Stress related Jealousy

[FMW]

I'm interested in getting input from others.

I'm in a relationship of over 2 and a half years, we are exclusive but have no desire to live together or marry.  He's a great guy, a truly decent guy, and I very much love him.  I feel confident in his love for me.  I'm happy with our relationship with the following caveat.  

My work is frequently stressful, and recently it occasionally results in temporary bouts of depressed moods/negativity.  When I'm experiencing one of those moods I've noticed I tend to also feel more jealous related to the attention my guy gets.  He's a popular local musician who always has plenty of women trying to get his attention.  He's friendly (as he needs to be as a musician that people are paying to see) but not flirty, so he's not doing anything to trigger my jealousy, it's my issue, not his.  The easy answer is for me to stay away from his shows when I'm in those moods, but he's made it clear that my being there for his shows when I'm able is important to him. 

So the input I'm seeking is thoughts on how to handle it.  I rationally know that it's about my mood and I'm annoyed with myself, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the jealousy.  I haven't discussed it with him because it's not something he's doing anything to cause and I don't want him to think I expect him to do anything differently.  He has an old friend who does act too possessive with him, and we did discuss that (I posted about it), and he is more aware now of not encouraging her .  So it's not like I am not comfortable discussing things that he can actually control.  

I usually just walk away when women come up to him on his breaks or after the gigs, and go talk to friends with my back turned.  But I'd like to learn to manage the feelings, not just react by withdrawing.  

Any advice that will help me re-frame the issue in my head?

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

What comes to mind is exploring steps you can take to get out of your negative mood before showing up. When I am stressed at work, a workout (or even a brisk walk) can help get me back on track. Are you potentially “hangry” and if so take some time to drink some water and a healthy snack or meal. 

Maybe showing up a little late at times when you need to decompress could be useful.

Good luck.

[basil67]

I think the fact you recognise that this is your problem means that you're 3/4 of the way there.  Good for you in being this switched on.  

As you already know you're being irrational, I'm not sure there's much else you can do about the jealousy.   Perhaps the answer is in trying to manage your stress levels in a different way? 

Edit to add: Many find that a couple of paracetamol tablets can be really calming.  Not that you'd want to be doing this on a regular basis, but if you're feeling quite wound up and getting upset, it could bring you back down a bit.    Oh, and a Google search shows it's called Tylenol in the US

Edited August 3, 2022 by basil67

[FMW]

Yes, you're both right.  I need to manage my stress better.  I'm not sure why it's gotten worse lately.  More physical activity would help, I'm sure. 

It just occurred to me that In the past month I've dealt with recovering from jet lag and then COVID, which has left me (and my guy both) with lingering fatigue.  On top of that, the daily high temperatures for the last month have been right at 100 degrees Fahrenheit.  That could all be taking its toll I guess.  

Thanks, it helps to get outside ideas to make me think in broader terms.

[Gaeta]

Quick question: When fans are coming up to him why do you move away? Wouldn't it help if you stayed close to him, letting him make you feel 'inclusive' in those moments? Seeing how he only has eyes for you should chase away that uneasy feeling.

[FMW]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

why do you move away?

He's asked me the same thing.  As I've told him, I understand how people like to talk to the bands they come out to hear, they aren't interested in meeting girlfriends/wives.  I just find it awkward to hang around.  When we're out for other reasons and people recognize him I don't walk away then, that's my/our time.  

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Seeing how he only has eyes for you should chase away that uneasy feeling.

Unfortunately my feelings aren't rational, as I indicated.  I trust him, he doesn't act inappropriately.  But when I'm in those stressed/depressed moments, it doesn't seem to matter.  I can't explain it myself, otherwise I would probably be able to get a handle on it without having to seek ideas.  

Edited to add:  Maybe I should reconsider and join the conversations and not worry about what the other people are thinking.

Edited August 3, 2022 by FMW

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

The easy answer is for me to stay away from his shows when I'm in those moods, but he's made it clear that my being there for his shows when I'm able is important to him. 

I am not sure I am understanding this^ properly, because on its face it doesn't sound quite right.

What do you mean "he's made it clear" he wants you there?

I mean that's terrific and all, but what about you and what you want and what you need?   Especially during such stressful times when you know you are ultra-sensitive to certain stimuli and would prefer to not be exposed to that during that time?  Which imo is understandable.  I am the same actually.  

You sound very understanding of what HE needs, but imo he should be equally understanding of your needs as well, don't you think?

Is he aware of how you feel?  Feeling tired and stressed and your need to not be there on certain nights and spend time unwinding on your own?

If not, I would talk to him about it.

Healthy relationships are not just about one person meeting and understanding the needs of the other, but both people meeting and understanding the needs of each other.

I think it's perfectly normal (and frankly human) to feel stressed/depressed sometimes and it's perfectly normal to want to unwind on your own as a way to cope during those times.    Even when it occurs on a night he's playing in a show and he's "made it clear," he wants you there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

Unfortunately my feelings aren't rational, as I indicated.  I trust him, he doesn't act inappropriately.  But when I'm in those stressed/depressed moments, it doesn't seem to matter.  I can't explain it myself, otherwise I would probably be able to get a handle on it without having to seek ideas.  

What you're experiencing is occasionnal so he gets to have you there most of the time right?

I don't think l would explain to him my feelings in details, we're all entitled to our secret garden, but l would tell him l enjoy going with him and l'm swept away by his talent but sometimes l need to stay behind and relax on my own to recharge my batteries and be a better partner.

[FMW]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

he should be equally understanding of your needs as well, don't you think?

Very good point.  I'll have to give that some serious thought, at least while I'm getting back to feeling 100%.  

He's told me before how great it is that I go to at least a couple of his gigs every week, when lots of girlfriends and wives don't.  When I said "is it that big of a deal?" he said "it's huge".  When I went out of the country with him for three weeks for tour dates he told me how special that was, that I provided a lot of support for him.   

[FMW]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What you're experiencing is occasionnal

Yes, it's only been an issue for me very recently.  I guess I just feel bad backing off of the support of which he's been so appreciative.  But I provide support in a lot of other ways, and I know he's equally appreciative of that.  

[FMW]

Thanks all, I already feel better about it now.  

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, FMW said:

He's told me before how great it is that I go to at least a couple of his gigs every week, when lots of girlfriends and wives don't.  When I said "is it that big of a deal?" he said "it's huge".  When I went out of the country with him for three weeks for tour dates he told me how special that was, that I provided a lot of support for him.   

This sounds like a bit like a guilt trip, even though that may not have been his intention.

On the other hand, I can't blame him since it appears he is completely unaware of how all this makes you feel.

That's on you @FMW.  I am hesitant to find fault with him because of this.

Had you explained your feelings to him, how stressed and depressed you are at certain times due to outside influences (i.e. your job) and he still "made it clear" he wants you there, then I would suggest you rethink remaining in the relationship because that sounds obstinate and rather selfish.

I could not be in a relationship with someone so demanding and not understanding of my needs.

My advice?  Talk to him.  Let him into "your" world.  He may surprise you. 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

Yes, it's only been an issue for me very recently.  I guess I just feel bad backing off of the support of which he's been so appreciative.  

I'm sure it's just a phase and it will pass. It's important though you listen to your needs too, if not you & the relationship will suffer from it. Don't feel guilty. He should feel good about granting you something you need.

[FMW]

He really is a great guy, and yes if I just let him know I need to take it easy for a few weeks he'll understand and I'm sure will ask what he can do for me.  I'm not going to go into any more detail with him on this particular issue beyond just feeling stressed out, no need to introduce any ideas in his head that I think he's done something wrong, because I don't and he hasn't.  

I really do like the ideas about being more physically active and even taking a Tylenol if I feel the need until things get back to normal for me.  Focus on myself a little more for a bit.

Thanks again to everyone.

 

[BaileyB]

IDK, you are asking for advice on how to be OK with other women approaching your boyfriend in bars? It seems to me that you are appropriately not ok with that - I wouldn’t really be ok with that, and I consider myself to be NOT a jealous person in any way. So, if that helps to normalize your feelings at all…

That said, when you chose to date a musician, you did so with the understanding that this is one of the ‘hazards’ of the job. Thus, you must either learn to live with it or end the relationship.

And since I’m quite sure that you don’t want to end the relationship , I think self awareness is key. It’s kind of like the days when I’m wound up and emotional - once I realize that it’s hormonal, that knowledge helps me to be kind to myself, take a deep breath, and let things go… Same with work stress, when I’m stressed at work and it’s affecting my frustration tolerance at home… just having the awareness to say, this isn’t me, what I’m feeling is a reflection of the stress that I’m experiencing at work, and this too shall pass… it helps me to be more calm at home.

So, my advice would be to identify the feeling for what it is, challenge your thinking as you have been doing (ie. he has given me no reason to feel jealous and insecure), and then give yourself a break. And if that doesn’t work - I would either order myself a drink or stay home. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

FMW, you seem to have a really good handle on it.

When I am jealous of women around the focus of my affection, I retreat and turn into a little jealous weirdo, so I totally understand what you mean.

I do think the dynamic between the two people plays a huge part in what is going on. I think it is pretty safe to say that both of you have a pretty good dynamic with each other.

Yes, you want to feel close and securely attached to your partner, but he doesn't need to **actually** be your ride-or-die where jealousy holds that much power.