One-track mind kind of man?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yep! after 18 months he called me to tell me he's still in love with me, always will be, and leaving me was his biggest mistake. That really messed up my head and my heart for a few days. He's now living in Toronto (6 hours away). After some back and forth I told him when he's sorted out he knows where to find me, until then I cannot play friends. 

Well G, I suppose in a way this^ was your hidden agenda that this man knew nothing about.   And certainly added to your uncertainty and lack of investment, no doubt.

I do agree you did NOT let him slip away.   And that him ghosting you for three weeks was totally lame.

But everything happens for a reason, what's meant to be.  I truly believe that.  And your relationship with this man was definitely not meant to be.

However I do think there is a lesson to be learned from it.  That your ex played and will continue to play a major role in any new relationships you attempt to develop since breaking up with him 18 months ago.

And unless and until you resolve your feelings about him and the relationship in general (i.e. his cheating, his returning, etc), I think it will be very difficult for you to be truly "into" and fully invested in any man.

My advice is to do a little reflecting and introspecting.  You have stated previously how men constantly disappoint you.   It might serve you well to look within to determine the role you play in that by choosing and continuing to date men you are not into or invested in.

Surely, this has a bearing in how your relationships play out.  No all of course, but a part.

All that said, I would like to think that at least you have found closure with your ex, but I don't think you have.  I think him reconnecting with you has opened up a whole range of emotions for you and by saying what's quote below, you have left the door open for him to once again return.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

After some back and forth I told him when he's sorted out he knows where to find me, until then I cannot play friends. 

 

Edited August 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[IrinaM]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He told me when l mentionned it had been 4 weeks he said he had to go back to our conversations and call history to double check because to him it could not have been that long and he was shocked to see l was right.

This ^^ just isn't true. Obviously. It's not even a decent lie, it's just too ridiculous. You gave him the opportunity to explain his way out of this, and he gaslighted you.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

This ^^ just isn't true. Obviously. It's not even a decent lie, it's just too ridiculous. You gave him the opportunity to explain his way out of this, and he gaslighted you.

I know. He probably met someone else. Many men won't drop a woman until they secured a new one. 

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I know. He probably met someone else. Many men won't drop a woman until they secured a new one. 

Or he was telling the truth. Regardless, it doesn’t matter does it? More important at the moment is your thoughts on your ex. Do you want HIM specifically back? Or is this just because you’re so discouraged that he seems like the only option? 

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 Or is this just because you’re so discouraged that he seems like the only option? 

Concerning my ex, no not at all because I'm discouraged. I was not done mourning him, my heart was still waiting for him even if it sounds completely irrational. I know I will get over him, it will just take time. It's not an issue for now, we are not talking anymore. 

[Tullyseptember]

The emotions of mourning/letting go of longterm relationships never seems to be a linear process.  You will get there at one point and I don't think you need to stop dating for this to happen.  Your experiences with different people will mold in your mind of what you would like to have and not to have! 

I've been single for six years and I've tried dating on and off and have not had positive experiences.  The negativity of these experiences were of my own doing.  I first blamed the men.  It was not fair to do this, not to say there was not a joint blame to be had! 

In my case, I have needed to be alone to enjoy being alone with myself.  It's taken me 53 years to not be afraid being completley alone.  I'm not suggesting this is the same for you just that this is what I found was holding me back.  I'm not looking anymore and this for me is a good place to be in.  Maybe one day if I'm fortunate to live a long life, I will meet another old person and we will find respect and love in each other 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

This ^^ just isn't true. Obviously. It's not even a decent lie, it's just too ridiculous. You gave him the opportunity to explain his way out of this, and he gaslighted you.

I disagree…..

 

you can easily forget if you had to do this early on and thrn out of sight out of mind.

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

you can easily forget if you had to do this early on and thrn out of sight out of mind.

Yes, you never forget important people to you. But if you could care less about them, well, out of sight, out of mind.

[Eternal Sunshine]

10 hours ago, Alvi said:

Yes, you never forget important people to you. But if you could care less about them, well, out of sight, out of mind.

True, but when I look at my friends, most are married to guys where things started very slow and casual. Like 10 days between texts, non exclusive for the first 6 months etc etc. 5-7 years before marriage proposal...

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

True, but when I look at my friends, most are married to guys where things started very slow and casual. Like 10 days between texts, non exclusive for the first 6 months etc etc. 5-7 years before marriage proposal...

True. Lots of different ways to start a long term relationship. 

[Alvi]

8 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

True, but when I look at my friends, most are married to guys where things started very slow and casual. Like 10 days between texts, non exclusive for the first 6 months etc etc. 5-7 years before marriage proposal...

Yes, this is true. But I suppose, it is different for everybody. Something like this would not work for me, but it is more than fine for another person. But as long as both people are both happy and content with this radio silence for day or weeks, it is all good. But there would be a problem if if one person wants more and another does not.

[chillii]

9 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

True, but when I look at my friends, most are married to guys where things started very slow and casual. Like 10 days between texts, non exclusive for the first 6 months etc etc. 5-7 years before marriage proposal...

 

Yeah l suppose so.

Admittedly when l comment on stuff l view it in the way that it worked for me and has never let me down and my beliefs and what have you , or couples that l know of and respect butttt, that's me. The reality is though really there are different scenarios and ways that worked for other people to, true !

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2022 by chillii

[Alpacalia]

On 8/18/2022 at 9:10 AM, Gaeta said:

That really messed up my head and my heart for a few days. He's now living in Toronto (6 hours away). After some back and forth I told him when he's sorted out he knows where to find me, until then I cannot play friends. 

In what world is it a good idea to invite a man that cheated on you compulsively to contact you when he has himself sorted out? Better question. Do you really feel that low?

The proper response would have been, "you know where to find me, and it's not with you."

Edited August 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In what world is it a good idea to invite a man that cheated on you compulsively to contact you when he has himself sorted out?

It's like saying contact me when chicken fly.  That file is closed. Actually him contacting me is helping me close that chapter.  Maybe l'll be able to make a real connection now. 

[Classicfiction]

Hey @Gaeta, I'm so sorry this is happening to you with user guys.  Girl I am in quite a similar situation and it really sucks.  A guy I've been into says quite frequently he is doing all kinds of activities with his sons and I know that's not the case every time.

This dude who went on vacation was absolutely talking to or physically with another woman the entire time.  I'm sorry but on the spectrum or math-minded etc is not going to make someone compartmentalize so drastically that they don't reach out at all.  I know everyone has already come to that conclusion.  It's just really sh*** that guy put it in your face that the kid's "second mom" was taking him to the airport.  That's so rude.

And the ex situation too... exactly what I've been going through.  You know its really hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel when you've got yourself tangled up with several disrespectful men.  And honestly, I think thats why we hang on and don't fully close doors.  Because in our gut we know each guy is not that into it so letting go of one is not safe.

But just wanted to share something that might help.  I've recently been in therapy on a weekly basis and was discussing with the therapist how I don't get approached in public.  He was saying surely you have options (Im not unattractive).  But it was true, I was not getting approached.  And the therapist pointed out that my energy was defeatist and low due to the ex and people were probably picking up on that.

Sure enough, once I finally closed the door on the ex and felt good about it, I started having people approach and say hi/give compliments.

Girl, you gotta close these doors and get your sparkle back.  Too many users have taken your sparkle and are blocking you from being open to a good guy!

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Girl, you gotta close these doors and get your sparkle back.  Too many users have taken your sparkle and are blocking you from being open to a good guy!

Hangning on to my ex kept me from experiencing a real connection. Dating these men I was not into was my way of keeping my heart free in case my ex came back @poppyfields saw that one before I made that realization myself.  

How fortunate my ex did 'come back' to show me he had nothing to offer me. His come back was a blessing in disguise to help me let go. 

And it happenned  I met someone I am very excited about, he brings me a lot of joy! 

Edited September 17, 2022 by Gaeta