Am I the worst daughter ever?

[redheaded-squirrel]

I am at a dead-end, so hopefully I can get some fresh perspective here…would be very helpful.

Long story short, my parents paid for my B.A. and M.A. degrees, a lot of money, that I don’t dispute. They bought me an apartment, bought me a car. That I am also grateful for and aware that I was born lucky.

I graduated from my M.A. in 2018 and 2 days later started my dream job that I have secured all by myself. Fast forward 3 and a 1/2 years, I applied for and got - again with no help from my parents - another one, the dream job of dream jobs. All this time, my mother had taken great pride in me working at the 1st job, telling my old teachers, all her friends, how prestigious of a job I have, how well paid, etc. With the 2nd job, even more. It was again very prestigious in my field and in a very exotic country. Yet from my perspective, this 2nd job was one from hell, the workplace was toxic, I was miserable and seriously depressed, and the environment was generally very unsafe (developing country, extremely high crime rates). I wanted to quit 8 months in, told my mother, she said “don’t you dare quit, this is a dream job and many people have it much worse, you don’t know what a bad job is!!! Don’t you dare quit your contract early!” I froze and said nothing, as usual. 

But I did quit and never went back to Africa to finish the last 2 months of my contract. Instead, I got a new great job in my field back home, a job that has the benefits I never even dreamed of having and pays 2 times more and makes me very, very, very happy and fulfilled. Yet I think my mother knows I never went back to my old job and she’s gonna be angry and disrespectful and cold and cruel when I show up at home. Then she’ll calm down after a few weeks and go on with her life as usual, again bragging to everyone about how I have a company car and a credit card and make a shitload of money.

Am I a bad daughter? Why should I apologize for wanting to quit a toxic job? Why should I have to justify ANY of these decisions to her at 28? [ ] I am so bitter I am not even sorry about the lying…

I guess the question is - what do I do now? I think she knows the truth and it’s been 3 weeks. How do I not come out of this like the worst daughter on this planet? And yes, I know I shouldn’t have lied, but honestly, it was almost like a survival response.

Edited July 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language/offensive comparisons

[glows]

No, you’re not the worst daughter on the planet. Not even close. You’ve been spending that time schooling and still feel indebted to your parents for their generosity it seems. It’s time to spread your wings and fly the coop permanently, so to speak. You may have moved out but you haven’t actually moved on from needing that validation from your parents.

Your mother is an ordinary person like anyone else with flaws. If she’s emotional ride it out and don’t feed her issues. Let her have her moment and hissy fit. She’s your mother and she can feel what she needs to feel. Just be confident in your choices.

Enjoy your new job and adjust to your new position. Congrats on the accomplishments. 

Edited July 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove quote

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this isn't about your achievements or choices. Your mother sounds like a broken, controlling person. Distance yourself and do not seek approval from someone fighting their own demons.

Edited July 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove quote

[ASG]

Definitely not the worst daughter. 

And your mother is also not really bad. She's looking out for you. Sometimes, with the older generation, that stayed in the same job all their lives, quitting a job is seen like a bad thing, and also valuing mental health above your job is not the done thing. 

The fact that you already have a new job, that is even better than the last one, will likely soften the blow to your mom's concern. 

My parents have also been less than supportive of me quitting jobs where I was miserable. But once I did, and then got another job, it was all great.

[Els]

You don't owe them your life and you don't owe them any say in your life's decisions; however, you also can't control the actions of anyone other than yourself. Your mother will behave the way she wants and say the things she wants - it's up to you how you will respond, and how you will set healthy boundaries with them.

I know a thing or two about traditional, conservative, overbearing parents (mostly, due to having them myself ). Yes, they (mostly my mother) will rage and get upset for a bit, but I just let the storm blow over for the most part - I don't apologize or justify anything, but I also try not to scream back at her or fan the flames. If they behave like a child throwing a tantrum, I treat them like one. When they calm down and want to have an actual, respectful adult conversation, then I'll have one with them.

I also understand that it's waaaaaaay easier said than done, so my sympathies.

[NuevoYorko]

Many people go through something similar to this in early adulthood.  I did.

You're a grown woman and you are entitled to make your own choices in life.  You know your mother and you are going to have to learn how to deal with her ways as an adult.  The first step is to OWN your own autonomy.   Don't pander to her or protect yourself  by trying to hide the truth.   I know this is going to seem impossible right now, but what you have to do is to just simply tell her what is pertinent for her to know and deal with her reactions with variants of "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then deflecting the conversation as well as you can to something neutral, like her garden or whatever.

A lot of this is about boundaries.  Your mom probably doesn't have much in the way of boundaries where you are concerned.  A parent can have a hard time really seeing their children as sentient beings.  After all, you used to reside inside of her body and she was absolutely responsible for your survival; she may always see you as a part of her more than as your own person.   Unfortunately that puts the burden on you to maintain all the boundaries - but it's just the way it goes sometimes.  

Establish yourself as an adult, in some ways an equal to your mother.   This way, you will be able to develop a different style of relationship with her.  She will come to realize that you are living your life and you are still her daughter.  

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you did what you needed to do to be reasonably happy. People outside of you don't always see clearly that "what they think is best" is actually making you miserable. So, seems like you made the best choice for you.

It's been three weeks - as you give it some time, maybe a lot more time, for her to come to terms with it. Hopefully in a year or two it will be "water under the bridge"...

[ShyViolet]

Stop saying you're the "worst daughter on the planet".  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You are an adult and you have the right to live your life as you see fit and make your own decisions.  You have the right to leave a job that you're unhappy at.  Even though your parents paid for your education and car, and whatever else, that is completely irrelevant to the situation... they have no right to control whether you leave a job.  Just because they paid for your education, that doesn't mean they own you.  If your mother becomes verbally abusive or disrespectful in any way towards you, then you respond the same way you would respond to anyone who was being disrespectful to you..... you end the conversation, hang up the phone, leave her house, whatever the case may be.  You shouldn't tolerate it.  And STOP apologizing and justifying yourself.  Be more confident and unapologetic in your convictions.