Unhappy single girl

[Amanda92]

I'm 30. I was in one long relationship 6 years ago and I have been dating for the last 3 years - I had only short several months long relationships. Before I started dating I was focusing on my career. I was happy to be single - I had social life, hobby ect. I have a quite good job and now I feel completely satisfied with my job. My friends have families, so they don't have time for me. I used to travel alone, but I get lonely more and more often.

I know nowadays people say thinking like this is bad, but all I want is to be a wife and a mom. I'm pretty and smart - there are many guys interested in me, but I choose guys that are quite handsome and also with a good career. I don't think I have too high standard. These guys were also interested in me, but after sometime I always hear "you are a great girl, sexy, pretty, smart, you seemed to have things that I'm looking for, but I just don't have this feeling to build something more". Everytime the same. They are like "we are good friends and I'm attracted to you". I think emotional connection is what is missed. I'm very open and honest. I show my interest, but I think I'm not needy.

So I'm unhappy. I don't want to date forever. I want to have family more than anything else. My married friends are jealous that I have money and time to travel, but I would prefer to spend an evening with my husband on the couch. I remember how I felt in my last relationship. It was the best time in my life. He gave me so much attention, we spend so much time together, but after sometime he told me he doesn't feel that and it's over.

I know I can't be happy without love. Even if my friends think I'm so happy and I have so cool life.

Am I the only one?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

 I had social life, hobby ect.

 

Can you re-start this social life?? Are you putting yourself out there in social situations (where you can meet men)??  Do you participate in any co-ed sports/activities??

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

 but I choose guys that are quite handsome...

Do you think you are being too picky??  Maybe try for a guy that is just "average" in looks...

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

Am I the only one?

A lot of threads on this forum are dealing with this exact thing. Folks looking for a connection but struggling to find one. Read through a bit and see if you see any commonalities…

[Ami1uwant]

A few questions…

 

1. are these guys saying “ I like you, but”..”. Are they occuring on date 1 or date 5?
 

2.  Are you picking peop,3 outside your league?  You might want a handsome guy but they might view you as not hot enough for them… you might have a cute face but your behind is too big or breasts too small.

3.  There coukd be other difference beyond looks..behavior, mannerisms, political difference, you want marriage/ kids and they don’t.

 

 

[Allupinnit]

How long are you dating these guys before they tell you that you're not a long-term match?  Where are you meeting them?

[PotatoHead]

Unfortunately, most of us men in our 30's that wanted families probably already have one, or are divorced with children and have no desire to repeat that process again.  There is not much benefit in getting married for a man, too much risk of getting hurt again etc.  Perhaps it is this desire of yours to get married and have children that is putting them off.  You can have a long term relationship and enjoy all of the same things together without marriage.

[Amanda92]

42 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

A few questions…

 

1. are these guys saying “ I like you, but”..”. Are they occuring on date 1 or date 5?
 

2.  Are you picking peop,3 outside your league?  You might want a handsome guy but they might view you as not hot enough for them… you might have a cute face but your behind is too big or breasts too small.

3.  There coukd be other difference beyond looks..behavior, mannerisms, political difference, you want marriage/ kids and they don’t.

 

 

1. After 2-3 months. 

2. I'm very attractive. Unless a guy have different type of girl they all like my look. I have great body and very pretty face. My personality and connection must be a problem.

3. Yes, I think it's more like my behavior. I'm always a bit distant in the beginning, I let a guy to lead, he is into me, so I start opening myself and when I'm ready to put 100% efforts, their feelings are gone. 

[Amanda92]

17 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

How long are you dating these guys before they tell you that you're not a long-term match?  Where are you meeting them?

2-3 months - it's this time when just being attractive and having fun dates together is not enough and people wants feelings

Always dating apps

[Allupinnit]

This is just how modern dating is, unfortunately.

I ran into the same issues when I was back on the market at 32.  Men were happy to date/sleep with me for a few months and then bam, on to the next woman.  It is not wrong/weird/needy to want marriage and a family and I can't imagine why those things would put off the wrong man.  Hell, most quality men I know are married with families.

If you only tend to go for very good-looking men just remember they have a ton of options especially if they have a good career.  You'll just have to keep trying if you won't budge on looks.  

 

[Ami1uwant]

6 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

1. After 2-3 months. 

2. I'm very attractive. Unless a guy have different type of girl they all like my look. I have great body and very pretty face. My personality and connection must be a problem.

3. Yes, I think it's more like my behavior. I'm always a bit distant in the beginning, I let a guy to lead, he is into me, so I start opening myself and when I'm ready to put 100% efforts, their feelings are gone. 

If it’s not on date 1 then there is something more going in beyond looks where you two don’t match fir various reasons or he might have given up trying but you were too guarded.

 

do you think these guys match the important things on having kids, religion, life outlook, etc?  Do you have bigger differences like you have different living styles like you are a morning person and a neat freak or you nag him too much on trying to change him?

[Amanda92]

17 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

Unfortunately, most of us men in our 30's that wanted families probably already have one, or are divorced with children and have no desire to repeat that process again.  There is not much benefit in getting married for a man, too much risk of getting hurt again etc.  Perhaps it is this desire of yours to get married and have children that is putting them off.  You can have a long term relationship and enjoy all of the same things together without marriage.

Actually, I always dated men that in the beginning told me how much they want to have family. They were first to say how much they want children. It really attracts me. Later we don't talk about it, just something like "in 5 years I would like to have family". 

[Ami1uwant]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

This is just how modern dating is, unfortunately.

I ran into the same issues when I was back on the market at 32.  Men were happy to date/sleep with me for a few months and then bam, on to the next woman.  It is not wrong/weird/needy to want marriage and a family and I can't imagine why those things would put off the wrong man.  Hell, most quality men I know are married with families.

If you only tend to go for very good-looking men just remember they have a ton of options especially if they have a good career.  You'll just have to keep trying if you won't budge on looks.  

 

the reason is they want different things so thry decide to end it.

 

some of these guys aren’t ant+ mattage/ LTR but 3-3 months is good enough time to understand who the person is and see their quirks et all

[Amanda92]

1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said:

If it’s not on date 1 then there is something more going in beyond looks where you two don’t match fir various reasons or he might have given up trying but you were too guarded.

 

do you think these guys match the important things on having kids, religion, life outlook, etc?  Do you have bigger differences like you have different living styles like you are a morning person and a neat freak or you nag him too much on trying to change him?

No, they always say that I meet all requirements. We were very similar. They just don't feel it. Maybe I'm too nice and boring? I may not give to much wrong emotions. One guy told me that he was very into toxic dram queens and I'm always nice.

[Allupinnit]

3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

the reason is they want different things so thry decide to end it.

 

some of these guys aren’t ant+ mattage/ LTR but 3-3 months is good enough time to understand who the person is and see their quirks et all

Maybe - but it seems to be the common theme among almost every woman I know trying to date online 30 and over.  

Also, men tend to go for younger so I wasn't even coming up in searches among men my own age.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

One guy told me that he was very into toxic dram queens and I'm always nice.

That’s his problem, not yours.

I understand your frustration, all you can do is keep doing what you are doing and be ready when the right man comes into your life.

[Ami1uwant]

Just now, Amanda92 said:

No, they always say that I meet all requirements. We were very similar. They just don't feel it. Maybe I'm too nice and boring? I may not give to much wrong emotions. One guy told me that he was very into toxic dram queens and I'm always nice.

“ don’t feel it” is being polite

it is because they do not want to get into an argument on your quirks that bother them.

 

these could be behavior quirks

it could be a different laugh you had early on that now feels like chalk screeching

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Maybe - but it seems to be the common theme among almost every woman I know trying to date online 30 and over.  

Also, men tend to go for younger so I wasn't even coming up in searches among men my own age.

yes guys tend to skew to younger ages because the done want the have children 2 years after marriage.

 

ifyou think if a time line

date 2 yrs

engage for 1 yr

get married

thrn there us the I want kids before im 38  pressure.

 

if the guys ste someone 25 thrn thry feel she won’t have kids till 31-32 yrs old.  So there is time.

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

 I’m a guy who was un attracted to drama queens and wanted someone who was themselves.

 

Both sexes have personality behavior that draws their attraction.

 

have you looked at career differences between what you do and they do?

 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

I choose guys that are quite handsome and also with a good career.

Handsome men with good careers in their 30s have a ton of options. Women in their 30s regardless of how attractive they are, are up against this phenomenon. It’s nothing to do with you, just demographics. You’re just going to have to keep dating until you meet someone really compatible where it all clicks. And don’t take it personally. 

[mark clemson]

The guy has to be ready to settle down too.

A relationship boils down to a mutual decision to continue to be in it. That is all it is, at its core. There are various ways of influencing the other person to continue or not continue to make that decision; however, if he's simply not on the same page about LTRs, then in a very real way, what YOU want is irrelevant. He has to want that too.

Many (certainly not all) men who are most comfortable remaining in LTRs will be in one by their 30's. Particularly attractive, successful ones, etc. So many of the ones you're seeing now will actually be the ones who are comfortable single and dating around; your "pool" of dates who'll want to be in an extended LTR is probably fairly small. The flip side of this is that every day there are guys who were dating around and "finally" decide "it's time to settle down".

So, this doesn't at all mean you should give up - it just means that you'll need to keep trying until you find an acceptable guy who's also ready to settle down. Although it's always hard bonding with someone only to then break up, I suspect reality is you'll need to keep at it until you hit one who really is ready/interested in a LTR.

Edited August 4, 2022 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

Yeah it took me dating from 32-37 to meet my H, who is five years older with kids.

This is on the heels of my long-term fiance broke up with me for someone 8 years younger than himself.

[Ami1uwant]

Most guys in their early 30s are looking to settle down and marry if that’s what they want to do.

 

those in certain career  might wait a littke longer because their career is the priority right now ( doctors, lawyers, university faculty)

[glows]

I suppose there's some of GIGS there. We want what we don't have. I'm referring to your friends' comments.

Yes, try not to take it personally if you haven't met anyone yet and enjoy the journey meeting new people. You may be burnt out and need to spend more time with yourself and recharge. Isn't mental health or feeling good about yourself more important than finding a partner? Be happy with where you are or what you're doing in the meantime. Whether someone appears or not is an added bonus.

[Amanda92]

31 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 I’m a guy who was un attracted to drama queens and wanted someone who was themselves.

 

Both sexes have personality behavior that draws their attraction.

 

have you looked at career differences between what you do and they do?

 

 

We both were ambitious educated professionals.

[Els]

The crux of it is that you just have to decide what is most important to you, and be willing to make a few sacrifices for it if it comes down to that.

Is it the children? You don't necessarily need a husband, or a man, or even a partner (of any gender) to have children, if that's your primary goal. I understand that you said you want the whole shebang, but is it really the husband that you want, or do you just think you need to have a husband to have children because that's what society has always told you? Sperm is cheap - it is the uterus that is the limiting factor in having biological children, and fortunately for you, you already have that.

Alternatively, are you willing to consider adopted children? This would remove the timeline pressure, and you could just meet a man and adopt at a much older age than you could have bio kids at.

Otherwise, is it the husband that is most important? Are you willing to marry a husband who doesn't want kids, or who already has kids that you can be a stepmother to?

Or, is it having a long-term partner that you are attracted to and shares your goals, lifestyle, etc? How important is marriage/kids to you in that context?

Basically, we all try to have everything that we want, but generally speaking most adults don't get literally everything that they want in life. It may come to the point where you may need to prioritize certain things over others.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Elswyth