W found out - MM not talking - why?

[starreyes]

My MM's wife found out that he was having an affair and now he's not even talking to me. I know he must be going through a lot between his wife, the kids, counseling, etc. but why throw me to the side? I am also married but this is hard to understand. He doesn't want to talk at all. Has anyone else encountered this? Does this happen to all OW?

[whichwayisup]

This is an obvious case of someone not seeing the whole picture and not thinking clearly. From where I sit the answer is so clear.

 

His wife found out about the affair - Has told him not to be intouch with you anymore - No contact whatsoever - They are probably figuring out things together, remember she is completely devastated by this, so understand right now his focus is going to be fixing things at home, making sure his kids are OK too.

 

You're a married woman, so imagine the pain of your husband finding out... He could very well find out very soon, if his wife is anything like other betrayed spouses she will be contacting your husband to expose the affair to him. Best thing you can do right now is come clean and tell him yourself. I'm not saying this to scare you but you have to be aware that his wife is hurt, angry and pissed off enough to take action.

 

Leave him alone, don't call him at all, don't email him or try to go see him.

[Sami_D]

From what I've read, after a D-day, there is often a period of NC while the dust settles. It's also likely that he'll try to re-make contact with you at some point.

 

I would use this time to re-assess the whole situation and decide where you want it to go for you. Maybe by the time he (might) get back in touch, you'll not be interested any longer.

 

Good luck, and don't take anyone's viewpoint as gospel.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you check out MarriageBuilders and SurvivingInfidelity you'll see it from the other side, and get an understanding of what MM is probably going through:

 

1. BS catches MM/MW in the affair.

2. BS requests that MM/MW go to complete 'no contact' with OW/OM (and this is heavily and steadfastly monitored in MANY ways)

3. If MM/MW do not follow through, the affair is exposed to as many people as possible - coworkers, family, etc (in your case, since you have a H the BS would be calling your H and exposing the affair to him in order to force you to back off)

4. After exposure, the BS will often follow a pattern of behavior that is meant to show the best parts of the relationship they had with the WS (you'll hear this referred to as Plan A)

5. Reconciliation happens, marriage counseling, etc.

6. WS often realizes that there is a firm choice: OW/OM or BS - choosing one shuts the door on the other, and even one contact with OW/OM can mean divorce - most of the time, they do not want divorce. They may not be happy being married, but they are willing to work toward it because they do not want a divorce, and do not want to leave their W/family.

7. They make their final choice internally and commit one way or the other.

 

Your MM appears to be in the 'no contact' period - even if he isn't going through the exact scenario above I'm pretty sure he knows better than to contact you right now. Don't be surprised to get a letter from him letting you know that he is rededicating his life to his W and asks for 'no contact', and don't be surprised if MM's W calls your H and exposes the affair. BS's are more or less counseled to do that.

 

but why throw me to the side?

 

Because if he doesn't he loses what he wants to hold on to.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Starreyes....

 

this is a quote from you from Sept 05...

 

There's going to come a time when you've had enough of the "friends" bit and you will re-examine what "friends" really is. That is what happened to me. We tried to be "friends" but it's not working. I finally decided that to move on with MY life, I needed to stop being friends with him. I have to be free, if you will. I'm in that situation now and it's time for me to say goodbye to him, yet he won't let me go. But I have to do it for myself.

 

What LB said is extremely true - see the relationship for what it is, and when you do, you will finally get clarity. I finally did, and told him what I thought of us as "friends" and I felt 100 percent better. Being honest with him and yourself finally makes you see things clearly and then you can act to help yourself...because you have to be happy with yourself to live a happy life.

 

Maybe its time to take your own advice and just walk away.....he is TRYING to make things right with his M.....maybe its time you do the same....

 

 

and just a couple questions.....did he confess or did W discover?

 

Are you prepared for the aftermath if his W exposes to your H?

 

 

You have been here long enough to know what happens after an affair ends....I just hope you are emotionally and mentally prepared....cuase it aint easy.....EVERYONE gets hurt.....

 

as much as I;d like to tell you were to stuff it....I wont....but I will wish you luck and hope for your future.

[Sami_D]

Don't be surprised to get a letter from him letting you know that he is rededicating his life to his W and asks for 'no contact', and don't be surprised if MM's W calls your H and exposes the affair. BS's are more or less counseled to do that.

 

BS are more or less counseled to tell the spouse of the cheater what went on?

 

That's interesting. What's the purpose of that?

 

And how is it that if it was a SW who had an affair with a MM the advice would be to not tell the spouse?

 

What difference would it make to the spouse whether the person who had an affair with their W/H was married or not? None, I would have thought.

 

Seems to me there is some sort of double standard going on here, and I'm not sure exactly what it is.

[starreyes]

Yup, thanks guys - I needed all of this. You're all right - do the NC thing and move on - I got it.

 

Thumbing, I know you're going through a difficult situation too and I know it hurts everybody in the end. Hopefully, the MM or his W won't expose me but I am prepared if that happens (as much as I can be). You can tell me to stuff it - I've told myself worse things than that being in this stupid situation. To answer your questions, wife suspected and he confessed. Doesn't matter - time to move on.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. BS are more or less counseled to tell the spouse of the cheater what went on?

 

2. That's interesting. What's the purpose of that?

 

3. And how is it that if it was a SW who had an affair with a MM the advice would be to not tell the spouse?

 

4. What difference would it make to the spouse whether the person who had an affair with their W/H was married or not? None, I would have thought.

 

5. Seems to me there is some sort of double standard going on here, and I'm not sure exactly what it is.

 

1. Yep. Spouses, coworkers, bosses (if the coworkers are not supposed to be fraternizing - which results in suspensions, firings and the like) friends, family members, etc.

 

2. To end all secrecy between all parties involved - the idea is that if all the secrecy is taken from the affair, the excitement leaves it. The affair cannot survive the napalm attack of brutal, full exposure and continued accountability. Those that do, were likely the product of marriages that were going to end anyway for some reason or other.

 

3. Because it isn't the OW job to do so. Exposure is to end the affair so that healing and reconcilation can begin. The way it is presented, this is something BS's do to force the affair to end so that reconciliation can begin. It is done with the best interests of the marriage in mind. It is destruction followed by renewal. When the OW exposes, do you think it is done with the best interests of the marriage in mind, in an altrusitic gesture toward the MM and his W to help them fix their problems? Or... is it done to inflict pain and punishment to make the MM suffer? Basically telling is telling. But, the motivations are very, very different.

 

4. If the BS find out that the OW or OM is married or involved, exposure tends to be more dramatic and more likely to result in the end of the affair.

 

5. Its all in the motivation - one tells to heal, the other to destroy. Its not a double standard so much as it is a drive to suggest things to people that can heal, and a hesitancy to suggest things to people that will hurt.

 

These aren't my ideas though. Just some observations I've seen on MarriageBuilders and SurvivingInfidelity. If you want some further insight on what support, advice and counsel is given to the BS - then lurk a while on those sites and do some reading.

[Sami_D]

3. Because it isn't the OW job to do so. Exposure is to end the affair so that healing and reconcilation can begin. The way it is presented, this is something BS's do to force the affair to end so that reconciliation can begin. It is done with the best interests of the marriage in mind. It is destruction followed by renewal. When the OW exposes, do you think it is done with the best interests of the marriage in mind, in an altrusitic gesture toward the MM and his W to help them fix their problems? Or... is it done to inflict pain and punishment to make the MM suffer? Basically telling is telling. But, the motivations are very, very different.

 

The motivations might be different, but are the results to the spouse of the cheater? I don't think so. I don't think it would matter to someone one bit if their spouse cheated with a married or a single person. It's all very much of a muchness.

 

"It's not the OW's place"... and it is the BS's place? Again... double standards. Nothing less. The end result is the same.

 

I didn't mean to suggest that you were advocating these responses. I'm just pointing out the discrepancy in advice.

[whichwayisup]

BS are more or less counseled to tell the spouse of the cheater what went on?

 

That's interesting. What's the purpose of that?

 

And how is it that if it was a SW who had an affair with a MM the advice would be to not tell the spouse?

 

What difference would it make to the spouse whether the person who had an affair with their W/H was married or not? None, I would have thought.

 

Seems to me there is some sort of double standard going on here, and I'm not sure exactly what it is.

 

To make sure the affair is exposed and it won't start up again. Ruining the secreticy of it all and the excitement. So eyes will be watching.

[Sami_D]

To make sure the affair is exposed and it won't start up again. Ruining the secreticy of it all and the excitement. So eyes will be watching.

 

So really, at the end of it, the spouse's interests are absolutely not considered?

 

Just that The Affair is countered?

[whichwayisup]

So really, at the end of it, the spouse's interests are absolutely not considered?

 

Just that The Affair is countered?

 

Maybe I misunderstood you or I'm having a brain cramp...I don't understand what you're saying now? Sorry...

 

What I meant by what I thought you said is : The MM/OW affair is exposed, so MM confesses to his wife - Then the wife gets intouch with OW's spouse to tell him about the affair. Some do, some don't. But by doing that, it makes the affair out in the open so chances are it won't start up again.

[Sami_D]

Situation 1)

 

OM/W was M. Spouse found out. Decides to tell the other BS 'because I want to make sure this affair ends'. Result: BS(2) finds out that their spouse was unfaithful, and has to deal with all that entails.

 

Situation 2)

 

OM/W was S. Decides to tell the BS 'because I need to know that he loves me/ because I want to end your M, because whatever whatever'. Result: BS finds out that their spouse was unfaithful, and has to deal with all that entails.

 

In both these Situations... the end result is the same for the BS.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, either way the BS finds out but don't they have a right to know? To decide whether or not they want to work things out or end it?

[RecordProducer]

12. To end all secrecy between all parties involved - the idea is that if all the secrecy is taken from the affair, the excitement leaves it. The affair cannot survive the napalm attack of brutal, full exposure and continued accountability. Those that do, were likely the product of marriages that were going to end anyway for some reason or other.

Good point and I found LB's whole post great.

 

 

So really, at the end of it, the spouse's interests are absolutely not considered?

Which spouse? In any case, if the cheater and his or her lover want to keep hiding their affair, it means they intend to stay cheaters. Defending their "right" to privacy is basically approving infidelity as a life style.

 

Modern western society has offered many solutions (divorce, counselling, freedom of choices for both sexes, equal rights, etc.). There is no need to abuse the other party's trust to fulfill your additional needs for sex, fun, and excitement through cheating and lying.

[Sami_D]

Yes, either way the BS finds out but don't they have a right to know? To decide whether or not they want to work things out or end it?

 

Well yes, I agree. My posts here have always been... shouldn't the BS know? But apparently not, if it's the OW who does the 'revealing' (she should remain silent, according to popular view)

[Sami_D]

Good point and I found LB's whole post great.

 

 

 

Which spouse? In any case, if the cheater and his or her lover want to keep hiding their affair, it means they intend to stay cheaters. Defending their "right" to privacy is basically approving infidelity as a life style.

 

Modern western society has offered many solutions (divorce, counselling, freedom of choices for both sexes, equal rights, etc.). There is no need to abuse the other party's trust to fulfill your additional needs for sex, fun, and excitement through cheating and lying.

 

The spouse who is in the dark.

 

In the MM/OW scenario, the only spouse, ie. the W

 

I haven't read many posts here who advocate the (S)OW telling the W. In fact, quite the opposite. But apparently, if you're an OM/W who is married, that is a whole different ball game?

[Sami_D]

Defending their "right" to privacy is basically approving infidelity as a life style.

 

And this is what you advise to OW who have been involved with a MM? Tell his W, because that way his cheating lifestyle is revealed?

[Owl]

Sami-

 

Again, what is the purpose of the OW/OM telling the BS? If your purpose is to hurt the BS in the hopes that they'll end the marriage, or extract some type of revenge, then who would honestly tell you that they feel this is a 'just' course of action. If you're telling the BS because you feel that they've been betrayed and it's their right to know, then IMHO, you should tell them.

 

The reasoning behind exposing the affair to EVERYONE is exactly what LB stated...to end the affair and allow the marriage to begin it's healing process. This healing cannot start while the affair continues...in ANY way. That's why NC is so critical to the marriage...because ANY kind of emotional investment between the MM/MW and the OM/OW is detrimental to the re-building of the marriage.

 

And as far as the BS exposing to the OM/OW's spouse...again, the reasoning there is two-fold. First, if you have THAT person working to end the affair as well, it makes it MUCH harder for the MM/MW and OM/OW to continue the affair together...thus increasing your own marriage's chances of survivial. And additionally, I'll tell you that most BS's almost always prefer to KNOW that something is going on than to just sit there and suspect. If someone had known about my wife's A, I would have wanted them to tell me...because if I KNOW, I can take action against the affair...but if I don't know, it's much more difficult to do so.

 

Make sense?

[Sami_D]

If someone had known about my wife's A, I would have wanted them to tell me...because if I KNOW, I can take action against the affair...but if I don't know, it's much more difficult to do so.

 

Make sense?

 

Absolutely.

 

I just don't understand why it makes a difference whether the person having an affair with your spouse is attached or unattached.

[TheDiva]

In the case of the marriage fixers..

 

It seems to me it's better for the S OW to just try to move on. Because if she 'tattles' it makes her look worse to the BW and then the MM typically answers this with talking bad about the OW to the W. Just as he could have very well been talking about bad about the W at the start of the A. Any which way though, it gives most MM/BW more of a reason to put up a united front. Cementing the OW as the 'homewrecking troublemaker' (she probably not really is) and keeping MM from owning all of his blame in the A.

 

Every case is different though, so its hard to just suppose. I think if the BW needs details, then they should come from her husband, and if she has to know more go ahead and approach the OW (by phone or mail.) But in most cases it seems like OW just wants to hurt MM and by that further hurts BW. I can advocate an OW telling when there are other circumstances, such as a pregnacy, STD's etc. but just to it to hurt their marriage, nope I don't think its a good idea. Genders can be reversed also.

 

Can you see what I am getting at?

 

Whereas if both cheating parties are married couples,they could possibly be pretty good friends,therefore would be awkward to say the least.

"Why don't we ever see the Jones' anymore?" Try explaining that one to the spouse that is left in the dark.

 

In the case of not friends it's just a matter of exposure to all involved so the A is harder to continue on both sides. Being that each partner took vows that hold, them in a sense, "accountable" to their spouses.

 

Did all that come out right? I am having to get up and down right now so it may not make much sense.

[Sami_D]

Well to me, it's just looking like the unsuspecting W is really not considered at all. Whether she would like to know or not like to know... she's seen as being someone to be told or not told depending on other factors in the situation.

 

That doesn't seem fair at all to me, given that so much is talked about moralism in all this.

[TheDiva]

Yes, W should be told, but the MM should be the one to do it.

[Owl]

Well Sami, I'm a little hesitant to post my response, but I'm going to do so with the caveat that I am NOT aiming this at you. I don't know you, you have nothing to do with what happened in my situation, so my response is NOT about you...please understand that.

 

If the other person is also married, I would have an even less respect for them given that they could empathize and are aware of what they're doing to two marriages, not just one. And I would have had a lot less respect for my wife for the same reason.

 

Additionally, knowing that the OM/OW is married gives the BS that much more leverage to fight to end the affair...it's an additional area where exposure would force the affair to end, or at least make the continuation of it so difficult that it would likely cause it to fail.

[Sami_D]

It's ok, Owl, I'm not married and I'm not involved in any situation even remotely like this one.

 

What I'm saying is it seems that the unsuspecting W is being dragged into a situation based solely on the desires of other people. Not nice.

 

I just can't see the difference.

 

In some situations she's seen to be OK as long as she knows nothing, and in others, she really, really, needs to know.

 

Actually, I would have thought it was MORE important that she knew that her H was involved with a single OW, since there was more likelihood of that leading to something. Apparently not.