Is it a vibe we give off? Wondering why people often struggle so much in dating (aka 'why does nobody like me?

[dnd_girl]

So there seem to be some people in this forum with fabulous insight and advice into dating, human behaviour etc etc.

I spoke to a male friend today (I'm female). Haven't spoken to him for ages, and he said something really nice about me being one of the most amazing people he's met. I'm sure a lot of people's friends tell them really nice things like this.

I guess my question is...if so many of us are so amazing, why do we strike out so much when dating? Particularly when meeting people that aren't necessarily better looking than us, or more intelligent etc?

Is it a vibe we give off? Is it just that our friends really like us but we've overestimated our own worth/the type of partner who would be on the same level as us intellectually etc? Or is dating a numbers game where oodles of rejection is to be expected?

Interested to hear all thoughts on why people who seem like all-round good catches can often strike out so much...

[Weezy1973]

What do you mean by striking out? There’s a pretty common theme of “the people I like aren’t interested in me and the people that are interested in me I don’t like.”

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s a pretty common theme of “the people I like aren’t interested in me and the people that are interested in me I don’t like.”

I agree.  There's only a few people, if any, that no one wants it's more of "why can't I get the ones I want."

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

So there seem to be some people in this forum with fabulous insight and advice into dating, human behaviour etc etc.

I spoke to a male friend today (I'm female). Haven't spoken to him for ages, and he said something really nice about me being one of the most amazing people he's met. I'm sure a lot of people's friends tell them really nice things like this.

I guess my question is...if so many of us are so amazing, why do we strike out so much when dating? Particularly when meeting people that aren't necessarily better looking than us, or more intelligent etc?

Is it a vibe we give off? Is it just that our friends really like us but we've overestimated our own worth/the type of partner who would be on the same level as us intellectually etc? Or is dating a numbers game where oodles of rejection is to be expected?

Interested to hear all thoughts on why people who seem like all-round good catches can often strike out so much...

I can write a book on this…..I’ll be very brief here

 

1. your friends and family are going today you are perfect/ great catch/ etc.  they are being nice.  Everyone has faults or quirks or imperfections.  With some it’s even deeper than the surface where you need to know them longer to se this.

2. many have bad pickers where they focus on some things but ignore others. Then it resurfaces later on like afterthey got married and the new car smell wore off. A corollary to this is the idea of fixing or changing them.

 

3. there have been quite a few studies done on peoples behavior and how they select people.  A big issue is many are trying to get someone out of their league. Sure it can happen but it’s not common.

 

4. how people select partners.  It’s about satisfying vs maximizing.  Manyeconomic studies show this behavior in shopping habitats of how people choose also applies to dating behavior.  Say you are in the store and they give yo samples. If it’s around 3-5. People find what they like and buy…and buy again.  If they do 15-20 samples they freeze and can’t decide on one so they pick nothing.  In shopping some are the type to shop everywhere before deciding on one…these are maximizer. A satisfyer says this is good enough even if it’s the first one they see…these are the satisfyers.  You see this especially in online dating sites where there are many matvpches to choose from.  There are a group that fears about settling.  Theyare looking fir something unrealistic thst is 110% vs the other 80%-99% thry passed over.  There is a belief that had many of these online matches happened in real life they probably woukd have lasted more than one date and probably led to marriage.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

Or is dating a numbers game where oodles of rejection is to be expected?

why people who seem like all-round good catches can often strike out so much...

It's very subjective but it seems like you are having difficulty moving forward. "Oodles of rejection" is not the way to look at it. It's more like.. most people won't be our matches, so it takes time and patience.

[basil67]

I have so much love for @Ami1uwant's comments on having too much choice.  Right up until late Gen Y and early Gen Z, meeting organically was a thing.  I'm Gen X and back in the 80's I'd strike mutual with a guy and date him for a while.  Then there would be a gap of quite some time till I found the next guy where there was mutual interest.   My now husband is the second guy I met after leaving my first husband. 

We didn't have endless choices of people to date and neither did our prospective dates.  Further, the whole FWB wasn't a thing.  If you wanted regular sex and companionship, you needed to be in a relationship.  And where I live, multi dating wasn't a thing - we just saw one person at a time until we stopped seeing them.   Some would say that we "settled".  But I don't think we did.  I think we found someone who we liked and stayed with them till it didn't work anymore...or that never happened and they became life partners.   

Of course, times have changed and as such, none of this reminiscing gives you answers.  But perhaps the takeaway is that everyone seems to be finding modern dating difficult because the amount of choice makes either you, the date or both really choosy

Edited September 1, 2022 by basil67

[princessaurora]

I have a friend who has been single for over 20 years. She has dated hundreds of men, but they all lose interest quickly. She's attractive, but kind of conceited and now in  her late 40's thinks she's way hotter than she actually is. As far as friends, she's a natural crowd pleaser, and everyone loves her. But men generally blow her off after the first date and many of her friends  are baffled why. I think it's because she sleeps with them too soon, but she she refuses to even consider that possibility.  She also gets clingy fast because she's been single so long. This is something only her closest friends know about, though. 

But it's also the very nature of online dating. People seem eager to order something else out the catalog after only wearing it once or twice. In a traditional dating situation, you may have 4 or 5 people interested in you at once, but with OLD, there are countless because of the many branches to access you (fb, instagram, dating sites, etc)  especially if you're at least an average looking woman. So if one little thing goes wrong on the date, she/he will just move on to the 75 other options they have instead of giving that person another chance.  

[dnd_girl]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  There's only a few people, if any, that no one wants it's more of "why can't I get the ones I want."

I would agree with this - seems like there are lots of potential matches, and while I'm not particularly bothered about looks etc, I find that either I am drawn to someone or not. 

[Wiseman2]

It's tough getting back out there, no doubt. Especially when looking for a match, a thousand cups of coffee with a lot of blah random strangers gets tiring.

What else you could do is join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, get a second job. Expand your social horizons.

The other very important factor is to leave all the baggage in the past. This means deleting and blocking all exes and their people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This helps with your "vibe" considerably.

[Weezy1973]

37 minutes ago, i_have_questions said:

I find that either I am drawn to someone or not. 

And are you finding that those people you’re drawn to aren’t particularly drawn to you?

[Estes]

You remind me of my sister. She's been in 2 long term relationships, neiher were satisfying to her and both men had little to do with her after the early part of the relationship.

Since the last one ended 5 years ago, she's dated countless guys and she gets rejected all the time. She'll probably be alone the rest of her life. She said to me yesterday "I'm getting a lot of activity on the dating sites this week, even have a few dates that are promising but they'll probably all be gone by next week". She's lost all self confidence.

Why? It's easy to see it and I've told her so on many occasions. She says she gets it but she continues to make the same mistakes over and over again. She meets a guy she likes, she gets impatient, anxious, insecure, and comes on too fast and too strong and she's overwhelming, and the guy loses interest and ghosts her. She says "well I'm direct and honest and I tell them how I feel and if they can't handle it they're not my guy!"

She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that dating and courtship is typically a slow process no different from fishing and if you try to pull the hook when the fish is just nibbling it's going to spit it out.

We want what's difficult to obtain, and if you throw yourself at any interested party they won't see your worth. And there's way too many other options out there for most quality people.

 

[dnd_girl]

35 minutes ago, Estes said:

You remind me of my sister. She's been in 2 long term relationships, neiher were satisfying to her and both men had little to do with her after the early part of the relationship.

Since the last one ended 5 years ago, she's dated countless guys and she gets rejected all the time. She'll probably be alone the rest of her life. She said to me yesterday "I'm getting a lot of activity on the dating sites this week, even have a few dates that are promising but they'll probably all be gone by next week". She's lost all self confidence.

Why? It's easy to see it and I've told her so on many occasions. She says she gets it but she continues to make the same mistakes over and over again. She meets a guy she likes, she gets impatient, anxious, insecure, and comes on too fast and too strong and she's overwhelming, and the guy loses interest and ghosts her. She says "well I'm direct and honest and I tell them how I feel and if they can't handle it they're not my guy!"

She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that dating and courtship is typically a slow process no different from fishing and if you try to pull the hook when the fish is just nibbling it's going to spit it out.

We want what's difficult to obtain, and if you throw yourself at any interested party they won't see your worth. And there's way too many other options out there for most quality people.

 

I think this is what I was sort of getting at! I wonder if people can sense a keenness etc.

Tbh, I really was asking more about the last time I was dating, as reading this, I think this was all definitely a factor. 

I haven't actually dated many men since my last break up. Six so far: four I wasn't interested in, one I was, and one I've seen a couple of times and may see again, who I do like, but am not sure is healthy for me (I'm trying to get out of my bad patterns).

I want to avoid falling back into bad patterns, and this is really helpful. 

[dnd_girl]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

And are you finding that those people you’re drawn to aren’t particularly drawn to you?

If I'm totally honest, this was a major problem 10 years ago when I was dating, but mainly because I had v low self worth, and honestly thought i was drawn to everyone i dated.

So far, I haven't been out with enough people to offer a strong opinion on this, but after the first guy I liked (and i think the third guy i went on a date with) sort of ghosted me, I started feeling that sinking feeling of 'here we go again'.

[dnd_girl]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's very subjective but it seems like you are having difficulty moving forward. "Oodles of rejection" is not the way to look at it. It's more like.. most people won't be our matches, so it takes time and patience.

Something else I realised the other day, there have been a few guys that weren't for me, and actually, at least one of them was a super great person, a couple of others were cool, just not my jam. So I think it's important to realise that the other way around too. Someone not wanting to date you is not necessarily about "not being good enough" (my default feeling) but about just not fitting together.

It felt like quite a breakthrough (even if it sounds pretty obvious).

[Estes]

4 minutes ago, i_have_questions said:

Something else I realised the other day, there have been a few guys that weren't for me, and actually, at least one of them was a super great person, a couple of others were cool, just not my jam. So I think it's important to realise that the other way around too. Someone not wanting to date you is not necessarily about "not being good enough" (my default feeling) but about just not fitting together.

That may be true to some extent but if - and take my sister for example- you've dated dozens if not hundreds of people over several years, and you're still single.. and there have been a few that you really liked but didn't feel the same.. well Houston we May Have a Problem!

 

 

[dnd_girl]

8 minutes ago, Estes said:

That may be true to some extent but if - and take my sister for example- you've dated dozens if not hundreds of people over several years, and you're still single.. and there have been a few that you really liked but didn't feel the same.. well Houston we May Have a Problem!

 

 

I've been on six dates so far since my break up. Four weren't for me, one I liked but disappeared, and one I'm looking to meet up with again. I will hold off from assuming I'm the problem right now, but if I'm still in this position after lots more dates, I will panic!

[Estes]

You still have plenty of time to panic.

 

[dnd_girl]

Just now, Estes said:

You still have plenty of time to panic.

 

I hope so! Ha ha

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, princessaurora said:

She has dated hundreds of men, but they all lose interest quickly

"that's the tinder"

(Cleveland Brown, "Tinder Song")

 

Forgive the goofy answer, but this is a real thing. I hear it a lot actually. People who get back into dating after leaving a long relationship, they're often shocked about how superficous and uncommitted the process has become.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lcxg5UXOCfQ&ab_channel=sandbjerg

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Will am I
Removed the preview of the youtube. It might be considered inappropriate.

[dnd_girl]

23 minutes ago, Will am I said:

"that's the tinder"

(Cleveland Brown, "Tinder Song")

 

Forgive the goofy answer, but this is a real thing. I hear it a lot actually. People who get back into dating after leaving a long relationship, they're often shocked about how superficous and uncommitted the process has become.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lcxg5UXOCfQ&ab_channel=sandbjerg

 

Yeah, I do think there is something to this. I would like to enjoy getting to know someone in a nice slow, chilled pace, but without them non stop dating other people. Not that people need to commit immediately, but maybe just decide to really see if there is something there when they meet someone they spark with, rather than constantly being on the look out for something better.

Personally, while I see the benefits of dating multiple people, I just don't really have the time, energy, or headspace. I would rather go out a couple of times with one person, then move on if it's not working, rather than try to juggle. I have found myself not really giving people a proper go while dating multiple guys, because it's so hard for me to have the headspace to get to know more than one at a time.

[Ami1uwant]

Why did you reject those after one date?

 

my rule…i outside of core value difference….if you meet and it went alright you should meet again.  Core value difference are on things like religion, wanting kids, if your outlook on life is very different, or you are at different stages of life.

[dnd_girl]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Why did you reject those after one date?

 

my rule…i outside of core value difference….if you meet and it went alright you should meet again.  Core value difference are on things like religion, wanting kids, if your outlook on life is very different, or you are at different stages of life.

With one guy, he reminded me of a family member (which was too much to get over), another was multi dating anyway, and it seemed easier not to get involved. A third, I do kind of regret, but I had a second date with someone else, and I have learned I can't multi date. 

Generally I agree - I wasn't super into my last partner after the first date, but tried a second, and really liked him. Same with someone I've just recently seen twice. I don't know why, but while I often enjoy first dates, it's not until second dates that I really notice whether I feel that certain spark.

[Alvi]

I think that a lot of people don't have very realistic expectations when it comes to dating. What I mean by that, is that people expect an instant, mad hot, off-the charts chemistry on a first date. Because that is what TV shows tell us that this is what we are supposed to feel.  And when that doesn't happen, they become disappointed and move to the next in order to find that elusive chemistry. Not many realize that a dating is a long and sometimes a tedious process that takes time. It takes time to develop that chemistry, but people are expecting to be swept of their feet instantly. Many would not go on a second or third or forth date if they don't feel that instant attraction. In other words, they would not give you a chance. Not saying that you should date anybody that comes your way (you should have at least some standards) but if a person is decent enough, why not give him a chance and see what happens?

4 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

Six so far: four I wasn't interested in, one I was, and one I've seen a couple of times and may see again, who I do like, but am not sure is healthy for me (I'm trying to get out of my bad patterns).

What you are describing is....normal. This is what dating is all about. Going out and meeting people, seeing what they are like. You say that you were not interested in four guys. But do you think that you gave these guys a fair chance? Maybe one out of four was a good, relationship material type of guy but you didn't want to see him again due to lack of instant chemistry. Perhaps he was too quiet and shy and didn't project himself in a right light. What do you think? Or perhaps not. 

 

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Why did you reject those after one date?

 

my rule…i outside of core value difference….if you meet and it went alright you should meet again.  Core value difference are on things like religion, wanting kids, if your outlook on life is very different, or you are at different stages of life.

Yes, that is what I am saying. If a date was decent enough, why not meet again and see what happens? 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Alvi

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, i_have_questions said:

With one guy, he reminded me of a family member (which was too much to get over), another was multi dating anyway, and it seemed easier not to get involved. A third, I do kind of regret, but I had a second date with someone else, and I have learned I can't multi date. 

Generally I agree - I wasn't super into my last partner after the first date, but tried a second, and really liked him. Same with someone I've just recently seen twice. I don't know why, but while I often enjoy first dates, it's not until second dates that I really notice whether I feel that certain spark.

Assume everyone is dating other people.  There are too many 2 dates and done to operate on just one at a time.

i get dating someone too similar to a sibling.  Me and my sister have done that.

Edited September 1, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[dnd_girl]

34 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Assume everyone is dating other people.  There are too many 2 dates and done to operate on just one at a time.

i get dating someone too similar to a sibling.  Me and my sister have done that.

It was the worst - I actually thought the guy attractive and interesting at first, then I noticed all these mannerisms, and the more he did them, the more he reminded me of my brother. What a shame...

Totally makes sense to assume people are dating more than one person at a time. As I said, I personally don't have the time/energy/enthusiasm for dating more than one person. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's something to do with personality/brain type, maybe it's me not being that sociable (or any number of reasons) but if I like a guy after one date, if i go on another first date while i have a second date lined up, i just can't get into the first date with the new guy. I kind of need to concentrate on one thing at a time lol.

I'm so in awe of people who are good at dating, it's impressive because I suck at it!