Ami1uwant Posted August 17, 2022 Posted August 17, 2022 39 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I sent him an email at lunch. He's blocked everywhere else. I told him l saw he's been trying to call me, that l was disappointed l had not heard from him a total of 4 weeks. I did not expect to be a priority during his son's visit but l didn't expect to be off his list completely. I said l don't know why he's like that but it's contradicting everything he said to me during the last day we spent together. He replied he was sad l was not picking up his calls, not because l was wrong to ignore him but because his actions lead to it. He added he had to deal with a lot of family drama and it's not over but what he really wish is for me to give him a chance to explain himself over the phone. He asked if he could call at 5h today. I did not reply back yet. It sounds weak to me. You will go back out with him if you talk. 1
IrinaM Posted August 17, 2022 Posted August 17, 2022 On 8/8/2022 at 9:29 PM, Gaeta said: He had asked me to help him find activities and places to go with his son, I sent him a dozen. @Gaeta, please don't take this as harsh, but stop doing stuff like this ^^^ for men. I know that he asked you to, but you can say "no, I'm too busy, I can't." Don't give men rides home either. Stop doing stuff for guys. It draws dusty men, and also brings out the dusty in men that might be okay dudes. 3
chillii Posted August 17, 2022 Posted August 17, 2022 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: Good on paper? Toss that paper in the trash, paper won't keep you warm at night. Exactly what l was trying to say last reply in the other thread.
Author Gaeta Posted August 18, 2022 Author Posted August 18, 2022 So we spoke for about an hour on the phone. In short he realized he's not ready to invest in a relationship, his reasonning is he thought he was but if a few distractions kept him from investing in me then he must not be. He said he would like we remain friends that he always enjoyed our time together and our debates are always fun. I'm an idiot l let this one slip away. Now i'm sad
mark clemson Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: In short he realized he's not ready to invest in a relationship, his reasonning is he thought he was but if a few distractions kept him from investing in me then he must not be. ... I'm an idiot l let this one slip away. Now i'm sad Hmm. Assuming what he said is true, there's actually nothing you could have done, so I disagree that you had much to do with it. Also, it's always possible, although not overly likely, that he's feeding you a line and back-burnering you while he looks for someone else. I'd say a low possibility, but real. Either way, it seems that a) this isn't going to work out, b) that really isn't your fault at all, and c) the best option is likely to just drop this one as infeasible, regroup a bit emotionally, and on to the next. He seemed nice but this was doomed from the start due his lack of readiness to actually have a good relationship. Sad, but c'est la vie... Next! 3
Alvi Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: So we spoke for about an hour on the phone. In short he realized he's not ready to invest in a relationship, his reasonning is he thought he was but if a few distractions kept him from investing in me then he must not be. He said he would like we remain friends that he always enjoyed our time together and our debates are always fun. I'm an idiot l let this one slip away. Now i'm sad Gaeta, forgive me for shouting, BUT WHY AREYOU BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THIS? This guy told you that he wasn't that much invested in you so how do you figure that this is your fault? Please, don't be too hard on yourself. This is all on him. No guy that is truly interested in having a future with you is going to ignore you for 3 weeks and then ignore you some more. No matter how busy he is, no matter what is going on with his family or whatever. I do believe that he though that he was ready to date and gave it a best shot with you. But truth is that he is probably nowhere ready for anything serious or long lasting and that his best shot is not good enough for you. I am speculating, but I am thinking that he was lying a lot (even unintentionally) to you and he did a lot of future faking with you. Perhaps you didn't notice this because you wanted to believe him so badly. You should've blocked him on absolutely everything. I am quite surprised that you allowed him to phone you and explain himself. No explanation is needed (or good enough) after three weeks of AWOL. Please, don't stay friends with him. Regroup for a bit and keep going. 6
Alvi Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 9 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Also, it's always possible, although not overly likely, that he's feeding you a line and back-burnering you while he looks for someone else. I'd say a low possibility, but real. Would not be surprising at all if he is either seeing someone else or is back with his ex. Or is looking for a bigger better deal. It happens more often than not. I mean, why would you suddenly stop talking to a person that you've been dating for four month? Unless, there is somebody else in the picture. Can't say for sure that this is what he is doing but it is plausible. 3
Author Gaeta Posted August 18, 2022 Author Posted August 18, 2022 He told me when l mentionned it had been 4 weeks he said he had to go back to our conversations and call history to double check because to him it could not have been that long and he was shocked to see l was right. He apologized profusely and he said nothing could justify a silence that long. Ironic this vacation made him realize he was less attached than he thought, and l realized l was more attached than l thought. Anyway, life goes on eh!
chillii Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Hmm. Assuming what he said is true, there's actually nothing you could have done, so I disagree that you had much to do with it. Yep , he's just not into it enough to go further g, not your fault matter of fact more prob would've pushed him to that realization sooner if anything 1
Happy Lemming Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: In short he realized he's not ready to invest in a relationship, his reasonning is he thought he was but if a few distractions kept him from investing in me then he must not be. I'd be curious if he takes down his on-line dating profile or at minimum change it -- so it reads he is looking for an FWB or NSA encounter. 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I'm an idiot l let this one slip away. Now i'm sad As others have stated, you did nothing wrong... How did you let him "slip away"?? He wasn't honest about wanting a relationship, I'm not buying his reasoning about distractions. We all have distractions in life -- he just didn't care how he treated you. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: So we spoke for about an hour on the phone. In short he realized he's not ready to invest in a relationship, his reasonning is he thought he was but if a few distractions kept him from investing in me then he must not be. He said he would like we remain friends that he always enjoyed our time together and our debates are always fun. I'm an idiot l let this one slip away. Now i'm sad It’s not your fault. 44 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He told me when l mentionned it had been 4 weeks he said he had to go back to our conversations and call history to double check because to him it could not have been that long and he was shocked to see l was right. He apologized profusely and he said nothing could justify a silence that long. Ironic this vacation made him realize he was less attached than he thought, and l realized l was more attached than l thought. Anyway, life goes on eh! You were together fir how long before this vacation? this is common early in a relationship where one goes on a vacation or business trip for a long period of time and the relationship dies. He liked spending time with you but wasn’t invested in you. 1
Alvi Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 48 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Ironic this vacation made him realize he was less attached than he thought, and l realized l was more attached than l thought. I am sorry. Sometimes it goes that way. But still, how could he not realize that he have not talked you for 3-4 weeks? Buffing. Anyway, at least you've got your closure, even if he wasn't entirely honest with you. And now can move forward. 3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: his is common early in a relationship where one goes on a vacation or business trip for a long period of time and the relationship dies. He liked spending time with you but wasn’t invested in you. Yeah, it is true if there is not much investment by either person. The vacation could be a relationship killer if there wasn't enough depth or interest. 2
poppyfields Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alvi said: Yeah, it is true if there is not much investment by either person. The vacation could be a relationship killer if there wasn't enough depth or interest. I agree with this. Again admittedly Gaeta you weren't into him, you were not invested and HE no doubt sensed that (which he expressed to you) which ultimately resulted in him either losing interest himself or never being all that invested in the first place. I hate to keep harping on this but that is why it's not wise to date men you're not all that into and not invested in. It just just never works out well. What ends up happening is one or both of you will move on when you find that genuine connection with someone else. Which may have been what happened here, that's what it sounds like. 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: Ironic this vacation made him realize he was less attached than he thought, and l realized l was more attached than l thought. I'm not sure what you're saying here. Are you saying when he showed interest, by being consistent, telling you he envisioned a long term relationship with you, and other indicators of interest, you were NOT that interested or invested, but then when he began pulling back, disappeared for three weeks, indicating a clear loss of interest, you suddenly became interested? If so, I am really surprised by that. And it confirms what many men actually believe - that when they display a high level of interest, woman don't respond well, but when they act aloof and distant, or even disappear like this man did, she will respond and her interest will perk up. I don't like to assume so if you could clarify what you meant by that comment, it might provide a better understanding. In any event, I am sorry you got disappointed. All the best moving forward G. Edited August 18, 2022 by poppyfields 1
bene Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: He told me when l mentionned it had been 4 weeks he said he had to go back to our conversations and call history to double check because to him it could not have been that long and he was shocked to see l was right. I’m sorry but it just gets worse and worse. So saying that you never crossed his mind in four weeks and he had to check call logs somehow makes things better? I can see how it can happen with a casual acquaintance that you say “oh my, has it really been that long”. With a woman you’re dating, come on! You know men better than that. You didn’t let him slip away if he invested so little to begin with. 3
poppyfields Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 (edited) I don't think it's fair to blame this all on him. From what Gaeta has posted, he was quite invested during the early stages, consistent, giving, telling her he envisioned a LTR with her. SHE was the one holding back on her investment, wasn't all that "into" him, she posted this. He noticed (obviously) and expressed that to her by saying she was "difficult and not invested " his exact words. So really, is it any surprise that he began losing interest and pulled back? Disappeared for three weeks? I don't agree with how he chose to handle Gaeta's ambivalence or whatever we wish to call it but nevertheless he did what he needed to do for himself in order to reassess the relationship and gain clarity. Wouldn't any of us have done the same if a man we were dating was "difficult" and lacked interest and investment? Why should men be any different? Gaeta, I am not saying this to be hurtful, hell maybe the guy was lying about everything and a d-bag. And certainly what he said at the end about forgetting to call you for three weeks was lame but by then it was over for him.. However it did sound like for a time he was quite invested and I hardly think you would have continued dating him for four months if there weren't some show of interest and investment on his part, even though you weren't there yet. I think it's important to own our s***, take responsibility for our part, I am a huge proponent of that. Otherwise we won't learn a damn thing and will continue making poor choices for ourselves which includes dating men we ourselves are not into or invested in. We live, we make mistakes, we learn, we grow, we evolve. Otherwise what's the point of any of it? $.02. Edited August 18, 2022 by poppyfields 2
introverted1 Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 20 hours ago, Gaeta said: He added he had to deal with a lot of family drama and it's not over but what he really wish is for me to give him a chance to explain himself over the phone. Did he address this in your call? I am thinking that he had some sort of interaction with his son's "second mother" while he was away, and that's what diverted him for 4 weeks. I don't buy for a minute that he was unaware of how long it had been. I mean, yes, he could be unaware if it had been 3 days or 4 days, but there is no way he had to check his call log to realise he hadn't contacted you in 4 weeks! I think what you are feeling now is the letdown of this not working out, and that's normal. Perhaps at some level you were hoping that your call last night would have revealed information that would have made it possible to carry on. I am sorry you are disappointed but I don't think you did anything wrong here. Nor do I think that he has been entirely honest with you in saying he thought he was ready to invest but realised belatedly that he wasn't. Perhaps you will never know the real reason behind his "why" but I don't think you let him slip away. He was already slipping. I hope you feel better soon. 6
Weezy1973 Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 I always found around the three to four month mark was the beginning of the transition from dating to relationship and therefore the point where a lot of times things fizzle out. I suspect that’s what happened here. When the prospect of moving to the next natural step - whether he was conscious of it or not - he realized he didn’t want to move forward. The reason really doesn’t matter. Not a match. Next! 4
Author Gaeta Posted August 18, 2022 Author Posted August 18, 2022 7 hours ago, poppyfields said: SHE was the one holding back on her investment, wasn't all that "into" him, she posted this. He noticed (obviously) and expressed that to her by saying she was "difficult and not invested " his exact words. However it did sound like for a time he was quite invested and I hardly think you would have continued dating him for four months if there weren't some show of interest and investment on his part, even though you weren't there yet. Yes, I think it's something like that. He was definitely into it till his vacations.
alphamale Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yes, I think it's something like that. He was definitely into it till his vacations. Forget about this clown and move on. Next! 3
Author Gaeta Posted August 18, 2022 Author Posted August 18, 2022 9 hours ago, poppyfields said: and l realized l was more attached than l thought. @poppyfields: I made that realization when we spoke on the phone, not really during his vacations. When I heard his voice I realized how much I had missed it and missed him and I was surprised to be genuinely sad he was letting me go. During his vacations I also had my vacation, I got covid, my teeange girl got her big surgery, my ex got back in the picture, I didn't really have time to miss him, but I did think about him often and wondered how he was and why I wasn't on his mind.
Weezy1973 Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 52 minutes ago, Gaeta said: my ex got back in the picture… Wait, what?!??
Author Gaeta Posted August 18, 2022 Author Posted August 18, 2022 18 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Wait, what?!?? Yep! after 18 months he called me to tell me he's still in love with me, always will be, and leaving me was his biggest mistake. That really messed up my head and my heart for a few days. He's now living in Toronto (6 hours away). After some back and forth I told him when he's sorted out he knows where to find me, until then I cannot play friends.
NuevoYorko Posted August 18, 2022 Posted August 18, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, Gaeta said: I'm an idiot l let this one slip away. Now i'm sad STOP. You didn't let him slip away. He ignored you for weeks. He let YOU slip away, or, rather, just moved on without a word. That is a major jerk move. Every reason that you had for giving up on this before this recent conversation still holds absolutely true. If he needs to ghost a person to suddenly realize he's "not ready" for a relationship, he's definitely NOT relationship material. At the very least you need a man who is mature enough to know he's not ready for a relationship without inadvertently dumping someone he's dating. That is completely ridiculous. I don't understand how or why you are reevaluating this guy due to this one conversation. Regarding your ex: The one who had been cheating on you for a long time? I haven't gone back over the threads but in my recollection, he didn't exactly leave you, he was just two (or more than two) timing on you? Edited August 18, 2022 by NuevoYorko 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 18, 2022 Author Posted August 18, 2022 7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Regarding your ex: The one who had been cheating on you for a long time? I haven't gone back over the threads but in my recollection, he didn't exactly leave you, he was just two (or more than two) timing on you? He told me the cheating had been going on for 2 months, I had already looked at his phone bills and it's about that 2 months. I did not look up 5 years of phone bills though. But in those 2 months yes, he was cheating compulsively.
Recommended Posts