Owl Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 So what I am saying is that I personally feel that the OM/OW can and should expose to the BS.... IF..... The reason that they're doing so is to make sure that the BS is aware, and is being done so in an effort to show some compassion or caring. If the intent is to lash out at the BS or to attack them in some way, or to allow the A to continue because the OM/OW hopes that the BS will end the marriage, then I'd say that it's probably better that the OM/OW do not contact the BS. And one last thought...if you can possibly begin to imagine the pain that the BS goes through in the light of the affair, then be braced for an attack if you call. Most BS's are not likely to react in a rational, fair, nice way at all. They will likely blame the OM/OW as much as the WS, and will almost certainly take that opportunity to blast the OM/OW. In the words of Elminster the Sage..."Ye have been warned!" If the OM/OW does confess to the BS, don't expect them to be sympathetic towards you...quite the contrary, batten down the hatches!
Sami_D Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 So what I am saying is that I personally feel that the OM/OW can and should expose to the BS.... IF..... The reason that they're doing so is to make sure that the BS is aware, and is being done so in an effort to show some compassion or caring. If the intent is to lash out at the BS or to attack them in some way, or to allow the A to continue because the OM/OW hopes that the BS will end the marriage, then I'd say that it's probably better that the OM/OW do not contact the BS. Why is the W going to care what this intention is? Isn't their world going to be turned upside down just at the knowledge that their spouse has been cheating? The only one who is going to be affected negatively/positively (possibly!) in this respect is the person ditching the dirt. For the W, the news is going to be a bitter blow, whatever the supposed motivation.
Owl Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Yes, the BS's world will be shattered regardless of the OM/OW's intentions in calling. Actually, this isn't JUST about the BS...at least my reasoning isn't. But even as a BS, I would tell you that if OM in my case had called to confess because he wanted to gloat, or to convince me to leave my wife so that he could have a shot at her, the odds are a LOT better that I would have gone after him. It's a risk, anytime...jealousy and hatred and bitterness are a given, and even the best of people (me? ) are quite capable of reacting violently, especially when seemingly faced by someone who's sole intention appears to be to hurt them. (like most people, I had thoughts about going after OM...unlike many mine were well thought out and planned, and given my training and background, I would have almost certainly succeeded in anything I set out to do to him) If the OP calls to let the BS know what's going on, and does their best to indicate that they're ending the A and taking the appropriate action to do so, it's likely to be a lot less stressful on both parties than dealing with someone who's belligerently saying "I'm schtuping him, and there isn't anything you can do about it!". That's why I feel that motives matter. And the odds are, the BS already suspects something is going on...an affair creates a huge vacuum in the marital relationship that is very hard to miss. I actually spoke with OM on the phone for about 30 minutes a few days after I found out about the affair. It was actually pretty civil the whole time, which I gather is not the normal. Until I told him bluntly that he'd better not hurt her...he responded with "I don't like being threatened.". The conversation went downhill from there. LOL
RecordProducer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I haven't read many posts here who advocate the (S)OW telling the W. In fact, quite the opposite. But apparently, if you're an OM/W who is married, that is a whole different ball game? LB said that the betrayed wife is advices to tell the betrayed husband about the affair going on between the MM and the OW. And you asked what the point was? That's what I commented. You are not married and nobody said that the OW should tell the wife. If I were the wife, I would like to know and end the marriage. I would probably tell the OW's husband if she were married. Of course, if I were the OW or the cheater I wouldn't want the betrayed spouses to know. So what I am saying is, that the answer to this question has to be biased depending on your personal situation. I am sure you wouldn't want to be a BS living in dark.
d'Arthez Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 If the answer depends on personal perspective you have not mastered the problem. Only a particular perspective.
glittergurl Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Starreyes, you're such a selfish tool. Seriously, his wife must be devastated. They have children. I'm sure he still cares about her and they're probably very busy trying to either save their marriage or organize a divorce, and trying to figure our their life. I get the feeling he's a bit too busy for you right now, and she probably told him not to see you again ever. Remember, she's his wife, not you. She's his priority, not you. Ughh, I feel sorry for your husband by the way.
Hot Coco Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Just curious Glitter, did you ever find out if your husband was cheating on you?
glittergurl Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 lol my husband's not a cheater I'm just jealouse like a child
Sami_D Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 So what I am saying is, that the answer to this question has to be biased depending on your personal situation. Well exactly. That is entirely my point. Whether the advice is to contact/not contact the BS is all about someone else, not the BS. It's not about what's OK/good/useful for the BS, it's all about the other person (OW/MOW whatever): their needs, desires, or the publicly perceived 'rights' (or not) of that person to interfere in a marriage. Double standards.
TheDiva Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Why is it that OW wants to tell wife AFTER the fact and never before the A starts??????? Just a rhetorical question..........
Sami_D Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Why is it that OW wants to tell wife AFTER the fact and never before the A starts??????? Just a rhetorical question.......... Well the OW's motivations are (perhaps) not in doubt. The fact remains, that there is a woman who is going to learn about an affair her H had. Will she really care so much about the motivations of the person who informs her of that?
TheDiva Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Yes it will matter. The anger will make it matter. W will get pi$$ed at husband that tells her, but W will be FURIOUS with OW for telling her. It may not be fair or right. I am not saying this is what happens every time. But it's kinda like this........This assumes in person. Husband: " I have been having an affair. I want a divorce/ work through this." whatever Wife: "WHAT HOW COULD YOU ........" calls him every name in the book, tells him to get out, etc. Then somewhere in the back of her head...... while still pissed she could be thinking ...well at least he told me blah blah OW: "I been sleepin' with your man!" WIfe: " You BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP get out, I better not catch you near him again or I will BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP your BLEEEEEEEEP" In the back of her mind she is thinking BLEEP BLEEP. Ok that was over-dramatized but the point is, half the time the OW who wants to take the MM away from W will not be anything close to sensitive to W. She will come off as gloating. While MM probably won't be sensitive either,( being that he was having an affair), he is the one that the vows were spoken with, and he is obligated to tell wife before during or after, about his mistakes not the OW ( she may be gloating or not). The OW who is able to make a clean get away is IMHO the luckiest of all. And I do agree none of this is fair to the W.
Sami_D Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 The question is not about HER husband telling her. It's about the OTHER BS telling her (if the person her H is having an affair with is M). In both cases HER spouse doesn't come clean at all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 The enemy of my enemy is my friend: in other words, its going to be much better received from someone else who is sharing in the misery (other BS), than it would be coming from one of the people causing the misery (OW/OM). Neither is pleasant, but hearing it from someone who shares a similar pain and is also a BS in the situation is the lesser of the two evils. The other BS can empathise, and the BS will share in that empathy to take a united front against the adultry in both marriages. There is no empathy between the OW/OM and the BS.
Sami_D Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 The enemy of my enemy is my friend: in other words, its going to be much better received from someone else who is sharing in the misery (other BS), than it would be coming from one of the people causing the misery (OW/OM). Neither is pleasant, but hearing it from someone who shares a similar pain and is also a BS in the situation is the lesser of the two evils. Well maybe the lesser of the two evils... if you HAVE to face that situation. But does that make one course of action OK, and the other not-OK? Surely the overriding question is: Does The Wife Need To Know At All? I would argue that in most situations, it's better for the BS to know than not know (MY POV; what I'd like if it was ME). But some people say that they wouldn't want to know. I think MOST people would WANT to know if their spouse was having an affair. Personally, I feel that what this situation shows is more antagonism to the motives of the OW, than it does ANY kind of thought for the BS. i.e. the OW being told "it's not your place" to tell what you know is ALL ABOUT the negative perception of the OW, and nothing to do with the requirements or wishes of the BS.
TheDiva Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Well maybe the lesser of the two evils... if you HAVE to face that situation. But does that make one course of action OK, and the other not-OK? Surely the overriding question is: Does The Wife Need To Know At All? I would argue that in most situations, it's better for the BS to know than not know (MY POV; what I'd like if it was ME). But some people say that they wouldn't want to know. I think MOST people would WANT to know if their spouse was having an affair. Personally, I feel that what this situation shows is more antagonism to the motives of the OW, than it does ANY kind of thought for the BS. i.e. the OW being told "it's not your place" to tell what you know is ALL ABOUT the negative perception of the OW, and nothing to do with the requirements or wishes of the BS. Your right. Everyone is different. I would want to know, but that's me. I would want to know, wouldn't matter who it is coming from. I would like to know that when I have sex with my H that I am not risking my life with STD's or at the very least a yeast infection:sick: It's really unfair anyway because the W didn't stand in front of that minister and say vows with H and OW. Personally, I think the BS should always be told, because then they can make an informed decision to work on the M or leave. {In the case of MM who WILL NOT leave the M} I mean imagine finding out after 10-15-20 years of marriage that your H had a long term affair and he and the OW decided you should never know. I think that would make a lot of women feel that their marriage was pretty worthless and they wasted their time. JMO though, I can't speak for anyone but me really. Which goes to the OT thing of Why not just go ahead and leave the marriage? In a perfect world right? Of course BS initial reaction is to put most of the blame on the OP anyway. Simply because its hard to believe someone you love would cheat on you so willingly. I don't believe OW are generally bad people. (I only have beef with a certain one. {No I am not a BS} But there was a professional OW who made an inital move on my H, and he didn't even know it! She is also a member of my own family! I call her a professional OW cause its her first requirement in looking for a new man, he must be married in order to date him.) But in general I don't view OW with negativity, just the situation. Afterall I would have to chop off my head if I did that. After all, I was one in another lifetime I don't recommend it to ANYONE.
seachange Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Personally, I feel that what this situation shows is more antagonism to the motives of the OW, than it does ANY kind of thought for the BS. i.e. the OW being told "it's not your place" to tell what you know is ALL ABOUT the negative perception of the OW, and nothing to do with the requirements or wishes of the BS. Hm. I think the point is that motives do matter to the BS. Assuming that what we're concerned with here is her feelings. But are we? From the BS perspective, I wanted to know, bottom line. And I wouldn't actually say I don't think it's the OW's "place" to tell. Had the OW told me, sure, a part of me would have been relieved. (Of course, I certainly wouldn't have felt grateful to her. I would have been grateful if she'd told me my husband was coming on to her before she agreed to an affair. Diva made an excellent point. If it's so important for the BS to know, why not just tell her at the outset? Why wait until the affair itself is in jeopardy, or over?) But anyway. Back to topic. I still would have wanted to know. But my opinion of her, and my view of the situation and who I wanted to blame, would have depended on the way she did it. I don't know that any OW who is on the cusp of spilling all would care about the BS's opinion of her. I'm sure it's not foremost in her mind. But for what it's worth, I would have despised her if it was clear she was doing it specifically to hurt me (or just to break up the marriage - regardless of whether I would have left anyway). So to sum up. If the OW is coming at this from a position of altruism, please just tell before anything actually happens! (OK, that's my polly-anna line for the day. I know it's ridiculous. But wouldn't it be nicer for everyone involved? So much less fallout and drama.) No, but really. If it's from a position of altruism and/or remorse, tell the BS after it's really over, be considerate of her pain, and move on. If it's from a position of revenge, well, tell if you want. As I said, I'd still rather know than not know. Under any circumstances. But think about this: no matter what, the BS will be hurt. Why exacerbate that with spite? You know the MM is telling lies about you to her. Why confirm them? In other words, I think the OW could convey the salient points without unloading all her own pain on the BS. It's just not necessary, unless all she wants is to unload pain and it doesn't matter who's standing in the way. If she genuinely wants to help the BS by giving her info she didn't previously have, she could try to empathize, figure out what the BS really needs to know and tell her that.
Author starreyes Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 I don't think the MW/OW should ever talk to the BS - I think she is hurting enough. What's to gain by that?? My MM's W knows of the affair and I would never call her and talk to her. My original post was because my MM wasn't talking to me and I was seeing if anyone else was in this situation. We never fought but since W found out, wants nothing to do with me. I wanted to see how other OW/MW handled this. All of your opinions have been great but I guess I'll never really know why he isn't talking and I don't think I should pester him about it either. Time to move on and never get involved like this again
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Many BS's need to talk to OW/OM to get the closure they need, ask questions, and just to find out information...And as well as to actually TELL them that the affair is over. He isn't talking to you anymore because it's what his wife has asked him to do if he wants to still be married to her...To work on the marriage and make things right again he HAD to end with you completely. That is why. I'm sure he's upset and hurting inside. You are doing the right thing by not pestering him about it...Let him go, know that YOU will find someone single and better suited for you. Good luck!
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