Gaeta Posted August 8, 2022 Posted August 8, 2022 Hello all ! I've been dating this man for around 4 months. We see each 2-3 times a week, we text every day, but I would not call our relationship serious yet, we did not introduce each other to our friends or family. I'm not there yet. He took 1 month vacation and filled it with activities/trip/ with his 11 year old son. I knew I would not see him during that month and I had my own vacations planned etc. The week before his son arrived I noticed I was the only one initiating communication. Our communication were short, his mind was on his son and vacations. Ok fine. I did not expect though that I would not hear from him a full 3 weeks!! Finally he text me yesterday asking how I was doing, that his son was leaving the following day, and himself had just tested positive for covid etc etc. I know he's a 1-track type of guy, it seems hard for him to concentrate on different things at the same time but 3 weeks!!!? I go from 'he is the way he is' to ' F that, go find someone else'. What you think?
Weezy1973 Posted August 8, 2022 Posted August 8, 2022 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I go from 'he is the way he is' to ' F that, go find someone else'. What you think? These are two extremes; why not continue dating and see how things play out? Are you exclusive?
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: These are two extremes; why not continue dating and see how things play out? Are you exclusive? Sure we can continue dating but for now i'm pissed & disappointed. Exclusive yes & no. He told me he deleted his profile l beleive him. I told him l was not seeing anyone else but if you don't talk to me for 3 weeks l will consider myself single. I'm back online since 2 days ago. 3
FMW Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 44 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I've been dating this man for around 4 months. We see each 2-3 times a week, we text every day Even though you aren't "serious" yet, going from that level of interaction for 4 months to absolutely nothing for three weeks is a big shift. Of course he wants his focus to be on his son if he has limited time alone with him, but he could have dropped you a text or made a quick call to you every few days or even just once a week. I understand the extremes of your thoughts about it. I understand you being "pissed & disappointed". I think most people would. You want to be understanding and give him the freedom to do what he needs, but you don't want to be taken for granted and feel like an afterthought or a convenience depending on what else is going on with him. It's one thing not being a top priority, but another apparently not being on his list at all for three weeks. If you're able to get past what you're feeling right now and choose to see him again, I think it's smart to consider yourself a free agent for now. You don't have to actively be looking for other men to date, but don't invest too much in him for now. 4
Weezy1973 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 29 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Sure we can continue dating but for now i'm pissed & disappointed. Are you into him? Do you find him attractive? Does he have a lot of the qualities you’re looking for? It’s possible that he sees your “relationship” differently than you. This is why I often advocate not focusing on one person in the early going. If you were multidating you wouldn’t care so much.
Alvi Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I did not expect though that I would not hear from him a full 3 weeks!! Would you be comfortable asking him why he didn't contact you at all for the 3 weeks? No, it is not going to make you look clingy if you ask. Yes, yes, he was busy. That is what he is going to say. But ask him why he couldn't find a minute or two to sent you a short message about himself or to ask you how you are doing. I guess you could decide based on his answer whether or not to proceed any further with this guy. I am guessing (and this is only my guess, nothing more) that he is either not interested or very lukewarm. 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I know he's a 1-track type of guy, it seems hard for him to concentrate on different things at the same time but 3 weeks!!!? Oh, dear! How does he manages to multitask at his job. I am assuming that he has a job, lol. It's not like he was glued to his son for the entire 3 weeks. Sure he had a minute or two to himself. 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: We see each 2-3 times a week, we text every day, but I would not call our relationship serious yet, we did not introduce each other to our friends or family. I'm not there yet. Sounds serious enough to me. 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: The week before his son arrived I noticed I was the only one initiating communication. Our communication were short, his mind was on his son and vacations. Ok fine. He is probably selfish. Everything is about him and not much about you. This could be a red flag. Definitely something to look out for. So, if you didn't initiate any contact, it would be 4 weeks AWOL from him. Me, personally, I would assume that a guy is not interested if I didn't hear anything from him for a week or two. Unless, he was on a North Pole with a zero phone reception. I would start chatting with other guys. 35 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I'm back online since 2 days ago. Good for you! Don't discard him completely but don't make him your priority either. 2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: It’s possible that he sees your “relationship” differently than you. I am willing to bet this is what it is. 2
Happy Lemming Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: He took 1 month vacation and filled it with activities/trip/ with his 11 year old son. I don't claim to know a lot about children, but wouldn't an 11 year old child have a fairly early bedtime (9:00 - 9:30pm)?? And after the child goes to sleep, he could text or e-mail you pictures of his day or tell you some details about how the visit went. I imagine he could have stepped outside his door (as not to wake the son) after the child went to sleep and called (and actually talked to you)?? I think the time between putting the child to sleep and him actually going to bed would be the perfect time to quietly send an e-mail with some pictures attached. [Today, Joey and I went to the zoo. The monkey house is so much bigger than I remember it... see attached picture] ...something like that. 5
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Are you into him? Do you find him attractive? Does he have a lot of the qualities you’re looking for? It’s possible that he sees your “relationship” differently than you. This is why I often advocate not focusing on one person in the early going. If you were multidating you wouldn’t care so much. I wouldn't say I'm into him but I like him, he has a lot of good qualities, I trust him and I value that a lot. Our last date we spent a day together he told me he was thinking about me all the time and sees us together long term. I think we have a lot of respect toward each other but we're not in love yet. I am not. This 3 weeks would prove he's not in love yet either.
introverted1 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 3 weeks is a long time to go without contact. Heck, after 4 months, I'd say that 3 days is a long time to go without any contact. I get that his son was visiting but no 11yo is glued to a parent's hip 24/7; there's time for texting or even the occasional call. Something about this wouldn't sit right with me. 2
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 21 minutes ago, Alvi said: So, if you didn't initiate any contact, it would be 4 weeks AWOL from him. I did not initiate after 3 weeks, he did. I did not ask him why he had been silent 3 weeks but I used humour to make my point come across. When I saw his message I replied: Is this John? Cause the John I know would never leave me 3 weeks with no news! He said 'oh'....I let him off the hook by saying he has 1 more day with his son, let's not get into it now, plenty of time for that later.
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I don't claim to know a lot about children, but wouldn't an 11 year old child have a fairly early bedtime (9:00 - 9:30pm)?? While on vacation they go to bed later BUT kids that age are glued to their video games, and they sleep late in the morning. I thought he would send me pictures too. He had asked me to help him find activities and places to go with his son, I sent him a dozen. Edited August 9, 2022 by Gaeta
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 39 minutes ago, Alvi said: How does he manages to multitask at his job. I am assuming that he has a job, lol I wonder eh! he's a mathematician, I guess they concentrate on one problem at a time lol I've learn there is no point texting him during work hours, not even on lunch break. He's too much in his head.
Happy Lemming Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 48 minutes ago, Gaeta said: While on vacation they go to bed later BUT kids that age are glued to their video games, and they sleep late in the morning. So there would have been ample opportunity to send an e-mail or text message. Yes... I'd be a little hurt/sad if the person I was dating didn't bother to communicate during that time. Years ago, we used to send a picture post card... "Everything is beautiful... wish you were here!!" and drop it in the post box. Now its even easier, just attach a picture to a text message or e-mail. We are talking a minute or two (at the most). No one is that hyper focused (on vacation) that they can't send a quick message. I understand the work thing, but this wasn't work. 5
Will am I Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 (edited) It seems like your date has made a conscious decision to fully dedicate himself to his son during the summer holidays. And he’s sticking to his decision with determination and focus. I wonder what he’s like in other interactions. Is he always all about setting rules and then going by the rules? [ ] If it’s out of character for him, just confront him and get to the bottom why this 100% dedication was so important to him. Edited August 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator armchair dx 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like he lost interest, maybe dated others and the "son visiting" thing was the excuse he used to put this on the back burner. Don't get upset, just move forward and keep dating others (since you stated you were not serious). 3
Mrin Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 I am pretty one track when it comes to focus but I do a good imitation of multitrack. Lol. I think you're right, something is amiss. This is either red flag personality stuff or he is not all that tied into you for whatever reason. 1
bene Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 I agree with the others that something is not right here. I have never bought the idea that people somehow have absolutely no time or means to communicate when on vacation. When you’re on a vacation, relaxing and doing fun things you’d want to share them with your partner. If someone is on your mind you think of them naturally, something like “what a great place, I better take a picture and share with Gaeta later”. Unfortunately I think that he might see your relationship a lot more casually than you. Him simply coming back and not making a big deal of disappearing confirms that. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 4 hours ago, Will am I said: I wonder what he’s like in other interactions. Is he always all about setting rules and then going by the rules? Yes, he is a "by the rules" type of guy. I wouldn't say he makes rules but he's honest and respects alreasy established rules to a fault.
Wiseman2 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: I would not call our relationship serious yet Then it's possible he doesn't view it as serious either and dates others. If his nonchalantly resurfacing after ghosting for three weeks is disrespectful, just next him. 2
introverted1 Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 12 hours ago, Gaeta said: I've been dating this man for around 4 months. We see each 2-3 times a week, we text every day, but I would not call our relationship serious yet I'm curious about this. Four months of seeing someone 2-3 times a week would seem fairly serious. Certainly enough time to know whether you are or can envision falling in love, etc. Is the feeling of it not being serious mutual, or is one of you gating the process?
Will am I Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Yes, he is a "by the rules" type of guy. I wouldn't say he makes rules but he's honest and respects alreasy established rules to a fault. So this “I’m dedicated to my son on our holiday” isn’t totally out of character. Confront. Obviously he must have had some time to text you. I would tell him that you really missed his texts and calls and ask him if he really didn’t have a little bit of time for you.
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Certainly enough time to know whether you are or can envision falling in love, etc. Is the feeling of it not being serious mutual, or is one of you gating the process? I would say I am the one slowing down the process. He knows I'm dragging my feet and he's willing to give it time.
Author Gaeta Posted August 9, 2022 Author Posted August 9, 2022 So his son couldn't board his flight back to his mother because the father tested positive for Covid. Even if his son tested negative on the day of the flight he could not embark. The son's ticket was changed for Thursday. Guess who's back into silent mode.
ShyViolet Posted August 9, 2022 Posted August 9, 2022 If someone I was dating didn't contact me at all for 3 weeks, I would think they are ghosting me and that the relationship is over. Honestly, going silent on someone for 3 weeks in a relationship is unacceptable. It shows that the has a low level of interest in you. No one is too busy that they can't send a simple text once in a while to let you know they are still interested in you and still present. 4
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