My bf wants me to move back in his house

[confusedandazed]

So I have been dating this guy for almost three years. In February, we moved in Florida together for his job. I quit my government job in my home state and found a new job in FL after much hectic, pressured searching. We lived in a 4 bedroom house together until May.

Up until May, his moods were pretty erratic, I assumed it was all the stress from his new job. He would yell and me and slam doors just because there was a little bit of food on the stovetop or if there were too many spoons in the sink. He expected me to have the kitchen clean when he got home from work everyday.

I work full time from home in software. Sometimes I would have to work overtime, and I explained that to him. The whole month of May was kind of miserable for me. I’m not perfect, but I don’t think I did anything too horrible relationship-wise. 75% of the time I felt like he was in a bad mood for whatever reason. He always reassured he loved me though. At the end of may, he starts acting distant and kinda ignoring me. I asked him what is wrong, and he says nothing.

Finally, he admits that he is frustrated because he wants to have friends come visit from our home state but he feels like he can’t invite anyone because he knows I won’t like that. I’m not too keen about having his friends(who are all roughly 8-9 hours away) in and out of our home. I am at home 24/7 almost, primarily because of work. So, tells me his childhood friend is in a bad spot financially and he wants to help him and his family out. They are family friends and he can’t say no.

This friend(whom he probably sees twice a year at most) has a wife, 9yo son and 19yo stepson. He said they asked to stay with us for 30 days until they find a new apartment. I wasn’t too crazy about the whole situation and told him no. Maybe I’m wrong for saying that, but I’m an attractive younger female and living with this 19yo boy would be a bit weird. I cried and told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, and that I wished he wouldn’t be so harsh. He got really mad and started screaming and yelling at me and told me I was a selfish ungrateful girl. I told him I was sorry for being selfish.

The next day he calls me from work and said the family friend is coming and that they’re only going to stay for 30 days. He also assured me that the 19yo boy has a full time job, everyone has full time jobs and no one will probably be home much anyway. I said ok. Fast forward to end of June: of course the family still hasn’t found a place to stay.

The wife and the 19yo boy don’t have jobs. Both of her sons play video games all day every day. The wife just sits around the house watching tik tok and obsessively vacuuming all the hard wood floors in our home and wiping down the kitchen. I guess it was nice of her to try to keep things tidy. The friend and his wife also smoke weed at least 5x a day, in the front yard. on the weekends, it feels like they’re smoking weed all day. I don’t smoke weed, I have a job that drug tests me.

Right after this, the whole family gets COVID but they aren’t really sick, they just lay around and smoke weed, waiting for a negative test result so they can go back to work. I did not want to catch Covid, so I rented an airB&B for a few days. Everyone in the house including my boyfriend was positive. I was negative. My boyfriend said that it was wrong of me to leave, even though he wasn’t “sick”, and gave me a hard time about not being “loyal” and called me a germaphobe. He did buy me an air purifier though. I payed for every dime of the air B&B and I was also helping him pay rent for the house at the same time.

So, with this “setback” the family says they need more time to save $$ to rent their own apartment. The husband finally returns to work. About two weeks later, I see him laying around the house all week smoking weed and I find out he said he can’t go to work due to a bump on his leg. I didn’t know all the details, but it sounded like folliculitis or something of that nature. The wife starts really getting on my nerves. She asks me to do her a favor by cleaning up my coffee grounds off the counter, starts obsessively(and loudly) vacuuming around the door to my office even after I’ve asked her not to. I then overheard her complaining to my boyfriend about some white jeans I had left to on the dryer that were wet. (I was trying to get the stains out)

She started knocking on my door repeatedly for dumb reasons when it was obvious I was in a meeting, a bunch of little things like that. One weekend, they pretty much smoked weed in the front yard all day and I heard them laughing loudly out in the street after midnight. The woman told me several weeks prior that there was a new neighbor that moved in and is always staring at them.

At the beginning of august, I was so sick of the situation I just packed up my stuff and left. I got my own apartment. My bf freaks out, and I meet him for dinner one evening. He is yelling at me in the parking lot, and someone overhears and calls the police claiming “verbal abuse.” He complains to the police that I am leaving. I moved about 50 mins away, and assured him that I still loved him and would visit multiple times a week. I just didn’t want to live in that house anymore. His mom calls me and scolds me for leaving the house and asked me where I am currently at. And also that she is going to work on getting the family out of the house, so I can come back. And that I need to find a way to get out of my lease in my new apartment. She makes me feel bad for leaving.  

Today, (30 days later) he told me that these people are finally leaving and he really wants me to come back. To terminate my current lease in my new apartment and move back in the house with him. He assured me nothing like this will ever happen again and that he loves me very much. I feel so conflicted. I have family but they barely talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I know if I tell him “no”, he’s going to tell that family to stay because he doesn’t want to pay the full rent by himself. (Single male, 70k/year, rent is 2k/month)

I do still love him very much but I am afraid.  Advice anyone???

Edited September 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I would probably break up with him for his poor behavior both before the friends moved in and after. I certainly would not move back in given everything you shared. He doesn’t seem to respect you. I think it is ridiculous that he was yelling at you about the Airbnb - I wouldn’t want to get Covid either.

Were you even happy living with him? Is this a relationship you feel should continue? I think that is the most important question to answer at this point.

[OKtoday]

The thing that may have benefitted you the most was the government job with their great retirement benefits. It’s not this guy who did not care about you when you voiced your concern on several different occasions on what mattered to you. Pay attention to how people resolve conflict. It’s very important!! It’ll make it clear if they’ll make a great long term partner and be half of a successful relationship that can grow. Aim higher!! He’ll find his way with the rent money he and his mom are trying now to solve.

Edited September 1, 2022 by OKtoday

[basil67]

My advice is to question yourself on why you love this guy.  And why you still came to visit him after he treated you so appallingly.  Seriously: what do you love about him?  

If you're not on the lease for the house you shared with him, I think you should stay gone.  Sure, he's apologised now and made promises, but given his lack of care and support for you, I doubt he'll live up to those promises.   That the family would stay and help him pay rent absolves you of any guilt there so this is a blessing for you.  Also, immediately block his mother on all platforms - she has no business whatsoever telling you what you should be doing or putting guilt trips on you.  

Remember, nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not go back, and I would also not continue this relationship. 

He treats you poorly and sounds like an arse in general. What do you see in him? That's a sincere question. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, confusedandazed said:

 I just packed up my stuff and left. I got my own apartment. 

You make the right choice. The situation was untenable for so many reasons. He seems chaotic and a bit abusive.