I regret hurting someone

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

In other words, appreciating and enjoying the moment(s) with a new person while remaining detached from the outcome. 

Detached doesn't mean not caring, it simply means allowing nature and the universe to take its natural course and knowing you will be OK no matter what the outcome. 

Being resilient. 

This is not easy!  But if you can emotionally train yourself to adopt this mindset, it can make a world of difference in both how you relate to and interact with a new man and ironically it might also impact the outcome in a positive way, assuming that is ultimately what you want.

 

That's right.

That's ultimately what I aspire to.

I am also highly likely not to proceed with a relationship if I possess certain characteristics myself that I do not think would lead to a good outcome for the relationship.

Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that I am unable to adapt to certain things. For instance, if the other person has some characteristics or behaviors, I am unwilling to compromise on. Guess that's where compatibility comes into play.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that I am unable to adapt to certain things. For instance, if the other person has some characteristics or behaviors, I am unwilling to compromise on. Guess that's where compatibility comes into play.

^I suppose it would depend on what those characteristics are, in both yourself and him. 

But generally speaking I think having the ability to be flexible and adapt to and accept our differences in a positive loving way are so important in developing and maintaining a LTR.

Again depending on what those differences are. 

My husband and I are quite different - our natures and characteristics.  In some ways we are polar opposites.  

But it's all good because we learn from each each and respect and embrace our differences.

You stated earlier you are an "avoidant."

I typically dislike labels but often times I have found with avoidants and "commitment phobes" (another catch-all phrase), it's about fear.

And fear can manifest in so many different ways, such as a certain  inflexibility to changing nuances and inability to adapt and accept that we are all different, including those we choose to have committed relationships with.

These are tough issues to work though, it took me many years, and I still struggle sometimes tbh.

The difference now is I don't run away, I am able to commit and have, and frankly it's made me a better person. 

More stable, more open and accepting, a better partner, and happier. 

Apologies if I'm way off on this, just my take from what you've written. 

All the best.

Edited August 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

@Alpacalia to add to previous, and I hope this doesn't come off preachy, but with respect to the offensive comment your ex (subject of this thread), made after you'd been sick and were busy for a couple of weeks afterwards, YES it was definitely an a**h*** comment, no question!

But did it warrant you ghosting, or breaking things off in the harsh manner (your words) that you did?

It sounds to me like your decision was impulsive, an immediate reaction without thinking things through and attempting to understand why he made the comment.  Where it came from.

Essentially trying to understand HIS perspective. 

He felt insecure, anxious, jealous because it sounded like he had strong feelings for you at at that time there was uncertainty at least on his part.

People don't make knee-jerk assumptions (you dating and kissing other men) unless they do have feelings, typically.  And in my experience.

What I have learned, and this forum has helped some, is that our partner may be a good person and good for us but still make incredibly dumb and thoughtless comments from time to time. 

We can choose to let dust settle and then discuss OR dump them.

The reason I mention this is because now, years later, you have regrets about how harshly you ended it and are still thinking about him! 

This is what tends to happen when we we react impulsively and allow our emotions to drive our ship and decision making. 

Just something to consider, I'm still learning this myself. 

 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@Alpacalia to add to previous, and I hope this doesn't come off preachy, but with respect to the offensive comment your ex (subject of this thread), made after you'd been sick and were busy for a couple of weeks afterwards, YES it was definitely an a**h*** comment, no question!

But did it warrant you ghosting, or breaking things off in the harsh manner (your words) that you did?

It sounds to me like your decision was impulsive, an immediate reaction without thinking things through and attempting to understand why he made the comment.  Where it came from.

Essentially trying to understand HIS perspective. 

He felt insecure, anxious, jealous because it sounded like he had strong feelings for you at at that time there was uncertainty at least on his part.

People don't make knee-jerk assumptions (you dating and kissing other men) unless they do have feelings, typically.  And in my experience.

What I have learned, and this forum has helped some, is that our partner may be a good person and good for us but still make incredibly dumb and thoughtless comments from time to time. 

We can choose to let dust settle and then discuss OR dump them.

The reason I mention this is because now, years later, you have regrets about how harshly you ended it and are still thinking about him! 

This is what tends to happen when we we react impulsively and allow our emotions to drive our ship and decision making. 

Just something to consider, I'm still learning this myself. 

 

 

No, not preachy.

I thought about it and I tried to understand his perspective by talking about it first.

We just couldn't see eye-to-eye.

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

For instance, if the other person has some characteristics or behaviors, I am unwilling to compromise on

Clear and strong boundaries are great!

One question for personal reflection is about the origin of your boundaries: why did these particular items become red lines for you?

The answer could be that they match your character or value system (which is great because than it’s totally “you”).

Another possible answer could be that you have been hurt in a certain area and the red line became so important because it reminds you of the hurt in the past. I.e. you may have been sensitized in certain areas. If that is the case it’s still good to respect your boundaries, yet at the same time it’s good to realize where they come from and not hold on to the hurt forever.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No, not preachy.

I thought about it and I tried to understand his perspective by talking about it first.

We just couldn't see eye-to-eye.

What was his reason?  Did he apologize?

If not, and/his reason was lame, then perhaps you dumping him wasn't so harsh after all.  Again harsh being your word. 

In that case, nothing to regret, right? 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What was his reason?  Did he apologize?

If not, and/his reason was lame, then perhaps you dumping him wasn't so harsh after all.  Again harsh being your word. 

In that case, nothing to regret, right? 

No, he didn't apologize.

I don't think his reason matters given it didn't make much sense to me at the time.

Yes, I suppose you're correct.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't think his reason matters given it didn't make much sense to me at the time.

Often times things don't make sense at the time as we are emotionally in that moment and unable to see and understand things clearly. 

It's later when we start reflecting on everything when it begins to make more sense. 

Since you're still struggling with some residual and conflicting feelings years later (hence this thread), I think his reason does matter as well as sharing his reason here with us, as objective observers, as knowing will help us in helping you sort out these conflicting feelings and regret..

Perhaps we might offer a different perspective, a different way of viewing the situation that would help you to move on and let go of these residual feelings and regret. 

Which is why you created the thread, is it not? 

However if you don't feel comfortable sharing, I respect that and hope eventually you will be able to sort out and move past it. 

Good luck @Alpacalia, take care.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Often times things don't make sense at the time as we are emotionally in that moment and unable to see and understand things clearly. 

It's later when we start reflecting on everything when it begins to make more sense. 

Since you're still struggling with some residual and conflicting feelings years later (hence this thread), I think his reason does matter as well as sharing his reason here with us, as objective observers, as knowing will help us in helping you sort out these conflicting feelings and regret..

Perhaps we might offer a different perspective, a different way of viewing the situation that would help you to move on and let go of these residual feelings and regret. 

Which is why you created the thread, is it not? 

However if you don't feel comfortable sharing, I respect that and hope eventually you will be able to sort out and move past it. 

Good luck @Alpacalia, take care.

Thank you.

I'm on a train right now (of course reading the forum on my downtime 🤤) but will try to update later.

Hopefully I can make sense of it and put it to bed.

[Lotsgoingon]

I am learning from this thread, I really am.

On qualities that I can't adjust to. I think I've made a switch on that one. I grew up with severe cat allergies. I once visited a buddy with cats (didn't think to ask) and spent the overnight on his back porch trying to sleep because my eyes swelled and I could barely breath inside. So naturally cats were a no-no in a dating partner.

Then I fell in love with a woman who didn't mention she had cats. She sorta took that for granted or thought it it was irrelevant information. Shockingly, I had no allergic reactions to her cats none. Very humbling in a good way. 

These days my view is that people are packages. Yes, there are some qualities I really don't want to deal with. But I've seen myself deal with qualities I don't like in a person because overall is quite wonderful. I can't THINK or will my way to this acceptance. I find that it just comes. It's kinda cool to discover that qualities that I assume were absolute no's turn out to be relatively minor given the overwhelming strengths I encounter in the person.  Of course, experiencing the entire person requires time in person and can't come through on online dating profiles. 

[Alpacalia]

Let me just briefly touch on this subject.

I chose not to dive into his response. 

Having thought about it.

I was severely unwell with 104 fever, enough to warrant an urgent care visit. I would have preferred a little more sensitivity.

Perhaps I would have been able to see things differently in response to the remark if we had been together longer.

It has left a mark on me. Things started out so well. Inconsiderate treatment afterward disappointed me. However, that does not mean that I didn't care about him or appreciate all the other things he did for me or was sorry it ended.

All the same. 

I appreciate everyone's time and help!

Lotsgoingon, I'm glad you're learning more about yourself through this thread.  How's that for a positive? 

[Will am I]

104F, that’s a serious fever 😮

I remember a few years ago, my wife had a bacterial infection in a small shaving cut on her leg. Suddenly that infected her blood and she developed a 103F fever (in only a matter of hours). I drove her to the hospital, they put her on IV antibiotics and kept her admitted for 4 days. So yes, serious enough.

If such a medical emergency will not bring up the caring side in a man, I don’t think he’s the right person to pursue a relationship with.

So I totally support your decision to cut contact with him.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

104F, that’s a serious fever 😮

I remember a few years ago, my wife had a bacterial infection in a small shaving cut on her leg. Suddenly that infected her blood and she developed a 103F fever (in only a matter of hours). I drove her to the hospital, they put her on IV antibiotics and kept her admitted for 4 days. So yes, serious enough.

It was bad fever. 🤕🥺

Yep, same here with the bacteria. 

A rottweiler bit my dearest best friend in the face and had to undergo emergency surgery after half her nose was torn off. I visited her in the ICU. Within 24 hours, I was as sick as a hog. 

I've had the flu and food poisoning before, but this was intense. Initially, antibiotics didn't clear it completely, so they had to do a second round and test for all kinds of things. Despite not testing for MRSA, I believe that is likely what caused it.

 

[Will am I]

Hoping that it’s all behind you with no lasting effects.