CARING - HOW do YOU MAINTAIN LDR?

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

Hi all

Firstly, thank you for any and all advice received on this thread

 

My boyfriend and I have been together since January 2020. We are both in our 40s. We'd known each other for years before we got together. 

Quite a few ups and downs later, and we are stronger than ever. We are currently in an excruciating, heart-breaking situation preventing us from bridging the distance between us (too long to explain - neither his choice nor mine, if that makes a difference). We have vowed to remain faithful to each other come what may, and nothing will keep us apart. Nobody will keep us apart. Neither of us are huge fans of LDRs but we are where we are, and we are determined to make it work against all odds until we close the distance. We care deeply for one another, and we share an out-of-this-world bond that will never be broken. 

FWIW, we are constantly connected and we are in daily contact (24/7, almost).

To my question: how can we keep it 'fresh'?

Thanks.
 

Edited July 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[glows]

Leave room to connect with other people in your lives too - friends, family, make new friends. Stay in touch with your hobbies and other interests. 

Don't get too caught up in the heartbreaking-ness of it. Let it pass and resume your daily life outside of the relationship. Sometimes less is more when weathering a storm. Stay true to yourselves and get other things you need to do done. Do not put your lives on hold for a relationship.

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

Just now, glows said:

Leave room to connect with other people in your lives too - friends, family, make new friends. Stay in touch with your hobbies and other interests. 

Don't get too caught up in the heartbreaking-ness of it. Let it pass and resume your daily life outside of the relationship. Sometimes less is more when weathering a storm. Stay true to yourselves and get other things you need to do done. Do not put your lives on hold for a relationship.

Thanks for the quick feedback!

The friends, family and new friends box is already ticked :). I guess I could be making more of an effort with new hobbies, though money is tight. As they say, the best things in life are free :). I have 2 boys from a previous marriage (16 and 12) and I'm looking forward to spending quality time with all my family back home next week. I can't say I'm 'putting my life on hold' for a relationship and I have said to him many times 'a guy will never be my downfall' so all things considered, I am keeping my feet firmly on the ground! On his end, he is own, independent guy and is very busy with work.

There is no going back on the promise made - I'm 'set up' that way . We both are, (un)fortunately :).

Agree on the bolded - I think I had more 'fun', 'playful' things in mind, though. Thank you all the same, @glows.

 

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

Forgot to add: we were 'on a break' for 5 months while he was seeing others (he wanted to sow his 'wild oats' before settling for me), then we broke up for 3 months so this LDR may in fact, be headed the same way as most LDRs.

Thanks @glows - I needed to hear this outside of my head for a while now. My flowery language and naivety get the better of me sometimes. 

[glows]

18 minutes ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

Forgot to add: we were 'on a break' for 5 months while he was seeing others (he wanted to sow his 'wild oats' before settling for me), then we broke up for 3 months

This is a concern. Have you met in person? You mentioned knowing each other for years. Was that in mutual circles in a local town or growing up together? 

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

This is a concern. Have you met in person? You mentioned knowing each other for years. Was that in mutual circles in a local town or growing up together? 

Yes, we HAVE met in person! I don't really do strangers off of the Internet ;). He was a professional contact for work.

 I don't currently see the end of this situation and it is killing me. I am exclusive and committed , and have huge trouble accepting the break and subsequent break-up. I know he had to see the 'lay of the land' and date a few women before reconnecting, and now I'm stuck. Morally, this doesn't sit right with me - completely against my values. The 'break' was imposed on me by him (totally one sided) and I had no clue he wanted to date until after the fact. I think I may have been too gullible and / or too kind for my own good on this one occasion. OR MAYBE, irony of all, I've been PUA'd.

I don't want to be a doormat, I have too much respect for myself for this and the secrecy around those few months apart is not doing us any good. He says that nothing can divide us but that's easy to say now that he's 'figured it out'. I'm sorry for the OP - in hindsight, I should have been more careful. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by HiddenPrettyEmily
Missing word

[glows]

4 minutes ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

Yes, we HAVE met in person! I don't really do strangers off of the Internet ;). He was a professional contact for work.

 I don't currently see the end of this situation and it is killing me. I am exclusive and committed , and have huge trouble accepting the break and subsequent break-up. I know he had to see the 'lay of the land' and date a few women before reconnecting, and now I'm stuck. Morally, this doesn't sit right with me - completely against my values. The 'break' was imposed on me by him (totally one sided) and I had no clue he wanted to date until after the fact. I think I may have been too gullible and / or too kind for my own good on this one occasion. OR MAYBE, irony of all, I've been PUA'd.

I don't want to be a doormat, I have too much respect for myself for this and the secrecy around those few months apart is not doing us any good. He says that nothing can divide us but that's easy to say now that he's 'figured it out'. I'm sorry for the OP - in hindsight, I should have been more careful. 

I can understand why you're hesitant. I'm not opposed to LDRs and my first relationship was an LDR for several years. It wasn't easy but we made it work until we grew apart. What concerns me about your situation is that you seem to have questions about the time spent apart and seem to say that you feel taken advantage of when you say you were naive to go along with what his suggestions were. It all points to not enough trust and that you feel uneasy around this man.

Some breaks do work and others don't, depending on the couple and the reasons. 

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Some breaks do work and others don't, depending on the couple and the reasons. 

Thank you. Well yeah, the trust and 'specialness' of the relationship has gone. I didn't understand the 'break' at all and did not see 'third parties' as part of him 'working his stuff out'. I find it hugely disrespectful. I had health issues I had to address and it didn't enter my mind to invite another man into my world. I guess I didn't read the situation right at all.

[basil67]

I think you're right to be wary.   What are the plans for the two of you to be together?  

With regards to him wanting to see others: when a partner makes a unilateral decision which will affect the relationship, you ALWAYS have the right to say No.   Yes, it could mean that you have to end the relationship, but if they are prepared to risk it in this manner to start with, then they clearly aren't seeing the relationship as anything precious.  Even now that this period is over, it's still OK for you to say "I really tried to be OK with this, but I can't get past feeling disrespected and so I can't continue with the relationship"

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

We have vowed to remain faithful to each other come what may, and N.O.T.H.I.N.G will keep us apart. N.O.BO.D.Y will keep us apart. Neither of us are huge fans of LDRs but we are where we are, and we are DETERMINED to make it work against all odds until we close the distance. Wecare deeply for one another, and we share an out-of-this-world bond that will never be broken. 

This ^^^

Really doesn’t jive with this…

4 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

Forgot to add: we were 'on a break' for 5 months while he was seeing others (he wanted to sow his 'wild oats' before settling for me), then we broke up for 3 months. I am have huge trouble accepting the break and subsequent break-up. I know he had to see the 'lay of the land' and date a few women before reconnecting, and now I'm stuck. Morally, this doesn't sit right with me - completely against my values. The 'break' was imposed on me by him (totally one sided)

I’m sorry, but your first statement seems to me like the statement of a woman who is having doubts and trying desperately to convince herself - by seeking the validation of others - that it will work out. I can’t say that, because I don’t believe that a man who is truly committed to a woman would want to take a break to sow some oats…

You are serious and committed, but you are only one part of this relationship. You can be as committed as you like, if he wants to sow some oats… he is going to sow some oats…

I will ask with all sincerity and kindness, how exactly are you “stuck?”

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

Well yeah, the trust and 'specialness' of the relationship has gone.

I can appreciate this. If my partner decides unilaterally to end the relationship and date/have sex with other women - the trust and the ‘specialness’ of the relationship would absolutely be lost for me too! 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't agree that your out-of-this-world bond can never be broken.  He broke it, didn't he?  And now you are not secure in the relationship; nor should you be, IMO.  He broke your trust and you have absolutely no solid foundation built at this time.

How often do you get together?

As far as keeping an LDR or any relationship "fresh," I would advise against contact that verges on 24/7.  That is not sustainable and might be stifling.  The best thing to do is to live your life to your very best ability,  encourage him to do the same, and share all the ups and downs, interesting moments, etc. with each other when you are together.  

 

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

Thank you all for your replies and perspectives, it really helped. 

I have some thinking to do.

 

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

I should mention that the 'break' happened in 2017. We briefly connected in August 2016 but decided against starting anything in earnest at that point as neither of us were ready, so we kind of left it to fate to bring us back together when the timing was right.

I don't really know what went on in his life between January 2017 and November 2019 in terms of third parties, if I'm honest - not too sure about 'sowing wild oats' now, in hindsight, actually. More about dealing with old demons. 

We sporadically kept in touch via email  in that time so the bond between us was never broken, and we did make an attempt at starting something in July 2018 but it was not meant to be...He did mention a handful of intense short-term relationships with varying degrees of success, as well as one very abusive, dysfunctional 'LTR' that caused him untold damage - mentally, mindfully, emotionally and physically. His friends know him as a perpetually single kind, gently, hard working, ethical, sweet guy at home with a ruthless streak at work, and good looks to boot (which I wholeheartedly validate!).

Anyway.

We reconnected in January 2020 and after some very harsh home truths, some soul searching, tending to unfinished business and ending difficult chapters (which we are doing together, without leaving each other's side) in all transparency,  all the while dealing with the consequences and aftermath of the pandemic, we are building our future with the help and support of the friends we made along our journey, and who are doing everything they can to make it happen for us. 

We do have a very unique connection that is impossible to do justice in words - one blessed by the Universe, and which will never break. We are working together to make it real, to get rid of all obstacles and to break the anathema keeping us apart against our will, and to finally put and end to the senseless, perpetual testing plaguing us.

Meanwhile, we are keeping it as fun and light-hearted as possible! Not an easy feat, but we know that we are not alone, and the end is in sight. We are seeing it through in kindness, positivity and hope :).

Thank you for reading this - whoever you are, wherever you are :).

Edited July 22, 2022 by HiddenPrettyEmily
Revising after Proof-Reading

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

 we were 'on a break' for 5 months while he was seeing others.then we broke up for 3 months so this.

Sorry this is happening. Be present for your kids. That's the most important thing. How is your co-parenting relationship with their father?  Does he pay child support and have regular visitation and custody?

On/off relationships are fraught with incompatibilities and unresolved conflicts. Add to this the distance problem and that he wants to play the field and wisely date locally.

Ask yourself if you are really happy with an electronic relationship.

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask yourself if you are really happy with an electronic relationship

I am not. I may have to learn how to stop caring. I don't know how to do it - any tips?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

I am not. I may have to learn how to stop caring

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Pings on a phone is not a relationship, you're right about that.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single available interested men.

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Pings on a phone is not a relationship, you're right about that.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single available interested men.

Right. I mean I may need some time to figure this out. I don't date, you see. Online or off. 

Also: what's a 'ping'?

[BaileyB]

This is just way too much drama for me. 

I would see this less as “fates in the stars” and more like “there has been so much drama, it has never actually worked out.”

4 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

I don't really know what went on in his life between January 2017 and November 2019 in terms of third parties, if I'm honest - not too sure about 'sowing wild oats' now, in hindsight, actually.

Why are you creating drama that does not exist. Your previous post very clearly stated that he had other relationships that have broken the trust. You are not dealing in reality here. 

4 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

He did mention a handful of intense short-term relationships with varying degrees of success, as well as one very abusive, dysfunctional 'LTR' that caused him untold damage - mentally, mindfully, emotionally and physically.

Huge red flag. 

4 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

His friends know him as a perpetually single kind, gently, hard working, ethical, sweet guy at home with a ruthless streak at work, and good looks to boot (which I wholeheartedly validate!).

More fantasy talk.

4 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

We do have a very unique connection that is impossible to do justice in words - one blessed by the Universe, and which will never break.

I’m always leery of people who use this kind of fantastical language - they tend to create the relationships they want to have and don’t always deal with reality. 

I too have a relationship that has a beautiful - “it didn’t work at first but we were fated to come back together” story. I don’t speak about my relationship in this kind of fantasy-like language. 

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

As far as keeping an LDR or any relationship "fresh," I would advise against contact that verges on 24/7.  That is not sustainable and might be stifling. 

I agree with this 100%. 

It is not sustainable but it is common in people who do not feel secure - either personally or in their relationship. 

Edited July 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

7 hours ago, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

I should mention that the 'break' happened in 2017. We briefly connected in August 2016 but decided against starting anything in earnest at that point as neither of us were ready, so we kind of left it to fate to bring us back together when the timing was right.

I don't really know what went on in his life between January 2017 and November 2019 in terms of third parties, if I'm honest - not too sure about 'sowing wild oats' now, in hindsight, actually. More about dealing with old demons. 

We sporadically kept in touch via email  in that time so the bond between us was never broken, and we did make an attempt at starting something in July 2018 but it was not meant to be...He did mention a handful of intense short-term relationships with varying degrees of success, as well as one very abusive, dysfunctional 'LTR' that caused him untold damage - mentally, mindfully, emotionally and physically. His friends know him as a perpetually single kind, gently, hard working, ethical, sweet guy at home with a ruthless streak at work, and good looks to boot (which I wholeheartedly validate!).

Anyway.

We reconnected in January 2020 and after some very harsh home truths, some soul searching, tending to unfinished business and ending difficult chapters (which we are doing together, without leaving each other's side) in all transparency,  all the while dealing with the consequences and aftermath of the pandemic, we are building our future with the help and support of the friends we made along our journey, and who are doing everything they can to make it happen for us. 

We do have a very unique connection that is impossible to do justice in words - one blessed by the Universe, and which will never break. We are working together to make it real, to get rid of all obstacles and to break the anathema keeping us apart against our will, and to finally put and end to the senseless, perpetual testing plaguing us.

Meanwhile, we are keeping it as fun and light-hearted as possible! Not an easy feat, but we know that we are not alone, and the end is in sight. We are seeing it through in kindness, positivity and hope :).

Thank you for reading this - whoever you are, wherever you are :).

The only big issue is that you don't know enough of him in person to validate any of this yourself. Things would feel a lot more different (as would your trust in a person) if you've seen how the person operates day in and day out, each and every week, with consistency and openness. Your relationship lacks this due to distance. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm  confused.  In one post you write:

"We do have a very unique connection that is impossible to do justice in words - one blessed by the Universe, and which will never break."

In the next one:

"I may have to learn how to stop caring"

Those two perspectives can't exist within the same relationship, in real life.  If you need to stop caring about this person,  your connection is at best precarious.

You also say you don't date online (or off) yet you appear to be in a relationship that doesn't have much "real life" interaction.  

Sorry to be harsh, but it truly seems that you need a reality check.  More than keeping an ldr "fresh" I think you need to put this relationship squarely into reality.  Can you answer these questions: 

How often are you together? How do you arrange this, do you spend time with him and your kids together, how does this work out?  What is your timeline and planning for closing the distance?  What is impeding you from doing this in a timely fashion? 

 

[Alpacalia]

My experience has taught me that you can break-up and get back together later, and it's better the second time around.

The big difference was that our break-up was for entirely different reasons and I was out in the world dating others (and he was too) and we reconnected accidentally as we were living our lives. His way of making me feel appreciated made me feel more meaningful than anything else in his life. I was extremely lucky to have him. 

Our relationship lasted several years. My decision to end the relationship was because I wanted to be single and we were both relatively young.

My decision was to not go back to him once I enjoyed being "single" and enjoyed it. Not fair to him, I didn't do that.

Logistics aside, how are you okay with the idea of him breaking up with you to go explore other options, then coming back to you and resuming where you left off? Do you think that is a reasonable thing to do?

He's in his 40's.

I'm sure he's sowing wild oats before meeting you, unless he's lived in a closet his whole life.

Edited July 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[HiddenPrettyEmily]

Hi all

Wow. I didn't expect such a turnout! Thank you sooo much

Yeah, reading back on it, I see how 'confusing' this series of posts / events look like to the untrained eye. 

@BaileyB

I'm into drama, but only marginally - I enjoy it from afar. Unfortunately, I have this 'skill' that means Drama loves nothing more than to invite itself / themself (whatever)  when I'm not looking...

@NuevoYorko

1. lots

2. Yes. It's a work in progress, but positive so far, I would say.

3. Playing it by ear. When the moment is right, I guess.

4. Vested interests (his mother, mainly)

Thank you for the reality check

@Alpacalia

No!  

 

So we're going to take it slow and see where it takes us - that's the latest update.

Will let you know how things go

Thanks for the brainstorm, y'all  

[Els]

This reads a lot to me like "I really want to bring Mount Fuji to the Sahara and am committed to this, and nothing and nobody will stop me!"

You can certainly try, but it is already doomed from the start, mostly because Mount Fuji isn't going to move for you.

[justwhoiam]

On 7/21/2022 at 11:33 PM, HiddenPrettyEmily said:

My boyfriend and I have been together since January 2020. We are both in our 40s. We'd known each other for years before we got together.

I have a hard time thinking someone in his 40s can be a boyfriend. I say "my man". Others say "my partner". I'm not a fan of uneven relationships (employee and boss, etc.), so I hope that's not your case. That said, relationships that are born in the workplace usually have more cons than pros.

Quote

Quite a few ups and downs later, and we are stronger than ever. We are currently in a(n excruciating, heart-breaking) situation preventing us from bridging the distance between us (too long to explain - neither his choice nor mine

Without knowing the reasons, how can I have my say? I think you could sum that up in a couple lines.

Quote

we are determined to make it work against all odds until we close the distance.

Which is when?

Quote

how can we keep it 'fresh'?

First of all, I've been in a LDR for 11 years, so I guess it might be hard to find someone more qualified than me when it comes to long-term LDRs.

The very first rule that comes to mind is that it takes two. One of you might want to break it off along the way, and there's not much you can do about it. He already proved that he can make one-sided decisions. If yours is a serious relationship, it needs serious decision making. The very first one being no more one-sided decisions. I was strict about this. He can't decide he'll move to another state without talking about it first and involving me in such a decision. If for example the deal between you were that you move in with him and he decides to redecorate, you need to have your say about it, as you'd be living there too. And so forth. Any major decision needs to be discussed. And some other topics men might think as minor, such as going on vacation. He can't drop the bomb on you like hey I'm going on vacation with a friend for a week, or whatever. If he really wants you as his wife, he can start to make you feel like one right away.

Should he think that's too much and he needs his space, then I wouldn't waste any more time on him. Drop him. Because there are so many things you need to digest already in a LDR (and I guess I don't have to list them) and you don't need to feel like you're being anyone's doormat. Demand respect and recognition of your status in his life. Or to me it's just f buddies.

Edited August 1, 2022 by justwhoiam
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