First dates- men, have you ever stayed long out of politeness?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently went on a first date with a guy whom I met online. He had asked me out for drinks. We are both in our early/mid 30’s.

The date had all the good signs to it, and he also got us a second round of drinks. After 3 hours of good conversation, lots of laughter from both sides and some flirting and compliments from him, I said I had to leave since I had an early morning the next morning.

The good vibes I got from the date unfortunately became disappointment, since there was no followup from him at all. Not even a message to check whether I’d got home ok, despite me being the one to travel to his neighbourhood for the date.

I should add that he didn’t even walk me to the train station at the end of the date; the road branched near where he lived so we said goodbye there. No kiss, just a hug from him.

I know it’s not looking good, but what I’m confused about is why a man would stay for 3 hours until his date had to leave, seemingly showing signs of interest and enjoyment of the date, if he wasn’t feeling it? Would love perspectives but would especially welcome those from men. 

Thank you in advance!

Edited August 9, 2022 by babybrowns

[Happy Lemming]

(Male here)

Yes, even if the date isn't going well or I decided (during the date) that I don't like the woman, I'll stay and do a normal length date.  3 hours isn't going to make or break me and I can be polite for that time. 

In my opinion, the woman dressed up, put on makeup, traveled to the restaurant/pub and made the attempt at the date, so to end it after 25-30 minutes would be rude.  So yes... I'd buy a couple rounds of drinks, an appetizer or two, smile, laugh and chit-chat for 3 hours.

Then go home -- and move onto the next woman.

Many, many years ago, I got set up on a blind date -- the woman was HIDEOUS, but I did the date, smiled, laughed, etc.  And never called her again. 

 

[babybrowns]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

(Male here)

Yes, even if the date isn't going well or I decided (during the date) that I don't like the woman, I'll stay and do a normal length date.  3 hours isn't going to make or break me and I can be polite for that time. 

In my opinion, the woman dressed up, put on makeup, traveled to the restaurant/pub and made the attempt at the date, so to end it after 25-30 minutes would be rude.  So yes... I'd buy a couple rounds of drinks, an appetizer or two, smile, laugh and chit-chat for 3 hours.

Then go home -- and move onto the next woman.

Many, many years ago, I got set up on a blind date -- the woman was HIDEOUS, but I did the date, smiled, laughed, etc.  And never called her again. 

 

Thank you for this. But would you not have been conscious of ‘leading her on’ in a way? In my personal experience as a woman, dates similar to this one have been followed up by a positive message from the man the same day expressing an interest to meet again, whereas where the man hasn’t been interested, he has made an excuse to leave the date early after one drink. It has saved both our times, especially the person who has to travel back home. Waste of time for both people otherwise 

[Happy Lemming]

Perhaps this gentleman was similar to me, he didn't want to be rude and just end the date abruptly.  Some of us men were taught proper manners from our mothers. 

It is a first date, no one is leading anyone on by attending and being polite for a couple of hours. 

It is possible he found you interesting enough to talk to for a few hours, but felt no connection nor desire for a second date.

I don't really understand how either of you would be "wasting each other's time", its not like men schedule multiple dates in the same evening.  If I scheduled a date for a Friday night at 7:00pm, I don't schedule another one at 9:30pm in case the first one doesn't work out. 

[Alvi]

28 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

the woman was HIDEOUS,

How hideous could she possible be after a drink or two? lol. Kidding!

 

OK, I am a female here but here is my point of view. I would not end a date unless a guy grossly misrepresented himself or that he is rude crude or disrespectful to me or anybody around me. I think it is rude to leave just because you feel no chemistry. I like talking to people and learning about their lives and finding out their points of view. 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

After 3 hours of good conversation, lots of laughter from both sides and some flirting and compliments from him, I said I had to leave since I had an early morning the next morning.

I am pretty sure I've done that myself. Laughing and flirting when I felt no interest in a guy. Don't think that I thought it in the terms that I was leading anybody on. It was more like going with a flow and having a good time (even with no chemistry). A convo is just a convo in most cases and few compliments are just that, few compliments. 

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

despite me being the one to travel to his neighbourhood for the date.

To be fair, this is your first clue that a guy is not that into you before a date. He is probably not that interested or too lazy if asks you to do all the travelling and to meet him in his neck of the woods. If he is interested, don't think that he would mind going to some place that you would feel more close to your home and feel more comfortable. Something to keep in mind for yourself for the future.

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

he didn’t even walk me to the train station at the end of the date; the road branched near where he lived so we said goodbye there. No kiss, just a hug from him.

Don't know how louder he could say to you that he is not interested. No other clues needed. 

18 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It has saved both our times, especially the person who has to travel back home. Waste of time for both people

To be fair, dating is a waste of time till you meet "The One". But don't think about meeting someone as a time wasted. Look at the bright side. You've got out of your house and met someone new and interesting. Even if it didn't go anywhere, so what? This is what dating is all about, meeting people. But do not go out of your way to meet someone who lives too far from you or who is unwilling to meet you at least halfway. 

Edited August 9, 2022 by Alvi

[Alpacalia]

He's not interested.

Not a man, but I've sat through a couple first dates in my hayday longer than I cared for while my mind is thinking "I can't wait for this date to be over."

We date to find someone we want to have a relationship with. If the date is bad, or you or the other person isn't feeling it for whatever reason, then this person is not someone to pursue for a relationship. You have dodged the bullet of unhappiness.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you for this. But would you not have been conscious of ‘leading her on’ in a way? 

Of course not.  In your description of this date, there was no leading on whatsoever.  A date never has any implications of a future, unless you are already in some kind of arrangement with the person.  It's a DATE.  Once both people have committed to going on one, they might as well see if they can have an enjoyable time.  Sounds like you did.  3 hours of a pleasant social time is 3 hours well spent, even though this one proved to be a one-off thing.

Obviously he was extra clear with you when he didn't walk you to the train.

Why did you go to his neighborhood to meet?  I think this is something you've done in other situations as well.  In the future, don't do this.  Find someplace equidistant.  

 

Edited August 9, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[smackie9]

he stayed out because it was an evening out probably been awhile for him, so he just took it for what it was. Doesn't mean romantic interest. The majority of men I dated that were interested, asked me out again before the date ended, one asked me the very next day with a single rose delivered to my door with a note. What I'm saying is gauge by their willingness to see you again. If they don't make the effort, it's probably a no and not worth your time to worry about it. 

Edited August 9, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

there was no followup from him at all. Not even a message to check whether I’d got home ok,

Did you text/call and thank him for the date or follow up in any way? Perhaps he was being polite, but you rushed off. So it's unclear if he felt you had zero interest.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

whereas where the man hasn’t been interested, he has made an excuse to leave.

Could it be possible that this^ is what he assumed about you?   That you weren't interested?

I mean you said you were laughing, talking, flirting, clicking and suddenly you had to leave? 

Ok, you had work the next day, but there were times when I was attracted and we were vibing well and clicking, I've stayed out later and gone into work the next day tired. 

It was a good tired though as I was energized from meeting and clicking with a great guy the night before. 

It's hard to say without knowing what type of vibe you projected when announcing you suddenly had to leave but it's quite possible he was put off by it. 

Did you call afterwards and thank him for the date? 

Just trying to see it from a different lens BB, his lens, that's all.

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

Yup, pretty much all dates where there wasn’t chemistry I’d still stay. Even had a really good time on some of my them. I remember one incident specifically where she walked in and was exactly my physical type, but within five minutes of talking I knew we weren’t a match. We had already ordered drinks, and I casually laughed and said “well clearly we’re not a match”. She laughed too and said “I’m glad you said something”. Then we shared an appy, had another drink, laughed and had a good time. She invited me to a party she was going to afterwards, and I declined. And that was that. Good date. Not a match. It happens.

Edited August 9, 2022 by Weezy1973

[introverted1]

Woman here.

I always bring my best self to a date and, even if there's no chemistry/connection, I can still enjoy meeting a new person.  Unless my date did something egregious, I feel it would be pretty rude to leave quickly.   

That said, I would not be impressed by a man who did not walk me to my train station, regardless whether he wanted to see me again.  Any time I have met a man somewhere, he has walked me to my car, regardless my or his intentions for the future. 

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But would you not have been conscious of ‘leading her on’ in a way?

Huh?  No!  Where did you get this idea? It's not leading someone on to have a pleasant evening with no intention of repeating the event.

[mark clemson]

If you're trying to get SOME sense of their personality/compatibility it's not at all crazy to hang around for a few hours. Else how would you know. Unless there is something truly off-putting about the other person, you need to spend some time with them to start to get a vibe from them. 

To me it sounds like he gave it a shot ("it" being sizing you up for interest/compatibility) and decided no for whatever reason, but didn't take the extra step of telling you that directly.

[poppyfields]

I think he may have been put off by YOU and your sudden need to end the date.  See my previous post.  

I am almost convinced of this now 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

That said, I would not be impressed by a man who did not walk me to my train station, regardless whether he wanted to see me again.  Any time I have met a man somewhere, he has walked me to my car, regardless my or his intentions for the future. 

Agree.

The dude is rude if he can't even walk you the train station after traveling all that way to meet him.

[Lotsgoingon]

Staying 3 hours simply means I am enjoying the person. Doesn't mean I'm feeling a deep conviction that this is someone I should go out with again.  Means I'm feeling some connection and I really enjoy the person's energy, something about the person. Dates are often journeys when you're on them. So at hour two, it's not like I'm saying "this won't go anywhere." I'm more saying, "she's all right. Let me hang some more."

And no, it never remotely crossed my mind that I was leading someone on. I don't think there is such a thing. In the old days, lots of women were saddled with that pressure to go out again or continue a date in order to avoid the supposed sin of leading someone one. Nonsense. We have the right to change our mind at any point, no matter what has happened before. We all have the right to change our minds at any point, from minutes into a date, to days after a date ... to about ready to take off clothes ... to clothes are already off, touching has begun. It's OK to say no at any of those points.

I think you may be missing some of the joy of going out on a date--whether another date ensues or not.  I've been on great dates where we didn't follow up. What was great? Well, conversation was good.  I learned a lot about someone who was likable. I learned a lot about myself. Actually just exploring things with someone can be fun. You don't have to turn that into a failure. 

One of the best dates I went on a few years back lasted about three hours. We both felt something, and  we both explored and asked deep questions. At the end, it was just clear I didn't feel enough to start dating this person. But I really liked her, and the date was a blast. The conversation was to die for. I'm a conversation person and my date was one of the best storytellers, speakers--and incredibly open--I've ever met. I was like in a trance, and told her so. 

But I didn't know what I thought about going out again until I got to the end of the date. Sometimes I know in 5 minutes. Even then, if the person is likable and seems pretty confident and non needy, I might hang out just to see what they're about. 

Question: putting aside what happened later: did you enjoy the date?

 

 

Edited August 9, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The date had all the good signs to it, and he also got us a second round of drinks. After 3 hours of good conversation, lots of laughter from both sides and some flirting and compliments from him, I said I had to leave since I had an early morning the next morning.

BB, I am not discounting the other responses but this^ is why I think you should at least consider the possibility he may have been put off by your sudden departure and why he may have thought YOU were not interested.

1.  The fact he ordered a second round of drinks.

2.  The fact there was 3 hours of laughter, mutual flirting, lots of compliments from him.   Maybe it's just my experience, but a man simply wanting to be "polite" does not do these things.

Then suddenly in the midst of all these great vibes between you, you suddenly announce you had to leave.

Put yourself in HIS shoes please.  How would YOU have felt if he suddenly announced he had to leave?

So many people fail to do that.  Put themselves in the other person's shoes and imagine how they would feel had they done the same to you.

Him not walking you to the train, after vibing as well as you were vibing, is consistent with him being put off and assuming you were not interested.   A  man simply wanting to be polite would have walked you to the train, out of politeness.

If I am right, I am not saying his reaction was mature, but it would make sense.  

His ego was bruised, he felt rejected.

You have posted previously that you are difficult to read and have often put off "I am not interested" vibes in the past.

Again, just my take and something for you to consider.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

P.S.

I would have definitely walked you to your car or to the train. I would have waited at the train station with you until your train arrived and you were safely on board. .

And I would have definitely checked on you to make sure you arrived home safely.

That he did neither was a real red flag. He's a jerk. 

[Ami1uwant]

There is not enough to say one way or another.

 

he could be inexperience in doing an online date and forget to ask.

if he goes with you some might view that as stalkerish fir a first meet.

 

it could have been genuine  and not faking/ being nice. Even so he could have not been attracted to you.

[Versacehottie]

I'm going to advise the basic premise that you have to wrap your head around because it's a recurrent theme in your posts:

You need to learn how to process your thinking where you factor in the possibility that not every person will think as you do...In fact, most won't.

I would venture to suggest that some of your negative & flawed thinking IS the reason that you end up with the outcomes that you end up with. The negative/flawed thinking starts the cycle and actually ends up being a major contributor to the reason that you get the results you get. For ex..if you believe these things in your head, you start acting guarded and suspicious, which turns the other person off and then he's not interested in you. I'd also venture that a least a portion of your "thinking" is actually your worries and not quite logical thinking...so it only serves to sabotage you vs help you out. You seem to have a problem staying in the present moment vs. the past and some unknown future.  This thinking is sabotaging, as someone said, you from bringing your best in the moment, in the present. I would also say that because you are stuck in analytic mode right now, it's further preventing you from taking positive concrete action based on a set of assumptions you are making.  As someone asked, did YOU thank him? I actually think standard is more along those lines. Guy asks & pays for first date and woman thanks him by text afterward, indicating she'd like to do it again-either outright saying it or subtly by sending the text. 

Also I don't get why you can't apply your logic to your own actions as someone said: he may have felt your call for "an early morning" was abrupt or disingenuous, therefore himself not believing you were interested in him. In other words, you are seeing his actions as putting the final stamp on what the relationship WILL or WILL NOT be, but do not seem to be able to comprehend how your own actions might signal the same thing to him.  Or might signal disinterest or not being grateful for the evening or enjoying yourself. 

Not a guy, but to answer your original question as many people have said--which proves that not everyone thinks as you do...of course, once you are on a date, you might not feel it to be a romantic match but plenty of reasons that SOME people see it through! Among them: you are already there; you are having a good/decent time without seeing it as something that has longevity or even purpose for a 2nd or 3rd date; each moment you are there is another chance for the date to TURN into that and perhaps he was hoping it would TURN; he doesn't feel like it's a waste of time or leading you on; he doesn't process his feelings about you until later on, after the date is over, where he sees if he feels compelled to ask you out again or stay in touch.

Edited August 10, 2022 by Versacehottie

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, when I have to cut short a date with someone I really like, I go out of my way to buffer things. First, I would say something like, "I'm so sorry. I'm having a blast, a real blast. But I do need to head home because I have a super-early meeting tomorrow." I'd give the specific time of the meeting. 

People can handle disappointing news if you explain it well to them. On first dates, there is no trust. Therefore, I can't just say "Hey I gotta go. Got early meeting." To a good friend, you can say that and the friend gets you and believes you. New date--no trust. So anything abrupt has to be buffered. But this isn't just acting. If you're having a good time, you want to make clear that you are having a great time. 

You have to to anticipate the need for more trust-building words when you're out with a stranger. 

 

Edited August 10, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[chillii]

Unless you did just go boom- ok l'm going now which l'd assume you didn't and gave a bit of warring. Sounds like he just hung about, made some fun out of it not to waste the night just wasn't interested in more. And why would you even want more anyway l mean the guy lets you walk of to the train at night alone and even after you go to him too no less.

Edited August 10, 2022 by chillii

[Tullyseptember]

I didn't read anywhere that OP left abruptly in her initial post.  Unless I missed it?  Three hours seems to be a decent amount of time to spend together, especially if you are getting up early the next day for work!

[basil67]

I too have read nothing to make me assume you left abruptly.  After a three hour date, mentioning that there's a train due soon and you need to get going is perfectly reasonable.  I'm sure I've legitimately used that one myself in many a social situation when the trains or busses are running on a more limited night timetable.  

In answer to your question, I have a feeling that no matter how long a (failed) date stays, it could be interpreted badly.  Leave early and they can be accused of not giving the other enough of a chance.  Leave after a good amount of time and they can be accused of presenting as more interested than they actually are.  I think it's best to view it as everyone being different.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

  I’m confused about is why a man would stay for 3 hours until his date had to leave, 

Are you interested in him?  It doesn't seem like it. If so, why haven't you reached out to let him know you had a good time rather than running off claiming you had an early morning?