is my crush messing with my head?

[nninnaa]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What sort of things is he actually saying to you? 

 

He says very romantic things to me...compliments my appearance....he remembers random things I have said....he's been laying it on thick, ya know? And other people have noticed our chemistry, to the point they have asked me "is there something going on between you two?"

so, what grown ass man spends this much time expressing interest in a woman "just for the hell of it" or because he think he can tease me and have fun around the office....that's psychotic

[nninnaa]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

he sleeps around A LOT...which sounds to me he's used to being chased/approached. You want him, you make a move. 

yeah, that's for certain...it's like he never has had to persue or something...he is also very nervous around me, as I am around him, and that gets us nowhere...

I know if I make a move we will "hit the sheets" but i'm too stubborn to be the one to do that, and also i know i cannot just go to bed with him, i have feelings for him...and i think he has feelings for me too.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, nninnaa said:

He says very romantic things to me...compliments my appearance....he remembers random things I have said....he's been laying it on thick, ya know? And other people have noticed our chemistry, to the point they have asked me "is there something going on between you two?"

so, what grown ass man spends this much time expressing interest in a woman "just for the hell of it" or because he think he can tease me and have fun around the office....that's psychotic

I'm not seeing where compliments on your appearance and remembering things you've said is laying it on thick.  I've had that done in offices by men regularly and never thought they wanted me.  Has he done more?

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, nninnaa said:

He says very romantic things to me...compliments my appearance....he remembers random things I have said....he's been laying it on thick, ya know? And other people have noticed our chemistry, to the point they have asked me "is there something going on between you two?"

so, what grown ass man spends this much time expressing interest in a woman "just for the hell of it" or because he think he can tease me and have fun around the office....that's psychotic

I understand your frustration, but he's hardly 'psychotic'.  Psychosis is a psychiatric condition requiring urgent medical care.

Given that others have been noticing his behaviour, it's certainly inappropriate in an office setting.  And unless you've told him otherwise, he probably thinks that you're enjoying the mutual chemistry even though it's going nowhere. Flirting and chemistry don't necessarily need to have a destination, they can be enjoyed without anything ever coming of it.   Unless it's more frustrating than enjoying, an in this case, you need to shut it down.....or just try and avoid him.

[nninnaa]

I cant give every little detail....he is very, very, romantic with me. others have noticed, and asked. i don't know how else to tell you guys......touching, playing with my hair, making suggestive comments.....short of us ripping each others clothes off and consummating in the office, yes, he lays it on thick.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, nninnaa said:

I cant give every little detail....he is very, very, romantic with me. others have noticed, and asked. i don't know how else to tell you guys......touching, playing with my hair, making suggestive comments.....short of us ripping each others clothes off and consummating in the office, yes, he lays it on thick.

All of this but never has asked you out on a date even though both of you are free to date each other?  Me thinks he's just playing with you.

[basil67]

Yeah, it would be wise to shut that down.  Change your response.  If you stop feeding into it, he'll get bored and move on to someone else.

[nninnaa]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I understand your frustration, but he's hardly 'psychotic'.  Psychosis is a psychiatric condition requiring urgent medical care.

Given that others have been noticing his behaviour, it's certainly inappropriate in an office setting.  And unless you've told him otherwise, he probably thinks that you're enjoying the mutual chemistry even though it's going nowhere. Flirting and chemistry don't necessarily need to have a destination, they can be enjoyed without anything ever coming of it.   Unless it's more frustrating than enjoying, an in this case, you need to shut it down.....or just try and avoid him.

absolutely....its becoming more frustrating than enjoying, so i'm going to try to avoid him. thankyou

[basil67]

Good choice.  Hopefully he'll get the hint and go away without saying anything.  But do have something prepared in case he does mention your change.  I suggest something really neutral which doesn't give away your feelings.  Like "I've had enough"

[nninnaa]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Good choice.  Hopefully he'll get the hint and go away without saying anything.  But do have something prepared in case he does mention your change.  I suggest something really neutral which doesn't give away your feelings.  Like "I've had enough"

I have tried to ignore him in the past also, when it got too much, and when i do that he gets even more interested in me and it pulls me back in...and i always think, OKAY, this time he's going to step up and do someting about it, but he doesn't....at least not in a direct way.....like inviting me out to things where its not just me and him alone, doesn't count.

But anyway, i think that's a good thing to say...i was thinking something like "im done with you" but that might be giving away too much....or not, i really don't care anymore. that's a good thing! getting to the point where i don't care anymore....that's nice

[basil67]

If you shut this down and he tries to reel you back in, his behaviour would be arguably sexual harassment.  I'm far from an expert in this area, but if he does start it up again, do you have a HR person you could speak to about what is acceptable/reportable and what isn't?   

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, nninnaa said:

I cant give every little detail....he is very, very, romantic with me. others have noticed, and asked. i don't know how else to tell you guys......touching, playing with my hair, making suggestive comments.....short of us ripping each others clothes off and consummating in the office, yes, he lays it on thick.

Oh, geez, this is too much. You better put a stop to this before it gets completely out of hand. Other people are noticing this behavior already, so this is not good. You better act professional and think twice before it comes back to bite you. 

I don't know what he is thinking. I don't think that he has any concrete plan regarding you at all. Maybe flirting with you is his way to de-stress from work. Sometimes people  flirt outrageously at work, but in most cases it means nothing. He probably just likes to flirt but he would have asked you out long ago if he was interested. 

Do you really want to have a fling with someone that you work with? What if it doesn't work out, then what? Do you want to stare at his face all day long after the the relationship is over? 

Don't answer his flirts or ignore anything not work related coming from him. Hopefully he is going to get it. If not, tell him straight forward that you are not interested in that kind of behavior any longer. I guess, reporting him to the HR would the appropriate as a very last resort. 

Why don't you put a good profile on a reputable dating site instead?

4 hours ago, nninnaa said:

But anyway, i think that's a good thing to say...i was thinking something like "im done with you" but that might be giving away too much....or not, i really don't care anymore. that's a good thing! getting to the point where i don't care anymore....that's nice

Yes, continue with this train of thoughts. Honestly, this guy is renting way too much space in your head. I think once you start dating in a real life, this guy is going to become a bleep on your radar.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, nninnaa said:

so, what grown ass man spends this much time expressing interest in a woman "just for the hell of it" or because he think he can tease me and have fun around the office....that's psychotic

That's not pyschotic. It's him being a player. 

Don't go overboard with "I'm done with you." That sounds emotional and like you are dating him or something. Simply tell him that to stop with all the behaviour that is getting the office gossip mill churning. And then shut it down every time he does it. 

Stay professional. 

[Alpacalia]

This is uncomfortable and actually harassing. 

He flirts because he appreciates the attention. It makes him feel wanted and he enjoys being desired. He gains self-esteem and affirmation that he is wanted.

His feelings about himself have nothing to do with you and are spilling into his professional career. Let's hope he doesn't get fired.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, nninnaa said:

.touching, playing with my hair, making suggestive comments.....short of us ripping each others clothes off and consummating in the office, yes, he lays it on thick.

Unfortunately that is quite creepy. Avoid him as much as you can and stop letting him touch you.

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, nninnaa said:

I cant give every little detail....he is very, very, romantic with me. others have noticed, and asked. i don't know how else to tell you guys......touching, playing with my hair, making suggestive comments.....short of us ripping each others clothes off and consummating in the office, yes, he lays it on thick.

In the workplace? And you find this flattering because…

I would find this very inappropriate and it would make me want to avoid this guy at all cost.

 

Edited July 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, nninnaa said:

But anyway, i think that's a good thing to say...i was thinking something like "im done with you" but that might be giving away too much....

How can you be “done” with someone that you have never dated - nothing is “started” here. As was said above, this guy is taking up way too much space in your mind and you have attached more meaning to this than it deserves. Honestly, just keep it professional and get on with your work…

[BrinnM]

57 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How can you be “done” with someone that you have never dated - nothing is “started” here. As was said above, this guy is taking up way too much space in your mind and you have attached more meaning to this than it deserves. Honestly, just keep it professional and get on with your work…

This. You interpret too much into his behavior. He is just flirtatious. Period. I don’t see anything more developing here. If you make a big deal out of this by saying we are “done”, you run the risk of making a fool out of yourself. Seriously. Just let it be and move on. At this point I’m not even sure he’d go for an ONS. 
Don’t give him any more of your attention. 

[nninnaa]

Ok, so much to say,....

I was very cool with him last week. I was still pleasant, but didn't engage in anything more than hello's and how are you's. It was difficult to put an end to this because I have carried a torch for this man for a long time. I finally had to put my feelings first, and kept saying in my head "he can go f himself". I felt like I hated him. (but not really bc I really like him)

Last Friday, I had a crazy day and our paths didn't cross. I didn't leave my department at all. I felt like okay, if i don't see him, it is actually easier to get over him. I went home and cried, mourning the end of this love affair in my head.

Later that evening, I got a text from him. "hey, I didn't see you at all today everything good?" I replied with yeah, just had a busy day.

He sent a smile emoji. I did not reply.

Sunday afternoon, he texts "I'm making my famous _____ dish for dinner tonight, come over if you're free" with a photo attached of certain dish we had been talking about weeks ago that we both like.

i was thinking to myself... is this your pathetic version of asking me out on a date ? You can't even do THAT right?? Can you just grow a pair already and stop being so vague about everything?? I told my best friend i didn't know what to do, I was too caught off guard to actually go over there, I wasn't prepared mentally for that....of course my friend said just go and have fun, but I couldn't.

I said thanks for the invite, I already have plans for today though with a sad face.

He didn't respond.

This week I had a feeling he was going to ignore me or act indifferent, so I felt like I had to break the ice by saying something about the weekend to avoid awkardness....so I said how'd you dish turn out, he said "great, but it would have been better if you were there"

I giggled, and walked away because I was too nervous to think of what to say to that. (I'm not quick witted)

Yes, I act like a schoolgirl around him at times, yes I really like him, and it is not creepy to me when we flirt because I like him. I agree it would be weird if it was unwelcomed, which has happened with another guy that I had zero interest in.

So, that's where we are at now. It seems he is working up the courage to get us together alone, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm still trying to avoiding his area as much as possible, and trying to not think about him, which is so hard to do. I have to add, I hate my job and am beyond over working at this place, it's been getting more stressful lately. Crush was something I had to look forward to to help me get through the day. 

 

 

 

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, nninnaa said:

i was thinking to myself... is this your pathetic version of asking me out on a date ? You can't even do THAT right?

It's not like he was asking you out on a date. You do know that asking someone to come to his place for a dinner means? He cooks dinner, you come to his place, you know what happens next, right? Don't think that he is interested in dating you. Sounds more like he was looking for a hook up or something along that line. 

Also, he sounds very lazy and unimaginative. He expected YOU to to come to his place, while he does absolutely nothing. He put almost zero effort into this and expected for you to sex him up. Oh wait, he texted you a picture of his dinner that he cooked for himself. Yeah, that is all the effort that he made.

It's it totally up to you. I mean, how far you want to take it with this guy that is. If you are not interested in anything serious, he might be it. But if you are looking for an actual relationship, you better keep looking. Things could get very messy at work if whatever happens between the two of you doesn't work out. This is something that you have to keep in mind. But rather than play silly cat and mouse chase games why don't you create a good profile on a reputable dating site and start dating other guys. He can't be the only guy available in your town.

1 hour ago, nninnaa said:

Can you just grow a pair already and stop being so vague about everything??

He is not being vague. He is actually very straightforward about wanting you to come to his place for a hook up. 

1 hour ago, nninnaa said:

He didn't respond.

Honestly, what did you expect? More often than not that is exactly what happens when a woman turns down a sex offer from a guy. If he was interested in more than just sex, he could've asked you when you are free to meet for a coffee/dinner/some activity. An actual date. But he is not interested in courting you, is he?

1 hour ago, nninnaa said:

 I told my best friend i didn't know what to do, I was too caught off guard to actually go over there, I wasn't prepared mentally for that....of course my friend said just go and have fun, but I couldn't.

Again, it depends on what you are looking for. Might be fun as long as it lasts as long as you keep your expectations in check. Just understand that this is not going to end up a long term forever thing. It might be a nice fling or no strings attached type of relationship. Treat it very carefully if you want to get involved with this guy. People at your work are already noticing your interactions with this guy. which is not that great. And according to you, women are throwing themselves at him at your workplace. So this has a potential to totally blow up in your face and screw up your future career. But seriously, is he all that and a bad of chips?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, nninnaa said:

It seems he is working up the courage to get us together alone,

No, he isn't. He already tried when he invited you for dinner, and you shut him down. He doesn't need courage. He asked and you declined. So, don't be surprised if he starts to move along now. 

But look, if he wanted to ask you on a real date, he would have. However, he invited you to his house. You know what that means. I think you need to let go of the idea that this is more to him than flirting and an attempt at getting you in bed. If you are waiting to date him, I'm afraid you are going to be disppointed. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Applejuice87]

On 7/24/2022 at 10:45 PM, nninnaa said:

It is so frustrating to see someone daily, know that we both want each other, but he won't do anything about it. I know nobody has the answer to this, and the whole thing sounds ridiculous....but i just needed to get this out. I feel like a total loser. He acts interested, (other colleagues have noticed) but doesn't do anything. Should I just start ignoring him? Its starting to hurt my feelings and I don't want to play into his flirtations anymore....

thanks for listening.

This story is so interesting because the exact same thing is happening to me! I see her everyday and I don't feel like flirting anymore even when she does it with me. I also want to ignore. However, unlike your situation, I already made the first move and it only led to a group date rather than solo. 

[basil67]

On 8/3/2022 at 9:07 AM, nninnaa said:

It seems he is working up the courage to get us together alone, but I'm not holding my breath.

Did you not realise that him asking you to come to his for dinner and a hookup was about being alone together?

 

[Alvi]

On 8/3/2022 at 12:05 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

No, he isn't. He already tried when he invited you for dinner, and you shut him down. He doesn't need courage. He asked and you declined. So, don't be surprised if he starts to move along now. 

No, it's not like he invited her out. He invited her to come to his house for a hook up. Dinner is just an excuse to invite her to his place. My ex invited me to his place to view his painting. Don't need to explain what happened next. Dinner, paintings, whatever, same thing. But yeah, since she declined, he is probably going to move along to another woman in his office since he is so popular there.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

No, it's not like he invited her out. He invited her to come to his house for a hook up. Dinner is just an excuse to invite her to his place.

Which is exactly what I said here: 

On 8/3/2022 at 8:05 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

if he wanted to ask you on a real date, he would have. However, he invited you to his house. You know what that means. I think you need to let go of the idea that this is more to him than flirting and an attempt at getting you in bed. If you are waiting to date him, I'm afraid you are going to be disppointed. 

He did try to get her alone. Just not for anything more than hooking up. She declined that. So, she's wise not to sit around hoping that he's trying to pluck up the courage to as her on a date. That's obvioulsy not what he's after.