lorenzo998 Posted May 12, 2022 Posted May 12, 2022 (edited) Last year I moved to a new country. I started using a language learning app to practice my target language through language exchange and make friends. I met this girl through this app about 6 months ago by chance who was also interested in practicing my native language. We've been meeting on Skype every week since then to talk for 60-90 minutes. We always have a good time during our conversations as we are both very motivated in learning each other's native language. She also seems comfortable talking to me and has shared many things about her life with me. I always found her attractive, but since three months ago I started having a crush on her. I've been thinking on asking her to meet in person some day since we live relatively close to each other (4 hours apart). The only thing that holds me back of doing that is that she is 20 and I'm 32 (she doesn't know my age, I only know hers because once she shared her screen to show me what she was working on and I could see her birth date.) Should I worry about this age difference? Edited May 12, 2022 by lorenzo998 typos
basil67 Posted May 12, 2022 Posted May 12, 2022 You haven't mentioned that she feels the same as you, so try not to put the cart before the horse. The age may or may not be a problem, there's no predicting what she may feel. When my daughter was 20yo, her upper age limit for a man was about 23yo...but that's just one girl. There is also the issue of what her parents may say. You say that you talk on Skype, so she probably has a fair idea that you're quite a bit older than her. Something else is the distance. You say that 4hrs is fairly close. But would she feel the same as you? She may want the kind of partner who's around and easily available. If things worked out, would you be up for moving to where she lives?
Wiseman2 Posted May 12, 2022 Posted May 12, 2022 8 hours ago, lorenzo998 said: since three months ago I started having a crush on her. I've been thinking on asking her to meet in person we live 4 hours apart. The fact that you are long distance is more of a problem. Keep in mind that this is a language penpal. So you could risk the friendship by hitting on her. It's ok to have a crush, but date local women closer to your life stage.
Ami1uwant Posted May 12, 2022 Posted May 12, 2022 At this point the age might be a big deal with her only 20. It’s culturally dependent 12 yr difference might be a big deal at that time but if you were 38-40 and she was 26-38 there wouldn't be an issue.
glows Posted May 12, 2022 Posted May 12, 2022 12 hours ago, lorenzo998 said: Last year I moved to a new country. I started using a language learning app to practice my target language through language exchange and make friends. I met this girl through this app about 6 months ago by chance who was also interested in practicing my native language. We've been meeting on Skype every week since then to talk for 60-90 minutes. We always have a good time during our conversations as we are both very motivated in learning each other's native language. She also seems comfortable talking to me and has shared many things about her life with me. I always found her attractive, but since three months ago I started having a crush on her. I've been thinking on asking her to meet in person some day since we live relatively close to each other (4 hours apart). The only thing that holds me back of doing that is that she is 20 and I'm 32 (she doesn't know my age, I only know hers because once she shared her screen to show me what she was working on and I could see her birth date.) Should I worry about this age difference? If it makes you feel uncomfortable rethink it. You may be lonely and thinking about her as a romantic option. As she lives four hours away, reconsider also dating someone who is more local to you. 1
bluedog20193 Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 (edited) I (32M) have never been in a relationship before. I never cared about this as I never met anyone that caught my attention. I always felt comfortable how my life was. Last year I got the chance of going abroad to get a graduate degree and work there after graduation. It was in a country which culture I liked and already knew how to speak the country's language fluently. I started hiring tutors online to help me improve my conversational skills (which were already advanced) in the country's language. I met many amazing tutors of different backgrounds and eventually met this girl (21F) who I clicked with really quickly. We talk once a week on Skype for one hour and text occasionally. I'm not a good conversationalist but with her I feel I could talk for hours. She lives 4 hours away from where I'm currently living and also speaks my native language fluently. I always liked her since the beginning, but I thought my feelings towards her were going to go away as I met new people and travelled the country in my free time. I also tried to convince myself that the age difference and distance would be a problem. Almost one year of having met her, my feelings towards her are way more intense and I can't get her out of my head. Next week I'm asking her out. I'm doing this mainly for my inner peace. I want to do it very casually, so she doesn't feel too uncomfortable if she's not interested. I want to take her to a big park that has many attractions to see and do that I think she's going to love. The place is 4 hours away from me and 1 away from her, I'm willing to pay for any expenses such as tickets and food. I'm overly anxious about it. I'm ready to move on and stop booking lessons with her if she turns me down. If she accepts going out with me, I honestly have no idea what to expect. I would really appreciate any opinion/feedback/advice on this as this is something that has been in my head for many months. Edited July 28, 2022 by bluedog20193
glows Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 I seem to remember someone posting exactly this scenario under a different username. The age gap may be a concern for her and she may decline. Does she know your age? And have you actually met before or are you meaning "met" in the virtual/online sense? See how it goes. It's ok to feel anxious but keep things simple for yourself and cross each bridge as it comes. Don't over think the date. See if she is available or reciprocates interest first or agrees to go out with you. Do you know if she's single? 1
bluedog20193 Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 6 minutes ago, glows said: I seem to remember someone posting exactly this scenario under a different username. The age gap may be a concern for her and she may decline. Does she know your age? And have you actually met before or are you meaning "met" in the virtual/online sense? See how it goes. It's ok to feel anxious but keep things simple for yourself and cross each bridge as it comes. Don't over think the date. See if she is available or reciprocates interest first or agrees to go out with you. Do you know if she's single? We have talked about many things, but we have never inquired in each other personal details like age or relationship status. Actually, I guess she is 21-22 as she just graduated from college. Similarly, I've hinted that I did many things after college, so she might guess I'm late 20s-early30s (she also knows my full name which could easily lead her to my age if she googles it). We have never met in person.
Ami1uwant Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 This isn’t going to go well…. she looks at you as an old fart. you live 4 hrs away you hired her so she’s going to be nice and friendly it appears you didn’t share any personal stuff over the time you have been talking. 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 Sure ask her out. I’m always for asking folks out sooner rather than later. Worst thing that happens is she says no, and you lose a tutor. And if that happens you can move on mentally. Not much downside. 1
basil67 Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 (edited) The age difference would certainly be a problem - I agree that she'd see you as an old fart. It would be far less of an issue if she was 30 and you were 42, but at present she's not much more than a child. Plus she'd be long distance - and what 20yo wants to tie themselves down to someone they rarely get to see? She's at the age where she should be able to go out on a Saturday night with her friends and meet cute young men who live near her. Edited July 28, 2022 by basil67
Weezy1973 Posted July 29, 2022 Posted July 29, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: The age difference would certainly be a problem - I agree that she'd see you as an old fart. It would be far less of an issue if she was 30 and you were 42, but at present she's not much more than a child. Plus she'd be long distance - and what 20yo wants to tie themselves down to someone they rarely get to see? She's at the age where she should be able to go out on a Saturday night with her friends and meet cute young men who live near her. Most of this should be prefaced with things like “she’s likely” or “it’s probably the case that” or even “when I was that age…” Truth is he doesn’t know, and neither do we, and that’s why people ask other people out on dates. It’s essentially asking “are you interested in me.” While I definitely agree chances aren’t she’s not, the only way to know for sure is to ask. So ask her out. It’s really the only option. OP, you’re very unlikely to just will yourself to lose attraction and interest towards her. If she’s not interested you know you’re incompatible so you can move on. And that’s a good outcome. A bad outcome is not doing anything and just pining for her and living in your fantasies which can keep you stuck for years. Ask her out. 1
basil67 Posted July 29, 2022 Posted July 29, 2022 (edited) @Weezy1973 Yeah, you're right. I think it's unlikely, but nothing is impossible. I guess it's also the momma bear in me speaking - given the age gap, he'd have to get past her parents too. Edited July 29, 2022 by basil67 1
smackie9 Posted July 30, 2022 Posted July 30, 2022 Well lots of young ladies end up liking older men, even married ones. But before venturing on asking her out, make sure she knows how old you are. Withholding that info is a creepy move. 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 30, 2022 Posted July 30, 2022 40 minutes ago, smackie9 said: But before venturing on asking her out, make sure she knows how old you are. Withholding that info is a creepy move. Why? Honest question, what specifically is “creepy” about it?He doesn’t really know her age either. If she asks his age and he lies about it, then yeah that’s not good. She doesn’t know his height either, does he need to disclose that? Is it creepy that he hasn’t told her his height? OP it’s definitely not creepy to not mention your age, especially if it hasn’t come up in normal conversation yet. It will at some point and best be honest about it. You’re just asking her out on a date, not for her hand in marriage. It’s really not a big deal.
basil67 Posted July 30, 2022 Posted July 30, 2022 6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: He doesn’t really know her age either. OP said that she's 20 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 30, 2022 Posted July 30, 2022 40 minutes ago, basil67 said: OP said that she's 20 He said he guessed she was 21 or 22 as she just graduated from university. But it doesn’t really matter right? She could be 20 or 28. He finds her attractive and wants to ask her out. Once he does it’s up to her to decide if she would like to. And if she says yes, they both get to know each other better and see if they’re compatible etc. Dating. Normal stuff.
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