Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 14 minutes ago, Jessicajones84 said: in a month or so perhaps I'll reach out to him. Delete and block him and date locally. That helps avoid headaches and heartaches like this. Contacting him Is playing the pick me game.
glows Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 3 hours ago, Jessicajones84 said: Yes, I agree. I overreacted and I regret it. I learned a huge lesson from this about my lack of confidence and insecurities. I'm working on myself and going on other dates. Practicing enjoying the experience but putting my life first - I don't want to be a pick me girl! I'm letting the dust settle, get on with things and in a month or so perhaps I'll reach out to him. Why reach out to him? He isn’t interested. Time and space is limited. I’m not sure why you’d your waste limited time and resources reaching out to someone who lives a distance away and didn’t put much effort into seeing you again. Spend that energy and your time dating others. Your self-esteem is very low. 2
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2022 Posted August 21, 2022 (edited) Jessica, again, I think it's so great how you're introspecting, reflectcting and learning, about yourself mostly and your own reactions. I think in a few weeks, if you're still thinking about him and interested (you may not be by then), since it ended on good terms, it's fine to reach out again. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain including learning about humility. As far as him not making enough effort after your awesome first date, well you didn't give him much of an opportunity to do much of anything except express interest in seeing you again (which he did), you dumped him. OK, It wasn't on your timetable, but this is where being open and flexible come into play, lowering expectations and ridding yourself of the dreaded entitlement mentality that has become so pervasive in today's dating environment. No you're NOT a priority after one date and frankly I wouldn't want to be! A good solid man has a life, a purpose, he's grounded in reality and takes his time. He doesn't just jump in willy-nilly making a woman he had ONE date with a priority. Expecting that is entitlement and serves no good purpose. It's funny, just the other night I asked my new hubs what made him want to commit to me and he replied it was precisely because I never pressed him for a commitment and was happy to simply enjoy him and dating him, allowing things to happen between us gradually and naturally. Among other things of course including our attraction and connection and him being ready for it. But my NOT pressing him, not feeling and acting entitled to his full attention right outta the gate, was huge for him! We didn't see each other every weekend nor did we talk/text every day in the beginning. We had a strong attraction and connection and so I never took it personally or tried very hard not to. I still had uncertainty of course, but I contained that uncertainty within myself, I didn't dump on him seeking reassurance etc. This allowed him to move closer to me emotionally at his own pace and he fell in love with me. Things moved very quickly after that but my point is, you and this man had ONE date. Relax and again if you want to reach out again in a month, I see no reason not to. Connections like the one you descibe you made with him don't happen every day and two hours is not that long, I wouldn't even consider that long distance. I know people who drive that every day to/from work! Good luck and if you're inclined, keep us posted! Edited August 21, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author Jessicajones84 Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 (edited) 21 hours ago, poppyfields said: Good luck and if you're inclined, keep us posted! Thanks! Yes, I will keep you all posted. I'm moving on for now, but I think it's worth a shot when things have calmed down a bit. I think at this stage it's doing it for myself, rather than him. I'm not sure about the likelihood of him responding or agreeing, but it will be a great lesson none the less, and relieve the niggle that I gave up on a great guy. We'll see Edited August 22, 2022 by Jessicajones84 1
NuevoYorko Posted August 22, 2022 Posted August 22, 2022 On 8/21/2022 at 2:37 AM, Jessicajones84 said: Yes, I agree. I overreacted and I regret it. I learned a huge lesson from this about my lack of confidence and insecurities. Try not to let those things drive you when you are just meeting potential dates. In particular, if you react to your own insecurities and put this onto the person you are meeting, you are creating a situation which absolutely WILL backfire. The guy lives 2 hours away. For him to plan on a date that will take several hours of travel time could very well require quite a bit of advance planning. Or, maybe he just wasn't that compelled. Either way, you immediately pushed him (any healthy guy would have responded similarly) to move quickly and decisively away from you with the way you reacted. I'm sure he felt suddenly cornered and defensive, and you may well have come off as a bit unstable - basically "breaking up" with this person you had only met once. You had a fun date but he is still a stranger. Not appropriate for him to be feeling your expectations, disappointment and anger. You could have had the exact same experience and dealt with it in a completely different way. Enjoyed the date and your following contacts, but taken a "wait and see" approach. If he didn't set up another date, there would have been your answer. If you had given him some space, perhaps he would have. A couple more things: 1) NO. It is not particularly meaningful for a man to show "vulnerability." Some of us are open and talk freely about personal things. Also manipulative people of any gender know very well that this is a useful tool to reel others in. It's even featured in "how to" sales books. Not suggesting this guy was manipulating you, he probably just felt easy talking to you so he did. Maybe he feels like that with most people, maybe it was unique, but after meeting someone one time and talking (or, worse, texting) a few times after, you absolutely will not know. 2) STOP getting invested after one meet, no matter how it went. Being hopeful and excited is fine but you have no idea about how this would go until you have some further experience with the person. Also STOP maintaining a lot of contact with a man you met once via phone / texting. It creates false intimacy. Let relationships develop in real life. Be prepared for a lot of dead ends, even when things seemed very positive. 3) Don't date people who live far away if you're going to be mad that you may not see them very often. 4) DO NOT talk about your negative experiences with men in your past with guys you are just getting to know. During my dating times, I considered that to be a solid red flag. Many women who seemed appealing got "nexted" because of this. The woman I ended up with told me she felt the same way about men who complained about their exes. It generally comes off as showing a lack of accountability for ones own role in failed relationships. 2
Author Jessicajones84 Posted August 22, 2022 Author Posted August 22, 2022 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: Try not to let those things drive you when you are just meeting potential dates. In particular, if you react to your own insecurities and put this onto the person you are meeting, you are creating a situation which absolutely WILL backfire. The guy lives 2 hours away. For him to plan on a date that will take several hours of travel time could very well require quite a bit of advance planning. Or, maybe he just wasn't that compelled. Either way, you immediately pushed him (any healthy guy would have responded similarly) to move quickly and decisively away from you with the way you reacted. I'm sure he felt suddenly cornered and defensive, and you may well have come off as a bit unstable - basically "breaking up" with this person you had only met once. You had a fun date but he is still a stranger. Not appropriate for him to be feeling your expectations, disappointment and anger. You could have had the exact same experience and dealt with it in a completely different way. Enjoyed the date and your following contacts, but taken a "wait and see" approach. If he didn't set up another date, there would have been your answer. If you had given him some space, perhaps he would have. A couple more things: 1) NO. It is not particularly meaningful for a man to show "vulnerability." Some of us are open and talk freely about personal things. Also manipulative people of any gender know very well that this is a useful tool to reel others in. It's even featured in "how to" sales books. Not suggesting this guy was manipulating you, he probably just felt easy talking to you so he did. Maybe he feels like that with most people, maybe it was unique, but after meeting someone one time and talking (or, worse, texting) a few times after, you absolutely will not know. 2) STOP getting invested after one meet, no matter how it went. Being hopeful and excited is fine but you have no idea about how this would go until you have some further experience with the person. Also STOP maintaining a lot of contact with a man you met once via phone / texting. It creates false intimacy. Let relationships develop in real life. Be prepared for a lot of dead ends, even when things seemed very positive. 3) Don't date people who live far away if you're going to be mad that you may not see them very often. 4) DO NOT talk about your negative experiences with men in your past with guys you are just getting to know. During my dating times, I considered that to be a solid red flag. Many women who seemed appealing got "nexted" because of this. The woman I ended up with told me she felt the same way about men who complained about their exes. It generally comes off as showing a lack of accountability for ones own role in failed relationships. Thanks @NuevoYorko Honestly, I'm literally making myself cringe thinking about the way I handled it. Although now I'm really grateful for the experience. I didn't react in anyway negatively or angrily towards him - obviously telling him this is essentially over is a wee bit negative But I didn't tell him I was hurt, annoyed or anything like that. But, I think he probably would have been surprised that I cut it off and I'm not surprised he didn't put up a fight! Yeah, absolutely, he is most probably actively dating/enjoying his summer etc. I didn't really talk about negative experiences I had with men. But because I freaked out about how comfortable I was, I went into 'performance mode' and made some comments alluding to being a serial dater/sexually active like this with him wasn't special kind of thing. So I'm not surprised he made me an option and not a priority. If anything, I'm surprised he maintained contact at all. He sent some nice texts asking about my hobbies, my day and other stuff - I really needed to just chill and let it be but I messed it up unfortunately I understand about the vulnerability thing. It did seem, however, as we had lost our parents at similar times we were able to share quite deeply about our last moments with them. I'm not fooling myself into thinking this was rare, but I don't think he shared in a everyday kind of day. It was just nice and were able to talk about our own experiences in therapy as well as other things. But I do understand that i didn't need to freak out about it or put too much pressure on it in my head - and just to clarify, I left it up to him to initiate most of the contact after that and left ample space between replies. I even replied in a way to not encourage a response the day after the date as I didn't want to text all the time. He then followed up with me a day or so after the date. What I've learned is no one owes me anything even if i feel like I've connected/really like them and to not attach myself. It's clearly my issue and isn't about them. I'm disappointed I couldn't control my emotions and over reacted. I've got plenty to be getting on with and he's not there to validate me in any way. From what I know of him so far, he's great! He deserves someone who doesn't act out in this toxic way. I'm working on what I can do in terms of tackling my demons and hopefully meet someone at some point when the time is right I've been reading about limerence - I want to find and develop some coping mechanisms which redirect me back to my own life and wellbeing when I feel vulnerable or sense my expectations building. Thanks for your time.
Calmandfocused Posted August 22, 2022 Posted August 22, 2022 Jessica I don’t think you should regret or attempt to retract your decision. It’s done! You made the right decision for you and I don’t blame you. Please don’t go asking him for another chance in a few weeks time. Whether he accepts or declines it will do your self esteem no favours. Reminds me of a similar situation I went through. Amazing first date, blew up my phone day in day out after the date, asked me to “wait” 6 weeks until date 2, then got the hump because I wasn’t prepared to wait for him, nor was I prepared to stop dating others. Even though I’m very single today I don’t regret that decision. Collectively all the above gave me enough information to know that he wasn’t the guy for me. Your guy gave you enough information to collectively know that he is not the right guy for you. Remember that and keep a logical (not emotional) head about it. 1
stillafool Posted August 22, 2022 Posted August 22, 2022 I don't think you should reach out to him again after what you last said to him. That would make me think you were unstable and can't control your emotions if I were him and would already be turned off. But, since you did say above that you are doing it for yourself and it doesn't matter his response; it will not affect you, go ahead. I just hope you mean this.
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