Breakup Ended Violently

[Biscous]

I was with my ex for over 3.5 years.  The past year there were some rocky things and disconnects.  We had a huge argument over the least interesting thing - the wrong set of lights for our place.  This resulted in her uncharacteristically yelling at me and throwing glass everywhere to which I removed myself from the situation.

The past month we tried to reconcile, tell each other sorry for certain things.  We ultimately decided a few weeks back though that we should be separate.  We were extremely cordial and friendly.  There was no love lost for each other since we ultimately wanted the best for one another.  Maybe the demeanor on her end was a facade to hide her true feelings.

Last Saturday night when I had a few things left to move out of her home she asked me for money.  Up until this point she requested to me on Venmo instead of asking directly.  I told her that she had a vacation credit of mine worth more than the requested money to which I asked if it would be okay to call it even.

She EXPLODED at this point demanding her money, started throwing some of my items, mainly glass tupperware, all over the floor.  She later pushed me and hit me.  I didn't retort back and she yelled at me to leave.

 

I eventually picked up my things she put out and she saw me and was still angry.  After a scathing email saying that she learned a lot what she doesn't want from her future husband it hurt me.

 

Obviously she is going through pain as am I.  I will admit I mourned the relationship months ago when I felt there were irreconcilable mismatches.  My hugest mistake was staying in a relationship that I knew was not the right fit for me.  I'm wrestling with emotions of anger toward how she reacted, empathy for her feelings and what she's going through (quit her last job, nothing lined up, no proposal on my end, and possibly a shot to her value/worth), and sadness that nothing will be the same.  

I don't know how to deal with these other than to vent and move forward.  I am still shocked that she was hiding such resentment towards me.  I don't want to hurt anyone like that again but abuse, there is zero tolerance.

[Biscous]

BTW - I paid her the money requested same day and she provided me with the credit so problem solved on that end.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Biscous

[Getbackup]

If someone pushed me and hit me (and yes, its happened), they wouldn't see a lot of empathy coming from my side.  The fact that you can actually display that and see how she may be feeling (despite her actions) says a lot about your character.

The right person will feel like home.  

This does not sound like a healthy relationship for several reasons.  I'm sure you're a great guy with a lot to offer.  Take the time to heal and when ready, date again when it feels right.

I'm sorry you've gone through such a traumatic break-up.  It hurts.  I get it.  No one deserves abuse.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Biscous said:

I was with my ex for over 3.5 years. This resulted in her uncharacteristically yelling at me and throwing glass everywhere to which I removed myself from the situation.

Last Saturday night when I had a few things left to move out of her home she asked me for money.  Up until this point she requested to me on Venmo instead of asking directly.  I told her that she had a vacation credit of mine worth more than the requested money to which I asked if it would be okay to call it even.

She EXPLODED at this point demanding her money, started throwing some of my items, mainly glass tupperware, all over the floor.  She later pushed me and hit me.

It's good you ended it.  Did you live together? She has some serious problems. You may want to get a restraining order and a video alarm system at your place. She seems like a slash-the-tires type of bunny-boiler unstable person. 

Edited August 4, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Biscous]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you ended it.  Did you live together? She has some serious problems. You may want to get a restraining order and a video alarm system at your place. She seems like a slash-the-tires type of bunny-boiler unstable person. 

We lived together yes.  There was some things with that which resulted in later miscommunication and a break down between us but that's another story in itself.

Essentially she pushed to purchase a home when I wanted to wait for the market to change a little. 

[glows]

Do you have any other reasons to stay in touch? Back away slowly and don't respond to any texts, calls or emails. Block or mute her contact while you heal and/or forever. Just don't stay in contact with someone like this if there's no reason to. The worst of break ups may occur but it never ever excuses violence in the mix. 

You probably still care for her and have feelings for her but move past that and get over those feelings. You let someone abusive, violent and dangerous into your life. If you need to go over with a counsellor or therapist what led you to this point or picking someone like this it's also a good idea. Do this instead of unloading onto unsuspecting potential partners later. Give yourself time and move on.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

If she has never been violent and this erupted seeminlgy out of nowhere, you could be looking at someone with serious, until-now-latent mental health issues or a drug problem. 

Whatever the case, this relationship needs to be over and you need to cut all contact forever. Stress or whatever life problem she is facing is no excuse for abuse, as you have said. Time to close the door for good. 

[Biscous]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If she has never been violent and this erupted seeminlgy out of nowhere, you could be looking at someone with serious, until-now-latent mental health issues or a drug problem. 

Whatever the case, this relationship needs to be over and you need to cut all contact forever. Stress or whatever life problem she is facing is no excuse for abuse, as you have said. Time to close the door for good. 

It felt like latent resentment to me but who knows.

I know I was complicit in the demise of the relationship but I know I didn't deserve that.

[Biscous]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Do you have any other reasons to stay in touch? Back away slowly and don't respond to any texts, calls or emails. Block or mute her contact while you heal and/or forever. Just don't stay in contact with someone like this if there's no reason to. The worst of break ups may occur but it never ever excuses violence in the mix. 

You probably still care for her and have feelings for her but move past that and get over those feelings. You let someone abusive, violent and dangerous into your life. If you need to go over with a counsellor or therapist what led you to this point or picking someone like this it's also a good idea. Do this instead of unloading onto unsuspecting potential partners later. Give yourself time and move on.

 

I was recommended therapy actually.  Still grappling with a lot of the thoughts.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Biscous said:

It felt like latent resentment to me but who knows.

I know I was complicit in the demise of the relationship but I know I didn't deserve that.

I tend to think there is something more to it. 

For resentment to suddenly explode into violence when there is no history of it would be a rare case Whatever the case, you definitely did not deserve it and well rid of her. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Biscous said:

We lived together yes.  

Essentially she pushed to purchase a home 

Do you co-own the house? Is all your stuff out?  Are there financial ties?

Change your address have your mail forwarded. Sever all joint accounts and change all your passwords.

Focus on the practical side of extricating yourself from this. Recommending therapy to fix a partner never works. 

[Biscous]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I tend to think there is something more to it. 

For resentment to suddenly explode into violence when there is no history of it would be a rare case Whatever the case, you definitely did not deserve it and well rid of her. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

Yeah it's incredibly sad.  I will say our relationship didn't involve any name calling, passive aggressiveness, physical or emotional abuse.

At worst I may be hyper critical of things because I am the type that wants to turn good to great.  I criticize the idea/behavior but not the person.  

I know I have high standards, but that's me.

 

Regarding her act of violence I have seen her throw a candle before, door slam, and yell but that was once.  The times in June and July where she yelled, screamed, threw stuff were NOTHING I saw before.

 

The only crime I did in the relationship IMO was staying in a relationship too long I shouldn't have.  I saw that it wasn't a fit for me at the 2.5 year mark and I had reservations.  Still replaying everything in my mind hurts but much of the relationship I mourned a bit.   I may take my friend's suggestion of a therapy session or two.

[Biscous]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you co-own the house? Is all your stuff out?  Are there financial ties?

Change your address have your mail forwarded. Sever all joint accounts and change all your passwords.

Focus on the practical side of extricating yourself from this. Recommending therapy to fix a partner never works. 

Part of the conflict was that she wanted to get a home before any engagements/marriage, etc.  The fact that she closed on a home a month after I renewed my lease caused a huge rift in miscommunication.  I kept the lease because I was unsure of things (which I was right), and I didn't want to incur a huge penalty.

I paid her.  She gave me the credit I asked for.  Only financial tie is cable/internet which is in my name which I will either cancel or have her sign it over.

Edited August 5, 2022 by Biscous

[glows]

5 hours ago, Biscous said:

Yeah it's incredibly sad.  I will say our relationship didn't involve any name calling, passive aggressiveness, physical or emotional abuse.

At worst I may be hyper critical of things because I am the type that wants to turn good to great.  I criticize the idea/behavior but not the person.  

I know I have high standards, but that's me.

 

Regarding her act of violence I have seen her throw a candle before, door slam, and yell but that was once.  The times in June and July where she yelled, screamed, threw stuff were NOTHING I saw before.

 

The only crime I did in the relationship IMO was staying in a relationship too long I shouldn't have.  I saw that it wasn't a fit for me at the 2.5 year mark and I had reservations.  Still replaying everything in my mind hurts but much of the relationship I mourned a bit.   I may take my friend's suggestion of a therapy session or two.

Hindsight is often 20/20. You’ll know in future when things aren’t working and end things sooner if you have to. I’m assuming the approach of turning “good to great” was also what you’d hoped for, hoping against all odds, that things would change. I empathize with you but it wasn’t realistic. A tough lesson but valuable in the long run. 

[mark clemson]

Yes, some people have these weird personality problems where when there is a breakup since "you have hurt them" all the normal rules of society are off and they feel entitled to lash out/be abusive etc. This is as far as it went with her (hopefully/presumably), but it can certainly be a lot worse.