This makes me sad

[Happy Lemming]

34 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

What should I do next? I want to be clear with him, I wouldn’t want to sound rude. 

Why don't you write down a set of questions and ask him for hard answers...

(1) Are you leaving your present girlfriend?? (Yes or No answer)

(2) If so, what date?? (Give an actual hard date, if he does not leave on that date... you'll know where you stand)

(3) Are you moving back to my state?? (Yes or No)

(4) If so, what date?? (same as above)

(5) Do you want a relationship with me?? (Yes or No)

(6) If yes, is it going to be more than a FWB relationship?? (Yes or No)

I'm sure there are other answers that pertain specifically to your relationship (that are important to you) Include those questions in your list) 

Then fire them off at him one by one... and get the answers you want.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, brokengirl85 said:

I know that if I stop texting/replying him, he’ll probably give up. He’ll not pursue me aggressively. It’s not his style.

I’ve been absent from his life from 2014 to 2018. I haven’t seen him since 2014. I don’t see how this situation is going to change if I stop replying. We’re both in our 50’s 

If he were really in love with you he wouldn't give up trying to get you.  She'd  be gone out of his life by now and you two would be together.  You know if you stop communication with him he'd give up.  She doesn't love him yet he hasn't given up on her.  Do you understand now how this works?  You can't make someone love you.

Edited August 15, 2022 by stillafool

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

People sometimes change and regret things they didn’t do…

Yes…but……

 

there was a reason fir the FWB instead of bf/ gf…what was it?

 

people regret more things they did not Pursue or missed out than FWBs.

[poppyfields]

Hello @brokengirl85.  I have a bit of a different take on this from the others.  Hope you'll hear me out and at least consider.

You complain but the way I interpret this is this situation seems to suit you just fine. 

This man is unavailable to you and always has been..  Ten years! 

And as such you are free to dream about him, long for him, convince yourself you want a relationship with him, anthing and everything but engage in a real live human one-on-one meaningful relationship with him..

Reading your past threads, admittedly you have gotten scared and run away from men who are available. 

And I could almost guarantee if this man were to suddenly become available to you, you'd get scared and run away from him too!

But he's NOT available and that feels very safe for you.  And allows all your "love" or what you think is love to come bursting out. 

But it's not love, it's longing, which is quite different.

Longing = craving what you don't have. It's powerful but it not love,

Love = cherishing what you DO have. Equally powerful but one must be ready and available for it.

I just learned this recently myself.

You're in your 50s, have you ever been in a happy healthy mutually-rewarding functional relationship or marriage?

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this situation is one long road to never-never land. 

Not gonna happen. 

For him, you are an ego boost, someone who gives him attention when the woman he truly loves doesn't, a time filler, and a total waste of your time. 

I think deep down you know this too, it's been ten years for goodness sake. 

But again it feels emotionally safe to you so you cling to it. And tell yourself all sorts of stories that allow you to continue clinging to it.

Unless you're content to fantasize about him for the rest of your life, my advice is stop projecting your feelings on to him (which IS what you're doing), look within and seek therapy to determine why you've hung on to this dysfunctional situation for as long as you have and start being real with yourself and others.  

And look for real in others as well versus an unattainable fantasy. 

As I said, I've been there myself so I understand it.   I learned. 

Now I am happily married to a man I love more and more every single day!   

I still get scared but I've learned to embrace the fear versus running away from it. 

These are not easy things to come to terms with and address and I wish you the best of luck.in doing so. 

It'll be worth it, I promise you. 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, brokengirl85 said:

I still enjoy his random texts, his flirting, his silliness… I feel flirty and silly with him as well. 
 

Is the enjoyment of his random texts greater than the ongoing sadness and frustration you feel when he won't choose to be with you?

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why is he still there?

Men in relationships looking for mistresses always have these sad story about their wife/gf being mean. Don't beleive everything he says.

Not exactly the case.

 

men and women can be genuine friends. There might have been an issue why there wasn’t more than FWB that made a relationship/ marriage near impossible because of major differences in living together that is not an issue in friendship.

[alphamale]

6 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

Hello,

I love him. We were fwb 10 years ago. He met someone and moved to another state 3 years ago. He has been reaching out to me sporadically, flirting, just checking how I’m doing. 
During a text conversation, I asked if we was single. He said things were not going well with his partner.

I told him that I wish things were different.

He responded: “If things end up different I’m not missing you out next time”.

I'm broken and sad and I don’t even know what to respond to that.

id appreciate your comments. Thanks in advance. 

 

FWB situations ALWAYS benefit the male and not the female. Woman wants man to herself. 
 

Look what he has done to you and yet you want more abuse

Edited August 15, 2022 by alphamale

[Alpacalia]

He doesn't care about your feelings.

His care for you would make him leave you alone knowing that weaving in and out of your life as you have been pining for him for more than a decade is hurtful for you.

Quite simply, he is selfish.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

During a text conversation, I asked if we was single. 

Sorry this is happening. It would be best to delete and block him rather than following him and chatting and asking about his status.

Are you married or in a relationship? Are you dating? What is the incentive for pining over a FWB from a decade ago?

Don't send him questions. He's not interested, he's in another relationship.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't send him questions.

If she doesn't ask the "hard questions", she'll never know the answers.  The thoughts of him coming back will always linger in her head... She'll be constantly asking herself "What if??"

As an example, if he states he is going to leave his present girlfriend on Sept. 30th (and move back), as that is when their lease ends -- then the OP has an answer as to when she could expect him back in her state.

Now if he "hems & haws" and says "It's complicated" or "It isn't that simple", then the OP will know he is NOT serious and she can move on... closing that chapter of her life (once and for all).

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If she doesn't ask the "hard questions", she'll never know the answers. 

I think, and let me know your thoughts on it, that because he never was in love with her, they never were in a romantic relationship, he has not told her anything about feeling something for her currently,  him texting back means nothing really. He's been gone 3 years and he randomly text her 'to flirt'? She has her answers no? 

I would understand if he had contacted her to tell her he's been thinking about her for 3 years, he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting her go and he wishes to reconnect with her BUT we're far, far, farrrrr from that. We're more in the category 'low moral' time waster. He's flirting with her (randomly for 3  years) while in a relationship with another woman. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Gaeta

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

...let me know your thoughts on it,

She has her answers no?

Sometimes in life we just really need to hear "NO" or "It's over" or something along those lines.

Of course it isn't logical and yes "actions speak louder than words", but the heart seems to want to overrule the brain. (as referenced in your signature line)

I mean if he states unequivocally that he is leaving his present girlfriend on Oct. 1st and will be back in town on Oct. 2nd, then she has a definitive answer and if he doesn't leave on that date, she'll know he was not serious, then she can close that chapter and move on (delete and block).

 

[Gaeta]

@Happy Lemming: I see your point. By asking those very surgical questions, she'll get the rejection she needs to move on. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Sometimes in life we just really need to hear "NO" or "It's over" or something along those lines.

Whats to say that he is going to be honest or say anything of the sort? 

Men in relationships who are messaging and flirting with other women lie. 

[Rider on the Storm]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Men in relationships who are messaging and flirting with other women lie. 

Yep. While I understand the logic behind asking the questions, in this case those questions could be bypassed and she could just ask for proof of him leaving the woman who doesn't love him so he could be free to pursue the one who got away.

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Gaeta]

My guess is he would answer *I don't know yet' and that will keep brokengirl hanging.

[Alpacalia]

He is unhappy in his current relationship.

Surely he would choose you over her even in the midst of a blissful relationship if he felt you were the one.

This isn't meant as a criticism. It's just that I want you to think about it a little more carefully.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

@Happy Lemming: I see your point. By asking those very surgical questions, she'll get the rejection she needs to move on. 

Exactly... 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Whats to say that he is going to be honest or say anything of the sort? 

Men in relationships who are messaging and flirting with other women lie. 

Yes, he could lie... but if he gives her a date as to when he will be back in her state (in my example Oct. 1st) when he doesn't arrive, she'll have definitive proof that he has no intention of leaving his present girlfriend.

1 hour ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Yep. While I understand the logic behind asking the questions, in this case those questions could be bypassed and she could just ask for proof of him leaving the woman who doesn't love him so he could be free to pursue the one who got away.

 

Him leaving the state and moving back to the OP's state should be the proof she'll need that he has indeed left his girlfriend. 

30 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My guess is he would answer *I don't know yet' and that will keep brokengirl hanging.

You are correct... and if he gives an "I don't know, yet" answer, she should interpret that as a "No, I'm not leaving my present girlfriend anytime soon" and close that chapter of her life.

Anything less than "I'm leaving on XYZ date, and will be back in town 2 days later" should be interpreted as a "I'm not leaving my present girlfriend anytime soon".

[Gaeta]

20 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

He responded: “If things end up different I’m not missing you out next time”.

I think you're putting too much value into this. It's just one of those things people say thinking it's a nice thing to say, but it's not. It's the same as a man saying to a younger woman <if only I was 20 years younger>. He only said that because he didn't know what to reply to your I wish things were different. Please notice, he did not reply me too I wish things were different, right?

This man is not even throwing crumbs at you. He's pretending to have a crumb in his hand but he's throwing thin air at you. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

We were fwb 10 years ago. He met someone and moved to another state 3 years ago. I asked if we was single. He said things were not going well with his partner.

Live your local life more fully. Get a good profile and pics on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Join some clubs and groups Take some classes and courses. Get involved in health and fitness. Volunteer. Expand your social circle.

He is in another state and in a relationship. Do not get involved or ask questions that feed him things to string you along with. Don't be his therapist or buy the "GF doesn't understand me" line.

Once you step way back you'll find a local BF of your own. Don't invest any more time on him.

[Rider on the Storm]

On 8/14/2022 at 9:24 PM, brokengirl85 said:

Gaeta, my life has been going on without him. It’s not stuck nor I stop doing things because I’m waiting for him. It’s not like that. 
I have my life here, and he sometimes reach out and we chat randomly. I’d visit him, perhaps, if he suggests so. I’d be very happy if he comes visit me as well. But he hasn’t suggested either. 
I could tell him to stop texting. And he’d probably will. I still enjoy his random texts, his flirting, his silliness… I feel flirty and silly with him as well. 
 

Hi, brokengirl. It's been a couple of days since your last post. How is everything going? Has your former FWB who is currently in a relationship attempted to contact you? Have you been able to not contact him?

I hope you are doing well.

[brokengirl85]

Hello,

Thanks for al the replies. 
Since the other day, we have texted some more. I won’t go into details, but basically I told him that if he wanted to see me, he’d need to make it happen. He replied that he’ll see what can he do. I did not reply. 

This was two days ago and there was no further communication. 
 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

This was two days ago and there was no further communication. 

It's probably better that way. He's basically a timewaster. Someone at a distance as well as in another relationship.

Only invest in those who invest in you.

[Rider on the Storm]

8 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

Hello,

Thanks for al the replies. 
Since the other day, we have texted some more. I won’t go into details, but basically I told him that if he wanted to see me, he’d need to make it happen. He replied that he’ll see what can he do. I did not reply. 

This was two days ago and there was no further communication. 
 

Why not pursue a man who isn't already in a relationship?  "I'll see what I can do" and no further communication for days is what should be expected here. This isn't an individual pining for  a past love. This is a bored individual looking for an ego-stroke and/or hoping to get some on the side.

If you're hoping that this is going to turn into more, you will be disappointed.

[brokengirl85]

I will not reply to him anymore if he doesn’t give me an answer. I’ll wait one week and I’ll block him forever.