He lives in another city. I like him, but it's difficult

[Amanda141]

Hi all!

In late May I went on a little weekend trip to a nearby city (2.5 hours drive, or 1.5 hours by fast train) with a friend of mine. At a restaurant, I randomly met this guy who was working there as a waiter. He immediately caught my attention as he was very good-looking. Turns out he's my age, he's writing his master thesis to be a professor, he's very nice and he also gave me and my friend some suggestions on what to do in his city. We exchanged Instagram and the following evening we all met for a drink (me, my friend, him and his friends). Then, on my last day there, we have lunch alone, but no kiss or anything else happens, even if the "date" went well, as there was a lot of banter and he gave me compliments. 

He gave me the impression of being shy, introverted and with little experience with women. He was a bit clumsy but I definitely had a great time!

I honestly thought I would never see him again, but right after our meeting he sends me a message and says that wants to come visit me in June, that I am really nice and beautiful girl and he was happy to have met me. I reciprocated 

Then nothing until the 15th of June, when he asks for my weekend plans and tells me that he and his friends are thinking about coming to my city. I reply saying that I was planning to see my friends for some drinksand they were welcome to join, and I could also show them around. However, that meeting never happened because he got sick. He said he was really sorry as he really wanted to see me and he was hoping to come soon another time.

Then, a few days later, we wished each other happy birthday as they are really close, and nothing more. At this point of course I was still going out with other guys, as I was not even sure he liked me as only a friend or something more.

Then, unexpectedly, he texts me on July 15th. He says he wants to see me the following week, and asks if he can come. I say yes and we FINALLY meet on July 19th, almost two months after our first meeting. It was really weird but also very nice! We FINALLY kissed, after having spent together the whole evening. He told me he also wanted to kiss me back in May but wasn't sure I liked him ...and guys believe me when I say that you can really see what I think just by looking at my face ahah still a mystery how he didn't get the signs.

Anyway, we sleep together and it goes kinda well, even if he was a bit nervous and rusty and even admitted he hadn't had sex in a while (honestly you could tell, he even put the condom backwards like 3 times before putting it correctly) .

We really get along. He came back to visit me the week after and it went great again (he even got better at sex). We were holding hands, talking about meeting again and laughing a lot...

Then I spent 3 weeks on holiday away from the city, and I came back here on August 16th. Unfortunately, we couldn't meet last weekend because he was on a festival, so we were supposed to meet tomorrow. I would have gone to his city and spent the whole weekend there. During these weeks we texted regularly, not every day, but when we text there are usually very long messages and he always spends nice words for me. He even told me "I am thinking about you" in my own language (I'm Italian, he's German), and said he can't wait to see me again.

Sadly, today he texted me this "Hey Amanda, how are you and how is your week?:) I am so [ ] unlucky! Since yesterday I am feeling a little bit sick, so I tested me 15 minutes ago and I am positive with Corona...Probably from the festival otherwise I don't know. I am so angry and sad because we cannot meet. I miss you really and I cannot wait, I want to kiss you again. It's a long time ago since we saw each other Hopefully I am negative in 5 days, then I will come to you!"

Of course I was sad to read this, however my gut feeling tells me he's genuine, even if we can never be 100% sure... He doesn't look like a womanizer, but rather very unexperienced and nerdy, but also very sweet and cute... anyway, it's a bit of a bummer as it passed 1 month and I still have to wait some days to see him.  

My doubt is the following: should I ask him in which direction is this going? like, of course it's too soon to make this official, I barely know him, but in 3 months that I met him I feel things are going very slow. Fair enough to say that during the summer is more difficult to meet, especially if you live in two different cities, as people go on holiday and also things can come up (like him having covid), however at least I'd like to know if this is going somewhere serious or not. At the moment I am not talking with anyone else, just him. Organising when to meet is also more difficult and it's a committment of time and money considering we live in 2 different big cities. I really like him and would like to get to know him better, but I also want to tell him that I wanna know if it's worth it...

What do you think?

thanks,

Amanda x

 

Edited August 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

He was crystal clear that he's ill and can't visit. However he seems interested in a fling and you seem to want a long distance relationship. Wait for him to get better and contact you. No, do not have relationships talks with someone you saw a few times.

Edited August 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Amanda141]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He was crystal clear that he's ill and can't visit. However he seems interested in a fling and you seem to want a long distance relationship. Wait for him to get better and contact you. No, do not have relationships talks with someone you saw a few times.

Thanks for the message. Why do you think he only wants a fling?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Thanks for the message. Why do you think he only wants a fling?

He's giving you more reasons Not to see you than to see you.

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

however at least I'd like to know if this is going somewhere serious or not

How can you tell if you even want that with him? 

You haven't spent much time together and don't know each other very well. Most of this has been digital communication, so I would take a step back and ask yourself what you'd be basing that decision on, exactly. It seems he likes you and wants to see you, so I would hold off on any relationship-oriented talks and see how the next couple meet-ups go. 

If you don't want to spend the money or make the effort to organize the trips, then you should write him on and focus on local guys that don't require that sort of invesment from the start. 

[Amanda141]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How can you tell if you even want that with him? 

You haven't spent much time together and don't know each other very well. Most of this has been digital communication, so I would take a step back and ask yourself what you'd be basing that decision on, exactly. It seems he likes you and wants to see you, so I would hold off on any relationship-oriented talks and see how the next couple meet-ups go. 

If you don't want to spend the money or make the effort to organize the trips, then you should write him on and focus on local guys that don't require that sort of invesment from the start. 

I don’t know if I want that with him but I definitely want to keep getting to know him and see if there is potential. I don’t want just random meet ups here and there let’s say

I’m super willing to spend money and time travelling to see him but I’d also like to know if he also sees me more than just a random fling

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

I really like him and would like to get to know him better, but I also want to tell him that I wanna know if it's worth it...

The only thing you can do is give it time. Time reveals all things.

My advice, continue to talk with this man but don’t invest a lot of time or money travelling to visit him if it’s not reciprocated. That will be a sign of his interest - it must be reciprocated. It’s too early to have a relationship talk, you need to get comfortable being uncomfortable in the early stages of a relationship. And uncertainty is uncomfortable - but that’s ok.  Go out with friends, date other people - don’t invest all into this long distance relationship because it’s early days and it’s complicated… it’s way too soon to know if this is going to turn into anything lasting. 

[smackie9]

if you barely get to see each other, and it becomes a huge effort to get things going, time to move on. It should be easy not hard.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/25/2022 at 11:32 AM, Amanda141 said:

I’m super willing to spend money and time travelling to see him but I’d also like to know if he also sees me more than just a random fling

You've only had to dates. It was a chance encounter. Sex does not make it a relationship. If he is equally willing to continue then he seems interested. However he may realistically feel this is fun for now because the distance is an expensive hassle on the long run..

[basil67]

I'd have this conversation if your visits with him get more frequent and the two of you start making plans together for future things (dates, holidays etc).  But at this point, it's far too early.

Something I noticed (note: I am not in academia, so I am open to correction)  but you said he's doing a master's thesis to be a professor.   Thing is, he wouldn't skip from masters to professor.  Rather, he'd first have to do a Ph.D. then he'd have to work towards being a professor.  Now, this could me a misunderstanding due to translation between your languages.   But if there's no translation issue, and my understanding is correct, then you would do well to check that he's not misrepresenting himself.

Also, I'm laying money that this guy was a virgin and he did lie about that.

Edited August 28, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

Also, why is he working in a restaurant and not in his field?   There are a few too many holes in his story

[BrinnM]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Thing is, he wouldn't skip from masters to professor.  Rather, he'd first have to do a Ph.D.

Not in Germany, or wherever he’s located in the EU. There’s no PhD in European universities. So you do your master’s, write your thesis and can be an assistant prof right away. And it’s not uncommon to have a “side job”/evening job (like waiting tables) while writing a thesis.

Edited August 28, 2022 by BrinnM

[basil67]

Ah, yes - 'assistant professor' makes more sense.   Thanks @BrinnM