FMW Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 I'm 57, the guy I've been involved with for close to 3 years is 58. Because of our ages I have never called him my boyfriend. Others call him that and I'm happy with it. He calls me his girlfriend and I like that. But for whatever reason, I seem to have a hangup about using the term boyfriend myself. When I write about him here on LS I call him "my guy". But that seems silly and insufficiently descriptive to me. We are exclusive and committed and share our families and friends, but we are both busy with work so only spend 3 or 4 days/nights a week together. We have no intention to live together or marry. Anyone have any thoughts on what people call each other? Does it seem silly for a 57 year old woman to say "my boyfriend"?
basil67 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 (edited) With your description of your relationship, I think the word "partner" would be perfect. Edited August 9, 2022 by basil67 4
Happy Lemming Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 I'm 56 and I call "V" my "girlfriend" and she calls me her "boyfriend". I think we both want to be clear when we are at parties/functions that we are not married. If someone says something to me about my wife... I quickly correct them and say "girlfriend". I'm OK with those labels and "V" is as well. 1
Happy Lemming Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 If I could add a funny story... We were at a party a little while ago and this one (smart aleck) guy is a realtor and started trying to be funny about "V" and I living together. I told him she has a $1/month lease. So in addition using the term "girlfriend" she can also use the term "lessee"!! 1
basil67 Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 48 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I think we both want to be clear when we are at parties/functions that we are not married. If someone says something to me about my wife... I quickly correct them and say "girlfriend". Conversely, my defacto partner and I mostly refer to each other as husband and wife. I mostly use the term 'husband' when I'm writing here about him. @FMW as you can see, there are so many different ways of doing this, so there really isn't a right or wrong....it's just whatever the couple is comfortable with. 1
Gaeta Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 Funny because where l'm from even when we're married we call our SO boyfriend and girlfriend. I would do as Basil67 suggested and use 'partner' if you like the sound of it. 1
Author FMW Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) I'm probably going to try to get comfortable with "boyfriend". It seems to be clearer. I generally think of partners as people who live together. I've been referred to as his wife before and he as my husband probably because people assume at our age we are married. I'm not bothered by that, but I do usually correct them if it won't seem awkward to do so. Recently when I told someone (in answer to their inquiry) that I was "involved" with him, they said "so he's your boyfriend". The guy who said that was 70. So I guess it's just me that has a hangup with that term because of our ages. But I am getting tired of the ambiguity I guess. Edited August 10, 2022 by FMW
Happy Lemming Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 I have heard the term "Special Friend" used by older individuals. I mean if you really don't like the term "boyfriend", I guess you could try out "Special Friend" and see if that is more comfortable. 2
Author FMW Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) I definitely don't like "special friend". That's what my mom has called him and it just feels wrong. His mother introduced me to one of her friends as his "significant other". That didn't feel bad, but just kind of stilted. I know - I'm just being weird about it We need a new term that means "this is the man I love". Edited August 10, 2022 by FMW
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 5 hours ago, FMW said: We need a new term that means "this is the man I love". That's been recycled forever as well. At one time people used "lover" as a generic term for this. Then it was partner, then it was significant other and so on. It just keeps cycling from decade to decade and generation to generation. Don't worry about the semantics. If it's really a conundrum, use his name. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) Some people think the words "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" sound like juniors in high school going out in their parents' car, wearing high-school clothes and the like. Partner, as someone said, could be a good word. Do you really need a term? Is he unhappy with you not using "boyfriend"? I'm a teacher and I'm pretty informal. The students often closest to me feel like they don't want to call me "Mister" ... and they don't want to call me by my first name. One of my favorite former students, someone I'm really close to (I have spent time with her mother and so)--she doesn't call me anything. BTW: you write that you "only" spend 3 or 4 nights a week together. Only? Edited August 10, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 1
poppyfields Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) Hi FMW, this is a great question! Like you, I've always disliked labels and felt weird saying. But then when I met my now-husband, I couldn't stop saying! My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that, I suspect others found it all a bit much, perhaps even obnoxious at times. I became one of those women who couldn't stop talking about her "boyfriend"! Lol Now that he's my husband, I can't stop calling him hubs, hubby, husband! My reasons are probably different from yours but my advice is start referring to him as your boyfriend. You're not too old, you're never too old! For anything. That mindset is toxic imo. Feel proud! This beautiful man is my boyfriend!! I bet once you start referring to him that way, you won't be able to stop. You might even start seeing HIM differently and want to kick things up a notch to more than 3x per week, living separately. Edited August 10, 2022 by poppyfields 2
Author FMW Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 38 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Do you really need a term? Is he unhappy with you not using "boyfriend"? When talking about him to other people who don't know him (or even when writing about him here on LS) I do feel the need to identify our connection (e.g. "My boyfriend and I went to the concert"). Otherwise, no, I don't think either of us are concerned about terminology. 43 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: BTW: you write that you "only" spend 3 or 4 nights a week together. Only? I added that because I've seen it expressed by some here on LS that a relationship that doesn't involve being together full time and progressing to living together or marriage is basically not much of a relationship at all. I very strongly disagree with that, but I added the amount of time we spend together for context.
Author FMW Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: You might even start seeing HIM differently and want to kick things up a notch to more than 3x per week, living separately. I understand that thought. But my lack of comfort with terminology isn't caused by and doesn't translate to a lack of love or commitment to our relationship. I don't think what I call him will change anything (but I guess we'll see!). We do almost all our socializing with family and friends together, but our work keeps us busy a lot of the time. Our days apart work out well for managing our schedules, and for me at least, providing the time alone I need to decompress. Edited August 10, 2022 by FMW
Els Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 14 hours ago, FMW said: I'm probably going to try to get comfortable with "boyfriend". It seems to be clearer. I generally think of partners as people who live together. I've been referred to as his wife before and he as my husband probably because people assume at our age we are married. I'm not bothered by that, but I do usually correct them if it won't seem awkward to do so. Yeah, there can be a connotation of "partner" with "living together", especially as it's typically the term used for de facto relationships. What about SO - significant other? Alternatively, boyfriend/girlfriend isn't bad at all. Ages aren't really relevant, since manfriend/womanfriend sounds terrible. 2
mark clemson Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 IMO BF is fine. My wife and spent a long time together before getting married, and we used partner and SO a lot for a while. After some time we used "fiancee" but as it took us a while to get married, we stretched out that fiancee phase for several years. Think these are options you could consider, particularly if you don't mind being "fiancees" without a date. 1
poppyfields Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 FMW, I am wondering. Did you always find referring to your boyfriends as "boyfriends" uncomfortable or is this something that happens with just him and/or after you reached a certain age? I was inclined to say that perhaps you feel by labeling him that way, it means you're more committed but then I read you already feel very committed, so I don't know. I always like to look deeper into these things (as many of you know, lol) and it would appears you have a block of some sort which also goes hand in hand with only wanting to spend 3-4 days/nights a week together and living separately, after three years. In any event, it sounds like you are a great fit, and meet each other's needs well so no need to go changing anything. It's just curious though and wonder if your reluctance to call him your boyfriend and the fact you prefer spending limited time together and living separately are related. 1
Author FMW Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 I don't recall ever calling anyone my boyfriend, including my ex-husband prior to marrying him. I was in my late twenties when I married, so age probably wasn't an issue then. I think my desire to live separately has to do with being 57 and having already been married and shared a home and all that entails. I enjoyed it when I was younger. It doesn't hold any appeal for me now. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I do my boyfriend (!), so I seriously don't think it has anything to do with my lack of feeling for him. I do understand that we don't always see ourselves clearly. I don't think that's the case for this situation, but I'm not against giving it some thought. 2
Happy Lemming Posted August 11, 2022 Posted August 11, 2022 52 minutes ago, FMW said: I think my desire to live separately has to do with being 57 and having already been married and shared a home and all that entails. I enjoyed it when I was younger. It doesn't hold any appeal for me now. Yes... my girlfriend and I had no desire to live together at our ages. I do think her prior marriage and divorce was the reason she desperately wanted to keep her apartment. Neither she nor I ever envisioned the rental prices skyrocketing and forcing her to give up that apartment. 1
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2022 Posted August 11, 2022 Seems when we get 50+ it's not that important to move in together and it doesn't mean we love less, often we love better. FMW: sometimes l would use *my guy* instead of boyfriend. It depended on the context. We have a word in French for couples that are committed, marriage or not, you need one in English . In terms of relationships there is no in-between in English. 3
Els Posted August 12, 2022 Posted August 12, 2022 On 8/11/2022 at 9:31 AM, FMW said: I think my desire to live separately has to do with being 57 and having already been married and shared a home and all that entails. I enjoyed it when I was younger. It doesn't hold any appeal for me now. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I do my boyfriend (!), so I seriously don't think it has anything to do with my lack of feeling for him. FWIW, I think you sound quite self-aware and it's great that you know exactly what you want... and also, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to live separately. Different people are cut out for different types/styles of relationship, and there's nothing to be gained from trying to push a square peg through a round hole. It's a pity that society seems to think that everyone must follow the same train tracks of dating > living together > marriage > kids, when for many of us, true happiness lies in some point at the middle of that spectrum, not in "going all the way to the end". 2
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