One-track mind kind of man?

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Weezy1973: l tried to think outside the box and gave a chance (many times) to men l was moderately attracted to in the hope l'd meet better men. It doesn't work well either. My lack of attraction turns into a lack of motivation and they detect it. 

Yes for sure, that’s what makes it so tough. I wish there was some magic piece of advice that would suddenly make everything click. 

[Alpacalia]

There is a tendency to gravitate towards dysfunctions you're familiar with.

Likewise, the opposite is true.

Somewhere (somehow) you need to break the cycle and I'm not too convinced there is a magic piece of advice that any of us can provide.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My lack of attraction turns into a lack of motivation and they detect it. 

Exactly which is what I meant when saying this:

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

He will sense your ambivalence, your indifference and that energy will bounce back over to him. 

But yeah, agree with @Weezythat the men you are highly attracted to aren't the best candidates for long term.

I don't know G, this IS a tough one but I still don't think you should settle. 

Your energy becomes their energy back to you and vice versa.  And you end up disappointed anyway. 

Anyway, hugs G and I still believe the right man is out there.  

But you will never meet him if you continue in these mediocre relationships.

[FMW]

Do you feel you are fully emotionally available for a long term relationship?  Sometimes we want something but aren't quite ready for it yet.  That may be why you have been attracted to these men who aren't quite available either. 

I had that experience following my divorce.  I ultimately wanted a committed long term relationship but I just wasn't up for one for a while.  It took me awhile to work through unresolved issues.  Even my current relationship started only 9 months following his wife's death.  Obviously he wasn't going to be fully emotionally available at that point.  We felt enough of a connection and were both happy to take it slow for awhile and grew into a deeper relationship.  That was three years ago, and we're at a very different place now.  We're both very happy we met and have moved forward.  But that probably wouldn't work for most people - both parties need to be available from the beginning.  

[Happy Lemming]

I thought more and more about this guy and tried to put myself in his shoes (so to speak).

I came to the conclusion that he doesn't care if he has sex with Gaeta again or not.  Either sex isn't all that important to him (at this point in his life) or he is interested in or is already having sex with some other woman.  I don't think it matters what "vibe" Gaeta is giving off or anything like that.  As a guy, if I'm having sex with a willing participant, I'm not the least bit worried about "vibes" or other inconsequential stuff.

I remember dating & pursuing this one woman "C", when I met this other woman "K" at a party and I ended up going home with "K".  Over the next week, I was still pursuing "C" and completely forgot about "K" when she called me up and asked why I hadn't contacted her.  The truth of the matter is I didn't call "K" because I didn't care if I had sex with her again or not.  I was hyper focused on dating "C".

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

I haven’t read any of the replies G so sorry if this has been said already. 
 

I wouldn’t tolerate this G, no way. In fact I would have assumed he’d ghosted me and I would have presumed the “relationship” to be over after week 1 of No contact. 
 

The fact he can “forget” about you for 3 weeks straight G screams disinterest.
 

No man who deserves you would disappear for this length of time and  risk breaking the bond you had developed over the past few months. 
 

You can do better than this G. You know you can. If he can’t see your value and worth he’s definitely not your guy. 
 

Don’t bother with him anymore. You can do so much better. 
 

 

Edited August 10, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[alphamale]

On 8/8/2022 at 7:34 PM, Gaeta said:

 

What you think?

 

 

 

Either he’s dating someone else or he took his ex wife on vacation w/his kid

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, alphamale said:

Either he’s dating someone else or he took his ex wife on vacation w/his kid

Agree.

I doubt it's his ex-wife as she's remarried and very pregnant with her 3rd child but I had time to think about it and I suspect he contacted his ex-gf as his son and her had a special connection. And when I asked him who would drive his son to the airport as he was covid positive he said 'oh his 2nd mom'....I asked what did he mean by his 2nd mom? and he gaslighted me with some BS answer.

[FMW]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Agree.

I would go with that instinct.  I don't think there's any good reason to go silent for three weeks after 4 months of regular contact.  

[Happy Lemming]

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 I suspect he contacted his ex-gf as his son and her had a special connection. And when I asked him who would drive his son to the airport as he was covid positive he said 'oh his 2nd mom'....I asked what did he mean by his 2nd mom? and he gaslighted me with some BS answer.

This seems to be the answer... it fits logically. 

Yes... if he trusts this ex-girlfriend enough to drop his child off at the airport, then they probably had an on-going "relationship".  He couldn't text/message/call you, as she was around and he didn't want to have to explain 'who' he was communicating with.  This guy didn't want to take the chance of "blowing up" his vacation with his son and his ex, thus he went "radio silent" for 3 weeks. 

[Gaeta]

My phone shows me who's calling in my call history, even when they're blocked. 

Looks like he tried to call me 3 times Sunday and he tried again yesterday. 

I feel like telling him how much he sucks!!

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

I feel like telling him how much he sucks!!

Why? You acknowledge you weren’t really into him. Why are you so invested emotionally in a man you didn’t even feel that strongly about? 

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why? You acknowledge you weren’t really into him. Why are you so invested emotionally in a man you didn’t even feel that strongly about? 

It's not about being emotionally invested. It's about constantly being disappointed, it's a general feeling of 'being fed up' and I could let it out for once. 

I was not 'in love' with him but he was a positive presence in my life. I'm not a robot even if I try very hard to.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Looks like he tried to call me 3 times Sunday and he tried again yesterday.

So now he calls...  He couldn't be bothered for 3 weeks and now -- 4 calls in 2 days.

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was not 'in love' with him but he was a positive presence in my life. I'm not a robot even if I try very hard to.

You start to get used to seeing that person.  You look forward to seeing them and talking to them. 

I agree... you don't have to be "in love" to miss that person and miss what you had.

And again, I am sorry this happened to you.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It's not about being emotionally invested. It's about constantly being disappointed, it's a general feeling of 'being fed up' and I could let it out for once. 

Gaeta, just caught up.

Of course you're disappointed.  And you will continue getting disappointed unless and until you begin addressing your own trust issues and general distrust of men.

The men you date will sense this (no doubt) and it will always works against you each and every time adding to your disappointments. 

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i mean think about it G, admittedly you expect to be played, you're not all that "into" them (including this man), you're "difficult" and "not invested," this man's own words.  

But yet you fully expect the men you date to be invested in you, consistent, never deviate from the "routine," and "into" you.  

And once they've "proved" themselves to you, you might fall for them.  You posted this! 

That's not how healthy relationships work G, and I think you know that too.

I'm wondering, did it ever occur to you that this man intentionally pulled back to protect his own heart from getting ripped to shreds by a woman who is not "into" him, "difficult and not invested"?  His own words. 

You posted earlier he told you he thinks about you all the time and envisions a long term relationship with you. 

What was your response?  You never posted it.

I have asked this previously but I don't understand why you continue to date men you're not all that into. 

Good on paper?  Toss that paper in the trash, paper won't keep you warm at night. 

Genuine chemistry/energy (the feelz) and making a connection is mutual, that's how connections work typically when they're genuine and not based on the superficial (being good on paper).

Meaning, if YOU are not into them, they're not into you either, which will eventually show it's face eventually. 

Which will result in yet another disappointment. As is what's happening now. 

I dunno G, I have a whole bunch more to say but don't have the time right now.  But I hope you will at least consider this. 

You're beautiful and deserve to be happy 

Hugs. 

 

Edited August 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Feeling powerless and like you have lost control is the worst part of all of this. There are many unanswered questions after someone disappears without warning or explanation. If you "tell him off" for disappearing (i.e. vent your frustration), he will probably respond with a heartfelt apology. Consider, hypothetically, that it was a "family emergency" on his end. 

While he should have informed you earlier, you may feel guilty.

Then what?

Edited August 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You posted earlier he told you he thinks about you all the time and envisions a long term relationship with you. 

I said I was thinking about him too. 

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Genuine chemistry/energy (the feelz) and making a connection is mutual, that's how connections work typically when they're genuine and not based on the superficial (being good on paper).

Apparently, as per my dating history, I cannot make the difference between a real connection and a fake one, cause in the past I thought I felt a real connection and these men had a hidden agenda. 

[Happy Lemming]

@Gaeta I'm not a parent, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

You don't entrust the safety of your 11 year old child to just anyone.  Now if this guy had said, "Oh I had my next door neighbor drop off Jr. at the airport" then explain that they have been neighbors for many years and he trusts this neighbor implicitly.  I'd be OK with that explanation.

But he didn't... he slipped and said the kid's "second mom", which would indicate both he and his child both know & trust this woman.  I also don't think you would call an ex-girlfriend up (out of the blue) and say... "Hey I got Covid-19, can you drop Jr. off at the airport for me"  I would think that there would have to be some type of on-going relationship/closeness in order for this woman to be trusted with his kid and be willing to do the drop-off.

If an ex-girlfriend called me up and asked me to drop her kid off at the airport, I'd say "no" without hesitation.

You didn't do anything wrong in this relationship, you tried, you trusted him, you gave him the benefit of the doubt and he (both) ignored you (for 3 weeks) & pulled the wool over your eyes.

[Weezy1973]

@Gaeta It’s literally impossible to protect your heart and have a meaningful connection and relationship at the same time. You’re trying to cheat the system. It never works. 

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Apparently, as per my dating history, I cannot make the difference between a real connection and a fake one, cause in the past I thought I felt a real connection and these men had a hidden agenda

Gosh, I wish I had more time to properly respond to this.

But quickly, you posted in your other thread that what you look for initially is that he look good on paper, that he's complimentary and gives you attention (i.e validation), and you like his pics. 

Jmo but these are not qualities (on their own) that will lead to a substantive, close intimate relationship with a high quality genuine man.

These are things "players" will provide. For lack of a better word. 

They know just what to say, how to pull you in, lead you to believe you have a "connection" when in fact most of the time it's a game and as you said, they have a hidden agenda. 

I've run into plenty of guys like this too! 

The difference is, looking good on paper, compliments, attention, even good looks don't mean a hill of beans to me IF there is no depth, no substance to the man and our connection.

Which I've become quite adept at determining by spending time chatting and getting to know, asking the right questions in a fun spontaneous way and weeding out the unsavory from the good quality men which despite popular belief, there are still plenty of.

 

 

Edited August 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields: l don't look for compliments from men online or on first dates, it's a big turn off for me. Of course once in a relationship l appreciate compliments, they don't need to be over the top, and it does not have to be about my looks, i'm smart & funny those are great compliments l like....'you look nice in that dress', nothing more. 

Looking good on paper means he's in my age range, he has a full time job, not recently seperated, no toddler in their 50s. That's all. 

 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't look for compliments from men online or on first dates, it's a big turn off for me.

OK, sorry my bad!  I thought I read that on your other thread re seeing a dating coach and discussing the things you seek during your initial on line interaction.

Anyway, nuff said from me, good luck G, be happy.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe this doesn't apply to Gaeta, but this chemistry, butterflies etc (which is really strong sexual attraction), isn't that important anymore. I certainly found that the older I get, the more I value just a good, kind, hard working, man. I think Gaeta said that she is menopausal so she wouldn't care much about strong sexual chemistry and would prefer more of a stable companionship? And I never found that men I had strong sexual chemistry with were good men or that into me in the past.

 

 

[Gaeta]

I sent him an email at lunch. He's blocked everywhere else.

I told him l saw he's been trying to call me, that l was disappointed l had not heard from him a total of 4 weeks. I did not expect to be a priority during his son's visit but l didn't expect to be off his list completely.

I said l don't know why he's like that but it's contradicting everything he said to me during the last day we spent together. 

He replied he was sad l was not picking up his calls,  not because l was wrong to ignore him but because his actions lead to it. He added he had to deal with a lot of family drama and it's not over but what he really wish is for me to give him a chance to explain himself over the phone. He asked if he could call at 5h today.

I did not reply back yet.

It sounds weak to me.

[poppyfields]

Re chemistry/energy, I wasn't talking about feeling butterflies necessarily but something deeper, longer lasting which of course takes time to develop.

And one can certainly have that with a good, quality, hard-working stable man.

I found that, and you can too Gaeta. 

Choose wisely. 

 

 

Edited August 17, 2022 by poppyfields