rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 My boyfriend has children from a previous marriage. I love him and them a great deal. How do I approach the subject of having more children? Until dating him, I never really thought about having my own children. But now, I think I may want them and just need to find out if he would be open to that. Please tell me how do start this discussion with him!
slubberdegullion Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 How long have you been together? How old are his kids? Does he have sole or shared custody?
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Until dating him, I never really thought about having my own children. But now, I think I may want them and just need to find out if he would be open to that. I think you should say almost exactly the part I quoted.. I think that if you make him feel that it is because of him that you are now feeling that way that he would feel great and the conversation should flow from there
Author rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Thank you very much! That is a great way to approach the topic without scaring the lights out of either of us. He is an amazing father and I can for the first time ever picture what having a family of my/our own might be like. And I really like your Gandhi quote. Perhaps this will be the first time I have told anybody exactly what I think and/or want. I will frame that quote and live by it. Thanks.
Author rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 We have been together nearly one year. His children are 2, 4, and 6 and he shares custody of them.
RecordProducer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 How about just ask him if he would be open to having more children with another woman? Start from there. If he says "no" then you know what to expect and can make a further decision about your future, possibly independently.
Tamrick Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I agree with RP - the simplest is just to ask. Perhaps the easiest way is to ask him after he has seen his own kids again - ask him how it went and how he feels about them and then ask him if he'd ever consider having more.
Author rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Thanks a lot for the help! I guess there is no better way to open the conversation than just to state the obvious: he is a great father and a terrific guy. Oh, and I want to have children with him. It's big and scary to finally admit that at 31. Did I mention that he had a vasectomy? And that I used to date him in junior high? Minor details.
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Did I mention that he had a vasectomy? And that I used to date him in junior high? Minor details. The vasectomy is not a minor detail.. First off the reversals are not 100% .. No guarantee .. A lot of the times it depends on how the surgery was done to whether or not it can be reversed. Cost... a reversal is fairly expensive $5,000 - $10,000 you need to talk to him about this and get his feelings about it out in the open
slubberdegullion Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Did I mention that he had a vasectomy? Oh. All of a sudden, the plot thickens. Getting a vasectomy is a snap; you're in and out of the clinic in well under and hour, and after two easy days with a bag of frozen peas on your crotch (can you say "shrinkage"?) you're pretty much back to normal. A reversal, however, is something entirely different. Apparently (I have a friend who had a reversal, but it was unsuccessful) it's extremely uncomfortable and the success rate is only about 50%. (link)
Author rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 You're right AC. The vasectomy and it's possible reversal are NOT minor details. It can cost upwards of $20,000, take up to a year to regain "normal" sperm count, and has a fairly high complete failure rate. Which leads to another question: if he would like to have children with me but is unable, where does that leave us? Guess I need to get the ball rolling on this talk, eh? Thanks again for the guidance.
Author rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 The "what-ifs" are rotten to think about. Better get the "for sures" down first.
RecordProducer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 if he would like to have children with me but is unable, where does that leave us? I think you first need to come up with an "agreement with yourself." Do you definitely want to have children? If you do then it's probably about time for you to know where you stand with him regarding this. The vasectomy he performed would worry me more in the sense that the fact that he did it speaks that he at one point decided not to have anymore children. But perhaps he changed his mind. How would you feel if you dated him for like a couple more years, things got serious, and you discovered that he doesn't want to have kids with you no matter what? I think it's okay to talk about children at the very beginning of the relationship. You don't have to waste your time with someone who is not marriage material in your eyes. You have a right to plan your near and far future at any point of your life. Especially since this is rather a theoretical and hypothetical question and is not related to the development of your relationship. If you would leave him over this then it better happens sooner than later. Perhaps artificial insemination could be a good solution after vasectomy? I really don't know the medical aspect of this situation.
Author rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Thanks, Ms. Producer. I really appreciate the insight. I do need to make an agreement with myself. Honestly, I've never told anyone how I really feel about having kids. I want them. Badly ... but eventually. I've never had the courage to discuss this nor have I ever been contemplating a relathipship this serious before. So this whole "talking things over" concept is new to me. I'm more of a keep-it-inside-until-you-explode type of idiot. It would be a waste of some good years and some good love if he doesn't want any more children. I see that now. He had the vasectomy while he was married. After three, she didn't want anymore children; however she did want other lovers which is why we're in this situation. Do you know at what point you say: I love this guy no matter what vs. Perhaps I should try for a less complicated relationship (ie. no children/ex-wives/surgical sterilization)?
RecordProducer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Do you know at what point you say: I love this guy no matter what When you're blinded by love. vs. Perhaps I should try for a less complicated relationship?When you realize that the relationship will not make you happy due to all the problems standing in between. Issues we are unable to resolve kill our love. "No matter what" usually turns out to be just an empty phrase. But talk to him before you make any decisions please. Don't wait to explode!
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