Is it a vibe we give off? Wondering why people often struggle so much in dating (aka 'why does nobody like me?

[dnd_girl]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

I think that a lot of people don't have very realistic expectations when it comes to dating. What I mean by that, is that people expect an instant, mad hot, off-the charts chemistry on a first date. Because that is what TV shows tell us that this is what we are supposed to feel.  And when that doesn't happen, they become disappointed and move to the next in order to find that elusive chemistry. Not many realize that a dating is a long and sometimes a tedious process that takes time. It takes time to develop that chemistry, but people are expecting to be swept of their feet instantly. Many would not go on a second or third or forth date if they don't feel that instant attraction. In other words, they would not give you a chance. Not saying that you should date anybody that comes your way (you should have at least some standards) but if a person is decent enough, why not give him a chance and see what happens?

What you are describing is....normal. This is what dating is all about. Going out and meeting people, seeing what they are like. You say that you were not interested in four guys. But do you think that you gave these guys a fair chance? Maybe one out of four was a good, relationship material type of guy but you didn't want to see him again due to lack of instant chemistry. Perhaps he was too quiet and shy and didn't project himself in a right light. What do you think? Or perhaps not. 

 

Yes, that is what I am saying. If a date was decent enough, why not meet again and see what happens? 

I actually agree with meeting again. Unless I get a real creepo vibe off someone, or if I just sort of feel really uncomfortable around someone (you know sometimes you meet someone, and even just standing near them you feel sort of awkward and uncomfortable?) I will pretty much always do a second date. Then I often find i like them - not sure what it is about second dates!

 

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I can write a book on this…..I’ll be very brief here

This seems plausible and to have some validity in terms of decision-making psychology.

I'd say (generally, not to OP) there's questions of who has the "maximizing" mindset - the person who thinks "no one goes for them" or the people who they are dating. I think their own maximizing isn't something the decision maker is always fully and explicitly conscious of.

OP, I'd say 6 date attempts isn't long enough to draw too many conclusions. If you don't luck into a "satisfier" who you also find satisfactory, things can take a while.

My way of looking at this in the past has been that "settling" is how many families actually get made (something I've read in an article or two on relationships). I believe the key is to "settle" for someone who's pretty good, not just whoever comes along.

Ultimately what makes a relationship last is both partners choosing to continue it. So (although it's certainly easier said than done) whatever you can do within reason to make the other person want to continue to choose to be in a relationship with you is going to tend to be helpful. That sounds simple, but of course in reality it's anything but, as people can be very different, their needs change over time, etc. Still, it's something to keep in mind I think.

Edited September 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

Your problem is that you don't see yourself in the great way that your friend sees you. If you can internalize that praise--really believe it, not just think it's something a nice friend said--then you can be more confident and creative in dating.