jenny 73 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) Hi, some of you may know a bit about me. I am female, 28, getting my PhD in engineering in CA in about a year. I have moved to the US around 5 years ago and have been here ever since. I have not had many great dating experiences, best cases took a couple months and were broken off mostly by the guy telling me we dont have a spark. I am learning more about myself and working on myself to be happy on my own and I am fine not having had any relationships these past 5 years. Yesterday, I heard from my mother, that someone has asked my family if I may want to be introduced to a guy who is also in CA and well-established. Came here much earlier than me and is from my culture/country. However, he is 40 and I just cant get my head around dating someone with this huge age difference. I mean, i understand it comes down to how that person really is, not a number. So technically, it might be worth seeing them. However, I have only dated guys ranging from 2 years younger to 4 years older max. This is way out of my territory. I asked for a day or two to get back to them but I just cant convince myself to go on this date even though there is no commitment, it is just a date. Also, I have been worried now, that what I dont find anyone thats a better fit at all? My parents who told me about this, might have assumed this is a good chance and maybe think I wont find a better match? I We are a very small family who have migrated to the US and I think my parents are worried that me and my brother end up alone in future, even though they dont talk about it. Any advice appreciated! Edited August 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator correct title Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny 73 Posted August 25, 2022 Author Share Posted August 25, 2022 forgot to mention that this guys is looking for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 12 years is a big gap if you're 20, but at 28, the gap isn't so significant. That said, if you don't want to go, then don't feel obliged to go. And honestly, you probably won't have a good time if you're not in the right frame of mind to start with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 31 minutes ago, jenny 73 said: I just cant convince myself to go on this date even though there is no commitment, it is just a date. The two of you are probably not a good match in a long run if you have to convince yourself to go on one single date with him. Sounds like you'd rather go to a dentist and have your tooth pulled rather than go meet him just once. If his age is a dealbreaker for you, then it is a dealbreaker for you. You don't have to justify it. 35 minutes ago, jenny 73 said: forgot to mention that this guys is looking for marriage. That's good, I suppose. But was he married or had a long term relationship before the ripe old age of 40? If not, there could be red flag. I've met quite a few guys past 40 who were never in a relationship before that. Sure, they want to get a GF or to get married. But the reality is that they are all set in their ways already and have no clue what a real relationship entails. Just something for you to consider. 51 minutes ago, jenny 73 said: My parents who told me about this, might have assumed this is a good chance and maybe think I wont find a better match? You may or may not find a better match but it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself to settle for this guy. It is not always wrong to settle for someone, as long as you are relatively happy with that person. You could always meet him once. Seriously, what the worst that can happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: forgot to mention that this guys is looking for marriage. In the USA…him bring 40 and you 28 is not culturally here and sort of red fled. but it’s about your comfort level. As you said you have a window of ages difference you are looking stand thst sign you have isn’t stall unusual notpr unreasonable. When I was your sge that was the general with women it was generally 2 yr younger to about %4 yrs older. the other factor is pressure from family and potential arranged/ setup marriages. When I was your age I felt family pressure about marriage from relatives the question I have fir you….what have you been doing to try and meet men? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, jenny 73 said: I just cant get my head around dating someone with this huge age difference. I would have a difficult time with this age gap. To each their own, it just would not be for me. At this stage of your life, you are young and possibly wanting to start a family, there is so much life ahead of you. I know it’s hard to keep the faith when things haven’t always worked out in the past - but don’t settle. That’s my advice, if it doesn’t feel good to you, it’s not right. You don’t need to feel badly about that. It’s your life, you make the decisions. If there is one thing I have learned with certainty in my own life it is, there is always something completely unexpected around the corner… Edited August 25, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 I think you are making a way bigger deal about his age than it needs to be. I don't think 28 and 40 is that big of a deal. You could go on one date with him and see if you find him attractive and if you have chemistry. If you don't feel it, then don't see him again. If you truly just don't even want to consider this guy, or if you have it in your mind that you don't want to date guys that much older than you, then you have every right to set those boundaries and not go out with this guy at all. Don't do it if you don't want to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 Hi op , for some that would be fine, other's not. Thing is your not feeling comfortable or good about any of it so your best to just go with that and just give it a pass imo. Usually going against yourself with anything in life pretty well pans out just the way you were worried it would. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 10 hours ago, jenny 73 said: forgot to mention that this guys is looking for marriage. Does your family, country/culture practice arranged marriage? If so, why not meet him and see if you like him? Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose by agreeing to a date. Who knows. You could look back and consider it one of the best decisions you ever made. Edited August 25, 2022 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 Grand parents were this same age gap and lasted 45 years until he passed on. I do not think this age gap is that great, but it is at the upper end. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) I don't think at the age of 28 that 40 is a large age gap either; but if your heart is set on a young, good looking man (not that a 40 year old man can't be good looking), you won't be happy. Edited August 25, 2022 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Akasha41 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 There's a split mindset of "giving someone a chance" vs "not wasting someone's time." If you truly don't feel comfortable based on the age gap, then nothing else needs to be said and you're absolutely entitled to make decisions when it doesn't feel right for you. There's definitely a lot of stigma/conceptions when it comes to age gaps and I don't think they really matter as much when it's late 20's and beyond, but I will say that from my experience it's important to remember that emotional intelligence and age are NOT exclusive to each other and that goes both ways, younger or older. I can say what I'd be comfortable with, but what matters is what YOU are comfortable with. I can sense the conflict of you saying you've been fine not being in relationships over the last few years but also the perception (whether your family actually thinks this or if you believe they think it) that being alone is a not-so-great fate. There's the whole aspect with womanhood of course when it comes to biological clock/marriage and kids if those are even things that you want, but it can be difficult when you're trying to figure it all out for yourself and then have others around you project what they THINK happiness is for you; folks tend to confuse "alone" with "lonely" all the time. All that plus subpar dating experiences can make you feel doubtful. You said that you've spent more time learning about yourself which is really the best thing you can do and a lot of that also comes from putting yourself out there; learn what you want and don't want. Learn what are your major deal breakers and what you could be open to. If you're not ready for marriage now but maybe someday or simply don't want it, those are very important distinctions. My humble opinion is people don't complete one another, but they do compliment each other and happiness is the same: it's not found solely or entirely in a person, but it can be heavily affected by that person. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 Nothing wrong with meeting the gentleman Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 the age gap is not "terrible" and no one is going to think you are an awful person for dating someone that is 40 when you are 28. however, if the number alone turns you off, then you shouldn't feel like you have to. if you are ok with it, maybe meet him and see if you're attracted to him. 40 doesn't mean they are wrinkled and dying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 Having been in relationships with similar age gaps and married to a woman 10 years younger, age isn’t a big deal but life stage and life experience is. If you’ve gone from living at home straight to university and still in university, it’s very likely you won’t be able to relate much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) This sge gap is approx that of my “ niece” and her fiancé. Whrn thry started dating they we’re about those ages. Right now she just turned 32 and he is I think 42 sbout to turn 43. Edited August 25, 2022 by Ami1uwant 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 27, 2022 Share Posted August 27, 2022 (edited) It depends on how much younger he looks/ acts at his age, and that he takes care of himself/physically fit. My office manager regretted the age gap because her husband's health declined and he eventually died. She was his nursemaid for 4 years, at the end spent months juggling her job and going to the hospital every night. Now she has no one to enjoy her retirement with. Not saying it happens with every case, but it's a risk you take. Edited August 27, 2022 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny 73 Posted August 29, 2022 Author Share Posted August 29, 2022 Thank you all I appreciate you support and kind comments and what you shared 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kleaners Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 If you're not comfortable with the age difference, nobody is forcing you to go out with the guy. I don't think the gap is that big of a deal, but I'm a 44-year-old male who still has his sights set on starting a family, which means finding someone who isn't opposed to an age difference. A friend of mine is married to a guy who is about 20 years older than her. They're both quite happy. It's all about meeting the right person you connect with. Age is just a number. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ironpony Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 (edited) I'm 38 and my gf is 22, so I'm pretty open to age gap dating. It's good if your parents do not have a problem with the idea of a larger age gap romance. But if you do not feel like going on a first date, then you don't have to oblige them on that. Edited August 30, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 To me it sounds more than just an age thing though op , personally l think that's fine for some and has been for me too. You just seem troubled about all of it though and edgy about him too , not just an age thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts