Splitting common expenses

[Curlygurl]

So my finance and I moved in together and we are fighting over money particularly splitting expenses.

He thinks just the rent should be split based on income and I disagree. I believe all common expenses should be split portionately based on our income. He makes significantly more than I do. This is forming resentment against him. I feel I'm being taken advantage of.

Am I being unreasonable here?

[glows]

Maybe he feels the difference in splitting rent according to income is enough to offset other monthly household expenses. This may be the case if you're paying significantly less in rent or what the rent is. 

Have you worked out numbers? You may be getting upset in theory (understandable) but both could be looking at the numbers as that could lessen your anxiety overall or feeling of being taken advantage of. What are common expenses?  Plenty of couples pay for their own groceries for example despite living together unless one person manages all the household expenses and the other is rarely at home. 

Do you usually feel this way around him? It's a strong way to feel about someone you've only just moved in with because it suggests feeling distrustful of your partner. Ie. both of you not giving each other the benefit of the doubt to start.

I am not invalidating anything that you're saying but take a look at the big picture, what exactly those monthly expenses are and whether this is a hill you'd both rather die on. My heart also hurts for the both of you if you're worried one or the other is taking advantage of the other. That is no way to start a new life together.

Edited July 24, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Curlygurl said:

So my finance and I moved in together and we are fighting over money particularly splitting expenses.

I believe all common expenses should be split portionately based on our income. He makes significantly more than I do.

How long have you been dating? Can you move out? Whose place is it? Are you both on the lease?

[Els]

1 hour ago, Curlygurl said:

So my finance and I moved in together

Presumably this is a typo?

Both options are frankly quite reasonable IMO, the problem is that you're both digging your heels in and are thinking it's your way or the highway... which is far more concerning than paying $20 more for the monthly internet bill. Do you both get along otherwise?

Also... umm, is there a reason why this is in the OM/OW subforum?

Edited July 24, 2022 by Elswyth

[basil67]

If you're having trouble making ends meet, then this needs to be addressed now.  

But if you're not having trouble, then I'd focus on how finances will be managed once you're married.  If the plan is to throw all your assets in together, then the problem will solve itself.  However, if the plan after marriage is to keep finances separate and you're not comfortable with this, it needs to be sorted out before you say your vows.  Thing is, finances can ruin a marriage and it's better to find issues that can't be resolved before it's too late

[salparadise]

I'm not seeing the full picture. More detail needed. So you're splitting rent proportionate to income, but dividing everything else 50/50 or do you cover some bills and he covers others? Are there some things that each of you buy independently? What expenses specifically do you feel should be proportionate?

This is tricky stuff because there is no right/wrong, only what the two of you agree to. You are feeling taken advantage of because he's not paying the lion's share of everything, but he might feel the same way if he were subsidizing things that you would otherwise (if you weren't living together) have to pay on your own. Like your groceries for example, or electricity. 

It also matters how much income disparity there is. If he makes say 5X what you do, then it's going to shake out differently than if he's making 25-30 percent more. There's also gender-based expectations that needs to be addressed. Interested to how what he expects vs. what you expect, and how wide the gap is.

[justwhoiam]

Oh my, that's something you should have agreed before getting a place together!!! Do you even talk to one another?

Personally, after I got married, we had a joint bank account and money was going out from both of us. That said, if he makes enough but insists on you paying, he's not a gentleman. I would have doubted his qualities as a family man.

[introverted1]

I think he's being reasonable. There's a case to be made for splitting rent according to income, because you would presumably be living somewhere less expensive if you weren't with him.  But expenses like food, electricity, internet, etc., tend to be the same regardless how much you pay in rent, so splitting them equally makes sense.

I do agree that the larger issues are that you didn't talk about this before moving in and that you may have different ideas about spending and budgeting overall.