CK1dad Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 Hello Everyone, I have been dating a woman now for a little over a year. Me: (53M) her: (49F). We have not had any type of exclusivity / BF / GF conversation ever, it just kind of goes along. I have written a couple of posts here in the past as this person was pretty freshly out of a marriage, and there was a lot of push / pull with her which eventually resulted in her telling me she wished to discontinue our connection. A few weeks later she contacted me say that she made a mistake and wanted to continue seeing each other, to which I agreed to give it another shot. Things really did take a much more positive turn after that. No pushing / pulling, that really changed. She was out of town on holidays and work for about 6 weeks. Called / text during her vacation and work, which I really valued and made me feel quite connected to her. As well, she has brought me around her adult son and his girlfriend, taken me to a 3 day camping / wedding, and also invited me on her family camping trip next weekend. Also something I commented on in my previous posts is that we have had one sleepover in a year. She asked me to sleep over at her place tonight in fact. I have really used those items as "markers", as I was very concerned that we would just fall back into that push / pull, cycle which was super mentally taxing on me. So with all that, she has been dropping these comments in the last couple weeks about my physical affection and I am unsure of what to make of it or how to handle it. I have been very consistently CKdad through out our entire relationship. I do feel most of the time that I am the one more emotionally connected / invested in the relationship, I am quite in love with her but never express it. The comments that keep getting dropped are "touchy man" / "kissy man". Obviously this surrounding one of my love languages which is physical affection. Last night while I was sitting in another chair away from her she said, "this man who gives me all of this affection that I do not know what to do with". Huh? I will say I do not feel like I have been more affectionate that usual, we are a year into this! When we where hanging out after that I made sure to follow her lead and was very hands off. I am just super confused why this is coming up now. In the back of my mind I am getting nervous an feeling like she is looking for issues, when this has not been an issue until now. In fact I was also pretty focused at the beginning to ask about the physical affection, as my ex wife was a person that could not handle too much. I have come to realize that she is pretty anxious in life inwardly, but puts up a cool type persona outwardly. Any thoughts? Do you think this is a moving goalposts type deal or just an eb / flow thing that comes up?
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 46 minutes ago, CK1dad said: We have not had any type of exclusivity / BF / GF conversation ever. there was a lot of push / pull with her which eventually resulted in her telling me she wished to discontinue our connection. Sorry this is happening. Your relationship seems sort of nebulous. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities. Are you FWB? Or what exactly is this? What does she mean by lack of affection? Sex/intimacy? Dates/romance? Do either of you have health or libido issues such as menopause or ED?
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, CK1dad said: Last night while I was sitting in another chair away from her she said, "this man who gives me all of this affection that I do not know what to do with". And your response to her was? I'll wait before commenting further but your response here - "Huh?" causes me to think you did not take advantage of the opportunity to talk with her about it. Edited August 20, 2022 by poppyfields 1
alphamale Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 (edited) When you two do finally have “the talk” your “relationship” is going to fall apart like a house of card. Sorry Edited August 20, 2022 by alphamale
Author CK1dad Posted August 20, 2022 Author Posted August 20, 2022 27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Your relationship seems sort of nebulous. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities. Are you FWB? Or what exactly is this? What does she mean by lack of affection? Sex/intimacy? Dates/romance? Do either of you have health or libido issues such as menopause or ED? Hi Wise, Sorry I know my post was long. This issue is not about lack of affection. We go on dates, do activities together, we are intimate with one another, hang out quite a bit. We have never clarified the nature of our connection. I would say it's more than FWB, enough to introduce friends and family. My libido and health is good. She is in menopause and on HRT to help. 19 minutes ago, poppyfields said: And your response to her was? I'll wait before commenting further but your response here - "Huh?" causes me to think you did not take advantage of the opportunity to talk with her about it. I did not respond we where getting together to have dinner and I just wasn't prepared for this mentally, and felt the need to sit on it for the night. I did back off on my end when we where watching a show, but I do know this is not the answer. I will talk with her about it tonight for sure. Perhaps you are correct Alpha! Thank you all for your responses.
alphamale Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 You don’t have a relationship with this woman is what I was trying to say
chillii Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 l'm not sure where she's at , it's very hard to tell just how much she's in. She feels like there's a trust thing from her side too of just how real and long term it is. But yeah , weird comment well kind of bc it def' had that same undertone. Her ex and other bf's prob weren't affectionate at all l'd say too either so she's thrown by yours. Hopefully it's not about an uneveness in feelings though , as in she knows your feeling more than what she is , sounds like there might be some of that in it and other things too. She sounds confused af , how long since she divorced ? Anyway , l'd protect your heart for now and try to talk about all this stuff, find out what's really ticking on in there.
alphamale Posted August 20, 2022 Posted August 20, 2022 11 minutes ago, chillii said: l'm not sure where she's at , it's very hard to tell just how much she's in. She’s doing that on purpose chillii….AND she’s waiting for someone better to come along.
ShyViolet Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 It sounds like she is keeping you at arm's length, has a fear of intimacy and isn't ready for any type of serious relationship. If it's a healthy, loving relationship you want, this woman isn't going to give you that. For goodness sake, she has even broken up with you once. If you want to keep treading water in this unsatisfying, slightly cold and distant pseudo-relationship, then keep seeing this woman. I think you know that this isn't meeting your needs and you can do better. 2
glows Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, CK1dad said: Hello Everyone, I have been dating a woman now for a little over a year. Me: (53M) her: (49F). We have not had any type of exclusivity / BF / GF conversation ever, it just kind of goes along. I have written a couple of posts here in the past as this person was pretty freshly out of a marriage, and there was a lot of push / pull with her which eventually resulted in her telling me she wished to discontinue our connection. A few weeks later she contacted me say that she made a mistake and wanted to continue seeing each other, to which I agreed to give it another shot. Things really did take a much more positive turn after that. No pushing / pulling, that really changed. She was out of town on holidays and work for about 6 weeks. Called / text during her vacation and work, which I really valued and made me feel quite connected to her. As well, she has brought me around her adult son and his girlfriend, taken me to a 3 day camping / wedding, and also invited me on her family camping trip next weekend. Also something I commented on in my previous posts is that we have had one sleepover in a year. She asked me to sleep over at her place tonight in fact. I have really used those items as "markers", as I was very concerned that we would just fall back into that push / pull, cycle which was super mentally taxing on me. So with all that, she has been dropping these comments in the last couple weeks about my physical affection and I am unsure of what to make of it or how to handle it. I have been very consistently CKdad through out our entire relationship. I do feel most of the time that I am the one more emotionally connected / invested in the relationship, I am quite in love with her but never express it. The comments that keep getting dropped are "touchy man" / "kissy man". Obviously this surrounding one of my love languages which is physical affection. Last night while I was sitting in another chair away from her she said, "this man who gives me all of this affection that I do not know what to do with". Huh? I will say I do not feel like I have been more affectionate that usual, we are a year into this! When we where hanging out after that I made sure to follow her lead and was very hands off. I am just super confused why this is coming up now. In the back of my mind I am getting nervous an feeling like she is looking for issues, when this has not been an issue until now. In fact I was also pretty focused at the beginning to ask about the physical affection, as my ex wife was a person that could not handle too much. I have come to realize that she is pretty anxious in life inwardly, but puts up a cool type persona outwardly. Any thoughts? Do you think this is a moving goalposts type deal or just an eb / flow thing that comes up? Chances are she’s not as emotionally open or available as you are. When someone seems on/off and makes inappropriate comments like this, take the cue. Spend your time with someone else who values your time without backhanded comments like that. Edited August 21, 2022 by glows
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 If you haven't really established that you're a couple after a whole year of dating, OP, then the writing is on the wall. She still does not sound ready for the sort of relationship you want. You need to talk to her. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 13 hours ago, CK1dad said: I am quite in love with her but never express it. Why is that? 1
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why is that? Good question! OP, you are behaving quite ambivalent yourself so I wouldn't be so quick to point the finger at her, just yet anyway.. SHE may view you as emotionally unavailable and your non-response to her comment below suggests a certain indifference and coldness. >>this man who gives me all of this affection that I do not know what to do with". << To me, she was almost begging for some discussion, she wanted you to ask what she meant! Or some reaction from you anyway. Otherwise, I don't believe she would have made the comment. OK, she could have been more direct but sadly many women are not so direct in their communications. RIght or wrong many women, especially of her generation, were taught it isn't "feminine" to be so direct, so they hint and make ambiguous comments hoping the man cares enough to directly ask. It's a bit of a sh** test I suppose, but not uncommon. You're response here as to why you ignored it, because you are "alpha," is no excuse. it sounds very PUAish and jmo but if you seek a close intimate relationship with her or any woman I would try to rid yourself of that "alpha" mindset, it won't get you far with a high quality woman seeking commitment. I've said this before but try to look at things from the other person's perspective, in this case hers, and reflect upon your own behavior and reactions that have brought you both to where you are now. Good luck. Edited August 21, 2022 by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 23 hours ago, CK1dad said: I have come to realize that she is pretty anxious in life inwardly, but puts up a cool type persona outwardly. Well that you have in common. Both of you seem to be tiptoeing around, burned form your pasts and hiding in your shells. Get in with both feet or get out. This safety dance limbo may seem like a way to not get hurt, but it's also quite confusing. 1
mark clemson Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 (edited) It sounds to me like she has some (mild) "avoidant" tendencies. (You could look up avoidant attachment, as it pertains to adults, on the internet.) Women do a lot of "indirect communication" and her comments are a form of push-back that your physical contact is a bit much for her and she's more comfortable if you tone it down a bit. This probably does not mean that she in unhappy with the relationship and/or wants it to end. Unless there's more to the story here, it sounds to me like an attempt at "parameter adjustment". I suspect you have insecure attachment (probably also mildly, I would guess). (You can also look that up.) Insecure-avoidant relationships apparently generate a lot of this sort of turbulent dynamic, BUT also have a tendency to be lasting relationships. The mild "pushing away" by the avoidant party worries the the insecure one, but also stimulates them to keep trying. The consistent affection of the insecure partner reinforces the relationship to the avoidant one. Something like that. I guess it's an open question if this is the type of relationship you want to be in. I suspect there are "smoother" potential partners our there. However you indicate you care a lot for her and clearly much of this is working. My advice wouldn't be to end things just on it being (assuming I'm right) a mild insecure-avoidant relationship. VERY STRONGLY avoidant OR insecure partners can be a nightmare and I'd typically suggest not dating either type when it's pronounced. Edited August 21, 2022 by mark clemson 1
Author CK1dad Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 10 hours ago, poppyfields said: You're response here as to why you ignored it, because you are "alpha," is no excuse. it sounds very PUAish and jmo but if you seek a close intimate relationship with her or any woman I would try to rid yourself of that "alpha" mindset, it won't get you far with a high quality woman seeking commitment. Thank you all for your responses. Poppy I want to address your comment first. I was not saying "I am Alpha", I was responding to AlphaMale's comment. I don't roll around thinking I am an "Alpha". I just didn't quote his post. Sorry for any confusion. Not a PUA in any way, far from it. So this is what happened in the last 24hrs. We had a sleep over at her place last night. The 2nd one in a year at eithers house. Had a great dinner, watched a show, cuddled on the couch, ,where intimate and fell asleep. This morning we got up to go for a hike. I quickly ran downstairs to turn on the coffee machine and when I came back up to her bedroom she was up and headed downstairs so I turned around and followed. We ate, had coffee, and go ready and left. In the car all of a sudden she says to me, "I don't see the point of having sleepovers if you aren't even going to cuddle, hug or kiss me. YOU didn't even hug or kiss me this morning!" Oh geez. So I brought up the subject I have been discussing here. Explained my confusion about those previous comments. Not really much was said by her except that she doesn't wan the physical attention all the time ... has never commented on this in a years time. We had a brief discussion about where we are at. Which is no where basically as most of you have pointed out. She loves spending time with me is all she could muster. She knows full well that I love her. I won't type it all out here but she does know and I said it again today. So yep as most of you have pointed out our connection is nothing, has gone no where, and is going no where. Just kind of bummed and sad about it ..... Thanks CK
smackie9 Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 Ya you have had a year and there's this big ? in the middle of the room still. Most likely you would be happier with someone else who is more on your page.
BrinnM Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 (edited) On 8/21/2022 at 11:30 PM, CK1dad said: I don't see the point of having sleepovers if you aren't even going to cuddle, hug or kiss me. YOU didn't even hug or kiss me this morning!" Oh jeez - you can’t do anything right, CK! First she doesn’t know what to do with “all the affection”, then she makes fun of you (touchy man, kissy man), and now you’re not affectionate enough??? OK?!? Something’s not right with her, or she’s doing it because she can (she knows you love her), or she’s testing your bounds and how far she can go, or she’s insecure AF. I’d bail. This is NOT getting better Edited August 28, 2022 by BrinnM
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