salparadise Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 16 hours ago, Gaeta said: I wonder eh! he's a mathematician, I guess they concentrate on one problem at a time lol I've learn there is no point texting him during work hours, not even on lunch break. He's too much in his head. He’s a rational personality and compartmentalizes his priorities. At work only work exists. On vacation with his son, only that exists. He probably reasons that since it will be a few weeks before he sees you that there are no plans to make and no urgency to communicate. I doubt that he means it the same way you’re taking it. He thinking you’re a big girl, capable of taking care of yourself. That being said, he’s also sort of matching your energy. You’re dragging your feet so he’s dialing it back too. Did you expect him to step it up in response to you pulling back? You didn’t text him either, right? Or as the man is it entirely his responsibility? In a nutshell, I think you have different expectations, different ways of perceiving, and clear lack of enthusiasm for making this a party. You probably need a guy who will pursue with great diligence, and against resistance. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 25 minutes ago, salparadise said: Did you expect him to step it up in response to you pulling back? You didn’t text him either, right? Or as the man is it entirely his responsibility? Like mentionned in my opening the week before his son arrived l noticed l was the only one initiating communication and he was not very interactive with me. I've even mentionned to him then *you can only concentrate on one thing at a time don't you!* That's why l decided to not initiate anymore.
NuevoYorko Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: When I started this thread I trusted him 100%. While we dated it never crossed my mind he could be seeing other women. I was not getting any alarm and he always gave me a fair amount of attention. Now....the magic of LS is making me wonder if.... Does it really matter though - except maybe with regards to potential STDs? Evidently you are extremely casually connected. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: Evidently you are extremely casually connected. But that's the point l've been trying to make. It doesn't matter what we are, whether it's a couple or lovers or friends, we had a routine and that routine included communicating daily. I guess our routine was never disrupted before so l never got to see this side of him.
Weezy1973 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: But that's the point l've been trying to make. It doesn't matter what we are, whether it's a couple or lovers or friends, we had a routine and that routine included communicating daily. I guess our routine was never disrupted before so l never got to see this side of him. You’re placing a lot of importance on this routine. When you’re casually dating the routine is loose at best. And if someone doesn’t feel like they want to continue they can just stop (usually) no questions asked. But you seem to really be invested. Why? Are your feelings for him actually stronger than you’re letting on? 1
NuevoYorko Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But that's the point l've been trying to make. It doesn't matter what we are, whether it's a couple or lovers or friends, we had a routine and that routine included communicating daily. I guess our routine was never disrupted before so l never got to see this side of him. I understand this - but my remark was in response to your mention of "trusting" him 100% (with regards to other women) until he dropped contact. I don't understand why such a loose connection where you don't even feel "into" a person would require monogamy. It seems to be a moot point at this stage, however. Whether he's seeing others or not, he is not seeing you. I'm not meaning to be harsh at all, and hope you don't take it that way. It's just that a person dropping contact for weeks is 100% a sign that they are not interested. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 I used to do stuff like this--stay out of touch for weeks. Total sign that I was not emotionally adept enough to seriously date. For me, I just couldn't think of two things at the same time--sounds dumb. But the red flag is that relationships require ongoing contact and the contact shouldn't be exhausting. He can be with his son and contact you for 5 minutes, ten minutes, 15 minutes ... occasionally an hour ... No excuse but emotional immaturity. And sadly, there's a lot more on the way. If he doesn't know he can't disappear for 3 weeks, trust me: there is a lot more distance and weirdness on the way. 2
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 18 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: I'm not meaning to be harsh at all, and hope you don't take it that way. It's just that a person dropping contact for weeks is 100% a sign that they are not interested. You're right.....sigh! So everything he said about me being important to him was a lie. It was just to keep me around. Story of my life
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 32 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: But you seem to really be invested. Why? Are your feelings for him actually stronger than you’re letting on? No l'm not that invested. I thought he'd prouve me wrong about men and l'd fall for him.
Weezy1973 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 22 minutes ago, Gaeta said: No l'm not that invested. I thought he'd prouve me wrong about men and l'd fall for him. This has nothing to do with “men”. Just this particular man. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: This has nothing to do with “men”. Just this particular man. That's because you haven't followed my journey to find love they all have lied to me.
FMW Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 I would be kind of curious to hear what excuse he had to give, or if he truly didn't think it was a big deal. But I'd probably also not be willing to spend enough time with him again to hear what he had to say. Did you ever discuss past relationships, and if so, did he seem to have a history of not putting in enough effort? Not that he'd admit that, but sometimes you can tell just by the way they talk about what happened in the past. 1
salparadise Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 46 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You're right.....sigh! So everything he said about me being important to him was a lie. It was just to keep me around. Story of my life I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. I do think you have different expectations (obviously) in terms of what it means. For him it's probably just like being out of touch during work, but to you it equates to trust and whether he cares about you and wants to be with you. I bet when his son is gone that he'll be expecting to pick it up right where you left off, and he'll probably be shocked that you've decided to quit (if that's your decision) based on him not having maintained the same pattern of communication while he was gone. It's true that most people would have similar expectations to yours, but this guy is a rational type, not a feeler. Not someone whose attachment is emotionally driven in the same way. I would stay neutral and not make assumptions just yet... unless you've already decided independently to cut it off. I think you two should talk –– say how you feel and let him respond. 2
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 14 minutes ago, FMW said: Did you ever discuss past relationships, and if so, did he seem to have a history of not putting in enough effort? We summarized our past relationships. He's in good terms with his ex wife. He never said anything negative about her, or other women he dated. I'm not the type to go indepth about past relationships, or theirs.
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 20 minutes ago, FMW said: I would be kind of curious to hear what excuse he had to give, or if he truly didn't think it was a big deal. I will ask him once his son has left. I don't want to raise an issue and make him feel bad while he has his son with him.
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: we had a routine and that routine included communicating daily. I will simply share my experience, for what it’s worth. My guy is a one track mine kind of guy too. When we were first dating, he would not see me on the weeks that he had his son. He would focus exclusively on his son, and that was ok with me. But, we would still text every day - sometimes more than once a day. Usually in the morning and or at night. And, he would often text to tell me something they had done. He sent a few pictures of their adventures. Contact decreased, but it continued. Consistently. 4
Happy Lemming Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 35 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That's because you haven't followed my journey to find love they all have lied to me. And I am sorry that this has happened to you, but not all men will ignore their girlfriend for 3 weeks. Personally, I'm going to try to pick up something in my travels as a small gift and would also try to call/text each night. About 15 years ago, I had been dating this one woman for about 2-3 months, when I had to go out of town for 2 weeks (business trip). When I landed, I went into the airport gift shop and picked up these cute salt & pepper shakers. Once I checked into my hotel, I found out where the local post office was and shipped this small gift to her. I wanted her to feel she was important in my life. I'd also text a few mundane details about how my day went and she would text back same. I don't think I knew how to text pictures back then or even if my phone did that, but there was nothing to really take pictures of. It really is no effort to send a quick text, a picture, a message or even ship a small gift. 4
NuevoYorko Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: That's because you haven't followed my journey to find love they all have lied to me. I have loosely followed your journey to find love, and things like this seem to be a pattern. It seems like the bathrobe guy had some pretty distant behaviors - and I may not be recalling this correctly, I have not gone back to look. Also, to my recollection, you spoke of your connection with him as being very lax on your end; you were not very invested and just kind of going along with a "wait and see" attitude. And then, as I recall, he let you down. Maybe you are trying very hard to keep things casual and choosing men who have very little capacity, for any number of reasons, to offer you much of depth. And then they end up not offering you much. Even though you tried to keep your emotions completely in check, this leaves you feeling played. Am I close, or way off base? 1
chillii Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 l know how important such times are with our kids. But if she is important to me to and at 4mths she would be, we both would or l wouldn't be wasting my time, then l'd at least be having some little talks and messages, even if it had to be middle of the night. 2
giotto Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) Just have a chat when you see him again. Explain your feelings and see what he says. If he does it again, then you know what to do. Edited August 10, 2022 by giotto 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Maybe you are trying very hard to keep things casual and choosing men who have very little capacity, for any number of reasons, to offer you much of depth. And then they end up not offering you much. Even though you tried to keep your emotions completely in check, this leaves you feeling played. Am I close, or way off base? Yes, that sounds like a good assessment. I always expect to be played so I invest little and I wait and then I act surprised when the man doesn't jump in both feet. It's a give & take. I can't expect much from them if I don't do my part. Actually this gentleman here we had a conversation earlier this summer and he felt I was difficult and not invested. I think it would serve us both if I end it.
norealusername Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 Ignoring you for 3 weeks is ridiculous. Don't try to rationalize it, there isn't any excuses for it. If my girlfriend disappeared for weeks, I'd assume the relationship is over. I wouldn't want them back, they'll just do it again. Obviously, you don't have much importance in this guy's life. 6
poppyfields Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 (edited) Hi Gaeta. I think you already know what I'm about to say but will say anyway. This man is not the right man for you. I don't understand why you feel you need to settle for mediocre relationships like this. You do not, you most definitely do not! If you're not "into" a man by at least the third date, wish him well and walk. He will sense your ambivalence, your indifference and that energy will bounce back over to him. I know you're not too old to remember what it feels like when a man kisses you for the first time, you've felt that a few times since we've known each other. In you I see a highly attractive, funny, intelligent woman who has so much to offer and give, please don't settle. You and others have been attempting to justify his cold distant behavior, by saying he has a one track mind, he's busy with his son or it's just his nature. No, no and no! I don't think he's quite into this either. This sounds like a relationship of convenience for both of you due to lack of viable options. Never settle for good on paper, he's polite, he's responsible. That never ends well. Keep going G, he's out there somewhere, I promise you. Edited August 10, 2022 by poppyfields 1 1
Weezy1973 Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 31 minutes ago, poppyfields said: In you I see a highly attractive, funny, intelligent woman who has so much to offer and give, please don't settle. Agree with this, however the problem for @Gaeta has consistently been her picker. Put another way, the men she’s attracted to have all been jerks (most, if not all of them cheaters if I’m not mistaken). So what should she do? If she’s essentially drawn most to men that aren’t great relationship material but wants a “rest of her life” relationship? It’s a tough one. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 @Weezy1973: l tried to think outside the box and gave a chance (many times) to men l was moderately attracted to in the hope l'd meet better men. It doesn't work well either. My lack of attraction turns into a lack of motivation and they detect it. I pick men among those who pursue me we could say l attract the wrong type of men. 1
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