Oh no, now not so sure

[mortensorchid]

A few weeks ago I connected with this guy on Facebook.  I actually thought he was someone else - he had posted photographs of this guy dressed as a giant chicken which was a character in a play at my old theater company.  I thought he was the chicken and wanted to ask him how things were there since the big fall out five years ago (all the core board members including me all quit or were chased out thanks to attitudes, bad relationships and in fighting).  We got to chatting more and more, then he asked me out and I agreed.  At first I wasn't sure about him, we had a good time chatting and all, he was friendly and I was as well, he didn't even shake my hand goodbye.  I heard from him the next day via Facebook as that's where we met and all.

Second date was July 4th - we went to see fireworks in the park.  Then third date was sushi and octopus.  I decided to step back and give things some thought and did.  We didn't talk for a bit because he was in the process of putting his mom in a nursing home (still is).  On the Facebook I'm we were chatting on Thursday.  He said he wanted to know where we stand, I said call me and we'll talk.

So he did and I asked how he felt.  He said I am hard to read (others have said that), I said I trained myself to be that way for a variety of reasons - cold like Daniel Craig as James Bond as a shield.  I said I have been through a lot of trauma in the past relationship wise.  But I am still hopeful within me.  He said he is as well.  He asked if I wanted to take things to the next level or remain friends, and I said I am willing to take it to the next level of he is.  And he said he was.  

I am volunteering this weekend with a theater company this weekend so we will not see each other.  But looks like it's a go.  Who'd have thought? 

[Happy Lemming]

I've always believed "there is a lid for every pot"...

Perhaps you have finally found "your guy".

Wishing the best of luck as you navigate this new endeavor.

[Happy Lemming]

@mortensorchid Did you see your guy over this past weekend??  I know you were busy the previous weekend, but was wondering how things were going and if you saw him this past weekend??

Any good news??

[mortensorchid]

Yes I did.  We went to the drive in and saw a movie.  We had a good time... But he hasn't kissed me or even reached out to hold hands.  Just hugs.

[Happy Lemming]

16 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

Yes I did.  We went to the drive in and saw a movie.  We had a good time...

That's great!!

17 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

 But he hasn't kissed me or even reached out to hold hands.  Just hugs.

I guess you could try to kiss him...  Or tell him its OK to kiss you good night (after the next date)

[Gaeta]

Hey Morten! That's pretty cool! If you like him don't over analyze it, let it flow. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

I admire your stamina!

[Happy Lemming]

Well... It is Saturday. 

Hoping you have a nice weekend with your new guy!!

 

[mortensorchid]

The other week I wrote about this guy who I had met on Facebook.  We'd been out a few times then I said I wanted to continue this and take it to the next level, he said he wanted to as well.  So I am / was alright with this.  Tonight we had another date and ... Well he told me some other things about himself that left me feeling ... Not that great.

He told me in a chat earlier this year through Facebook that he decided that he would never get married because he watched all these episodes of Married with Children.  I said that's a TV show not real life (well maybe some things were but it's ultimately a TV show).  And ... I will not lie I want a relationship and I want to get married.  

And tonight he told me something about a girlfriend he had, they were together for 15 years.  He told me a bit more about her which was ... Unknown until now.  I didn't ask anything about her, I don't even know her first name because it's not my business.  But... She was married.  She was from another country, and she was married and had two children.  Apparently she and her husband were off and on, there were times when they were not happily married and her husband went back to their country of origin and they loved apart for years.  Then he'd come back.  And in the meantime, he was The Other Man.  She went back to her husband and that was that for their relationship.  Huh... 

We went out to theater tonight.  He told me I looked pretty.  And no kissing or holding hands.  

I am unsure now.  Am I wrong?  This is strange.  

[Maldives]

59 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

The other week I wrote about this guy who I had met on Facebook.  We'd been out a few times then I said I wanted to continue this and take it to the next level, he said he wanted to as well.  So I am / was alright with this.  Tonight we had another date and ... Well he told me some other things about himself that left me feeling ... Not that great.

He told me in a chat earlier this year through Facebook that he decided that he would never get married because he watched all these episodes of Married with Children.  I said that's a TV show not real life (well maybe some things were but it's ultimately a TV show).  And ... I will not lie I want a relationship and I want to get married.  

And tonight he told me something about a girlfriend he had, they were together for 15 years.  He told me a bit more about her which was ... Unknown until now.  I didn't ask anything about her, I don't even know her first name because it's not my business.  But... She was married.  She was from another country, and she was married and had two children.  Apparently she and her husband were off and on, there were times when they were not happily married and her husband went back to their country of origin and they loved apart for years.  Then he'd come back.  And in the meantime, he was The Other Man.  She went back to her husband and that was that for their relationship.  Huh... 

We went out to theater tonight.  He told me I looked pretty.  And no kissing or holding hands.  

I am unsure now.  Am I wrong?  This is strange.  

The thing is marriage is something that happens way down the track not after a few dates. Feelings change people change you just can't predict what is to come. Someone may tell you they wanna get married and be the complete opposite a few yrs later. My point is actions over words at least he's honest and telling you where he is at rather than lying that's a good thing. I think your way overthinking it. you will scare a lot of guys off with talk of marriage so early in the piece. Men are very different to woman when it comes to commitment. When trust develops and bonding we then move closer to that step naturally. Take a breather and just enjoy dating lol. Seriously your not gonna find any guy that's so open and ready to commitment the way you see it. Men move to a different beat them woman especially commitment. Maybe a small percentage of men think like that but they probably don't have a very balanced life and no life and think marriage will solve that void.

 

 

 

Edited August 7, 2022 by Goodguy05

[Wiseman2]

This is the observation time of dating. Take it all in and take note of what you feel are red flags. Dating is to get to know each other better. There's things you'll find out that are simply not perfect, then there's things that could be red flags or deal breakers.

[Calmandfocused]

I think you’re over worrying. 
 

The reality is that we have all done things in our past that in hindsight we wish we had done differently. He certainly isn’t the first man who has been played by a married woman with the promise of “I will leave my husband”. 
 

If her husband was out of the country when they got together he may have not even known she was married until much later down the line. 
 

Try and reserve your judgment. The point is that he DID get out, albeit it took him a while. 
 

in terms of marriage you are in your late 40s yes? Why is marriage so important to you at this stage in your life? 
 

Does your date have children? Assets? If so I empathise with his position. I’m a woman in my early 40s with children and the last thing I’d want to be doing is signing away my children’s  inheritance by re-marrying.  
 

Try and see it from his point of view too. You may be able to reach a compromise if this relationship progresses. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

He told me in a chat earlier this year through Facebook that he decided that he would never get married because he watched all these episodes of Married with Children. 

I would not bother dating a grown man who seriously makes life decisions based on antics of Al Bundy. 

Assuming that way maybe his attempt at humour, this bit would having me side-eyeing him:
 

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

And in the meantime, he was The Other Man

This isn't a man with decent boundaries and great judgment. I would probably move along to someone who's got their house in order, so to speak. 

[assertives]

I don't think you are overthinking though. There's nothing wrong in wanting marriage and being up front about it early on so you don't waste each others' time. I would too would be vary about dating someone who was in an affair with a married woman for so long. 

A 15 year long distance relationship with a married woman tells me that he probably is somewhat emotionally unavailable himself. He even told you be will never get married. If you are sure you want a committed relationship and get married some day then he is not your guy.

Edited August 7, 2022 by assertives

[Chilli]

He sounds a bit deluded and strange taking any notice of some ridiculous TV show and l'm amazed nobodies even mentioned it either but that he hasn't even touched you or kissed you in all this time.

And then well, it can be all too easy to get sucked into some affair or part time thing and it ends up dragging on for yrs , and yrs, but that is a very long time. Just about anyone would be saying to themselves wth is this going in 1/2 that time, less, even if they don't wanna get hitched.  Marriage, people talk about their ideas when they meet, nothing wrong with that- doesn't mean you expect to rush that person down the alter you don't even know ea other. But l wouldn't expect it out of this guy sounds like he hasn't grown up.

You could get to know him a bit more though yet if you like him, see how things go.

 

Edited August 7, 2022 by Chilli

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would not bother dating a grown man who seriously makes life decisions based on antics of Al Bundy. 

Assuming that way maybe his attempt at humour, this bit would having me side-eyeing him:

I doubt he meant it literally.  I take it to mean that deep down he knows he just doesn't want to get married.  He's saying that he decided when he watched the show...maybe he was sort of trying to be funny.  But a show alone wouldn't convince someone.  This means that he just doesn't want to get married.  I wouldn't make too much of this.

[FMW]

Only you can decide how to proceed, or even IF to proceed.

I would think (hope) that his referencing Married with Children was at least in some part a joke or hyperbole as to his views on marriage.  If you absolutely want to get married, don't count on him changing his mind.  If you're willing to give it a little while to see if YOUR feelings change, then you can see how it goes if you want.  

Being involved with a  woman that was on and off with her husband for 15 years is something significant to consider.  I think it's certainly an indication that he wasn't emotionally available then, and maybe not now.  Even if you stumble into it, you don't stay in those situations if you are truly ready for a relationship.  15 years is a long time to remain ok with such a limited connection without feeling the need to move on and look for more.  The other part of that obviously is if you have a moral conviction about that involvement, regardless of the woman's actual involvement with her husband beyond just being legally married, then it's just a no go.      

[smackie9]

It's all about perspective. I think he was trying to let you know from his POV,  people are not faithful being married so what's the point of being married. Maybe he wanted to start a conversation to see how you viewed marriage. Not that you want to get married but the concept of marriage itself and how you see it as. I think you can explain in a soft way how rewarding you think it would be, that it's two people showing their commitment to each other, being a team, being there for each other, etc. Then you can turn to him and say with sympathy, that it was unfortunate that he went through such a heartbreaking ordeal with this married woman, and that it has tarnished his impression of what marriage truly it to most people.

Edited August 7, 2022 by smackie9

[Happy Lemming]

If a man states he never wants to get married... believe him.  I give him credit for his honesty on the matter.  Like other posters, I think the "Married with Children" reference was added for humor and to lighten the subject.

Being that you are past your child bearing years, what advantages does being married bring to the table?? 

As @Calmandfocused pointed out there could be very strong financial reasons not to get married at this advanced age.

How would he feel about living with a woman??

If you want to kiss him, you can always tell him its OK to kiss you goodnight when he drops you off after the date.

[poppyfields]

@mortensorchidbased on all your threads and this one combined, which I don't have time to summarize now, imo you have a huge fear of commitment and using all his quirks and foibles (which we ALL possess in some form or fashion) as an excuse to reject.   I have no doubt that's what's coming next 

Happens with every single guy you meet and date. It's always something. 

It's NOT about him, it's about you and your own admitted fears of opening yourself up to love and getting close.  Being emotionally intimate and vulnerable.

When I read your first post, to me it was only a matter of time before the fault-finding began.

The closer you get, the greater the fear. 

If you are sincere about wanting a close intimate exclusive relationship, then I think it's time to explore this, on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist. 

Remember also, water seeks it's own level. Often unconsciously.

Meaning since you have such fears of intimacy and commitment, you will undoubtedly attract men with same fears. 

May be why there has been no kiss or physical affection from him this far, among other issues you are noticing and complaining about.

Please consider this and stop blaming all your dating disasters on men.

I don't mean to be harsh, I actually care, I think you are a lovely person and you've been badly hurt in the past, perhaps going back to childhood even.

However, these issues can be resolved but you have to acknowledge them first. 

I suspect this post will go unaddressed as it's your tendency to shuffle such issues pertaining to yourself under the carpet.

It's just SO much easier to blame men. 

Just my take, and all the best. 

 

 

 

Edited August 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

.maybe he was sort of trying to be funny.

Yes, which is why I also said this:

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Assuming that way maybe his attempt at humour,

I realize it was likely tongue-in-cheek. Not wanting to get married is fine. But seeing as OP does, that should be her cue to keep moving. 

[Alvi]

I don't know Mort. This guy sounds like a total hot mess to be honest. On many levels.  If you want to proceed, do so with extreme caution. While it is very depressing and soul sucking to be alone (I totally get it, I have been single and unable to meet anybody serous for the last four years) do you really think this guy is right for you? We all have our dramas, baggages and luggages as we get older. But the question is, can you deal with his baggage or not? It is up to you.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Alvi

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I doubt he meant it literally.  I take it to mean that deep down he knows he just doesn't want to get married.  He's saying that he decided when he watched the show...maybe he was sort of trying to be funny.  But a show alone wouldn't convince someone.  This means that he just doesn't want to get married.  I wouldn't make too much of this.

Unless being married is an absolute must for you OP. In which case, you need to think long and hard about whether you want the marriage at the expense of what may be a good man/relationship.

As to his other comment, that would cause me some concern. Not saying I would necessarily end it, because I know how long you’ve waited to find someone you were excited about… it would definitely warrant more discussion and I would be cautious here. 

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Unless being married is an absolute must for you OP. In which case, you need to think long and hard about whether you want the marriage at the expense of what may be a good man/relationship.

There are men out there who are looking for a wife. So, if you want to get married don't waste your time on the men who tell you that they are either never want to marry or are unsure about getting married. It would serve you a lot of good to create a profile on a dating site stipulating that you are looking for a husband. There are probably some dating sites out there for people who are looking to meet their spouse. Of course, there is no guarantee that even if a man wants to get married, he would marry you, specifically. But generally speaking, looking for a marriage-minded guys is going to spare you wasting your time on the people who are not looking for anything series and is going to help you avoid future misunderstandings and disappointments. Are you a member of church/synagogue/mosque? Maybe you could try finding men there who are more serious about a long term and marriage.

Edited August 8, 2022 by Alvi

[Weezy1973]

Reject them before they can reject me is your pattern. You’re hardly perfect; don’t expect perfection in a partner. It doesn’t exist.