4:35 AM, Leigh116 said: He's the nicest guy ever. In a way, this is just him being him. I haven't read every response, but think this essentially hits the nail on the head. It sounds to me like he is a "people-pleaser" type, at least WRT to his X and probably you as well. That can be pleasant no doubt, but in a way it's a "double-edged sword" as you are seeing. Consider continuing to calmly and pleasantly remind him that your strong preference is for him to have nothing to do with his Ex (or, if I got that wrong, to curtail things to the level you are comfortable with). Hopefully with persistence he will get the message, and his desire to keep you happy will override any lingering "orbiter" impulses towards his Ex. Using a chess metaphor, you are (or should be) a "queen" and his ex is now (or should be) at the level of a "rook" at best, or perhaps less. So, your needs supersede hers. That's probably happening, but the more you make it a "need" that he cut off things with her, the more he (hopefully) will do just that. You have been delicate about this, it seems, and that's resulted in the current situation. So, IMO it's time to be a bit more insistent, without it become disruptive to the overall relationship. 1
Author Leigh116 Posted September 6, 2022 Author Posted September 6, 2022 21 hours ago, Mrin said: Hope this helps! Mrin Hey. Again I really appreciate your perspective. I have been working on this for 5 years, trying to figure out why I have this type of reaction to just this one x. I'm a confident person by nature. Hell I get on a stage in front of 100's of strangers. This hasn't been an issue in any of my past relationships. So I've tried to figure out why this bothers me so much. I went to therapy for a few months to discuss just this very thing. And even though it helped some, it didn't make it all go away in my head. As far as your list. I don't feel any of those things as far as 'she's more attractive, she's this or she's that'. She's an idiot IMO. She spells tomorrow with an a. I'm fairly confident in my life, in my job, in my past relationships. Basically this is what I have come up with. In the beginning of our relationship, knowing he was newly divorced, I let things go. Not in my head, I suffered in silence I mean. I am not the type of woman who tells a man what to do or nags. I let him be him. But again going down the list......having to see their lovey FB pics in the beginning.. (still seared in my brain), the back and forth with the dog, watching them interact during dog drop offs, finding things of hers in his house right up until he sold his house to buy a house with me. Many times I felt he was putting her needs (to have the dog on a holiday weekend, as an example) before mine. Seeing the texts 1.5 years ago where he was just checking in with her (twice in one month) really put me over the edge. That's the first time we had a serious talk about it. But, IMO, the damage had been done. This was about 3.5 years into our relationship, we are buying a house together and about to be engaged and still has a foot into his past in a way. That's how it felt to me at the time. So even though a funeral of one of her loved ones, who he was close with, is not a big deal all by itself, having gone through this for 5 years I'm at the end of my rope. I should have had this conversation with him years ago and maybe we could have nipped this but we didn't so here we are. I also agree that this is just who he is. He is HORRIBLE at setting boundaries with other people as well. I have noticed that. His best friend's wife said to me one day 'he's nice to a fault. Sometimes he doesn't cut off relationships that he should cut off' She was referring to another friend who was badmouthing him behind his back. And it was a great observation by someone here that he didn't set boundaries with her when they were married so he's not going to start now. We had a long talk last night and it went o.k. He understands 100% that I don't want him reaching out to her for any reason. I made the point to him that aside from murder, she did the worst thing that you can do to a spouse. Affair and left him for the affair partner. He needs to be done. This is not a case of parting amicably to the point where they can still be friends. I feel like I'm in la la land here sometimes. O.K I've talked this to death. Thank you all for responding 1
Mrin Posted September 6, 2022 Posted September 6, 2022 4 hours ago, Leigh116 said: Basically this is what I have come up with. In the beginning of our relationship, knowing he was newly divorced, I let things go. Not in my head, I suffered in silence I mean. I am not the type of woman who tells a man what to do or nags. I let him be him. But again going down the list......having to see their lovey FB pics in the beginning.. (still seared in my brain), the back and forth with the dog, watching them interact during dog drop offs, finding things of hers in his house right up until he sold his house to buy a house with me. Many times I felt he was putting her needs (to have the dog on a holiday weekend, as an example) before mine. Seeing the texts 1.5 years ago where he was just checking in with her (twice in one month) really put me over the edge. That's the first time we had a serious talk about it. But, IMO, the damage had been done. This was about 3.5 years into our relationship, we are buying a house together and about to be engaged and still has a foot into his past in a way. That's how it felt to me at the time. This is really insightful. Basically it is a real estate thing. Not literally. But figuratively. She - or memories of her - occupy or occupied significant space in his life. And, like you said, you buried your reaction to it. So, instead of healing, it festered. Which makes total sense. So... idea for you to try on when you're trying to explain it to him. Objectively, all of these things - things like the funeral etc seem small or inconsequential. Expect they aren't. Not to you. Let me give you an analogy. They are sort like light punches to the arm. Sure, it isn't pleasurable but it isn't a big thing and is the sort of thing you can shrug off. BUT.... now imagine instead of a healthy arm, you instead had some sort of festering wound or abscess there. Maybe a bone bruise. A really sore spot hidden beneath the surface (or shirt). And so, instead of it being a light punch, if feels like your arm is being shattered. I mean, we've all felt something like this whether it be a bruise or a tooth or something and everything is just magnified 1000X. Now, sticking with the physical analogy, when something like that happens we don't say, "oh, that shouldn't have hurt" or "wow, I didn't know you had a wound" and punch it again. No, we realize that that is a sore spot for you, realize that you are indeed in pain and avoid whacking it again. We protect it. That's what needs to happen here. Your sore spot might not make a lot of sense to him but he needs to recognize it is there. And adjust his behavior around it because, in the end, it really doesn't matter why it is sore. It just is and when he hits it (figuratively) it causes you real pain. Anyhow, that's how I'd explain it to a Cro-Magnon knuckle dragger like me. Best of luck! Mrin 1 1
Despin Posted September 6, 2022 Posted September 6, 2022 You cannot even be sure how long ago your husband last spoke to his ex, you don't trust him completely, you don't know how he feels about her or if he's keeping anything from you. Your relationship isn't nearly as amazing as you think it is.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 7, 2022 Posted September 7, 2022 13 hours ago, Leigh116 said: I made the point to him that aside from murder, she did the worst thing that you can do to a spouse. Affair and left him for the affair partner. He needs to be done. This is not a case of parting amicably to the point where they can still be friends. I feel like I'm in la la land here sometimes. I can see why. When you have to convince your own husband that his ex-wife did him wrong, your marriage is in serious trouble. That sort of conversation shouldn't even be necessary in a marriage, but here you are. I feel for you, OP. It sounds like you're finally finding your voice and seeing that this problem represents a much bigger rift betweem you two. I hope you can find your way.
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