sadlittlegirl Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Well it's been 5 months since we split and 3 months of serious NC. After some ups and downs, and one huge fight leading to major depression, I have finally acknowledged I'm better and happier without him. I am determined to rebuild my life better than before, but sometimes when I'm alone and tired, I remember how badly he used me and treated me. It makes me feel like rubbish and so angry that I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. At times like that, I feel like sending his wife all our chat transcripts (some very explicit) just to make his life as miserable as he made mine. I won't actually do it, because underneath my anger I know it will hurt his wife, and although I know she has told all their friends that I'm a slut who seduced her husband and thinks as badly of me as she can (to make herself feel better, I think), I still don't want to hurt her any more just to get back at him. I just hate the injustice on her part because her husband has hurt me more than she knows, and even if she does she would be happy. I don't know how to get over this anger and bitterness I have towards him. I'm also very lonely now...although I don't want to be with him anymore, I miss the happy times we had together. There is such an emptiness in my life now. My friends are supportive but they have their own lives to lead. My colleagues are extremely obsessed by relationships, marriage and children and I constantly feel like the odd one out, especially when I'm the single person at gatherings. There used to be so many guys after me when I was going out with xMM but suddenly there are none now. The little ironies of life I guess. I don't even know if I'm ready for another relationship. I was rebounding hard after the breakup but I managed to hold myself back, mainly because there wasn't anyone I was attracted to. It seems as though after the head over heels emotions with xMM, I'll never be this attracted to anyone else again. I would love to take the time to sit back, evaluate my life, and learn more about myself but it's definitely a very lonely situation sitting home alone at night. Has anyone else been through this?
Sami_D Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Just my impression: You don't sound like a 'sadlittlegirl' at all any longer. Don't be in a huge hurry to get into something new. Being the 'odd one out' when everyone is in relationships isn't such a bad thing, is it? Having reservations about leaping into something else just for the sake of it is really healthy. You sound just fine. Don't you feel that way most of the time?
OldEurope Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 . I would love to take the time to sit back, evaluate my life, and learn more about myself but it's definitely a very lonely situation sitting home alone at night. Has anyone else been through this? Sad--may I suggest a new screenname at this point?--We have all been "through this", but the point is that you should be using this "down time" to your greatest advantage, what you already stated above: and that is, to sit back and evaluate your life and learn more about yourself. No life can go forward--single, married, divorced, waiting, wanting, wishing, having--without that assessment having to take place. Another thing--let us not forget that there is something WONDERFUL about the single life. Why must everyone just groan about its apparent disadvantages? This is a time for being queen of your own house, of taking off to this country or that new city when the opportunity presents itself, of learning a new sport or language or cooking class, of working on your looks, changing experimenting. If you just slug along between boyfriends, ONLY feeling worthy because of one in your life, you are going to end up HUGELY empty one day, and it could happen even while married (in fact, it happens too often then). Don't be sad, or a "little girl" anymore, and get out there and LIVE!
Author sadlittlegirl Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Yes it's true I'm not sad (not as much as I was with him anyway) and I guess the 'little girl' bit came from the major dependency issues I had with xMM. Unfortunately right now I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what I'm unhappy about. Life should be so good now - but it isn't. OldEurope, I fully agree with what you said single life. I just can't seem to kickstart my own even though goodness knows I try. I feel like life is passing me by - I make plans with friends to go out, and usually they have to cancel because of work or relationship commitments. This makes me feel bad even though I try not to take it personally. I take part in activities, yet somehow fail to make a real connection with new people. Sometimes it gets downright depressing to try so hard to pull my life together, and I end up going home with a good book because the book can't make me feel rejected or lonely. I've been so strong about getting over xMM (yes I've been whining here but I really have! ) so why does it feel like life has put me on a backburner? Friday nights and weekends are becoming a bit of a nightmare when I want to do something but can't find company because all my friends are out with their significant others. Thank goodness I have a loving and supportive family.
Sami_D Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 You're happier without him, but life's not great (yet). That's an OK way for things to be! Or are you thinking that it was better with him? What are you thinking?
Author sadlittlegirl Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 No I wasn't thinking it was better with him. It's just sort of blah now. Maybe it sounds silly but...I thought if I could get out of that crippling relationship, there would be something wonderful in store for me.
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