LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Posted August 22, 2022 I filed for divorce from my husband of 11 years after finding out he was having an affair. We have 2 kids. It's strange as we maneuver through this process, the selling of our home, our bills, our kids, all the while, I look at him and he seems to be a stranger. He's deep into his relationship with this other woman, and appears to be unfazed. I wonder if he ever cared about me, our kids, our life. Is this normal what he's done?
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 He denied it and still does. I found out because he sat in front of me chatting with her, where i could see that she was sending him pictures, of herself. I've always known that he had issues with boundaries and values, as what was important to me was never important to him. He would have video chats with her, (inappropriate ones) in our bedroom. Yet, he didn't care if I saw them. I felt that he held so much contempt for me, and yes, I had my own trust issues, as he had committed crimes in the past, yet, here I was, still married to him.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 You're right. I've known that he wasn't right from the beginning but I fell in love with him. He was very calm and a great listener, but once I was pregnant, I found out he had committed his first major crime, then it was a domino effect after that. And I had already lost all trust in him. He could never own up to his mistakes, and just kept telling me to "get over it". So here we are, he had been lying about everything, including how much he was making, and then met this woman. They seem to be of the same character, as they had both agreed to divorce their spouses on the same week. But I filed once I read that.
stillafool Posted August 22, 2022 Posted August 22, 2022 Yes it's normal in your position to wonder about his feelings when you were married. It doesn't sound like that was his first affair. Anyway, just enjoy your daughters and when you're ready start meeting new guys. How long have you been divorced?
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 I just filed a month ago. You could be right, in that this isn't the first time he's had an affair. I questioned what I had done over and over. It's been difficult to live with him knowing what I know about him and having him never owning up to anything. As for dating, I don't know that I will ever do that. This has been too hard.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 Thank you! That’s what I’m doing now, focusing on my kids.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 Yes, it’s been me pleading with him to let us work on our communication. He was extremely passive aggressive and would ignore me for days then it became weeks then recently months. We shared the same bed which was very awkward until the end, and I couldn’t understand why.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 (edited) I've realized, through alot of therapy, that I wanted to help him. I see lots of people who have this tendency of gravitating to people who have their issues. I saw in him, a lost soul. I just didn't realize this vindictiveness in him, until after we were married. The way he would ignore me, the way he would dismiss me, or make a unilateral decision, then ignore me again if I ask why he didn't tell me he was going to do it. The immaturity was there. Yet throughout our marriage, he was constantly telling me that it was my fault, my doing, and I found myself apologizing over and over. Edited August 22, 2022 by LisaBrooks 1
stillafool Posted August 22, 2022 Posted August 22, 2022 Well now you know to stay away from lost souls if you do get involved with another man. You are well rid of him. I too think it was extremely awkward sharing a bed with a man who was cheating on you with another woman. Why was that? I'd rather have slept on the floor.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 He wouldn't leave the room, and I refused to sleep elsewhere. There's a part of me that is happy to finally be away from me, and another part of me that romanticizes the part of him that I thought existed.
stillafool Posted August 23, 2022 Posted August 23, 2022 2 hours ago, LisaBrooks said: I just filed a month ago. You could be right, in that this isn't the first time he's had an affair. I questioned what I had done over and over. It's been difficult to live with him knowing what I know about him and having him never owning up to anything. As for dating, I don't know that I will ever do that. This has been too hard. How long has he been with the other woman? 2 hours ago, LisaBrooks said: It's been difficult to live with him knowing what I know about him and having him never owning up to anything. Well telling you to "just get over it" and texting her while in bed with you was him owning up to it. Glad you finally realized that and let him go.
stillafool Posted August 23, 2022 Posted August 23, 2022 1 minute ago, LisaBrooks said: He wouldn't leave the room, and I refused to sleep elsewhere. There's a part of me that is happy to finally be away from me, and another part of me that romanticizes the part of him that I thought existed. Well continue to remember how he put her before you and the kids and chose her in the end. Better things are ahead for you guys.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 As far as I could tell, it was at least since April of this year. I believe they met online in some forum as I saw a drafted message to a forum that he had written informing a group that his marriage had ended. She lives in another state. It was excruciatingly painful to read what they were telling each other to say and do to their respective spouses. He was telling her to leave her husband and what to say and she was telling him to leave me penniless and homeless so that I could lose custody of my kids. It was very telling what kind of person he needed all along.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 I hired a new attorney and I believe she is good. I had no idea that he was planning anything until I accidentally came across his signed rental lease and attorney retainer agreement, from months prior. And even when I confronted him, he just said nothing. He's always been this way, when confronted with anything, he says nothing and I look like a paranoid person asking him why. 1
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 Thank you for your kind words. I don't know if they feel any remorse. Would my STBX feel any? I don't think so. The picture that he's painted to this other woman is one of a victim who was married to a controlling woman. He hadn't told her anything of his past, anything of his criminal history. 1
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 Thank you. My kids are my joy. 1
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 It feels strange living in a new place. I hope and pray it will get easier with time.
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2022 Posted August 23, 2022 13 hours ago, LisaBrooks said: as he had committed crimes in the past, yet, here I was, still married to him. Sorry this is happening. Protect yourself and your children. Have you filed for divorce? Why is he pleading? Stay steadfast in your endeavors to protect yourself your children your assets and your mental and physical health. Ask him to move out. He doesn't have to until the divorce is settled, but at least try to get him away from you and your children.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 We're both moved out into our respective places. He doesn't see anything that he's done, as wrong, and it's disturbing. I've filed for a divorce and now waiting for him to respond so we'll see. I'm hoping to have everything over and done. I know it'll all take time.
Alvi Posted August 23, 2022 Posted August 23, 2022 12 hours ago, LisaBrooks said: Thank you for your kind words. I don't know if they feel any remorse. Would my STBX feel any? I don't think so. The picture that he's painted to this other woman is one of a victim who was married to a controlling woman. He hadn't told her anything of his past, anything of his criminal history. Look at the bright side here OP. He is almost out of your life and he is this woman's problem to deal with now. Sooner or later she is going to have a rude awakening are realize that this guy is a total fraud. It may not happen soon enough for your liking, but a good news is that this lousy individual is going to be out of our life. 1 hour ago, LisaBrooks said: We're both moved out into our respective places. He doesn't see anything that he's done, as wrong, and it's disturbing. You can't control how he feels or to change him. This is who he is. All you can do is to take the best possible care of yourself and your children. Hopefully, you'll be able to divorce him soon, with a minimal fuss. If possible, get some counseling for yourself and your kids. P.S. Don't be surprised if one day he shows up at your doorstep if things don't work out between him and this new woman. THEN he is going to appear to be remorseful for a bit till going back to his old ways. It is not going to be wise to take him back.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 You're right. There's a part of me who wants to tell her what he has done as far as his criminal charges, but on the other hand, I don't want to. She will probably never know as he won't tell her. His crimes involve children so it wouldn't be in his best interest to tell as she has kids of her mine. I didn't find out until recently by accident after finding his paperwork.
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2022 Posted August 23, 2022 2 hours ago, LisaBrooks said: His crimes involve children so it wouldn't be in his best interest to tell as she has kids. I didn't find out until recently by accident after finding his paperwork. When speaking with your attorney, make sure you get full custody with supervised visitation only.
Author LisaBrooks Posted August 23, 2022 Author Posted August 23, 2022 I did tell my attorney, however the crimes occurred overseas and have been expunged so I have no proof.
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