it is GOOD to breakup with a married person

[sadthoughts1]

Hi, I forgot my email used to create my account and so created a new one. 

I posted back in Feb:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/605258-need-some-perspective-from-others-whove-been-in-affairs/,

I had thought that was the last time, but we got back together for a few months, I can't even remember how nor why, but again I forgave him. It was the usual story. I'm just so tired and so sad. But, I am in NC again. 3 weeks in. I still get so sad. Yesterday I drove around, screamed in my car, my throat is now sore from all the screaming. I know he won't leave to be with me and I know it's a dead end. My mind just reels. He had a sort of a DDay. His wife saw a text between us where we said I love you to each other, but he played it off and somehow convinced her it was some random text. He's really good at lying - I see that now. I guess I always saw that but didn't think he'd lie to me. He wanted us to lay low for awhile. I told him we need to sit down with our spouses and just tell them what is between us. He said he couldn't and had too much at stake, couldn't do that to his kid. So, I broke up with him. He kept coming back, saying he couldn't be without me. He then said he'd work on us being together, but it just went back to the same old sh**. So I ended it. I was tired of it all. Feeling like an option, feeling stupid, feeling worthless. Meanwhile his wife had suspected nothing? I don't even want to understand his thought process anymore. My mind is so messed up right now. I know people say give it time, it's a drug, etc. I've read all these boards and yet it's just so hard. I just repeat to myself that he wasn't ever good for me. Affairs are hurtful to everyone. People need to end their relationships first before they EVER start anything with anyone. I know I am just as responsible and should have ended my M before starting things with him as well. I am equally culpable and yet I feel used. I deserve all this pain that I brought on myself. Neither of us really thought things through.

So today, I'm angry. Just downright angry at myself for letting me go down this path. I am disappointed with myself. I'm also angry at him for contacting me and keeping me in the shadows all the time, thinking that I was alright and not understanding that I was not alright no matter how many times I told him I was not alright with things the way they were. He made me sad. He made me doubt. I don't want a partner that doesn't know what being a partner is all about. It's just words lots of empty words, lots of empty promises. He wasn't there so many times I needed him. It was all just lies. 

Anyway, just felt like posting so my mind doesn't reel more. The confusing thing is it just felt like love. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. What matters is that it wasn't going anywhere. He'd never make things work between us. I think I was just there to help him pass the day, his boredom, give him love, affection, sex. I'm just so sad about the whole thing. 

For now, I'm just working on recovering from this whole thing while I put my life back together.  The relationship with my H has been bad for years and slowly we are working on divorce, trying to not create too much conflict so we can divorce amicably. I'm tired of accepting bad relationships. My kids are fine, doing well and have accepted things.

One good thing I realized is just how unhealthy my brain is, so I'm working on that, trying to be a better person.

 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like perhaps you "needed" to divorce. Unfortunate, but certainly common enough.

He doesn't sound very nice, or at least not supportive/understanding towards you, and certainly not on the same page you were on about your affair. 

Is it possible the affair helped you take the bull by the horns WRT divorcing? I.e., you needed to "know" it's possible to find someone else? I think some marriages running on "inertia" do so because one or both partners fear being lonely/single more than they are uncomfortable in the marriage. So, when they "prove to themselves" that they'll be capable of finding a new partner, i.e. via an affair, it gives them the confidence to more forward with divorcing. Just a theory, might be way off in your case...

Also

Quote

The confusing thing is it just felt like love.

"Love" (the emotional aspect) ultimately comes from inside us, not from the other person. So, people can "be in love" with the wrong person. Happens all the time, actually.

It sounds to me like you were ready for someone new (probably very ready, actually) and he fit the bill + "talked you up" which can certainly help stimulate a person romantically. But he was wrong for you and probably never had the same intentions WRT the affair.

Edited August 29, 2022 by mark clemson

[sadthoughts1]

Thanks Mark for you insight.

I think you are correct. I wanted to leave my marriage and really need to, but just didn't have the courage, didn't think there was anyone out there for me that I might meet and actually like as I'm kind of a loner and introvert and tend to push people away. 

I asked my IC long ago if it was even possible to be attracted to my H again and my IC said it was possible, but honestly I don't think so - I actually feel repulsion - sometimes I wonder when the repulsion toward him started, but maybe it was always there to some degree. 

The affair actually made me feel really happy and hopeful - that is, until it didn't. And when it didn't, I started to feel worthless and rejected and insane at points. It felt like my xMM was rejecting me constantly, leaving me to go home to his family and that no matter how many phone calls or days or nights spent together, he remained tied to a woman he claimed he did not love and who made him miserable. So I try to make sense of all this. I still get sad, but at least this way, I can move on, move forward, be okay being alone, work on myself. I need to work on myself so I don't accept bad relationships. 

Ha.. I feel alright just now and am hopeful for the first time in a long time. Facing pain is hard, but there are good moments like now that I appreciate.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, sadthoughts1 said:

  .The relationship with my H has been bad for years and slowly we are working on divorce, trying to not create too much conflict so we can divorce amicably. 

Do you have a good attorney? What exactly is "slowly working on"?

Even though everyone wants an "amicable"  divorce, it's still dissolving a legal contract including shared assets. Then there's the issue of child support, visitation and custody.

While counseling is a good way to help you navigate divorce and prepare the children, you'll still need to figure out the logistics and finances and that's not always pretty.

Don't "slowly work on" anything. Divorce is not a joint venture. It's one spouse suing the other. You're better off being the plaintiff than the defendant, so get your ducks in a row and get appropriate legal advice.

[Myabee]

22 hours ago, sadthoughts1 said:

One good thing I realized is just how unhealthy my brain is, so I'm working on that, trying to be a better person.

More often then not... this is what gets us into these messes to begin with. Glad you are seeing the light and moving in a healthier direction.

[stillafool]

The faster you divorce your husband this less depressed you will feel and will probably meet a single man who will make you happy.  You have to make the first step.

[Louise1220]

I have been in an on-again off-again relationship with a MM for almost 3 years. The quick backstory is we worked together and started off as a friends for 6 years. I had never even had a boyfriend before and always kept me guard up when it came to men. I think maybe I was trying to avoid making mistakes or getting hurt. But this MM, he was someone I could talk to and felt very natural with. He was so interested in my thoughts and perspective on things. I felt seen and understood. My feelings inevitably started to get stronger and deeper. One day we opened up to each other about how we felt. He said he had been in love with me for years and wished we could be together. But of course, he couldn’t leave his wife and kids for me. I told him I understood and I didn’t want get hurt, so I settled for the crumbs of time with him. He knew I was a virgin and that he would be my first. However, I got pregnant very quickly and we decided to move forward with an abortion. Something I truly didn’t want but also didn’t want this to screw up his life with his wife and kids. It caused me a lot of grief (still does) and I ended things after that. However, the loneliness felt unbearable and I kept going back to him. At this point, it’s the cruel hot/cold routine from him and I don’t know how to let him go. He’s been in my life for so long now that it feels like a divorce or a death. I need help through this. Thank you for listening.