curly Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I figured I would start a new thread for those in NC from MM. I wasn't part of your beginning as MM had left W for the 4th time. But he imposed NC on Oct. 12. He said that it was b/c he couldn't handle my emotions with what he was going through but I've since found that he went back. I am beyond in pain. It's all I think all about. I want to start getting better. I've been in the absolute depression mode, not going out really and not eating, not sleeping enough, etc. Just wanted some words of wisdom from those of you doing this at the same time. How do you pick yourself up when all you want to do is crawl in a hole and die?
Sami_D Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Well, I can't say they're 'words of wisdom'. And I broke NC yesterday morning so I'm not doing all that well. All I can say is that I'm almost eating again and sleeping (it helps that a lot of my worries of the first week's NC were put to rest by texting him). I know I'm prone to depression, and only stopped taking medication for my recent bout (following my Mother's death) earier in the year. I believe that these 'negative' emotions have to happen... so just let them happen, don't panic, and get through to the (relative) stillness just the other side. Try not to see them as 'negative', but rather as something that's being experienced, try not to hold on to them. Same with thoughts... I go through so many different thoughts, points of view, worries, hopes, in the space of an hour (reading here doesn't really help me either, because it just sets me off on another bout of concern in another direction most of the time). I just let them happen, and pass. I don't think that these emotions or thoughts, at this confusing, unsettling time, have any reality (if that makes sense)... the mind and body is reeling, trying to fix on something, throwing up scenarios and possibilities... Then, on the practical side, try to do what people recommend for depression and dwelling on things. Get out and walk. Change your scenery. Watch something distracting (comedies, childrens programmes, anything that will take your mind off things for a short while). When emotions well up, let them happen. When you think something negative, let it happen. Don't panic; don't fear it. You can get through it. And finally, try not to think of the past or the future, but just these few minutes that you need to exist in. It's all we ever have anyway, really.
foolinlove Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Curly I understand where you are coming from with your doubt and feelings of hurt after MM leaves W then returns and leaves you more confused and more heartbroken all over again. My MM has left 2 times...now on his 3rd. I was on top of the world for 10 months when he left the second time...I thought he would FINALLY make his life right for himself. Not just for ME or for him, but also for his W, he claims to not be in love with her....and with that I think she deserves happiness from someone who can love her whole heartedly. Then my world came crashing down when he went back to live with her....then again..this month he left. But this time...I'm not setting myself up for disappointment.....I decided when he left that I would support him, however....our conversations only leave me feeling confused and uncertain about the future. I also have my guard up because I feel like he will return to her at any time. I truely believe I am better when we do NC. As much as it hurts and as much as I miss him, he needs to sort out his life....then and only then can I be happy with any type of relationship with him. I try to stick to NC and he breaks it by contacting me...feeding me all the BS he always has....not understanding why I won't speak to him if he has left. Not knowing that I don't trust him and that he may go back to her anytime. When trying to make him understand doesn't work, he starts with manipulation in order to get what he wants. I'm physically and mentally tired of this game.... Curly honestly I think that even if he did leave again and he had contact with you.....YOU would be very untrusting and suspicious of his motives and those insecurites do not make for a healthy relationship. I feel like i'm damned if I do damned if I don't right now. I truely understand as does every OW on this forum your feelings right now....the best thing you can do is pick yourself up the best you can and move on with your life. If it was meant to be....it will be. There are some OW who since beginning of month met new people who have introduced them to a whole new perspective on life. If you are closing yourself off to the world, you can never give yourself this opportunity for growth and HE WINS!! Stand tall, hold you head up, smile....and be opened to what life has to offer you! I'll try to take my own advice! October NC Girls, lets keep up the support!!
Sami_D Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Curly October NC Girls, lets keep up the support!! Amen to that!
lust4life Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 he claims to not be in love with her....and with that I think she deserves happiness from someone who can love her whole heartedly what is is you think you deserve? he isn't whole heartedly anywhere especially in his actions. Staying no contact may be much easier if you believed you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly also. Good luck ladies and may you have many self-reflective days with less wonderment about what he thinks and more fulfillment from what YOU think.
NewUser Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Hey All: Day 15 of NC for me. I go from moment-to-moment in terms of how I feel. I ultimately know this is the very best thing for me in that my relationship with the MM could be likened to the most nauseating of roller coaster rides. That brings me to my next point: I've been reading a lot of posts on the "Coping" forum, and I came across one about narcissists and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I was drawn to the "Coping" forum because, honestly, I can't figure out why I am still obsessing over a man who 1) was never mine, but put me through paces and emotional upheaval and made me work hard for what amounts to nothing more than a pseudo-relationship and 2) was willing to keep me a secret and on the sidelines of his life whenever it suited his purpose and 3) never, ever showed me the love and respect I deserve (by offering me sloppy seconds, for instance). How can it be that -- after 20 months of ups and downs (mostly downs) and knowing what it feels like now to have to 1) grieve the loss of a relationship and 2) recover my self-esteem and self-confidence after having sacrificed my principles to be involved with him. Interestingly, I found a lot of good information on the "Coping" forum about NPD in its varying degrees and I wanted to suggest that maybe every OW should at least take a look. If you think about it, cheating MM are the epitome of selfishness and egoism and it is quite possible that they all have NPD in some form or another. I'm not looking for excuses for my behavior or my love for this man, believe me. I put myself there of my own free will and hung on long after I should have cut my losses and run. Yet, still, I have pangs and I think about him all the time (and this infuriates me!) and the possibility that my ex MM has NPD is very real. It also explains how I (and probably alot of us OW) can be an intelligent, independent woman and still make the unwise decision to involve myself with a MM and still love him even after he hurt me time and time and time again. Stick with NC ladies. It is tougher on some days than others, but well worth it. I've seen it written here before and the best reason for NC is taking care of yourself and gaining perspective. A secondary benefit to NC is that you are setting someone free who may or may not come back to you. We all know the drill for either of those scenarios.
Author curly Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 I, like Sami, have 5 million thoughts that go through my head in any given hour. Some positive, some negative. The jealousy, the rejection, not knowing what's happening, if he's portraying me as the seducer, etc..... that kills me. But I'm thinking about dusting myself off. I'm going to some singles events and on websites searching for more events. Not really trying to date anyone, at least seriously, but just need to get out of the house. I'm crawling the walls. Here's an article I found that really spoke to me. It's regarding an abused wife and getting strong, but I think it totally relates to the OW situation. I have told my xMM in the past that this has been an extremely abusive relationship. I'm sure a lot of you would agree. The push/pull, back & forth, keep me on string has just made me wish for a punch in the face. I can heal from that. What he's done has been so hurtful. I've been in a physically abusive situation and I found it easier to leave than this one. http://singlesstop.com/advice/publish/DT_Break_Free.shtml Hope the url works. Thanks for your support too.
TiredOfWaiting Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 FoolInLove - same here. My xMM also breaks NC all the time. I get so mad because I think "What about all the times all I wanted was to speak to you, and you switched off your phone, or hung up on me?" And now I must just be there for him when he calls????! I know part of the reason for the calls is to check up on me, to see whether I am with someone else. song lyrics removed by moderator
Sami_D Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 If you really want to be in NC with him, have you thought of changing your numbers and other contact details? Any man who doesn't respect your need to be away from them, when it's them who is not free, is just behaving so badly.
Author curly Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 I'm having one of the worst days... I miss him so terribly. My best friend called me at 6am this morning to tell me her father had a massive heart attack and died in the middle of the night. She lives in Florida, I live in New Jersey so I can't be with her right now. The thing is this.... my own father died in May of this year after battling cancer for 1.5 years. I miss my father a lot. Her father was 58. MM will be 53 in December. I have ten thousand things going on in my head. Her father dying has set off my own grief about my dad. And all I want to do is talk to MM. But I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me. I know that he would talk to me in this case but he lied to me. He went back to his W even though he swore this time was different. I'm not even sure if he knows that I know he went back. Help, talk me down..... My best friend would be the one I would call right now but she's obviously got her own troubles to deal with.
gevoraksix Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 I am Nc since 9/29. Except when he has interupted ,by showing up he called 1x i did not answer. It gets better i was driving yesturday and there was 1car ahead of me then him(at least for once i knew he wasnt stalking:lmao: ) My heart was beating so fast i was nervous inside ,i saw him turn off to go home & i kept going my way home . But when i got home i thought of him non stop ,did not weaken & contact him. It gets easier i do still love him & miss him but less & less i think of him. Hes not my whole purpose anymore i like being alone actully ,not shaving my legs:lmao: ,not dressing up for him ,not having to rearrange my schedule to spend time with him . I want the real deal all or nothing ,right now is me time & im enjoying it! Even though im about to be unemployed:mad: but ill make it,everything happens for a reason everything is getting torn down so i can rebuild fresh new ,scarey yes but i embrace all the feelings. Freedom,fear,appreshensin ,excitement,what am i going to do . all of it is for a reason,a lesson ,a purpose i believe ! And i believe everything will be ok for me soon !
foolinlove Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Curly I am so sorry you are hurting over your dad and your friend's loss. It is very understandable that this would raise all kinds of emotions in you. When I grieve for the ones I've lost...I allow myself time for reflection on when they were here. Things we did, conversations had, I don't think about what we will not have...because I cannot change that...I take the time to remember..because you will always have those moments and remembering them from time to time will keep your father alive within you. Its natural to want comfort from someone you love....and curly soon you will have that. If you try to move on..you will open yourself up to opportunities with new people. And then the day will come when the man who WANTS to be there for you will. Keep thinking of that outcome and not the outcome of MM. You gave him what you could...he chose not to take it...don't shut down someone else who is looking for a loving person in their life. Try to get your mind off of him..even if its for a part of a day, and then...over time he will be out of your mind completly. Good luck...and we are here for you.
Author curly Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 I'm feeling better today. The overwhelming anxiety and grief has passed. I'm now just sad. I am proud of myself that I did not contact MM. It was so very close. Luckily, I had a therapy appointment last night after work so I was able to hold on until then. And my doc helped me to calm down a bit. It helps to talk to someone who understands what you're going through and doesn't pass judgement. Funny, my therapist has a large # of patients now or in the past that have been through the OW phase. He does really understand but says that it rarely works out on the OW side. It is almost 99.9% of the time that the OW is left with the broken heart. I also find that it helps if I don't drown my sorrows in alcohol. The alcohol, while it makes me sleepy and calms me down somewhat (sometimes), it really makes the next day a bear to endure. My anxiety seems increased. I do look forward to the day when I can open myself up to someone that will want to be there for me. I have an xH that still wants to reconcile but I know that that relationship is also toxic for me. I care for my xH, and love him, but just know that it won't work. So, the added difficulty in getting over MM is that I have to walk away from xH (again) even though he offers companionship and some support. Just not enough for me. Lots of changes in my life right now. I miss MM very much. But I am moving forward. I try not to look back on what could have been. I was invited to a happy hour tonight (Friday night) with former work friends. I would really like to go but there is a risk that MM would be there. I'm not strong enough to face him. All the feelings will come rushing back and I just can't trust myself to either not make a scene or be so obvious that I will be embarrassed. So, I'm not going. Have to fight that temptation as well..... Life is difficult right now.
newbby Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 you will get through this curly. sami d offered you some good advice for coping with your emotions etc. life is difficult right now but you are accepting that, so you will get through it quicker.
Author curly Posted October 31, 2005 Author Posted October 31, 2005 Well, I ended up going to the happy hour because a girlfriend convinced me that he wouldn't be there and I should just get out and be social. He showed up. He cornered me to talk. The only new thing is that he is back home, which I knew, he sayd it's only out of convenience (yeah, right) because he couldn't stay with his daughter any longer. He asked to read a letter he had written over the last weeks. It was all about how much he loves me, misses me, can't be the man I need, can't be strong enough to do what he wants, how unworthy of me he is, etc. It made me so sad. Unfortunately, we were both very drunk and 1 thing led to another... we spent the weekend together. It was, as always, an amazing time. The connection, the chemistry... all of it was right back. We left it on Sunday that we would no longer talk. We both cried and said goodbye. I'm fairly calm this morning. I know it's the right thing to do... OK, that's not true. I think that we should be together, that's the right thing for both of us. He, obviously, does not think he is right for me. So, the only thing to do is to walk away. And keep walking. I miss him so much right now. All I want to do is talk to him. He even said something over the weekend about how he wishes that we could remain friends because I am his best friend. He knows that we can't do that to each other because the physical side would always come up. And if I'm emotionally attached to him, I can't meet anyone else. He wants me to meet someone else who doesn't bring pain and confusion to my life. He wants me to meet someone who I can have children with, raise a family, etc. He's already done that but I haven't. However, I'm not even sure I want kids at this point. I've told him this but he doesn't believe me. Anyway, I guess it boils down to the cliche line of - "it's not you, it's me" problem. But everyone knows that that is usually not true. It is you - the person getting dumped. Ugh... sorry for babbling... Just wanted to vent. Again, I've heard the advice and I'm trying to keep busy. I just would like to not feel the panic of "I'll never meet anyone ever again. I will live my life alone!" It's a terrible feeling. I've been wracking my brain trying to find ways to meet people, even if it's single girlfriends. All my friends are married. Any ideas? FYI - I'm 37 (not 22 & in college). 37 is difficult to get out and meet people.
newbby Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 curly, i am sorry but i have become very cynical about mm. it sounds like manipulation to me. i think you got that too anyway. 37 is still young!!
cherrie498 Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Curly reading your post makes me wonder, your MM newly back home to "fix" everything....WHY IN THE HELL would he be out at a bar??? What do you think it really is... All of our MM leave....well ATTEMPT to leave & go back. BUT never let us the OW go... Ok I know 1st response "cakeman" want thier cake & eat it too... I do NOT believe that. I believe that some (my) MM are really just STUCK. Leaving your family....just your home that you worked for & your C is enough to make anyone hesitate!! how many here would leave their children? I wouldnt, IF I had C & H I cant say that I would leave. I just want to know theories here... My MM reasoning- KIDS Has anyones MM left to go home b/c of the W?? & if so do you still have contact??
Author curly Posted November 2, 2005 Author Posted November 2, 2005 My MM has 3 kids but they are all grown & out of the house. He goes back for all kinds of reasons... he's too scared to change his life, he thinks I'm too good for him, he thinks he'll never make me happy, etc. Basically, it comes down to this - if he is conflicted about leaving his marriage, especially since he's lived with it for 33 years, he's never leaving. The W knows about me and knows that I've never really left the scene. Obviously, she's willing to just wait me out. She'll keep her status quo. She won't get divorced and she'll live with this man that has lied and cheated her and continues to pine for another woman. Sounds like a wonderful life. They don't leave. Unfortunately, rarely do the OW until the MM is finished kicking her heart around. Sometimes they are cake eaters, sometimes not. I don't think my MM is a cake eater, he's just confused and caught up in the drama.
lust4life Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Hey, once he screws you over, twice it's your own fault. Give up the idealistic, slanted, attitude and thought that any adulterous relationship is going to be great SOMEDAY. Get in touch with YOU and forget MARRIED PEOPLE as your partners -unless you are married to them. YES, it is that simple. Make it simple for youself.................................. XXXXOOOOXXXX
elmejor Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 ... Give up the idealistic, slanted, attitude and thought that any adulterous relationship is going to be great SOMEDAY... Um, where have YOU been, lust4life? Adulterous relationships CAN and DO result in the MM leaving the W for the woman he truly loves...a web search turns up plenty of examples in a few seconds...I'd post the multitude of names I know who are NOT famous, but you wouldn't recognize any of them! A few shrewish types of wives in these forums keeping insisting that H NEVER leave their W for the OW "it doesn't happen, it will never happen, GIVE UP, OW, HE'LL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU!"... etc. etc.... I think they are just bitter, angry wives posting their deepest wishes, and though out of touch with reality, they seem to believe their own ridiculous proclamations, how sad... Just a few famous women who fell in love with married men, who also fell in love with them----(it DOES happen, that's the reality, wives) Julia Roberts Angela Jolie Melanie Griffith Elizabeth Taylor--(overachiever) ha ha
erika2610 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Um, where have YOU been, lust4life? Adulterous relationships CAN and DO result in the MM leaving the W for the woman he truly loves...a web search turns up plenty of examples in a few seconds...I'd post the multitude of names I know who are NOT famous, but you wouldn't recognize any of them! A few shrewish types of wives in these forums keeping insisting that H NEVER leave their W for the OW "it doesn't happen, it will never happen, GIVE UP, OW, HE'LL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU!"... etc. etc.... I think they are just bitter, angry wives posting their deepest wishes, and though out of touch with reality, they seem to believe their own ridiculous proclamations, how sad... Just a few famous women who fell in love with married men, who also fell in love with them----(it DOES happen, that's the reality, wives) Julia Roberts Angela Jolie Melanie Griffith Elizabeth Taylor--(overachiever) ha ha I will say.. most of the posts I read from you are pretty defensive. Are you really a happy other woman? And yes, SOME MM leave the W for the OW. But not alot I'm sorry to say. Maybe they originally leave the W for the OW. But 9 times out of 10, they end up going back to the W.
elmejor Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Erika, MY posts are defensive? OMG, you must be kidding! I am a happy woman. I'm not anybody's "other" anything. I don't like to talk a lot about my personal life here, but trust me I am a lover, not a fighter, big time! LS is highly entertaining, though quite irritating at times, particularly when wives keep bashing OW with condescending statements such as, "He will NEVER leave his wife for you," etc. In reality, their statements are baseless. By the way, I can name ten marriages ending in divorce where the husband left the wife for the OW, and ZERO of them went back to the wife. I like Reality, not made-up statements presented as fact, made by women apparently trying to worry less about someone "stealing" "their" man. I've made no secret that I'm no big fan of marriage. To me, marriage means no freedom. I like to be free to love whomever I wish. Some wives bother me here because they ALWAYS BLAME THE OW when they find themselves married to a man who is unfaithful. Hello? If he is happy in his marriage, why does he stray? Maybe, just maybe he isn't happy with his wife, and he wants to be happy, so he finds someone else who makes him happy. IMO, if a wife wants a man who doesn't run around, she should try her best to make him happy. Simple! And, if the wife does not know HOW to make a man happy, in every way, she has a 100% chance of having an unhappy marriage. There. That's my blanket statement.
erika2610 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Erika, MY posts are defensive? OMG, you must be kidding! I am a happy woman. I'm not anybody's "other" anything. I don't like to talk a lot about my personal life here, but trust me I am a lover, not a fighter, big time! LS is highly entertaining, though quite irritating at times, particularly when wives keep bashing OW with condescending statements such as, "He will NEVER leave his wife for you," etc. In reality, their statements are baseless. By the way, I can name ten marriages ending in divorce where the husband left the wife for the OW, and ZERO of them went back to the wife. I like Reality, not made-up statements presented as fact, made by women apparently trying to worry less about someone "stealing" "their" man. I've made no secret that I'm no big fan of marriage. To me, marriage means no freedom. I like to be free to love whomever I wish. Some wives bother me here because they ALWAYS BLAME THE OW when they find themselves married to a man who is unfaithful. Hello? If he is happy in his marriage, why does he stray? Maybe, just maybe he isn't happy with his wife, and he wants to be happy, so he finds someone else who makes him happy. IMO, if a wife wants a man who doesn't run around, she should try her best to make him happy. Simple! And, if the wife does not know HOW to make a man happy, in every way, she has a 100% chance of having an unhappy marriage. There. That's my blanket statement. I'm sorry but that's crap. You're just trying to justify your actions. And if he's really that unhappy, he'd leave.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 if he's really that unhappy, he'd leave. That sounds like a great way to run a relationship
erika2610 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 That sounds like a great way to run a relationship I dunno. Maybe that line sounded a little too simple. If he's unhappy, he'd leave. But the rest of it is true. It sounds as if she's just trying to justify her actions. And Elmejor.. don't you think it's understandable that the W would attack the OW?
Recommended Posts