Ghosting

[kleaners]

Why do women feel the need to ghost people? One day you're having a nice conversation, the next you never hear from her again without any indication of something being wrong. For those who have experienced this, do you just let it go, or do you say something to the other person, even if you never get a response? Don't people realize there's a human being with real emotions on the other end? I'm not sitting home crying when it happens, but it's demoralizing. Is it really that hard to be mature and tell the other person you're just not interested?

Branching off from that, I find myself struggling with online dating because I never seem to find someone who engages in conversation, meaning, I'm the one driving the back and forth, asking all the questions with little inqueries about who I am. How do you ghost a person when you haven't taken the time to get to know them?

[glows]

When I used online dating I only paid attention to the matches who asked me out on the same day we matched. I didn't do multiple-day texting hoping he'd ask me out. Others may be different. That's what I liked.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kleaners said:

Why do women feel the need to ghost people? Don't people realize there's a human being with real emotions on the other end? 

If you are not asking them out in a timely fashion after a couple of messages they assume you're not interested and move on.

[kleaners]

What's a reasonable timeframe? One wasn't ready to exchange numbers the other I had her number and the next day she didn't return my text. That one works overnights and only have weekends available to go out.

[Maldives]

18 hours ago, kleaners said:

Why do women feel the need to ghost people? One day you're having a nice conversation, the next you never hear from her again without any indication of something being wrong. For those who have experienced this, do you just let it go, or do you say something to the other person, even if you never get a response? Don't people realize there's a human being with real emotions on the other end? I'm not sitting home crying when it happens, but it's demoralizing. Is it really that hard to be mature and tell the other person you're just not interested?

Branching off from that, I find myself struggling with online dating because I never seem to find someone who engages in conversation, meaning, I'm the one driving the back and forth, asking all the questions with little inqueries about who I am. How do you ghost a person when you haven't taken the time to get to know them?

It's mainly an online thing ghosting. Why because it's easy cause they've never met you they can just bail whenever no confrontation for any number of piss weak reasons. It's  gutless. Online dating man good luck with that I gave up on it ages ago 

[bene]

I wouldn’t even call it ghosting if you haven’t even met yet. At this point you are still strangers and you don’t really know what’s going on in their life or what they’re looking for. They probably don’t see it as ghosting if they just talk to you online for a while.

Why people ghost in general? Probably because they want to avoid conflict, explanations, strong emotions. 

I find it a bit disturbing if men think that a woman is not allowed to have a preference and owes an explanation to every guy she’s not interested in.

Edited July 27, 2022 by bene

[kleaners]

3 hours ago, bene said:

I find it a bit disturbing if men think that a woman is not allowed to have a preference and owes an explanation to every guy she’s not interested in.

What's disturbing about it? You wouldn't want to know why someone you were having a good conversation with one day just up and completely disappears? Yes, I want to know if somebody just isn't getting a vibe. Yes, I would like to know if I said something wrong or inappropriate (not that I think I ever do, but how do I know what triggers people)?

[glows]

1 minute ago, kleaners said:

What's disturbing about it? You wouldn't want to know why someone you were having a good conversation with one day just up and completely disappears? Yes, I want to know if somebody just isn't getting a vibe. Yes, I would like to know if I said something wrong or inappropriate (not that I think I ever do, but how do I know what triggers people)?

You can probably infer or have a good idea if it’s repeatedly happening. Don’t waste time asking for numbers. Ask her out to coffee, a brief meet up in person early on. It’s not unusual if people are tired of texting.

[kleaners]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

You can probably infer or have a good idea if it’s repeatedly happening. Don’t waste time asking for numbers. Ask her out to coffee, a brief meet up in person early on. It’s not unusual if people are tired of texting.

Well, no, I can't really infer if I don't think it's me doing something wrong. Which brings me back to my original question, do I reach out to these people and ask for an explanation? I can understand getting tired of texting, but it's the 21st century. Women can ask a guy out just as easily if they want to take that step. I guess I put too much consideration into the other person's comfort level, which is why I don't leap to meet first thing, but perhaps I need to be more proactive. I too tire of the texting game.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, kleaners said:

You wouldn't want to know why someone you were having a good conversation with one day just up and completely disappears?

I will just share my experience with online dating as one perspective -

I didn’t want to “ghost” men (but I wouldn’t call it ghosting if you are just talking and haven’t met), so I started out messaging to let them know that I had decided that it wasn’t going to work but that I wished them well… I had several men message me back in a very nasty and threatening way - things like “you think you are too good for me” and “just who do you think you are $@&/@.” I understood their frustration (I had the same frustration with online dating). That said, I was not going to tolerate that kind of thing so I learned pretty quickly that this was not the way to go… Actually, this kind of behavior was part of what led me to take down my online profile.

Edited July 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

4 minutes ago, kleaners said:

Well, no, I can't really infer if I don't think it's me doing something wrong. Which brings me back to my original question, do I reach out to these people and ask for an explanation? I can understand getting tired of texting, but it's the 21st century. Women can ask a guy out just as easily if they want to take that step. I guess I put too much consideration into the other person's comfort level, which is why I don't leap to meet first thing, but perhaps I need to be more proactive. I too tire of the texting game.

Yes, be more proactive and gentle, polite. A gentleman’s touch goes a long way. Less is more with texting. A brief and friendly first meet up is what matters. You’ll be able to see whether you’re attracted to the person in person. Don’t leave it to words on screen.

[kleaners]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I will just share my experience with online dating as one perspective -

I didn’t want to “ghost” men (but I wouldn’t call it ghosting if you are just talking and haven’t met), so I started out messaging to let them know that I had decided that it wasn’t going to work but that I wished them well… I had several men message me back in a very nasty and threatening way - things like “you think you are too good for me” and “just who do you think you are $@&/@.” I understood their frustration (I had the same frustration with online dating). That said, I was not going to tolerate that kind of thing so I learned pretty quickly that this was not the way to go… Actually, this kind of behavior was part of what led me to take down my online profile.

I'm sorry those guys reacted poorly and couldn't respect your decision. Unfortunately, not all guys are like that. Certainly I'm not. I would wish the other person well with their search. I might be disappointed if I felt differently about the other person, but I'd be okay with it because at least I was treated with respect.

 

So if "ghosting" isn't the right word, what is?

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, kleaners said:

I'm sorry those guys reacted poorly and couldn't respect your decision. Unfortunately, not all guys are like that. Certainly I'm not. I would wish the other person well with their search. I might be disappointed if I felt differently about the other person, but I'd be okay with it because at least I was treated with respect.

 

So if "ghosting" isn't the right word, what is?

Thank you. It was quite shocking when I received those messages, I thought I was doing the nice thing…

I don’t know - having been on many blind dates and internet meetups, I just never really got attached to anyone until I had met them and we decided to go on that second date. Prior to that, I just usually told myself that they had decided (as I did sometimes) to make a different decision. 

I’ve had both experiences - texting and really excited about someone and then either he, or I, decided not to meet or that we didn’t want to take things further after meeting. 

Such is life, I tried really hard not to take it personally. It’s probably about you or anything you have done - perhaps they are busy with work/life, or maybe they have been talking with someone else that interest them more… 

Personally, I preferred other options where there was more of a commitment and personal connection than internet dating - blind date, speed dating, meetups, etc. It’s just too easy to “discard” people with internet dating - was very impersonal and not particularly productive in my experience. I like to meet someone, get a feel for the person, and hopefully make a connection. 

[smackie9]

It's not just a woman thing...it's a flaky people thing. The explanation I have heard from woman is that they get verbally assaulted from guys when they reject them. if that happens more than once, then I can see why they feel they need to do it. 

 

[Alvi]

OP, I am curious about how you deal with this satiation? Let's say you've sent few messages to a woman, she send few texts back. It is obvious that she is interested in you or at least somewhat curious. But maybe you re-read her profile and found something that something that would make the two of you incompatible. Or based on a conversation, you don't think that the two of you would be a good match. Or something about her that makes you uneasy for whatever reason. How would you handle this? Would you send her a lengthy message, explaining that you don't think that the two of you are a good match, wishing her all the best, blah, blah, blah. Let's say, she is a heavy smoker and you are allergic to a smoke. The incompatibility is obvious in this particular case. But would you actually say to her "I would love dating you only if you stopped smoking." Or do you just stop talking to her? The first method works but it is cruel in some cases. Sometimes it is better to stop the convo by disappearing rather than provide a lengthy explanation, which might hurt another person, especially if you've never met in the person.

56 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's not just a woman thing...it's a flaky people thing. The explanation I have heard from woman is that they get verbally assaulted from guys when they reject them. if that happens more than once, then I can see why they feel they need to do it. 

 

Yes, this is a million times true. Once I told a guy that I don't think that we are a good match after exchanging few messes with him. He called me every single name in the book. And that's not all. He actually went into a trouble by creating additional profiles,  and continued stalking and insulting me. I really think that guy is somehow messed up in his head and boy oh boy did I dodge a bullet there. That went on for about a year till it finally stopped. I would report him, he would create another profile. He actually blamed me for his profiles getting deleted, lol. I think I would have avoided all that had I blocked him. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you never know what kind of can of worms you are going to open when you politely reject someone. 

[dragonwalker]

2 hours ago, kleaners said:

What's disturbing about it? You wouldn't want to know why someone you were having a good conversation with one day just up and completely disappears? Yes, I want to know if somebody just isn't getting a vibe. Yes, I would like to know if I said something wrong or inappropriate (not that I think I ever do, but how do I know what triggers people)?

This thread really reminded me of my recent experiences as well and I agree it's unpleasant and after YEARS of this, it can easily become demoralizing. I will say though that personally if we were just chatting online and I've been ghosted I get it and understand that is just how the system seems to work. However, with that said in the extremely few instances I happen to be the one not interested I will send some message to that effect. Never in any of those cases has there been an issue but I guess if women constantly get anger back than it could push some to "ghost" if there intention is to stop communicating. Personally I would feel much more satisfied with myself knowing for sure I did everything properly to go no further and hear back that someone responded in anger now knowing they are in the wrong and just ignore or block that person paying no attention to what they have to say. 

My take on it though is if someone does respond negatively than they are absolutely justified in ignoring that person but that if they choose to break communication in the middle of conversation by ghosting they are at least doing something that might be considered wrong or at least impolite. However I rationalize this behavior by telling myself perhaps if a woman has no issue doing this to you than it might not be the right fit. Faced with doing work to do the "right" thing or the easier thing by literally doing nothing it's no surprise both men and women choose to be lazy.  

Don't get me started however when this same behavior extends into communication after you have met someone and there is no problem and they turn into a GHOST. It's so frustrating but all I can do is remind myself to never ever do that to someone else    

Edited July 27, 2022 by dragonwalker

[Alvi]

15 minutes ago, dragonwalker said:

Faced with doing work to do the "right" thing or the easier thing by literally doing nothing it's no surprise both men and women choose to be lazy.  

The question to ask would be if doing the "Right" thing is necessary. The right thing can be cruel. In some cases you can cause (unwittingly) some pain and suffering. Not saying that you willingly want to hurt the other person but let's face it, being rejected sucks. No matter how much you can try to sugarcoat the rejection, it is still going to leave that other person feeling deflated. Sometimes, especially if you've never met in person, the kindest thing that you can do is to stop talking to that person. Do you really want to tell a person, whom you've never met before, that you choose to stop talking to them because of whatever? Do they need to know that a complete stranger thinks that something is wrong with them? Probably not as there is a lid for every pot out there. I think after a date or two it is wrong to pull a ghosting act but I don't think you owe each other much before that.

26 minutes ago, dragonwalker said:

Faced with doing work to do the "right" thing or the easier thing by literally doing nothing it's no surprise both men and women choose to be lazy.  

 

29 minutes ago, dragonwalker said:

Personally I would feel much more satisfied with myself knowing for sure I did everything properly to go no further and hear back that someone responded in anger now knowing they are in the wrong and just ignore or block that person paying no attention to what they have to say. 

There is really no right or wrong answer here. If you choose to write a message to a person telling them that they are not a good match, make sure that this is not just about you feeling better about yourself. Because in most cases, no answer is the answer. And a lengthy explanation about why you want to stop communicating is not required. 

[mark clemson]

On 7/26/2022 at 8:25 AM, kleaners said:

Why do women people feel the need to ghost people?

Some of them are just flaky as stated. Some of them may be passive-aggressive if there's something they don't like about you. Some of them may have black-white thinking, tendencies towards personality disorders, or even full-blown personality disorders (in some cases). Some of them may be deliberately being cruel.

On the flip side, some of them may have encountered the (not overly common, but certainly out there and memorable) type of person who lashes out during a breakup. You know, the slash tires, show up at your door drunk and screaming, cyberstalking, or send nasty texts from unknown numbers type. A couple unlucky encounters with one of these types might leave some folks feeling that simply ending communication is (understandably) better than the potential risk of triggering the other person's "issues"/abuse.

Beyond that, some may simply feel it's not worth the time and energy having a drawn-out conversation about "why" that might end in further resentment and leads nowhere.

At any rate, whatever the cause it probably has a LOT more to do with them than with you. Keep that in mind. IF this was all only online communication, I think it's wise to remember that anything can happen, particularly if there haven't been any real dates. That is why many folks choose to multi-date in the early stages, until something starts to solidify. There is little point to starting to become emotionally attached/invested to online "vapor".

BTW, I will add that making generalizations about women is normally NOT a good look for a guy, particularly in the early stages of dating. Unless you are some uber-Chad who can get away with anything, I would keep any thoughts like that (particularly negative generalizations) to yourself. We all make generalizations about the opposite sex, but it never sounds good/reflects well on one to spout them out. (Either gender.) And in truth, while there are plenty of quite real tendencies/commonalities, ultimately all women and men are unique individuals.

Edited July 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[Acacia98]

On 7/26/2022 at 6:25 PM, kleaners said:

Why do women feel the need to ghost people? One day you're having a nice conversation, the next you never hear from her again without any indication of something being wrong. For those who have experienced this, do you just let it go, or do you say something to the other person, even if you never get a response? Don't people realize there's a human being with real emotions on the other end? I'm not sitting home crying when it happens, but it's demoralizing. Is it really that hard to be mature and tell the other person you're just not interested?

Branching off from that, I find myself struggling with online dating because I never seem to find someone who engages in conversation, meaning, I'm the one driving the back and forth, asking all the questions with little inqueries about who I am. How do you ghost a person when you haven't taken the time to get to know them?

Honestly, it's not just women who do it. I've had men do it to me too. You have my sympathy. It can certainly be demoralizing. But I learned to think of it as being indicative of someone's personality type. In other words, if someone ghosts you despite being perfectly capable of sending you a message and you're the sort of person who prefers straightforward communication, cross them off your list and move on. Even if they resurface down the road, you can just ignore them.

If you find yourself doing the bulk of the conversing and the other person isn't asking questions about you, cross that person of your list too. 

It sounds like you may be spending too much time on people who are flaky or disinterested or lacking in basic social skills. Maybe if you stop doing that, you will be more likely to meet people who are interested and engaged.

[dragonwalker]

12 minutes ago, Alvi said:

The question to ask would be if doing the "Right" thing is necessary. The right thing can be cruel. In some cases you can cause (unwittingly) some pain and suffering. Not saying that you willingly want to hurt the other person but let's face it, being rejected sucks. No matter how much you can try to sugarcoat the rejection, it is still going to leave that other person feeling deflated. Sometimes, especially if you've never met in person, the kindest thing that you can do is to stop talking to that person. Do you really want to tell a person, whom you've never met before, that you choose to stop talking to them because of whatever? Do they need to know that a complete stranger thinks that something is wrong with them? Probably not as there is a lid for every pot out there. I think after a date or two it is wrong to pull a ghosting act but I don't think you owe each other much before that.

 

There is really no right or wrong answer here. If you choose to write a message to a person telling them that they are not a good match, make sure that this is not just about you feeling better about yourself. Because in most cases, no answer is the answer. And a lengthy explanation about why you want to stop communicating is not required. 

I respectfully disagree. If one believes that communicating some conclusion to a conversation being started is the right thing to do than by this logic this person is doing the wrong thing by not communicating and ghosting. Ultimately, ghosting still leads to the conclusion one has been rejected so the case to say ghosting avoids rejecting someone does not follow. What happens to the ghosted in addition to the rejection is the ambiguity of what happened before the conclusion is met like: is this person ok? is this person busy? is this person being serious? 

Ghosting causes far more anguish to the person being ghosted and I imagine in some ways might not even stop the communication from that person as some will continue to seek an answer because the last piece of information they have is that there was nothing wrong in the communication. The disconnect between our social norms in person and online means in some ways it's logical for someone not to believe they have been rejected when they have been ghosted because all evidence up to that point leads to both sides wanting to continue the communication. 

What is definitely true about online is that it is easier for the person rejecting to do so by ghosting. I'd venture to say that ghosting has become a new form of rejection and that the people doing so can rationalize the behavior as less painful in order to validate their own actions.

[Calmandfocused]

I have never ghosted anyone like the  situation you describe however I can tell you why people chose that option: 

Because most people don’t like having awkward conversations. And some are afraid of hurting/ rejecting people. Others don’t know what to say, or know how to reject someone kindly. 
 

So it’s easier to avoid than is it to address for a lot of people. That’s why they choose the ghosting option. 
 

However, I have ghosted in the following 2 situations: 

1) leaving an abusive relationship. In my view this is the best and safest way to leave a relationship that’s abusive. 
 

2) When a date simply will not accept that I’m not interested in them.

 

[ItsTheDay]

On 7/27/2022 at 1:25 AM, kleaners said:

Why do women feel the need to ghost people? One day you're having a nice conversation, the next you never hear from her again without any indication of something being wrong. For those who have experienced this, do you just let it go, or do you say something to the other person, even if you never get a response? Don't people realize there's a human being with real emotions on the other end? I'm not sitting home crying when it happens, but it's demoralizing. Is it really that hard to be mature and tell the other person you're just not interested?

Branching off from that, I find myself struggling with online dating because I never seem to find someone who engages in conversation, meaning, I'm the one driving the back and forth, asking all the questions with little inqueries about who I am. How do you ghost a person when you haven't taken the time to get to know them?

Are you Gen X, Y or Z? There's a guy on YouTube that I've been watching a lot, [ ]  I'm Gen Y and a lot of his videos make sense and the reason why I recently got off dating apps. It's a numbers game. Woman today are dating up now. Meaning woman who are 4's and 5's out of 10 are now looking for 7's and 8's out of 10, which means in return males are likely forced to date down. You didn't do or haven't done anything wrong, it's just some other male who has a "higher number" than you came along. It sucks, but that's how it is today and it's our (males) fault. 

I've been ghosted and I'm also guilty of it, too. My reasons weren't because a high number came along, it's mainly because of something they said and/or hid from their profile. I was actually texting and talking with one girl for a couple months. We had two dates planned but she backed out of both, with reasonable reasons. We planned a 3rd date and two days before our date she texted me that she apologizes but her and her ex are going to try and get back together.

Most females on these dating apps are just looking for an ego boost, or add to the ego they already have. Which again, is our fault. Just look at any popular female "influencer" that is sub average to below average, and look how many comments, likes and other social media false hope she gets from males. Haven't you also noticed all the ones who put their IG names in their profiles? On Tinder, it's just about every other profile from an average to above average female. Not as bad on Bumble but it's still more times than none. Hinge seems to be about 50/50. It's mainly for boosting egos and validation. 

The one ghost that I took the hardest was a few months ago. Met on Bumble, went right into some good conversation as soon as we matched. Sounded like we were both on the same page. She asked me a few times if I was really single because she wanted to make sure. I've been single for a year then, she's been single for 5 years. The day after we matched, she asked me to come out and meet her. So I did and it went really good. When I got home, she texted me on Bumble that she had a great time and she wants to do it again and possibly tomorrow. I said sure. We never exchanged numbers but she said she doesn't do it right away but the next morning I went on Bumble and she deleted her profile. Still can't wrap my head around that one but I learned to just let it go. 

[ ] 

Edited July 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kleaners said:

 do I reach out to these people and ask for an explanation? I too tire of the texting game.

 Don't bother. It's a waste of your time. If they respond, it will be a lame excuse anyway. It's best to eliminate timewasters early on to prevent burnout. That includes those who won't meet or want textbuddies, etc.

[Philosopher]

47 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I have never ghosted anyone like the  situation you describe however I can tell you why people chose that option: 

Because most people don’t like having awkward conversations. And some are afraid of hurting/ rejecting people. Others don’t know what to say, or know how to reject someone kindly. 
 

So it’s easier to avoid than is it to address for a lot of people. That’s why they choose the ghosting option. 

From my experience, when I have ended dating someone either through online messages or a phone call, it has been quite common for them to respond very negatively and to end up being the receiving end of quite a bit of criticism on how you were insensitive, led them on or completely misunderstood them. For example I ended it with a women I was recently dating after she kept on putting off future dates. She subsequently told me I had completely misunderstood her for the apparent lack of interest and told me off for kissing her too soon. Not all people react in this way, but some do. 

 So I can understand why some people may choose to ghost others. That does not make it right though, unless you are fearful of your safety in some way.

[Alpacalia]

Ghosting has never happened to me. In the past, I have semi-ghosted someone I was dating because I felt he was being dishonest about his intentions and I felt it was no longer worth my mental effort. Then again, I realized that my handling of the situation was poor, so I tried to make it a point to end things diplomatically from that point forward (even if just after one date).

It seems that this is something that is a lot more common with online dating, and as much as it may suck, in the swiping world, there may be scant care for what other people think about others' feelings. 

It's about instant gratification.

If that's the case, they did you a favor. Having them lead you on and waste your time would be even worse.

While it would be nice to have them acknowledge that they do not wish to continue communicating, they want to avoid having the hard conversation with a stranger they have only recently spoken to a few brief times.

Edited July 27, 2022 by Alpacalia