johnny1968 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Hi, any advice from you nice folks would be greatly appreciated. Let me set the stage: I'm a 36 yo man, decent job, decent looks, no kids, homeowner, keep my ducks in a row pretty well, etc, etc. She's a 37 yo woman, decent looks, decent job, 2 kids, keeps her ducks in a row, etc etc. I first met her through my sister about a year ago. 5 months ago, I get a call out of the blue stating that she's just dumped her deadbeat live in boyfriend of 5 years, and would like to go out with me. I follow up, and we start dating. Of course, I'm leary of a woman who may be on the rebound, and she explained to me in detail that she decided to dump him because there was simply no "long term marriage" material in the guy. Me personally, at this stage in life, I'm wide open to becoming friends and to start dating. Who knows? Maybe she's "the one". So...we start dating and actually hit it off great. I basically follow her lead for the first month or two, and take things at a pace she's comfortable with. We have some really fun dates, I meet her two girls, and as time passes we start a very fun and very passionate relationship. I start bonding with the two girls, and things really start going terrific. Throughout this time, we fall in love, and the girls begin to become very affectionate and close to me as do I with them. The whole time we're dating, we both express that neither one of us is ready to get married or anything any time soon, but she does start joking about marriage between us, and I begin to acknowledge that there could be the potential for a long term relationship between us and maybe one day even eventual marriage. She started telling me that she's falling in love with me, and of course I'm falling in love with her as well, and I begin to become more verbally open to the idea of marriage "one day" by pointing out that we do indeed make a great couple. About a month ago I bought her a gold locket with the words "I love you" inscribed on the outside. She LOVED IT! She wore it everywhere she went, and her friends (work and personal) could see that we're right for each other, and started to tease her about when we're getting married. Things were going great as far as I could tell. Quite honestly though, I did have a gut feeling that things were moving a little fast between us but I never verbalized it figuring I'll take a "wait and see attitude". Two weeks ago while we're talking on the phone she blurts out that she thinks we should take "a step back", and she felt that things were moving a little fast for us. Shweew....what a relief I was feeling the same way, so everything would have been perfect if the conversation would have ended there .......but it didn't. She said furthermore, she can't be willing to lead me to believe that our relationship would EVER amount to anything beyond just dating. Well, I was really shocked by that statement. I'm not sure about how I fell about dating a woman after she says that there should never be any hope for more than just dating. Naturally all of this became very confusing too me. Sure, I was ready to take a step back as well, but to continue dating a woman who says she may never be ready for "more" makes me wonder if it's even worth the bother. I call her, and we talk about it, and we're pretty much in agreement about everything except now she says that even though she doesn't want to see anyone else, she doesn't want the level of commitment involved in us even "going steady". Hmmm.....even more confusion here... So a few more days go by, and now she says that she wants me to feel free to see other women because she doesn't want to lead me down a path of false hopes. She says she jumped into a relationship with me too soon, and was probably on the rebound. She also said she needs time to "find out who she is" whatever in the world that means. Honestly the only reason this is bugging me is because I know in my heart of hearts that we would be a perfect match in the long term. Should I give her space for a while to see what she does, or should I just write off the relationship and start dating other people? Thanks in advance for any insight.
Prim&proper Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Both. Give her space AND date other people.
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I know in my heart of hearts that we would be a perfect match in the long term. Sorry you had to go thru this.. Rebounds can hurt like a biotch. you may know in your heart of hearts that your good to go for the long term.. But a relationship is supported by 2 people and she has told you she doesn't feel in her heart of hearts that you guys are good for the long term. She also has kids to consider in the mix.. The only option you have is to let her go.. When a woman tells you she is not ready, is confused or you were the rebound and no longer sees a future together you TAKE HER AT HER WORD. This is one of the few times that you believe exactly what a woman says.. If you press her you will drive her further away.. You need to try and move on with your life and see if she comes to you..
933KJL Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I agree with AC here...it is like that freaking stupid butterfly poem-- Set her free if she comes back to you she is yours, if not, she never was.
Author johnny1968 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 Thanks for the advice guys. My common sense dictates as much, but of course I tend to get easily confused when a person says one thing for weeks and then says something totally contrary. Since I posted thie topic I've googled "rebound relationships", and it looks like all of the evidence is there. Oh well....such is life.
933KJL Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Make sure to get your locket back. Nah...be a gentleman and write it off. I have never asked for anything back from a woman that I have given. A gift is a gift is a gift. When I divorced a lot of people said I should have insisted on the engagement ring back but I said no and did what I hoped to be the gentlemanly thing. But you know, the bitch probably hocked it! :mad:
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 the bitch probably hocked it! You know she did..Then she went to Hawaii on it and took the pool guy
Author johnny1968 Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 You know she did..Then she went to Hawaii on it and took the pool guy You guys are a riot! Naa....I think it was foolish of me to give her something like that 4 months into a relationship anyway. Besides, my 2 neices and her two daughters are best friends, so I'll be seeing her around regardless. Don't need any hard(er) feelings doncha know. Come to think of it, a few years ago I gave a woman a "token of my love" such as that just several months into the relationship, and that relationship didn't last very long either. I may be discovering a pattern here. Perhaps tokens of affection too soon make a man look like a needy wuss?
westernxer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 When I divorced a lot of people said I should have insisted on the engagement ring back but I said no and did what I hoped to be the gentlemanly thing. But you know, the bitch probably hocked it! :mad: Too bad. You had the law on your side, too.
westernxer Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Perhaps tokens of affection too soon make a man look like a needy wuss? If they're into you, you won't have to buy them a thing. Show some teeth and get the locket back. You can give it to the next woman, after you tie the knot with her.
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